The One With Egg on My Face

It takes a lot to embarrass me, part of it is the goofy side of me and the other is, well, I just don’t care. I had a ball back in January posing with all the wax figures in Vegas or posting the picture of me holding a cup with a penis as the handle…much to the chagrin of the parentals. But I figure I’m 43 and why would I care if some random stranger saw me and decided to judge me?

While being silly is a public setting is hardly risqué and I certainly do so with no adult beverages in hand, there are a few things that can embarrass me. And normally I can point it all back to the male species. I used to know guys fairly well, I grew up with them, spent more time with them and was closer to my guy friends as opposed to my female friends. As I got older, the friendships were a bit trickier (because everyone would have bet their life savings that I was dating said guy friend).

And then I began my habit of picking assholes as boyfriends. I’ve joked that I’ve really been into fixer uppers and then send them on to their now wives. For whatever reason, I’ve always had a thing for the bad boy and maybe that’s me trying to be a rebel without a clue. I had a couple of guys that I dated that didn’t fall into that segment, one being Chandler. And I am still extremely grateful that I had him, even for the briefest of times.

But the latest disaster is the end all be all for being a fool, so let’s prepare to let the eggs fly because this is all kinds of, “ugh, Amy, are you really that stupid?” And the simplest answer I have for you is, why yes, yes I am really that stupid.

I had this friend, we have talked about anything and everything over the past few years. He’s funny, smart, kind and a pain in my ass. We also really enjoyed flirting via text, a lot. For awhile the excuse of why we couldn’t date had to do with someone we both knew, then he was in a relationship and then he wasn’t. After a particularly irritating conversation, I laid it all out. I had feelings for him, I felt like the chemistry was really good, etc. His reply? He didn’t want to argue and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Alrighty then, I may be dumb when it comes to having legitimate feelings for someone but I can read between the lines. All that flirting was simply a game to him, there was no meaning behind it. And queue the flying eggs. I had deluded myself into thinking our conversations meant something to both of us when I was merely a distraction and a great way to pass the time. Of course, he thinks nothing of it and has no idea that his brush off hurt my feelings. Apparently I should just shrug my shoulders and say no big deal.

And thus, I’ve managed to have enough egg on my face for a few dozen soufflés.

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Remembering 9/11

Wow, what I wrote last year seems even more poignant today. There’s even more hate today, from all sides. It seems like my Facebook feed is 2/3 negative. Is that what we want our children to learn? We’ve all been dealt some shitty cards, hell I have a half sister that has hated me since before I was born, that is only interested in having a relationship with someone if they give her stuff. And take a look at my disaster of a love life. Yet I try to find the good in people. Please remember the families affected by 9/11 and when you come across someone who is different than you, just be kind.

15 years later and that brief moment where our country came together is now a distant memory. Today everyone hates everyone, someone is to blame for someone else’s lot in life, our political system is broken and it’s all just sad.

I will stress this little lesson I learned when I was kid, there are always bad apples in every bushel. Can we please stop making blanket statements about people based on the color of their skin, the religious or sexual preference? There are good people in this world, lets shine the light on them, let’s respect each other and understand that there are a lot of ways to get from point a to point b.

For those who lost their lives on 9/11, they were just going about their lives. They died because someone hated us enough to highjack planes and crash them into buildings. Think about that, what can we do to make the world a better place? Because this is a piece of history I do not want to see repeated.

 

14 years later and I still don’t have the words to express how much this one moment in time touched me. The attacks on New York City, Washington DC and Shanksville, PA made me realize that we were not immune to such senseless acts of violence.

14 years later our nation still struggles with how we treat others: race, sexuality, religious beliefs. . . we are all still at each others’ throats because neighbor A doesn’t fit into our box of beliefs and neighbor C puts their trashcan on the right side of their driveway. Yet people are still dying because one party believes they have been wronged by the other party.

Did we not learn anything from 9/11?

But today, let us put all of our differences aside and remember those who lost their lives and to those who have sine passed. Hold tight the ones you love and always be thankful that you are here another day.

911-names1

Tuesday Randomness

I experienced a total eclipse of the heart sun. . . oops, as you can see I am clearly a product of great 80’s music. And while I should do a whole post about all the great music I grew up on it’s Tuesday, I’m tired and well, I felt guilty for not coming downstairs to basement to write a whole bunch of randomness.

  • Does anyone else have issues with their typing? My parents made me take a typing class in high school (umm, yeah that’s no longer offered) so I could have a skill after graduation. I can type quickly and even type without looking at the keyboard but then I have days where it doesn’t matter if I was looking down at the keyboard and typing very slowly, it turns out looking like a bunch of gibberish.
  • I can also rock out a number keypad like it is going out of style, thank you Kmart service desk and the need to balance drawers throughout the day.
  • The eclipse. . . as in that rarity of rarities happened yesterday. I have heard all kinds of feedback from the experience. Me? It was okay. I appreciate what it was but the temp didn’t drop, I missed the dancing snakes from the reflection of the sun and I was sweating to the point where I was convinced I was melting. I enjoyed it, I had the glasses, took a gander, took some pictures and video, enjoyed watching the street light come on and the crickets chatting but then it was over. Poof! I feel like maybe I missed a few steps.
  • A coworker who does photography on the side posted some beautiful pictures he had taken, so thinks like the diamond ring phase that I missed, I was able to see from his posts. He also recently came back from Cuba with an incredibly large collection of photos from the trip.
  • I would like to go to Cuba one day but he did mention it was very depressing. . . maybe I will just stick with London.
  • Preseason football is upon us and while I enjoy getting my football fix a bit earlier I question if it is wise to really push the players. It seems that more are hurt and sidelined before the season starts. But this is also helping me with my fantasy football draft.
  • In a little over a week, college football will be back and that means Gameday on ESPN and SEC channel. I was starting to struggle finding things to watch on tv.
  • And a month from now preseason hockey will start! I cannot wait although I really have to do some hard thinking about buying a new sweater or not. . . I still have to put my patches on my current sweater.
  • I found some possibilities for mounting my Ryan Ellis (#4) hockey stick and a display shelf for the hockey pucks I have; initially my plan was to dress up my basement that is a second den/office with sports memorabilia but decided after spending the cash on the stick that I would have it on display upstairs.
  • Funniest thing I heard today. . . a friend said she found out why a mutual friend and husband defriended me on FaceBook. I wasn’t liking their posts. Gee, that’s not immature and petty at all is it? My thought, I guess we weren’t really friends then if you can use that as the reason, no biggie. As I have gotten older, I have had to cut out some relationships and I have been cut out before.
  • I cooked jambalaya from scratch for the first time yesterday. I can safely say that I knocked that little recipe out of the ballpark.
  • I believe I have finally settled on a tattoo shop for my touch-up needed to my first one as well as the three I want to add. I am excited and once I get all the estimates back, I will prioritize via budget what I will be getting and when. I love tattoos and the meanings behind them. It took me a while to settle on locations but I can safely say that these three have been on my to do list for three plus years now. I also put them where you they will typically be covered. There is one more that I want but I haven’t found anything with my Popa’s writing on it. I want his initials because the man wrote his name, his initials, his address and anything else he could on any item that would sit still long enough! He basically taught himself as he dropped out of school in grade school to help with the farm (pre depression era).
  • The Wookster has come up with yet another new routine for me, when I work from home he will come downstairs about three times a day. Each time he cries, whines and yells at me but then he comes to my chair and wants me to pick him up. I set him on my lap and work for about ten minutes, then he starts biting me, I set him back on the floor and he saunters back upstairs for a nap. #rotten
  • The Cubbies are looking decent and I am cautiously optimistic about the post season.
  • My Steelers need to tighten up defense and offense, along with finding a proper/decent backup QB. Big Ben isn’t going to be around forever and we are lacking in the depth department. I feel like we kind of half ass the draft sometimes but when you are sitting in your living room you do feel bullet proof and all knowing!

So yeah, we could paraphrase all this nonsense to football, hockey, Wookster, tattoos, silly social media crap, typing, travel and that little thing called the eclipse. Have a great week everybody. . . I am ready for a vacation!

Tuesday Randomness

Umm, a day late?

It’s been one of those weeks where you seem to have a ton going on but never accomplish much. And then there’s the whole unrest within our country. Sigh So let’s just bullet point this randomness and buckle up because I am all over the map.

  • I have been steadily losing weight over the past few months, which is much needed, trust. I know I have spent a lot of time talking about my weight, my hangups about it and just the general blah feeling but. .. it took looking like a ridiculous overinflated person in pictures for me to say no more. Oh and my doctor explaining that just because I was getting great blood work back didn’t mean that would hold true forever. . .
  • I am down 20 pounds and while I am proud of my accomplishment, I still have so far to go. Ideally, I would like to lose an additional 40-60 pounds. I know I will never be an Olsen twin again and that is alright by me! I just want to be healthy. I was finally able to put my Tiffany ring back on, which hasn’t been on since last summer.
  • I kicked the diet soda habit last year (still not sure how, just did) and might have a real soda once a week. I guess my weaknesses drink wise is sweet tea and coffee. I finally broke down and found a coffee at Starbucks that wasn’t a million calories and drum roll. . . I am finally drinking water on a regular basis. Still not my favorite thing but I guess I will deal with it.
  • Food–look, I love food, I love to cook and have been known to have a horrible habit of binge eating certain foods. So the sweets only come into my home if they are a single serving, I keep myself on a somewhat strict routine of coffee, protein bar (low in sugar that also satisfies my sweet tooth!), light lunch of some form of peanut butter and maybe some fruit, with my main meal whatever I want as long as it is a small portion. If I am working from home, I will normally switch it up because I can heat up a quick meal instead of worrying about packing something.
  • Exercise–that is coming along a lot slower than anticipated but I will get there. A lot of my issues currently is it is too stinking hot to go outside and exercise. But I bought a new kettlebell and am going to work on some exercises with that. Eventually I want to be able to run another 5K. I actually like those (well, kind of sort of, okay, its being able to wear with tutu with no judgement).
  • Ice skating! To my parents horror, I have gone back to trying to ice skate and have been fairly successful (thank you Preds!) and want to buy a pair of discontinued hockey skates so I can skate on decent blades.
  • I went to this past weekend’s Preds skate at Ford Ice, I was doing okay but got a little big headed and landed on my tush. It hurt but not as much as my ego hurt. Chris Mason had to come pick me back up (thank goodness he was one of the former Preds skating with season ticket holders).
  • I’m a bit sore but not as bad as I thought it would be the next day and no bruise!
  • I have a busy fall coming up, kicking it off with Vegas with the girls and Bruno, then football, hockey, concerts and my now annual trip to NYC for Christmas.
  • Now let’s hope I get to see more snow this winter!
  • And then there is this mess. . . I have never denied that I am left of center, depending on the issue I could be conservative or I could be liberal (with a lot of moderate in there). I also studied political science in college and am fascinated with it. Well, up until last year’s Presidential cycle. One of my dream jobs used to be a political spin doctor, a la #jamescarvelle LOVE HIM!

 

Talking with a coworker today, we started breaking down the issues from over the weekend as well as some of the other more pertinent issues in our country today. And to make this transparent, I am white and my coworker is black. We are the same age, have the same ideals (however she is married with two children) and have similar backgrounds.

Let’s start with the police vs. anyone not white. . . we were both raised to have a natural fear of the police. To this day, if I get stopped, I automatically try to come up with excuses for the body they will find in my car (and there is no body or drugs or a duffel full of money). But it has always been my greatest fear that I am pulled over and then the next thing I know I am taking a detour to the local jail. She feels the same way, well not to that extreme but acknowledges that it is a natural emotion. We discussed what could be done to help relations between the two factions. Part of the problem is the media (and yes, that was part of my major) and the all around sensationalism of the instances where someone takes it too far. Both factions are on the defensive, both weary of what the other will do because OMG! there was a post on social media about a rogue officer attacking for no reason!

My question is simple, if pulled over, why not say yes sir, no sir, okay ma’am here’s my information. . . and if they say get out of the car (even though you were just speeding, not waving a gun in the air or bumping other cars) why not simply just get out of the car? Follow the directions, think of it as your parent telling you to do something. And if the officer is rude, goes above and beyond what is appropriate, get their badge number and calmly report it. Both parties are terrified of leaving their homes and not being able to come back home. And just like that lesson we learned in grade school, it only takes one rotten apple to ruin the bunch. And it is sad that my friends who are not white have to have this discussions with their children and take additional measures to insure their safety but a favorite saying of mine is, “It is what it is”.

And for the record, I have only gotten out of one ticket, it seems most of the cops who pull me over are ready to nail my speeding tush to the wall. I’ll take my lumps (and the driver’s course so my insurance won’t go up) and whine about it but it’s their job. Just like mine is to explain insurance policies and give the awful answer of no when a claim is denied or a drug isn’t covered.

But the interesting part of our conversation truly began when we discussed this weekend. First, there are only two sides and while the original intent might have been to have a peaceful protest, what we witnessed was far from peaceful. I know that neither of us are Cold War babies but let’s put it this way, I have a healthy fear and aversion to anything relating to Russia and the Nazis. How can anyone in today’s society look at what happened Saturday and think, oh it’s okay for a little Nazi gathering.

Fear is what is driving the country apart, the fear mongering of the loudest saying everyone is going to lose their rights or everyone wants a safe space to cry. There is no reasoning with those so far off the grid that they have recreated history. I feel like a good portion of the US is well versed in the Holocaust and WWII. We have so few of those wonderful, brave Jews who lived through Auschwitz left living among us. They remember the cleansing Hitler was working on, they remember those beautiful Down syndrome children being wiped from society or even the mentally ill, gypsies, etc having medical testing done on them just because.

Did we not learn anything? For the first time (including 9/11) I am fearful for the future of our country. I am also grateful that I didn’t bring a child into this world. I am also embarrassed at the hate for others because they don’t look like us. Here’s the thing, the only true inhabitant of America are the Native Americans, the rest of our ancestors came over on a boat. Without a doubt, I can guarantee that 95% of our population would be considered mutts. Or as they say in Harry Potter world, a mud blood. I haven’t taken one of those DNA tests but I know I have some Blackfoot Indian, English, German and probably some Irish floating around in my DNA. I am a mutt. I am not a pure blood and most of us fall into that category.

We also have to learn to let go. That one is a hard one for me, well in my personal life. . . slights, real or imagined that happened today or 50 years ago are still slights to that particular person. And sometimes I think we get so eat up with a slight that we focus on only that and forget that there is so much more beauty in the world.

I am not a fan of Kapernick or anyone taking a knee when the anthem is played but that is his choice and his freedom. If that is a gesture that means a lot to him, then I can respect him for it. That doesn’t make me less patriotic nor does that make him into someone who hates America.

I do take issue with the current group of idiots waving the Nazi flags around and talking about a pure race (please see above, boy wouldn’t I love to pay for some DNA testing for them and then read the results). Children do not come out of the womb hating, it is a learned emotion. And for the most part, children are taught to respect each other, even if the kid can’t stand little Johnny. There isn’t a rule that states we all have to like each other but being respectful is key.

All in all, we have a lot of work to do. This isn’t a liberal vs. conservative issue, an us vs. them issue. . . it’s a human issue. And as an aside. . . this week ended up being a little deeper than normal and this is just some of the stuff that is rolling around my head. IF someone feels led to leave a comment, I ask for decorum, as my speech and debate teacher would have asked for. . . if you have to devolve into two dollar words and sending me or someone else to hell, the argument is more of a screaming tirade or you spend most of your time coming up with creative ways to include all the dirty words just save your time. I respond to thoughtful debate. This isn’t me being a snowflake, it is the straight A’s received in those classes that cause me to demand thoughtful debate.

Try a little kindness, I promise, it won’t kill you.

Tuesday Randomness

I think I deserve a cookie for posting Tuesday Randomness two weeks in a row! Maybe I am finally out of my slump. There are times when I think that when Chandler left and Alan entered stage wrong, my desire to write went with Chandler. Now? I don’t think it was that necessarily, it was knowing how uncertain things were with Alan. . . never wanting to jinx it. But then again he had an awfully hard time staying faithful so maybe it is best that I didn’t really document that time. Live and learn right?

Let’s see, I am still the same dorky Amy, addicted to all things sports. I finally became a season ticket holder with the Nashville Predators (yay #smashville!). I went to the Used Equipment Sale this past weekend and picked up a Ryan Ellis hockey stick. He is my favorite Canadian ginger! Love him! Now I have to figure out if I can ever get him to sign my stick. I plan on mounting it on my living room wall with my growing collection of hockey pucks.

Once the hockey season was over (oh, that was in June people) I washed all the rally towels, t-shirt giveaways, my hockey sweater and oh yeah. . .my probably really rank jeans that I refused to wash during playoffs. My lint trap looked like something Gnash might have puked up. I also had to admit I have a slight problem. .. see I have clothes for work, a limited supply of casual wear for warmer weather and the rest of my closet looks like a sports store threw up in it.

Gee, I didn’t realize this was going to be all about puke/things that come up. Sorry?

Anyway, I was on a roll last fall with my Cubbies (LOVE!) so of course I had to pick up all kinds of playoff t-shirts. Then I broke down and bought the Steelers (LOVE) infinity scarf so I could be kind of dressy at work. Which led to a late hockey season decision to purchase the Preds scarf which was then worn through a good portion of June (oh yeah, did you know we made a run for Lord Stanley’s Cup?).

And I will go ahead and admit, I am a very lucky girl. I was able to attend most of the games through the playoffs. And let’s just say that playoff hockey is on another level and then add our crazy crew who let’s face it, took a few traditions from football and hockey, smashed them together and all the sudden we were the talk of the NHL. Traditional markets didn’t care for us, said we were loud, rude, obnoxious while some saw a great storyline coming out of a southern town.

We are a smaller hockey market, that came in with three other teams. One of the expansions no longer exists in it’s original city. And it wasn’t us! We had a huge scare ten years ago and I remember the fight to keep them here. I attended plenty of games where we sucked, we lost most of the games, the barn wasn’t near capacity and an owner who wasn’t completely honest about his financials.

But that’s the funny thing about Nashville. We have a lot of self loathing (look no further than Music Row and the execs), the multiple personalities when it comes to the neighborhoods and some neighborhoods that just can’t figure out their identity. But there are two ways to identify someone that is considered a Nashvillian. .. if we spot someone famous, we may nod their way but we don’t stop and chat, take pictures or ask for autographs and the other is when you ask us how long it takes to get from Bellevue to say the arena. .. we will say 15 minutes. The second is so bad because the only way you can get anywhere in this town within 15 minutes is either via helicopter or it’s one am and you’ve been able to arrange a road block so you can get from point A to point B within the 15 minute timeframe.

So our little market that could had a grassroots movement of sorts to save our Preds. Sure, in the beginning most of us didn’t understand icing, power plays, shots on goal, hooking or high sticking however. .. we can read. So between learning how this sport worked, we got a quick intro into going all in with a team to keep them here. I give mad props to the marketing team because they really got our community. They had ticket reps feeding tickets to people on the street and slowly taking them away with the allure of game packages. And soon little pockets of fans creeped up throughout the city. We had the Cell Block, our rowdy friends in the upper deck who really got the chant thing going. And no, we don’t have practice or meetings to discuss the chants. In the advent of social media, the chants spread like wildfire.

I remember chanting, “we want tacos” when we needed one more goal since five goals got us a free taco. Thank goodness they went to Frosties at four goals. Hey, we will yell our hearts out for the free dollar item! Some things I miss, like the Predator like blimp that would fly around during the game and spit out tickets for prizes. They still show some of the old graphics (Get Loud Nashville. . .I believe that was one of the first ones).

And because we are Music City, crazed football fans who love our hockey players. . . well I think everyone knew we were going to kick it up a few notches when we strolled into the Western Conference Division finals. Our first time to that dance before the big one and man, we were crazed. The catfish flew everywhere, I held one (I would have kissed him had he been a bit fresher) and downtown transformed to a golden city. And then we arrived to the big stage, fighting for the glory of Lord Stanley’s Cup.

And in true Music City, only in Nashville can this happen, a trifecta of a perfect storm: Bonaroo, Fan Fair (wait, sorry CMA Music Fest) and then hockey in JUNE! All at the same time. Parking downtown on a normal evening is not pleasant, parking down there when you have major events happening at the same time, a high school graduation and an awards show was moved from our barn to the Music City Convention Center and the chaos from providing some over the top entertainment for the NHL stage. . . umm yeah, a lot of bad words were uttered. The parking lots gouging us had to be a part of Dante’s seven circles of hell.

Mayor Barry, please, please, please. . . mass transit for all. PLEASE!

But overall, I am so proud of my boys! It didn’t end the way I wanted it to but what a ride. And we are all anxiously counting down until October to raise the banner and keep showing the nation just how much we love our hockey!

But I am kind of really, OMG, I can’t wait, excited that football is here (I will take preseason by this point just to have it back on my tv).

The One With the Longest Week

Most of the time, it seems like the weeks fly by and I am usually thinking, how is it already (enter month, holiday, season, what have you)?! However, this past week has felt like the longest week ever. To be fair, I typically spend most of the time thinking exactly what day it is because of the work I do (I normally work two to three months in advance). The added layer of confusion is I desk share (awesome program by the way!) that has my desk partner and I switching our remote days each week. I like to think of it as a way to really exercise my brain.

But then there are weeks like this past one that I kind of have to stop, scratch my head and wonder what in the world I did to end up with a week like this. Work has been hectic, but that is normal. I also prefer to be busy, as long as I can manage to keep up with the work. But it was the rest of my life, the one that isn’t consumed with work, that felt off most of the week.

There were a couple of bright spots, Wednesday I went to see Queen + Adam Lambert with Chandler’s mom and older sister. Besides enjoying spending some time with them (which included dinner at Hattie B’s) we headed downtown to my second home. We walked around the second floor by the Patron Club while I gave them some tidbits about the arena, the Preds and pointed out pictures of past performers and players displayed on the walls. Once on the main floor, we hit the merchandise booth and for the first time in forever, I bought a shirt.

I knew we had great seats just by reading the seat assignment but the reality was far better than I could have imagined. We were the section next to the stage, about nine rows up. Well hello there Queen + Adam Lambert! There was no opening act, so it started later than most concerts. But once the show started, I was a happy clam, thankful that I bit the bullet and paid what I paid to attend.

Adam Lambert addressed the big ole pink elephant in the room almost immediately. There is only one Freddie Mercury and he felt really honored to be working with two legends. Then they went back to the music. If you watched my FaceBook live feed, you would notice that most of the time, my camera was fixed on Brian May or Roger Taylor. I like Adam Lambert but I was there to see two of my heroes perform, an opportunity I had never believed would happen.

The show was fast paced, loud, full of energy with touching tributes to Freddie interspersed through the show. And I had a couple of moments where I got teary eyed, Brian May came out while the others rested/changed to talk to us. He then did the acoustic version of Love of My Life, one of Freddie’s songs he used to sing all of the time. And I almost lost it. Then later in the show they did Who Wants to Live Forever and once again I got teary eyed. Or as Chandler would have said, CRYBABY! Yeah, I will own that.

That concert for me was one that I never dreamed of attending. I love Freddie Mercury, having listened to a heavy rotation of Queen growing up. His voice and personality was larger than life and the world is a little dimmer having lost him but May and Roger, along with Lambert managed well. And I can say that I have now clapped along with the crowd during Radio Ga Ga. I feel pretty special now.

But between lack of sleep, the week taking it’s sweet time to get to the weekend and the weather (summer can go away, right now, not going to miss it). I was in a funk.  I have also been rereading a series that apparently affects my mood (I will take it off the rotation after this round). By the time I got home Friday from work I was a wound up mess. And beyond grateful that I had two days to decompress and adjust my attitude.

That whole am I imagining things or could something really be there seems to more in my head than reality. And yes, that pissed me off too because hello, I know better. Been there, done that and it never ends the way I think it should. So then I did the whole lecturing myself for being so stupid, letting the walls down a bit and all that fun stuff. As I have said plenty of times before, I am my own worst enemy.

So I have spent the weekend reading, napping, running a few errands, getting a mani/pedi and finally the last bright spot for the week. I went to the Preds Used Equipment Sale today and that was pretty cool. I ended up with my favorite ginger Canadian’s hockey stick (Ryan Ellis) which I will work on mounting on my wall with my vast collection of hockey pucks.

So all in all, it was a really long week that was meh with reminders of what I should not do. If I were a brave person, I would just have a chat with the person but after everything he has been through keeping my big mouth shut is the better option. Here’s hoping to a decent week with a Monday that flies (because we all know I hate Mondays).

Tuesday Randomness

Well hot damn! I guess I am going to breathe some life back into this mess of a blog AND bring back Tuesday Randomness. .. this was always a great exercise when I used to write all the time. I could pull random thoughts out of my head and call it a day. Some may call it a trip to crazy town but I call it Tuesday.

So. . . I’ve written a ton about my anxiety/depression. I did a little experiment a few years ago where I stopped taking my happy pretty me pills. . . for about six months and then the anxiety attacks decided it would be fun to cycle like they did right before I was diagnosed. Lesson learned. . . don’t go off your meds. I can handle depression, I know what to do, how to handle the day to day but anxiety attacks can only have so many coping mechanisms and then the house of cards crash down.

Gen Xers were probably the first group to really be open about mental health and even within my generation, I am sure we are a cagey bunch. However we did not have a ton of kids running around with food allergies (it truly was a rarity growing up to come across a peanut allergy) and we weren’t diagnosed with sensory issues, ADHD or any of the other conditions that kids today are being diagnosed. I am sure some of it is the environment now. . . foods being over processed, etc. our diets and lifestyles.

However I will say that for someone to be taken to the school counselor or parents being encouraged to delve deeper into a kid’s issues when I was growing up was nonexistent. Sure, if a child went to an extreme but like with any other mental health issue, it takes all kinds. In my case, I have been dealt a diagnosis of ADHD. I didn’t think it was possible even after reading up on it, answering all kinds of questions because hey, we all have issues.

But the one question that kind of brought it all together and made the lightbulb go off was, “how did I do in school?” Umm, well if it was a subject I loved, no problem but if I had little to no interest, forget it. Especially as I got older. I was always able to cope because when you are young, it is no big deal to bounce around and just get by. But why did I go seek out help at this point?

Oh, that’s right, I couldn’t read for 20 minutes solid. Who cares if I remember tasks like pay bills or cleaning the house? Work? Sure I can juggle that, no biggie. Except I wasn’t doing well on any of it. I didn’t care because I could still fly through a book. And when I couldn’t I started noticing I was always shaking a foot, an arm or jumping from one task to the next without finishing one.

After being poked, prodded and the asked a million questions. . . they opted to put me on a med. And you know what? I can tell a difference. I can stick to a task, get items checked off, even the crap things I don’t want to do. . .I go through them and am so focused that I almost giggle each time I realize it.

Oh and my reading habit? I have been on the meds for about two months now, I have read close to 16 books. I am a fast reader and the fact that I was dragging and couldn’t read because I had to keep switching from book, to game to some other app on my iPad was killing me. So it wasn’t work or my personal life that was taking some kind of hit because of my lack of focus. .. it was my in ability to fly through a book that made me stand up and take action.

Oops! But seriously for those who think something might be off with them health wise. . . have a chat with your doctor. There is a chance that it could really make a difference in your life.

The Time Machine

I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing, overanalyzing any and everything. It could be a disagreement with an old boyfriend or that time I watched a parent be a horrible human being in the grocery store. I tend to think that part of the reason I am always in my head is my personality while I am sure my anxiety, depression issues play a part in it too. And, I always want to be right (such a bad personality trait).

I’ve been finding quotes daily (for the most part) that puts life in perspective, to be grateful and to maybe get out of my head. This morning I came across this one. . .

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.

Gilda Radner wrote that and she is one of my personal heroes. Taking her ordinary looks and her ability to make people laugh to the next level. From her characters in Saturday Night Live to her quirky roles in movies to the most epic love story ever told. . . her love for Gentlemen Wilder and their life together.

I was raised on a healthy diet of fairytales, Disney movies and how the Prince Charming comes in the end to tie up that beautiful love story with that perfect bow. I understood that they were just stories but what wonderful stories they were! I am grateful my charmed childhood was balanced out with the neighbor kids my age being boys though. I was willing to get dirty, play with my matchbox cars as much as I was putting a dress on and playing with my dolls.

I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing my choices and playing out all the what ifs and I wishes. . . hey I have a lot of time on my hands when there is a lull between sports. I did the boyfriends of the past tour last year and while it was probably a 50/50 outcome, it did allow me to say, yep, that was the right decision. Even if I didn’t want it to end or I did because I wanted to spread my wings.

Every success and every mistake I’ve made is what makes me me. Take it or leave it, I am a non-drama kind of girl that rarely gets jealous, has guy friends and will be blunt without thinking if that hurts someone’s feelings.

I’ve experienced the weird tightrope of being friends after the relationship ended years before and I’ve also felt the pull of unfinished business. It’s strange to have a conversation and you just automatically finish their thoughts. Or automatically revert back to that person that takes care of the other one. Or those times when you look up and he is looking at you and unspoken words are exchanged. It leaves you with a “did that just happen? OR Was I just imagining things just because?”

Since I have overanalyzed most of my adult life, I will say that I tend to just lean towards it all being in my head. For better or worse, I am my own worst critic. I may have that perfect ending sitting in my head but normally my stories are all over the map, make little to no sense or huge mistakes on my part where I completely embarrassed myself.

No one has a perfect fairytale story and that is okay. I’ve also managed to write my own endings. The ones where I finally decided to stop waiting around for Prince Charming to whisk me off my feet and see the world. It is terribly freeing when you let go of what society thinks you should be doing and make it up as you go along.

I’ve expanded my sports knowledge, introduced hockey to my dad, traveled to some of my favorite cities in the US, worked on me (a lot) and learned to be a better friend and auntie. I’ve even gotten back to my love of music, taking in quite a few concerts this year.

So what if my stories doesn’t rhyme or have clear beginnings, middles and ends. . . those stories create a sum total of me. Life’s messy and I suck at all things domsetic (except cooking) so I accept the mess and keep moving.

The One Where I Went on a Blind Date

A lot has changed in the world of dating. Ten years ago it was a big freakin deal to even do the internet dating. Now there is an app for any and all kinds of dating. Wanna hook up? Wanna date a Jew? A farmer? Looking for same sex options? You name it, they have it.

Which begs the question, why didn’t I major in program development? But I digress… I work with some young kids. I am often reminded of what my life used to look like as well as what it would look like if I were their age. I’ll pass on both options. They did suggest Bumble, a dating app that makes the female reach it first once a match is made. Think Tinder but less sleazy.

Ive tried it off and on in the past year, with little success. There was one guy, Bradley, that seemed cool but it never went anywhere. I think he was hedging his bets with multiple options and instead of saying, hey, I’m dating someone, he just poofed. Another guy I kind of got to know was interesting but I just couldn’t pull the trigger to met him. Too much time to think about it which makes it virtually impossible for me to follow through.

And then this joker…moved here a year ago from Alabama, my age…not necessarily my type but since I’m not getting any younger and I’m no longer that tiny little thing from ten years ago, I kept an open mind. He seemed funny and the online chatting seemed to be easy. He asked to meet up for a drink that evening. Ok, not giving me time to analyze so I say ok.

First impressions…no spark. He was funny but red flags starting flying. We are at a place on my side of town. He doesn’t offer to pay for my drink, no problem. We sit and start chatting when one of his buddies walks by and they start to chat. Weird vibes as they talk and then both start asking if I have single friends for a double date.

Nashville is no longer a small big town, bumping into people you know, especially when you are across town from where you live doesn’t happen often. And these two jokers are chatting, sizing me up and just all around weird with red flags flying. His friend finally leaves and guy starts asking a ton of questions. But the best part was when he explained he felt like I was a red flag because I haven’t been married nor had children by 43. He decided to give me a chance though. Wow, how charitable.

When I explained that while I had really wanted to get married and have kids, it just hadn’t happened, he began asking what was wrong with me. Umm, ok. I guess the only real mark against me is my taste in men. I have heard stories of women giving ultimatums, manipulating the situation to get their own way as well as guys just relenting and saying, well, we’ve dated this long, guess this is the next step.

Do you know where most of those examples are now? Divorced.

When I asked him about his time being married and his kids, the only response I got was, they’re grown. He refused to give any details that pertained to him. But he felt comfortable enough to discuss how I was dressed, that I needed to wear heels,  be more feminine and what size I was in actual clothing. Nice eh?

I knew it was time to cut and run. He kept asking if he could come to my house to watch hockey. Umm no, I just met you. He then walked me to my car, tried to kiss me, when I stepped back he asked to come back to my place again and then tried to kiss me again. Short of knocking him out cold, I told him I barely knew him, he was not welcome in my home nor was I interesting kissing him.

I drove off, ran a couple of errands and cringed at what a horrible experience it had been. The next day he texted twice and called once. I politely responded with the following, “you e given me plenty to think about as I didn’t realize my lack of marriages and kids were red flags. At this time, I am going to work on me. Thanks.” And then I blocked him and deleted the app.

What did I learn? That apparently as long as you can say you were married it doesn’t matter. Settle up ladies and gents! Because those divorcées will judge you if you haven’t been married and had kids with a variety of people.

Umm yeah, I think I’ll just wait and if it happens, great. If not, at least I’m alone for the right reasons and not in a relationship for the wrong reasons. And those with multiple exes can judge me. Cheers!

 

Because It Could Only Happen to Me

There are times when I truly think my life should be one of those cheesy romantic comedies. .. well, light on the romantic, heavy on the comedy. I’ve joked before about exes popping back up in my life. I even did a brief tour to visit boyfriends from the past last year.

Of course, nothing could prepare me for the boy coming back into my life. Sure, we live less than five miles from each other, our offices are less than a mile away but running into him? Nah. In fact I had put the boy in the file marked old history. My trip through the past last year allowed me to go back to DC and make peace with what I considered a disaster of a trip.

Of course every time you think that your past is in fact comfortably sitting in the past, it does like to pop up. As usual, the boy didn’t have my phone number but he had my email address. Something tragic had happened and he needed a friend. He knew he didn’t deserve it but he was asking anyway. So I called.

He told me what happened and some of it went right over my head because I was in shock. I was having a hard time putting it all together and could only say I was sorry to hear that. The boy apologized for being an asshole to me, being a shitty friend, all the stuff that Bubba had said all those years ago. He went on to say that he would appreciate meeting up for a drink at some point but then prefaced it with he didn’t want me to think he was using me and that he wasn’t just leaning on me because it’s easy (well something to that effect, it’s been a few months). And in perfect self defense mode (ala making fun of myself so there would be no way I could ever be rejected) I explained that I had gained a lot of weight and that there wouldn’t be one ounce of attraction for me. . .

Then in a small voice he said, I just want you to be healthy.

Maybe his reading my blog made him see some things, maybe it didn’t. Maybe the women who came after me made he learn a lesson. I don’t know but that was the very first time he responded with a neutral comment about my health and not something about losing weight or some kind of goal I should have for myself.

After watching DC guy react to how I looked last year I was at least prepared for some kind of reaction from the boy. I mean, this isn’t a few extra pounds, it is quite a bit and it affects everything in my life now. To his credit, he didn’t let his reaction show. Now I can come up with all kinds of things probably running through his mind however I torture myself enough with the harsh words, so we will skip this part.

We talked on the phone, texted, met for a drink and when the shit would hit the fan, he leaned on me to vent. I may suck at romantic relationships but I rock the friend one. And just like that, it was as if no time had passed and we were old friends. I will say, I have some bitterness with eHarmony because the boy was a perfect match. We got along, had tons in common, could talk for hours but (because there is always a but) where I was flexible (to the point of being steamrolled by almost any guy I dated) he was rigid. If I willingly gave up control of the tv for a program he rarely did so for me. The boy let me in to a degree when we were dating but kept some walls up.

And maybe that is why by the time Chandler got me, he had a lot of demo work to do. Why let someone in, be so open, showing everything about you when the other person only shows snippets? You don’t get as hurt that way.

The boy has grown as a person and I now have that relationship I had with Bubba with him. I can be honest, tell him that I think something is stupid because I don’t have anything to lose. I am probably quite mean to him when it comes to being blunt. Its a gift that was born out of the rubble from the Bubba debacle.

We’ve hit that nice stretch where we are friends, we will go to dinner, talk about concerts and sports. It is nice. I watched his face when we were at Iron Maiden last month. Pure joy to be seeing one of his favorite bands. It’s the look I imagined I had for most of my trip to NYC last Christmas, when something you love so much becomes a reality.

I hate that the reason he popped back into my life was because of a tragedy within his life but I guess when you need friends, you need them. Hopefully he will find peace and happiness in the future. As for now, I will enjoy talking food and sports with him.