Stumbling Through Life

Finding the most difficult path since 1974

Author Archive

Let’s Beat This Dead Horse. . .

Well, clearly I have been busy and at times in a stupor caused by happiness but this is me and my life is not a fairy tale. Allan decided this past summer that he just missed me terribly and wanted to work things out. . .

Having been there, done that with Bubba for years, I shoulda jumped under the nearest rock in the hopes that would protect me from foolish decisions. I woulda avoided the heartache and embarrassment and I coulda actually tried to be open to a relationship with someone else but again, really? This is me and quite frankly when I am happy I can’t write. . . I mean, who wants a happy writer?

But I allowed my heart to make the decision and after getting incredibly close to his family and his kid, it all blew up in my face. And with all his hemming and hawing it brewed down to he can’t allow himself to be happy. Okay. Take your shit and leave, blocked your number, defriended you on Facebook and opted to use my brain instead of my heart. No tears just anger because while I am a big girl and can deal with getting hurt, he did this to his kid again.

After a response of you really need to get your shit together and see a therapist, he did and then wanted to come back. . . to work on everything and pretending that what he had done shortly after Christmas hadn’t really happened.

And after making a big show of my birthday with flowers and cupcakes from my favorite NYC bakery he said he just couldn’t. . . you see, it’s him, not me. . . at least that was his line along with I’m sorry. . .

Motherf*cker, I already had enough issues with turning 40, I have equated florist flowers with guilt for years and you just took my NYC bakery and tied them to something shitty. Thanks. But then again, serves me right. I knew better, I knew that until you got yourself straightened out it wouldn’t work, my bad. But let’s drag the kid through it again and your family and all of our friends because really, in the end, it is all about you.

A friend said last month that even with all that she has been through in terms of dating, she still believed in happily ever after. After I stopped laughing, I told her that from my vantage point, that it doesn’t happen for everyone. And you know, I am okay with that, not thrilled but okay because I know I don’t need a man in my life, I would like to have one to share my life with, travel, talk about our days, etc. but in all actuality, I am fine on my own. And maybe that is where things fall apart when it comes to me and men. . . I don’t need to be saved, I don’t need a man to fix my dryer or check my tires. . . I can do all of that. I even have my own toolset now. . . thanks Allan.

I dated someone many years ago, I guess he was my first real love in college. He was super nice, kind, thoughtful and would drive through the middle of the night to get to me. I walked because I knew I had to experience more. . . more life, college, living away from my parents, finding myself. And I still feel like had I stayed and not wanted more that I would have found myself searching for more down the road. Besides Chandler, he was the only normal relationship I had. . . and in ways, I have always made choices that get in the way of me having that nice, normal life.

But don’t cry for me or feel sorry for me. . . in the end I will be okay. I love Allen and his kid (and family) but I also love me and right now, I love me more. I have been in a slump losing weight (well, if you sit on the couch and shove food in your mouth. . . ) but changing it up at the gym has kick started it, I am going to try to get out of my comfort zone in terms of being a bit more outgoing and of course I have my crazy cat to pay attention to. . . but if you want to set me up on a blind date. . . umm. . . well, I am 40 years old, dorky, still love hair metal music, rap and everything in between, am left of center, LOVE football, hockey, NYC, DC and yes, Vegas. . . I can be appropriate when it is called for, a huge foodie (hello weight gain), love to cook, am ridiculously loyal and a nurturer, a smart ass and well, I am me. . . and apparently suck at choosing men (with exception of two men).

And this is the moment when I wish I could write songs ala Taylor Swift because there are more than a few albums that could be filled with my stories.

9/11 A Remembrance

Originally posted on Stumbling Through Life:

Words will never convey how this one day changed how I now view the world. I remember it all clearly, down to how blue the sky looked the night before in Nashville when I had dinner with Bubba or how beautiful it looked that morning. I have been to the site in NYC twice since that horrible day; my thoughts, prayers, love and respect to those we lost, their families and friends in New York, DC and Shanksville, PA. 

Amy

View original

The One With the Buffalo Sauce

My cat happens to have more than nine lives…my furry little man has chewed through wires more times than I can remember, chewed on my fake Christmas tree and has had a thing for hot sauce or other deterrents when it comes to his need to chew on things.

The Wookster has never really been all about people food and with this tidbit in mind, I have never minded him sniffing my food. He normally sniffs for a second and then moves on. Sure, he had a thing for the water chestnuts in my five flavor chicken before but 99% of my food he has not had an interest in…until Friday night.

I was eating some buffalo chicken bites and being the sauce whore that I am; I had a side dish of sauce too. Wook decided he wanted to sniff at it, no biggie, I let him. Then I look down and see him licking it up as if it were water. I pulled it away quickly and then panicked. He jumped down and started breathing heavy. And then he puked and kept up the heavy breathing while I came close to breaking down. I was terrified that I had killed him and didn’t know what to do. I offered him milk but he wasn’t interested. After a quick visit to his litter box he finally got back to normal.

Well, kind of…his meow was scratchy and he gave me a withering look. He was back to his old self the next day but even now I am mortified that it happened. That’s my little man and basically I tried to kill him with buffalo sauce. Oh the guilt…

The One Where I Try to Suck it Up

There are days where I could give my effort a solid C. My job is going well, it just sucks everything out of me, I am working out anywhere from five days a week to three….largely due to work which sometimes changes things up.

While I am feeling more settled in terms being alone dealing with the broken heart, there are times when I feel like the crying jag is just around the corner, I never know what will set it up. I don’t smile like I used to and sometimes I feel like it takes a huge effort. Of course as I see friends they do the head tilt thing while asking me how I am doing. Um, hanging in there.

I know my friends and family are worried and just want me to be happy…it’s just how do I do that? Working out daily really does help get the frustration out or at least takes it down a notch. In the end, I know I shut down.

I have been researching the eating clean which I think I will modify. It gives me something to do, I have been reading as well, a little of this and a little of that. And with football season just around the corner so I am hoping that that will help put things in place. I miss him but I can’t chase him and debate this. He made up his mind and cut me out.

And I believe that in life not everyone ends up with someone. It makes me sad but I guess the big man upstairs has other plans for me. I just never thought it would focus on me being alone.

The One Where I Swear I am Fine

Depression affects everyone differently. For me, it is more about trying to function on some level of normalcy while screaming at myself inside my head. At first I couldn’t even do the fake “I am fine” I would sit in silence after crying jags trying with all of my might to look much stronger, normal. Nothing made me smile or laugh, all I could do was offer up a rather lame he just left, said he thought the spark left. Oh and lots of “I’m sorries.”

Seriously hate those words. I delved deeper into depression, barely eating, finding things to occupy my time. Trying to forget what we shared. With Allan walking, I lost his sweet daughter, his family and friends. And all those plans he had made for us.

What made him walk? I haven’t a clue. The spark he mentioned at one point reminded me of those days in my youth when I thought those John Hughes movies really were close to reality. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And some days life does seem a little blah but having someone by your side to support as well as be there during the blah and the fun times is key.

While I shut down, not wanting to be near anyone Allan goes about his life as if the woman was no longer there. He flips the switch. Apparently his mom and I both agree he needs to see someone to talk about this with…

Do I still love him, yes. And I know much of you will scoff at this but let’s remember that after chandler it took me a really long time to get out there. Maybe there isn’t a guy it there for me. Maybe this lonely existence is what I need to get on with life. I am heartbroken, missing Allan who made me laugh, made me feel special, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I loved him for his humor, his beautiful face and his kindness. Not even the sexist man on earth could turn my head because to me, Allan was all that and a bag of chips.

I force myself to eat, I go workout four times a week, read and go to work. I attempt social settings but I am not that strong right now and it is a challenge. I don’t laugh as often as a should and there are still moments where I lose it and just cry.

I saw the boy lasts Friday at the grocery store, I knew my heart was firmly planted within Allan since I immediately turned my head and picked up the pace.

My writing has taken a beating. So much I wanted to share but I also knew that it wasn’t just me anymore; that I had a few other people to contend with so I didn’t blog. Plus, when you have that wonderful person sitting next to you on the couch, the last thing you want to do is write,

So yeah, once again I have been rejected. Maybe I should change the blog name to that.

The One Where I Got a Life

You know how people, when in an argument, will say, “Get a life”? Um, yeah, I got one and have been struggling to write since my life took an unexpected, yet very happy turn. Life with Allan is fun, busy, never stop with lots of eating to break up the monotonous tone. A couple of weeks he mentioned he hadn’t seen a post of any kind and told me to get on it. Then he asked about it last week and tonight I thought he might hold my dinner hostage if I didn’t write, so finally, I am sitting down to mark this off my to do list.

Where to start? Do I snark on how Reese Witherspoon got mouthy in Atlanta and got her tush thrown in jail? Or the ever klassy Kim Kardashian and the divorce proceedings that lasted well past her marriage? Do I comment on how stupid I think the brothers in Boston were last week when they decided to take their hatred out on their adoptive country?

For now, since I have missed out on so many opportunities dealing with current events and pop culture, I will just hit the highlights in my world.

  • After Wook’s constant binging and purging a few weeks ago, I finally got brave and took him to the vet. All is good, he just likes to binge and purge (all for the low, low cost of $189)
  • At the vet everyone commented on just how pretty my baby is and what a gentle giant he is
  • Allan offered to donate him to the vet. . .
  • At the one year mark of Chandler’s passing and his birthday, Allan has managed to say something to make me smile, understanding that he was such a special part of my life
  • While telling Allan not to engage the ass at a hockey game the other week I ended up being the one mouthing off to said ass
  • Walking into Target a few weeks ago to meet Stace I came face to face with the boy, without even missing a beat, I sped up, flipped my hair into my face and kept on walking
  • I have watched many a hockey game, can even name players and understand most terminology
  • I still just go for the fights and Crispy
  • I was talked into joining a fantasy NASCAR league, I don’t know the first thing about this so called sport but really, how hard is it to turn left?
  • My team, Mullet Mafia, is currently ranked seventh
  • I watched the Masters for the first time in a million years it seems, I still prefer playing but Allan won big betting on it
  • Who knew you could bet on golf?
  • Allan is taking me to Vegas this week, my first trip, his tenth. . .
  • Vegas to Allan = Amy to NYC
  • While he is in his conference I will be lounging at the pool. . . it’s a rough life but I will take it

Life is good, I am a very lucky girl and have been spoiled to death by him. There are days where I pinch myself because if you had asked me after the October debacle that things would work out I would have laughed but I guess sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crap to get to the good stuff.

The snarky, pessimistic girl is still here but for once, I am making sure that I enjoy the good times. But I will say the best line ever uttered to a police officer goes to Reese Witherspoon. . . you may have won an Oscar sweetie, but not everyone cares or knows who you are. . . bless her heart.

I will try to post while in Vegas because I really want to document this trip and I have to collect a few slapper cards. . .

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, a bit more hockey, throw in some basketball and a side of free agency and you can probably surmise that I have been a tad busy. So let’s get right to it. . .

  • I am digging Thrift Shop by Macklemore, great hook and dude, anyone who gives a shout out to footed pajamas is awesome
  • After hearing a rant about a neighboring county and gasp!  rental property invading the public schools, Allan reminded me that we are Westside 4 Life. . . true dat
  • Best game so far has to go to the Preds vs the Stars because who doesn’t love it when Mr. Underwood gets in a fight. . .
  • Hells Kitchen is back and I am loving it
  • I want to meet Chef Gordon Ramsey just so he can call me a donkey
  • Stu has continued his stellar record of dates disappearing after a couple times out. . .
  • I finally hit up Arnold’s Meat and Three last Friday for the first time in forever–YUM!
  • I really need some more of that
  • I also hit up Bobbie’s Dairy Dip for a malt last week
  • Tried Newk’s for the first time
  • And apparently I should weigh about a ton right now
  • 42 days and counting until Vegas, is it time to leave yet?
  • Free agency and the looming draft for the NFL is making me anxious, I need another Super Bowl for my Steelers
  • I have watched so much hockey lately that I am to the point where I am recognizing the names of the players and not for the Preds, the other teams

And now I must go to finish the rest of Hells Kitchen and then dream of another sweet win by the Preds and then possibly line of places to grab food at the next few days.

Tuesday Randomness on Thursday

I think I need to start paying attention to the calendar more since this is Thursday. . . oops. I would like to blame it on being so busy but I think it has more to do with I went to a hockey game Monday night and I have been trying to catch up on sleep since then. Hey, I am old, what can I say. . .

  • Allan keeps scoring more points with the Queen, which is a good thing, case in point, he went to the season ticket holders fan appreciation last week and got my jersey signed by Terry Crisp!
    Crispy!

    Crispy!

     

  • If that wasn’t enough, he learned on Sunday that he won a contest for two tickets to the VIP suite at the Preds game Monday
  • Which he was nice enough to take me to (who am I kidding, I would have done some serious pouting if I had been left at home)
    Crispy, Moi, Petey

    Crispy, Moi, Petey

     

  • And it also proves that I need to start doing crunches since my gut looks unseemly in that picture
  • No restraining order has been issued for my near obsessive fascination for Crispy
  • We got to listen to hockey commentary from two of the greatest unedited (first game for Pete to not actually call a game)
  • Crispy called it halfway through the third period that Josi would score a goal and we would win 5-4
  • It happened but in overtime
  • I got to see a great fight during the game and really, isn’t that the whole point of hockey?
  • A great view in the suite but while I love what a suite has to offer, I kind of miss being right there in the game
    Let's Go Preds!

    Let’s Go Preds!

     

  • Petey showed us a picture of Crispy from the late 70s in a stellar polyester leisure suit. . . he had modeled that in a Philly fashion show, when asked how many he sold he said ZERO!
  • It’s a good thing that those suits are not back in style, one random ash from a cigarette would equate to that suit going up in flames in under five seconds
  • I have decided that when I am at a game, they win. . . maybe the organization should take this under advisement
  • Mother Nature is still taunting me with snow, I just want one decent snow storm
  • Am I asking for too much here?
  • Hooch has very kindly sent pictures of her house covered in snow
  • It almost makes me consider relocating to Kansas City
  • Almost. . . I still prefer Nashville
  • I loathe NASCAR, from the time I was a little girl I remember the endless Sundays when the only thing allowed on the tv and Granny and Popa’s was the race
  • Five laps in, all of my relatives would be snoring but you couldn’t change the channel!
  • Allan likes NASCAR. . . and since he is such an avid fantasy (enter your sport here) player, he is in a NASCAR fantasy league
  • I was informed that I would have a team, I would like to welcome my drives to the Mullet Mafia. . .
  • I am currently in eighth place, Allan is in 14th
  • Don’t ask a competitive girl to play in a league where she knows nothing
  • She will win
  • I am ready for a vacation. . .
  • Unfortunately that vacation doesn’t happen until late April

So my week has consisted of hockey, NASCAR, hockey, hockey and some food. The occasional whine about no snow was thrown in for good measure. I am off to turn my jammies inside out and do all the other stuff that needs to be done to get some snow. Does anyone know of a good dance to get the snow to start falling?

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, hockey. . . that pretty much sums it up around here. But since it is Tuesday and it would be kind of a dull read if all I did was talk about hockey, here’s some randomness. . .

  • I love me some hockey just don’t tell football, I kind of feel like I am cheating on it
  • After what seems like a million years, I finally got to go to an actual game last week
  • Besides it being a pretty awesome Valentine’s date, I forgot how much I enjoyed all the chants
  • And fights. . .
  • I am going to be tortured Sunday by Allan, he likes to watch NASCAR
  • Yeah, I don’t get it either
  • Stace’s little man E now says my name, all of the time! So exciting and I love his giggle
  • We also share a very big love of Despicable Me
  • I am gearing up for my Vegas trip by reviewing any and all restaurant menus
  • The Queen has been teasing me about my hair for a while now
  • I guess it didn’t help matters that the last time I got my hair cut and highlighted it was, um, last May
  • I finally got it done this evening, a big shout out to Jennifer at William Edge Nashville
  • I have loved Aveda’s products for years now and it seems to agree with my hair texture
  • Dimensional color and a great cut makes me happy
  • It is also great for additional ways to make fun of myself
  • Case in point~

    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .

    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .

  • But thankfully common sense prevailed~

    All better!

    All better!

  • I’m a blonde again! Yay!
  • Wook thought it would be a cute idea to chew on my tulips
  • After a few choice words, I believe I conveyed the seriousness of his transgression
  • I still miss football
  • I will probably get a great nap in Sunday as well as get some reading done!
  • I kind of feel bad that I just can’t get into the sport (seriously, I could do what they do)

Aaaaannnnnndddddd, it is bedtime. The Preds won (although I thought I was going to need some oxygen), my hair is all kinds of pretty and for some reason employers think you should work five days a week. Silly people.

The One Where I Talk About Valentine’s Day

I haven’t been a huge fan of the Hallmark holiday in many, many years. It was great when I was little, more presents! Yipee! Then junior high came and so did the sending of a carnation. . . would I get one? And of course high school hits and everyone is smiling as they get their note that they have something in the office for them. I did get something one time.

By the time I was in the working world I noticed that we had regressed to teenagers again, gloating when getting flowers and sneering if you are single. I started to despise the day simply because coworkers would gloat that their SO sent them flowers when in reality, that SO was probably cringing at the thought of the cost, waste and the forced merriment of the day. And no story would be complete without a Bubba story. . .

The year I finally pulled the plug on the horrible dating cycle with him I got flowers sent to me at work not once but twice! Seeing as how my birthday is two weeks before Cupid comes to shoot everyone down I thought I had hit the jackpot. Huge arrangements that would have probably fed an entire village in a third world country. I was so lucky!!!! Isn’t MY boyfriend the best?!

Oh, did I mention that while he stated to me that he was way too busy with work and me to possibly cheat, he was in fact making plenty of room in his schedule to cheat. And those really expensive, large arrangements? Guilt flowers. To ease his guilt he wasted money (and my time) in order to not feel as guilty for his behavior. After that I became a HUGE fan of grocery store flowers if my guy wants to give me flowers. Cheap, thoughtful and no guilt to be eased.

I also wasn’t a big fan for going out on that night, another little result of my time with Bubba. Fights, tears and disappointment made me want to just ignore any kind of holiday because really, can’t a fight that ends in tears happen on just a random night? I was already used to dealing with my luck at guys disappointing me or breaking my heart at huge junctures in my life, at least give me decent holidays to celebrate.

As a result, boyfriends post Bubba ended up getting off really easily. . . a CD, a nice card, grocery store flowers, dinner cooked together at home. . . sign me up! That is what I did with Jorge, the boy and Chandler. They were all decent experiences in terms of the Hallmark holiday. And if you had asked me at the start of the new year what I would be doing this year, I would have said I was picking up something decadent to cook, watch a double feature of chick flicks and call it a night.

But I got a nice surprise shortly before my birthday and think I gave him a really nice surprise in return. We talked about Valentine’s day and I said I wanted to go to the hockey game. Fancy dinner? Nope. Flowers delivered? Nope. Just give me some hockey, gumbo at a local bar and time spent with him and I would be a happy girl. And that is what we did and it was probably one of the best Valentine’s days ever. Simple, fun and no drama. Who knew?

Allan and I both said a few times that this was one of the best Valentine’s ever…why? All of the above plus he listened to me about what I liked and disliked. I am thankful that the days of wanting the outlandish, unattainable John Hughes experience has gone. I guess in a way I have to thank the crappy boyfriends of the past for the all the letdowns and Chandler for reminding me to appreciate the small gestures.

Now the best holiday is coming up, no presents needed. . . St. Patrick’s Day. . . to be celebrated in a pub or preferably in NYC because who doesn’t want to spend the whole of the parade with New York’s finest. . .

Post Navigation

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 72 other followers