Sorry for the long web address, I couldn’t find one that I liked that wasn’t being used!
So. . .once again I find myself single and while for some that is a great and exciting time, well let’s just put it this way, I am kind of at a loss. The boy was a great match, voila eHarmony, but a few minor things that were shared online and then proven to be not so true popped up during our 14 month relationship. I am proud of the whole thing though because I spoke up for myself.
The boy was a great guy who ultimately didn’t want to get married. It might have been he didn’t want to marry me but I am going to at least try and convince myself that it was all him, a guy who happened to not want to get married.
I have always wanted to get married but I do pick the wrong guys. I have friends that have been proposed to several times and I feel like the statement by Bridget Jones in the movie, (paraphrasing here) that us single girls in our thirties have scales underneath our clothes. And that my friend is why I am still single.
I also want to have children and I am sure if I go on any dates in the future, the guy will run for cover as soon as he realizes I am 35, never been married but want to get married and have kids. No pressure there, right?
I have issues, which I am sure each of you will pick out quickly as time goes by but hey, we all have them and I like to think of them as quirks. . .
Do I miss the boy? Most definitely and I still think about him daily and the love I have for him will always be there. Was it easy for me to walk away from him? No. In fact, the decision was beyond heartbreaking and I have regretted it since day one but he said he wants to move forward. I can’t blame him but man, this is so hard and I can’t help but think back to that evening and wishing I could change a few things.
It has been almost a month since I walked and my life has been quite challenging. Hope you don’t mind the girl talk for a bit. . .
I had an abnormal pap smear in 1998, which resulted in a biopsy and a LEEP procedure for dysplasia. I had normal paps since then until May of this year. I had a biopsy again, this time, it hurt more than I remembered the last one. After a week of pure hell, waiting and crying, my biopsy was clear but I would need to be checked again in October.
I will say this, for any woman that hates this annual procedure, get it done anyway, it is a life saving test. I have no issues spreading my legs for my doctor because I have been through this twice and prefer to know as soon as possible so I can get the medical care needed.
During my regular visit we also discussed that time of the month becoming more like those when I was younger and not on the pill. This was the third year that I complained about it and I think that my doctor finally decided to send me in for an ultrasound just to shut me up!
I learned that I had a fibroid (8cm big), a cervix that does not want to be found and a uterus that tilts backwards. Hey, I don’t ever do anything the easy way.
The nurse was like, no big deal, etc but knowing that I had that fibroid and linking it with my symptoms made it clear that something needed to be done.
My doctor will not touch it because of where it is located (umm, naturally, the thing can’t be nice) and I have been sent to a specialist. Actually, to a fertility clinic. Nice huh?
So off I will go this week to see what my options are and my parents aren’t thrilled with the whole thing. Mom keeps telling me it will just go away and Dad just thinks I am hell bent on surgery. I would offer up a month in my shoes for both of them but I don’t think they would get my concerns.
All of this is to say that once I had the answer to the biopsy, a date with the fertility doc the ramifications of walking away from the boy hit harder due to the fact that I was focusing on other things.
Will it get easier? At some point yes but for the moment, I am stumbling through it like I do most things.
The only upside is I have lost ten pounds and have about 40 more to go to get to my ideal weight. I have been forcing myself to eat and started the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. That hurts like no other but I am going to keep doing it because it makes me not think about the fact that the boy is no longer in my life.