The One Where I Swear I am Fine

Depression affects everyone differently. For me, it is more about trying to function on some level of normalcy while screaming at myself inside my head. At first I couldn’t even do the fake “I am fine” I would sit in silence after crying jags trying with all of my might to look much stronger, normal. Nothing made me smile or laugh, all I could do was offer up a rather lame he just left, said he thought the spark left. Oh and lots of “I’m sorries.”

Seriously hate those words. I delved deeper into depression, barely eating, finding things to occupy my time. Trying to forget what we shared. With Allan walking, I lost his sweet daughter, his family and friends. And all those plans he had made for us.

What made him walk? I haven’t a clue. The spark he mentioned at one point reminded me of those days in my youth when I thought those John Hughes movies really were close to reality. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And some days life does seem a little blah but having someone by your side to support as well as be there during the blah and the fun times is key.

While I shut down, not wanting to be near anyone Allan goes about his life as if the woman was no longer there. He flips the switch. Apparently his mom and I both agree he needs to see someone to talk about this with…

Do I still love him, yes. And I know much of you will scoff at this but let’s remember that after chandler it took me a really long time to get out there. Maybe there isn’t a guy it there for me. Maybe this lonely existence is what I need to get on with life. I am heartbroken, missing Allan who made me laugh, made me feel special, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I loved him for his humor, his beautiful face and his kindness. Not even the sexist man on earth could turn my head because to me, Allan was all that and a bag of chips.

I force myself to eat, I go workout four times a week, read and go to work. I attempt social settings but I am not that strong right now and it is a challenge. I don’t laugh as often as a should and there are still moments where I lose it and just cry.

I saw the boy lasts Friday at the grocery store, I knew my heart was firmly planted within Allan since I immediately turned my head and picked up the pace.

My writing has taken a beating. So much I wanted to share but I also knew that it wasn’t just me anymore; that I had a few other people to contend with so I didn’t blog. Plus, when you have that wonderful person sitting next to you on the couch, the last thing you want to do is write,

So yeah, once again I have been rejected. Maybe I should change the blog name to that.

The One Where I Got a Life

You know how people, when in an argument, will say, “Get a life”? Um, yeah, I got one and have been struggling to write since my life took an unexpected, yet very happy turn. Life with Allan is fun, busy, never stop with lots of eating to break up the monotonous tone. A couple of weeks he mentioned he hadn’t seen a post of any kind and told me to get on it. Then he asked about it last week and tonight I thought he might hold my dinner hostage if I didn’t write, so finally, I am sitting down to mark this off my to do list.

Where to start? Do I snark on how Reese Witherspoon got mouthy in Atlanta and got her tush thrown in jail? Or the ever klassy Kim Kardashian and the divorce proceedings that lasted well past her marriage? Do I comment on how stupid I think the brothers in Boston were last week when they decided to take their hatred out on their adoptive country?

For now, since I have missed out on so many opportunities dealing with current events and pop culture, I will just hit the highlights in my world.

  • After Wook’s constant binging and purging a few weeks ago, I finally got brave and took him to the vet. All is good, he just likes to binge and purge (all for the low, low cost of $189)
  • At the vet everyone commented on just how pretty my baby is and what a gentle giant he is
  • Allan offered to donate him to the vet. . .
  • At the one year mark of Chandler’s passing and his birthday, Allan has managed to say something to make me smile, understanding that he was such a special part of my life
  • While telling Allan not to engage the ass at a hockey game the other week I ended up being the one mouthing off to said ass
  • Walking into Target a few weeks ago to meet Stace I came face to face with the boy, without even missing a beat, I sped up, flipped my hair into my face and kept on walking
  • I have watched many a hockey game, can even name players and understand most terminology
  • I still just go for the fights and Crispy
  • I was talked into joining a fantasy NASCAR league, I don’t know the first thing about this so called sport but really, how hard is it to turn left?
  • My team, Mullet Mafia, is currently ranked seventh
  • I watched the Masters for the first time in a million years it seems, I still prefer playing but Allan won big betting on it
  • Who knew you could bet on golf?
  • Allan is taking me to Vegas this week, my first trip, his tenth. . .
  • Vegas to Allan = Amy to NYC
  • While he is in his conference I will be lounging at the pool. . . it’s a rough life but I will take it

Life is good, I am a very lucky girl and have been spoiled to death by him. There are days where I pinch myself because if you had asked me after the October debacle that things would work out I would have laughed but I guess sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crap to get to the good stuff.

The snarky, pessimistic girl is still here but for once, I am making sure that I enjoy the good times. But I will say the best line ever uttered to a police officer goes to Reese Witherspoon. . . you may have won an Oscar sweetie, but not everyone cares or knows who you are. . . bless her heart.

I will try to post while in Vegas because I really want to document this trip and I have to collect a few slapper cards. . .

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, a bit more hockey, throw in some basketball and a side of free agency and you can probably surmise that I have been a tad busy. So let’s get right to it. . .

  • I am digging Thrift Shop by Macklemore, great hook and dude, anyone who gives a shout out to footed pajamas is awesome
  • After hearing a rant about a neighboring county and gasp!  rental property invading the public schools, Allan reminded me that we are Westside 4 Life. . . true dat
  • Best game so far has to go to the Preds vs the Stars because who doesn’t love it when Mr. Underwood gets in a fight. . .
  • Hells Kitchen is back and I am loving it
  • I want to meet Chef Gordon Ramsey just so he can call me a donkey
  • Stu has continued his stellar record of dates disappearing after a couple times out. . .
  • I finally hit up Arnold’s Meat and Three last Friday for the first time in forever–YUM!
  • I really need some more of that
  • I also hit up Bobbie’s Dairy Dip for a malt last week
  • Tried Newk’s for the first time
  • And apparently I should weigh about a ton right now
  • 42 days and counting until Vegas, is it time to leave yet?
  • Free agency and the looming draft for the NFL is making me anxious, I need another Super Bowl for my Steelers
  • I have watched so much hockey lately that I am to the point where I am recognizing the names of the players and not for the Preds, the other teams

And now I must go to finish the rest of Hells Kitchen and then dream of another sweet win by the Preds and then possibly line of places to grab food at the next few days.

Tuesday Randomness on Thursday

I think I need to start paying attention to the calendar more since this is Thursday. . . oops. I would like to blame it on being so busy but I think it has more to do with I went to a hockey game Monday night and I have been trying to catch up on sleep since then. Hey, I am old, what can I say. . .

  • Allan keeps scoring more points with the Queen, which is a good thing, case in point, he went to the season ticket holders fan appreciation last week and got my jersey signed by Terry Crisp!
    Crispy!

    Crispy!

     

  • If that wasn’t enough, he learned on Sunday that he won a contest for two tickets to the VIP suite at the Preds game Monday
  • Which he was nice enough to take me to (who am I kidding, I would have done some serious pouting if I had been left at home)
    Crispy, Moi, Petey

    Crispy, Moi, Petey

     

  • And it also proves that I need to start doing crunches since my gut looks unseemly in that picture
  • No restraining order has been issued for my near obsessive fascination for Crispy
  • We got to listen to hockey commentary from two of the greatest unedited (first game for Pete to not actually call a game)
  • Crispy called it halfway through the third period that Josi would score a goal and we would win 5-4
  • It happened but in overtime
  • I got to see a great fight during the game and really, isn’t that the whole point of hockey?
  • A great view in the suite but while I love what a suite has to offer, I kind of miss being right there in the game
    Let's Go Preds!

    Let’s Go Preds!

     

  • Petey showed us a picture of Crispy from the late 70s in a stellar polyester leisure suit. . . he had modeled that in a Philly fashion show, when asked how many he sold he said ZERO!
  • It’s a good thing that those suits are not back in style, one random ash from a cigarette would equate to that suit going up in flames in under five seconds
  • I have decided that when I am at a game, they win. . . maybe the organization should take this under advisement
  • Mother Nature is still taunting me with snow, I just want one decent snow storm
  • Am I asking for too much here?
  • Hooch has very kindly sent pictures of her house covered in snow
  • It almost makes me consider relocating to Kansas City
  • Almost. . . I still prefer Nashville
  • I loathe NASCAR, from the time I was a little girl I remember the endless Sundays when the only thing allowed on the tv and Granny and Popa’s was the race
  • Five laps in, all of my relatives would be snoring but you couldn’t change the channel!
  • Allan likes NASCAR. . . and since he is such an avid fantasy (enter your sport here) player, he is in a NASCAR fantasy league
  • I was informed that I would have a team, I would like to welcome my drives to the Mullet Mafia. . .
  • I am currently in eighth place, Allan is in 14th
  • Don’t ask a competitive girl to play in a league where she knows nothing
  • She will win
  • I am ready for a vacation. . .
  • Unfortunately that vacation doesn’t happen until late April

So my week has consisted of hockey, NASCAR, hockey, hockey and some food. The occasional whine about no snow was thrown in for good measure. I am off to turn my jammies inside out and do all the other stuff that needs to be done to get some snow. Does anyone know of a good dance to get the snow to start falling?

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, hockey. . . that pretty much sums it up around here. But since it is Tuesday and it would be kind of a dull read if all I did was talk about hockey, here’s some randomness. . .

  • I love me some hockey just don’t tell football, I kind of feel like I am cheating on it
  • After what seems like a million years, I finally got to go to an actual game last week
  • Besides it being a pretty awesome Valentine’s date, I forgot how much I enjoyed all the chants
  • And fights. . .
  • I am going to be tortured Sunday by Allan, he likes to watch NASCAR
  • Yeah, I don’t get it either
  • Stace’s little man E now says my name, all of the time! So exciting and I love his giggle
  • We also share a very big love of Despicable Me
  • I am gearing up for my Vegas trip by reviewing any and all restaurant menus
  • The Queen has been teasing me about my hair for a while now
  • I guess it didn’t help matters that the last time I got my hair cut and highlighted it was, um, last May
  • I finally got it done this evening, a big shout out to Jennifer at William Edge Nashville
  • I have loved Aveda’s products for years now and it seems to agree with my hair texture
  • Dimensional color and a great cut makes me happy
  • It is also great for additional ways to make fun of myself
  • Case in point~

    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .

    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .

  • But thankfully common sense prevailed~

    All better!

    All better!

  • I’m a blonde again! Yay!
  • Wook thought it would be a cute idea to chew on my tulips
  • After a few choice words, I believe I conveyed the seriousness of his transgression
  • I still miss football
  • I will probably get a great nap in Sunday as well as get some reading done!
  • I kind of feel bad that I just can’t get into the sport (seriously, I could do what they do)

Aaaaannnnnndddddd, it is bedtime. The Preds won (although I thought I was going to need some oxygen), my hair is all kinds of pretty and for some reason employers think you should work five days a week. Silly people.

The One Where I Talk About Valentine’s Day

I haven’t been a huge fan of the Hallmark holiday in many, many years. It was great when I was little, more presents! Yipee! Then junior high came and so did the sending of a carnation. . . would I get one? And of course high school hits and everyone is smiling as they get their note that they have something in the office for them. I did get something one time.

By the time I was in the working world I noticed that we had regressed to teenagers again, gloating when getting flowers and sneering if you are single. I started to despise the day simply because coworkers would gloat that their SO sent them flowers when in reality, that SO was probably cringing at the thought of the cost, waste and the forced merriment of the day. And no story would be complete without a Bubba story. . .

The year I finally pulled the plug on the horrible dating cycle with him I got flowers sent to me at work not once but twice! Seeing as how my birthday is two weeks before Cupid comes to shoot everyone down I thought I had hit the jackpot. Huge arrangements that would have probably fed an entire village in a third world country. I was so lucky!!!! Isn’t MY boyfriend the best?!

Oh, did I mention that while he stated to me that he was way too busy with work and me to possibly cheat, he was in fact making plenty of room in his schedule to cheat. And those really expensive, large arrangements? Guilt flowers. To ease his guilt he wasted money (and my time) in order to not feel as guilty for his behavior. After that I became a HUGE fan of grocery store flowers if my guy wants to give me flowers. Cheap, thoughtful and no guilt to be eased.

I also wasn’t a big fan for going out on that night, another little result of my time with Bubba. Fights, tears and disappointment made me want to just ignore any kind of holiday because really, can’t a fight that ends in tears happen on just a random night? I was already used to dealing with my luck at guys disappointing me or breaking my heart at huge junctures in my life, at least give me decent holidays to celebrate.

As a result, boyfriends post Bubba ended up getting off really easily. . . a CD, a nice card, grocery store flowers, dinner cooked together at home. . . sign me up! That is what I did with Jorge, the boy and Chandler. They were all decent experiences in terms of the Hallmark holiday. And if you had asked me at the start of the new year what I would be doing this year, I would have said I was picking up something decadent to cook, watch a double feature of chick flicks and call it a night.

But I got a nice surprise shortly before my birthday and think I gave him a really nice surprise in return. We talked about Valentine’s day and I said I wanted to go to the hockey game. Fancy dinner? Nope. Flowers delivered? Nope. Just give me some hockey, gumbo at a local bar and time spent with him and I would be a happy girl. And that is what we did and it was probably one of the best Valentine’s days ever. Simple, fun and no drama. Who knew?

Allan and I both said a few times that this was one of the best Valentine’s ever…why? All of the above plus he listened to me about what I liked and disliked. I am thankful that the days of wanting the outlandish, unattainable John Hughes experience has gone. I guess in a way I have to thank the crappy boyfriends of the past for the all the letdowns and Chandler for reminding me to appreciate the small gestures.

Now the best holiday is coming up, no presents needed. . . St. Patrick’s Day. . . to be celebrated in a pub or preferably in NYC because who doesn’t want to spend the whole of the parade with New York’s finest. . .

Tuesday Randomness

After what seemed like the world’s longest week last week, this one seems to be going a little quicker. Of course, still no snow but I’m not bitter.

  • While watching the Preds play Sunday night I kept tabs on the Grammys by reading my news feed on Facebook, a special shout out to Son and her sister for entertaining commentary
  • I will go ahead and admit that I have been trying to sniff out Girl Scout cookies the past couple of weeks, as of today, I now have 12 boxes ordered.
  • I blame Allan. . .
  • Originally I had ordered just two boxes since I tend to shove the whole box down my throat in under 30 minutes
  • This isn’t going to be pretty
  • This football obsessed girl is really starting to understand hockey, this could get interesting
  • I am finally getting to go to a game this Thursday, it has been way too long
  • Best Valentine’s Day date ever. . .gumbo, hot dogs, cocktails and a cute boy
  • Loved, loved, loved Kelly Clarkson’s performance Sunday
  • Still scratching my head at John Mayer’s getup but then again I still think he is a schmuck
  • I learned yesterday that Magnolia Bakery now ships, be still my beating heart
  • Now if I could get Lombardi’s pizza here
  • In the category of first world problems, I dropped my bracelet off at Tiffany’s to be fixed. Currently it is hanging out in NYC getting repaired and will not return to BNA until the 26th
  • Why does it seem like my jewelry gets more trips to NYC than I do?
  • Stace’s FB status update about laughing in her sleep and wanting water last night was great, her hubby has video and I cannot wait to see it
  • I am being schooled on all things Vegas by Allan
  • I am currently preparing to leave bread crumbs while there so I can make it back to the room
  • My love for Loveless Cafe’s biscuits was rekindled this past weekend. . .so good

With all this talk of food, the temptation to run out and get something yummy is strong but I will be a good girl and just go to bed. My thighs will thank me for this. Guys, make sure you do a little something for your women. Sometimes a card or another simple token can go a long way. And I might not even wear black like I normally do. . . somebody smack me, I have entered the world of cheesiness.

Tuesday Randomness

I have been teased by Mother Nature quite a bit lately and I am close to channeling Stace’s little one’s terrible two tantrums if I don’t get snow soon. I am also quite proud of the little guy for really giving it his all! Having observed countless two year old behaviour in my friends’ kids I have to admit I am kind of thankful that Wook’s outbursts can be dealt with by simply giving him catnip. That noise you hear? That is the lynch mob courtesy of my friends for me laughing while this happens.

  •  I learned Sunday that Wook has a huge aversion to hot pockets. . . as in the snack food. Or at least the word. Stu set him off while talking about meeting up with some people heating one up in the middle of the night at a hotel. Wook’s rage was only calmed by some catnip and his safe space away from Stu.
  • Stu can cause interesting reactions in my cat as well as women. . .
  • I enjoyed the tweets about the Super Dome losing power as much as I enjoyed the actual game
  • In what has to be one of the best surprises, I ended up getting my birthday wish. Allan is back and while I still have moments of fear when it comes to what happened before I am taking a leap of faith.
  • Being friends first is probably one of the best ways to build a relationship
  • I finally watched Ted last week, I think we need to have more vulgar teddy bears in the world
  • I am getting a firm grasp on the game of hockey, while it isn’t football, it will work
  • I am still counting down until preseason though
  • Besides a horrible obsession with Candy Crush, I have find another time suck courtesy of myVegas. . .this might end up being intervention worthy

Short and sweet this week, I have a million and one thoughts unfortunately I am spent and my really comfy bed is calling my name.

Getting Older: The One Where I Am Bitter (Kind Of, Not Really)

I have a birthday looming. . . I remember when I was getting ready to turn 30; I was thrilled, excited and couldn’t wait until that day. Turning 30 allowed me to become really comfortable in my own skin and subsequent birthdays didn’t bother me either. Well, until I hit 35, something about 35 felt like a slap in the face. Since then, it has been kind of downhill.

I am not the biggest fan of celebrating my birthday but the reality is I should take full advantage of my birthday. One of the cons of being single is you get your birthday, that is about it. So while I read about my friends celebrating anniversaries, kids’ birthdays, etc. I stick with just this one celebration. Things happen and sometimes they don’t go as you planned them.

In my 20s I thought I would be married by the time I was in my mid 30s. Oops. I wasn’t in a hurry to walk down the aisle but I thought that it would be reasonable to think that I would get married in my 30s. Then a course of bad choices, some heartbreaking experiences and of course more bad choices led me to “I will be 40 in a year’s time and have yet to get engaged, married or even successfully date someone for any length of time.” So yes, there is some bitterness but in all seriousness, I can only point a finger in my direction. I can’t blame anyone else for the choices I have made. I guess that is one of the pluses of getting older, you figure out that most of the time those sucky moments are all your fault.

But I think the worst part about getting older is all the crap I see being advertised for “us getting older folk.” As I embrace getting closer to 40, I am looking forward to the following items showing up on my “to buy” list:

Gray Away

Going gray? Spray a bit of color on your hair to hide that dirty little fact!

Reacher Pick-up And Reach Tool

Since we older folk tend to shrink as we get older and climbing on chairs and stools are not the safest option, grab The Reacher! It makes getting those calcium pills, water pills, antacids and other items a lot easier.

Invisi Ear

Huh? What? Can you say that again? I will now sleep better knowing that I can pick up one of these bad boys before going to see a movie. I will be able to hear my shows without having to tap on the cat to ask what was just said. . .oh, not available in California.

Portable Shower Arm

Like many others before me, I want to make sure I can bath safely yet move the shower head around. Visiting friends? Bring it with you! No one should have to manipulate their body while trying to shower.

Long Reach Comfort Wipe

And it goes without saying that the older one gets, the harder it is to poop. Why add to the challenge with the inability to reach around to wipe? This handy dandy tool allows you to attach toilet paper or even wet wipes to it so you too can still wipe your own tush.

Roll-A-Lotion Buy 1 Get 1 FREE

If you can’t reach to wipe, more than likely you are having a time getting the lotion on after your shower. This tool can help you reach any body part you can’t reach with just your hands.

Dream Look Instant Eye Lift

Don’t want to age gracefully yet don’t want to fill your face with Botox? Try this out! Because it is completely normal for 80 year old women to have eyebrows that are really close to the hairline.

Air Compression Leg Wraps

Legs bothering you when you try to sleep at night? Hook these bad boys up and that circulation problem with be a thing of yesterday!

Nyloxin - Pain Relief for Chronic Arthritis and Joint Pain

As many of you know, I am not a fan of smelling like IcyHot, with a squirt into my mouth I can have chronic joint pain relief! Never mind that if this really did the trick every doctor across the states would be screaming about it from the rooftops.

Shingles Treatment

 

Got Shingles? This potion will make things all better! Who knew?!

And finally, the items I couldn’t find online but I do know about. . .

Poise Pads-“oops, I peed my pants!” will no longer be in your vocabulary

iFlash/iCool Pads-I can’t remember the name of these little life savers but I hear that those hot flashes are mean little buggers; slap one of these cooling pads on for a sweat free night’s sleep

The Hurrycane-it will stand even when you can’t! Impress everyone at the senior center with this amazing cane, gone are the days when you needed to worry about where to place your cane while sitting.

Who knew there were so many products out there for the aging crowd?! I will also get to take advantage of the senior discount at movie theaters, airlines, grocery stores and Captain Ds. The alternative is to be six feet under so I guess I will accept this getting older thing and deal with it. But word of warning to my friends, do not buy this crap for me. I think I am going to fight the inevitable by refusing to grow up and have moments where I still think I am in my 20s. The best part? Thank God for the wonderful genes I inherited from my Popa. . . I maybe just a hop, skip and a jump from 40 but I don’t look it!

Tuesday Randomness

It’s going to be one of those weeks again, I can just feel it. . . when I get a Monday off it always ends up throwing the rest of the week off. I’ll suck it up and deal with it because it is nice to have an extra day off though! It is really cold here but per the weather report, next week will be almost like a heatwave. Mother Nature has a bit of ADD.

  • No matter where I am, what I am doing or how long it has been since I last heard it. . . Love Shack by the B52s will always make me think of hitting I75 South to Atlanta. 
  • Stu shared infinite wisdom with me the other day, if only our love lives could be directed by John Hughes. . .
  • Mine would most definitely end with Jake, a birthday cake and sitting on the table enjoying it. . .
  • As a Steelers fan, I have huge issues with cheering for the Ravens but when it comes to having to choose between them or the Pats? Yeah, I’m going to pull for the Ravens.
  • If there was an MVP for most emotional, over the top behavior within the first three minutes of a game, it would go to Ray Lewis
  • After all the theatrics Sunday, I cannot wait until the Super Bowl
  • Of course I will miss the tradition of Pats players’ wives complaining about the outcome of the game
  • Is it preseason yet? I miss football
  • I am learning more about hockey, it helps to have a very large tv to watch it on, I can finally keep up with the puck
  • Kind of ready for a new batch of commercials to be released during the Super Bowl, one can only watch the Farmers commercials so often
  • Most useless sport ever? NASCAR, I can drive really fast in a circle so I am not sure what all the fuss is about
  • Best thing about the commentators for hockey? The accents and the use of the word keister. . . how many sports actually use the word keister? LOVE!
  • I believe I am going to spend the whole of the week confused about what day it is since I was off yesterday
  • I have a house I am desperate to stalk in town, the guy who lives there put together an air compressor and water hoses to create snow. As of the six o’clock newscast he had about nine inches of snow
  • Fair warning to this guy, I may never leave your yard once I find it
  • I NEED snow

Now I have to go back to watching the hockey game and giggling each time I actually figure something out. . .and yes I actually pull for the Nashville Preds, not a fan of the Fang Fingers but at least I am cheering for a local team.