I Have to Do What?

TMI for my dear reader(s):

I have been psyching myself up for this surgery since, well since I got word that I would be having it. I know that once I have recovered I will feel better and the painful periods will hopefully be behind me. BUT prepping for this surgery is, how can I say it? Oh yeah, I think I could best describe it as mortifying! As in, did I really agree to have Charlie (aka my friendly fibroid) cut out of me????

Yep, I did sign up for it and after talking to the surgery center and getting my instructions I thought, piece of cake! I can do this. . .then I got my final letter from my doctor. . .I cannot eat the whole day before my surgery. I can have clear liquids, jello and popsicles and broth (oh, yummy! I am soooo excited!) but no real food. Then at precisely 3pm I am to drink magnesium citrate.

I had been toying with the idea of going to Def Leppard the evening before my surgery, I mean, it’s just surgery, I don’t have to do anything except show up, allow them to stick needles in me and I get to sleep. So it didn’t sound too crazy to me that I should go see the concert. Then I read the next sentence in my letter: After drinking the mag citrate, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU WILL HAVE DIARRHEA. Excuse me? I reread that line again and then yelled :I HAVE TO DO WHAT???????????” NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! Anything but camp out on the toilet for the evening, anything but that please??????????????

After sobbing, screaming and scaring the cat, I gathered my dignity around me and thought, well dang it, I guess I couldn’t pull off a night with Def Leppard with the trots now can I? After giving up that dream of seeing Phil Collin rocking out on the guitar I sighed thinking that maybe, just maybe they will come back next year.

As for my Monday from hell. . .well, I decided to infuse humor on the situation, sharing with friends, coworkers and well anyone else that would listen that I would be in the toilet from 3pm on the day before surgery but I would have my phone handy and I will be more than happy to chat while taking care of business. .  .

And then my boss came back from a business trip and this is how I decided to share with him that I would have to leave work earlier than anticipated.

me: Ummm, boss, I need to leave by 2:30 due to the requirements of cleansing my bowels out before surgery.

boss: (turning red and trying to stifle a laugh) Oh, okay Amy, no problem. . .

I am all about oversharing and bless that man, because the last three months have had to been rough on him. I have shared with him my female issues and that my love life was in the shitter (exact words) and you know what, that is how we roll. That man doesn’t flinch when I offer up tidbits and thank goodness because I would hate to have HR talk to me about oversharing.

And the one thing that he has said that made me smile on the inside, he said even when I am down I am still pleasant to work with, thanks boss man, because my mood has been all over the map and the last thing I want or need is being told I need an attitude adjustment.

And for those curious reader(s) out there, I could be persuaded to share my experience of cleansing my bowels if need be but first I have to go to Target to stock up on TP, kleenex and reading material.

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Oh Hell No, Vick Doesn’t Belong Anywhere Near the Steelers!!!!!

I am one pissed off little girl right about now! As I was getting ready to shut the computer down I saw this headline “Vick to the Steelers?” on http://www.MSNBC.com. Seriously? Really, Michael Vick, hater of animals, king of the professional dog fighting realm, to play for the Steelers? HELL NO!

I love the Steelers and one of the biggest reasons I have stayed a Steelers fan since what’s his name turned me onto them is the Rooney family and the tradition of bringing a class act to the field, each and everytime. I miss the days of Coach Cowher jutting out his jaw (brings a tear to my eyes just remembering all of those memories) and have handled the adjustment of Tomlin coming in as coach ( he’s a talented coach but I had my reservations at first). It was touch and go for a bit but Tomlin is my coach and I love what he has done with the team (hello number 6 Super Bowl win).

But this article (http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2009/07/28/vick-to-the-steelers/) just bothers me. Makes me want to fly up to NYC and give the author a what for tongue lashing. The Steelers have had hiccups with their players but I have yet to see the DUI, skirt chasing, bad boy behavior cause I be an NFL Playa and don’t want that to start.

Vick doesn’t fit with the organization, he runs to much instead of passing (what NFL QBs are supposed to do and yes, that is why my boy Vince Young, Hook Em Horns, will probably not ever be starting QB for the Titans again. The NFL’s MO for QBs is to pass, stay in the pocket and make the plays that way, run only when it is the only viable option. Vick is a runner and that doesn’t mesh with the Steelers’ style. Thanks to the boy for pointing out the difference in NFL QBs and college QBs.

As for my future husband, Rothlisberger (wow, I forgot I could call him that again since the boy and I are no longer. . .) I have high doubts in the woman who has sued him (in civil court) stating that he raped her, last year, oh and there was no police report made. Maybe it is just me, but if I was ever raped (God, please don’t let me ever have to go through that) I would go running to the police, no matter who said that I shouldn’t or questioned me. So, I tend to question her motives. . .

Okay, I have to go and calm down now. I am all fired up! Is it football season yet???????

Oh Dear, I Forgot I Signed Up for This

Last year, my friend Rach mentioned that her sister would be turning 21 this summer and oh yeah, you are coming with me. . . Sure, no problem, just let me know when and where and I will be there to help you with the youngins and their first taste of bar hopping.

So this summer hits and while I am dealing with my love life, health and other life issues, I completely forgot about it. That is until I got an invite, via Facebook, for the party. My friends know I am so not the bar hopping kind, I wasn’t that into it when I was younger, now? Let’s just say I find complete and total happiness in hanging at my apartment. The kicker, my sweet friend is about eight months pregnant with number four!

There will be a party bus involved and a place to crash for those that drink. Apparently, the bus will pick us up at 9pm, dropping us back off at 1:30am. Huh? I am in bed by 10pm most nights. I thought about having a cocktail or two while we are out but more than likely, it will be water most of the evening.

God, please grant me the strength to get through the evening and the ability to even stay up that late! I am sure I will be taking tons of pictures and there will probably be lots of laughs between Rach and I as we go back in time to our college days. And let me just say, I am so thankful that the days of fraternity parties are now past because the hangovers were not souvenirs and some of my behavior at said parties were cringe worthy!

It Sucked, Then I Cried

The other week I finished reading Heather Armstrong’s book (title above) and spent a good deal of time laughing out loud. The book is a detailed account of her pregancy with Leta and dealing with PPD. Armstrong is very honest on her blog (www.dooce.com) as well as in the book about her struggles with depression.

I was talking to a friend about the book and while she admitted to dealing with the “baby blues” after her children, she felt that by announcing it or talking with someone about it; voicing it would make her seem weak. That admission stopped me in my tracks. As women, we have all heard of some woman, somewhere suffering and either harming themselves or their child.

As someone who has dealt with depression in my own life and is dealing with panic attacks; I don’t find that by seeking out help I am weak. On the contray, I find that by talking about my panic attacks, the medication I take and what I do to calm myself down should I end up having one, helps me and possibly others.

It is a sad world when people are judged by the medication that they take or that they admit to going to therapy. During the two weeks it took for my medication to get into my system were probably the crappiest. The first week I was unable to stay at my apartment at night. Being independent was and still is, such a part of me, that admitting that I couldn’t stay there without someone there was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I spent most of the week at a friend’s home, sleeping on the couch. I also had to take an additional pill during those two weeks to keep me from going over the edge. The panic attack I had (almost two years ago now) landed me in the emergency room. My friend sat there, trying to keep me calm but my heart was racing and took forever to settle back down. I didn’t sleep a wink that night due to the fear of having another panic attack. That is something I didn’t realize, even though I had had panic attacks before, once you have a bad one, the fear of having another can paralyze you.

I have had a few since then but mainly those are caused if I drink too much alcohol, which doesn’t happen too often because I know my limit. The triggers are weird because with the exception of one, the rest have not been caused due to stress, depression or being scared.

Which leads me back to the book. . . I have heard friends say that taking a pill isn’t the cure all and sometimes they feel like popping a pill is the easy way to deal with it. Armstrong has been “attacked” on her blog due to the medications she has taken before, during and after pregancy but she feels confident with her decision (and her doctor’s advice) to do what needs to be done in order to live a full life without crying, screaming or falling apart. The medication is not a cure all in terms of making anyone happy all the time, what the medication does is balance out those chemicals that can take a toll on your daily life.

Reading her blog and her book has allowed me to see that continuing with my course of treatment is the right thing to do. I need to be able to function daily, get a good night’s sleep and not head to the ER everytime my heart feels like it is getting to jump out of my chest. I deal with the comments made from time to time but I take comfort in the reality that no one (including my mom) has to deal with this and it is my body.

As for the depression or the darkness as I like to call it, I am still struggling with it but am working through it. I know for my mental health, it is important for me to take it one day at a time, to do what is needed and if I break down in a sobbing mess, that it is okay to do so.

If you haven’t read the book or Armstrong’s blog, I highly recommend both. You will find yourself laughing at parts as well as get a great look into someone’s life who is managing, even at times when life can suck, to find the humor in it all. Plus the pictures of Chuck and Coco (her dogs) will make you smile.

Not So Fast Miss Thing

I kind of figured this would happen. I was hurt, upset and bound to do something rash. . .and then I realized before I even walked out the door that I wasn’t ready to date again. At least new guys.

I met up with a match for coffee but as I was getting ready I started crying. He wasn’t the boy. There were no butterflies, our conversation was nothing like the first ones I had with the boy and I was miserable. The whole time I felt like I was cheating on him, wishing that the time would come and I could jump up, run to my car and get home.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I am not ready to move forward. I wish it were easy for me like it seems to be for the boy. I know my friends are wishing that I could just be swept off my feet only so they didn’t have to deal with pissy ole me.

As you get older, dating becomes tougher. I used to have a blast dating, meeting new people but I have become a stick in the mud. I have my routine and I like it thank you very much. Then you realize that everyone you know is married, building their families and here you are, sitting in your place, watching tv, deciding between eating ceral for dinner or actually cooking.

Life is a bit messy at this point, I am constantly battling between my heart and what it feels and my pride; because let’s face it, I am the one who messed everything up. I was told the other day by someone that I must miss the relationship, not the boy. I can say this, I have been alone before and while that is not on the top of my to do list, I can deal with it. I miss the boy. I miss what he brought to my life, he opened my eyes to new things and he drove me a bit crazy when it came to watching tv but I miss it all. The good and the bad, I miss it. And damn it, I watched a Gangland marathon Sunday morning, seriously? Oh yes I did but I was waiting for our favorite character to show up but he didn’t in any of the ones I watched.

An Encouraging Text Message

“Meditating on all of our faults and failures weakens us, but meditating on God’s grace and willingness to forgive strengthens us.”

My wonderful friend Chris, from work, sent this text message to me last week. I have been feeling more down lately and had been sharing with her my struggles. In fact, she really needs a raise for all the tears she has had to endure these past few months.

I am that person, the one who dwells on her failures and mistakes. I don’t know if it is just in my personality or a learned behavior but it is one that can tear you apart, bit by bit. I try to find the good in my day but seem to fail at that, not really knowing how to move one foot in front of the other. This is a text message that I want to post everywhere, my apartment, my cubicle and my car, in the hopes of seeing it all of the time, will help me focus on the good instead of the bad.

I just keep hoping and praying that one of these days I can make it through a 24 hour span without busting out into tears or focusing on the bad. It’s a goal.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince~A Review

Let me preface this first by saying the movies will never quite do the justice of the books, so I tend to view them separately.

Naturally, lots of details were cut out for the movie, some do not matter as much but others can make the flow of the movie fall flat or leave those who read the books, leave the theater scratching their heads wondering how the producer will make it work in the next movie.

I feel like they keep changing up the sets, updating them with each movie. This was somewhat understandable when there was a change of director, but David Yates is directing this one, he directed Order of the Phoenix and he is working on the last two. So I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the change of sets every single movie.

The acting from the three main characters have consistently gotten better with each film and the fact that the HP series casts some the of the best and brightest British actors makes it worthwhile. HBP managed to work in the love lives of the students at Hogwarts and gave it the youthful, funny at times and terribly uncomfortable at others that anyone who has been that age smiles at the memories while thanking their lucky stars they aren’t teenagers anymore.

I was bothered by the addition of scenes that were not in the book, the Weasley’s home being attacked didn’t add to the story and I would have preferred to leave the high flying danger and fight scene at the end instead. We were also told early in the film the means that Draco Malfoy would use to go after Dumbledore. They also left out the critical Fluer/Bill storyline that will become problematic (at least to me) that provides for the backdrop at the beginning of Deathly Hallows.

I also was dismayed to see that only a few scenes with the Pensive, with Dumbledore paving the way for Harry in the final book with this history not being completely explained. The death of Aragog was used but it was almost like an afterthought and again, the movie does not do the book justice.

The cave scene, where Dumbledore and Harry go to retrieve the locket that had the horcrux was a bit off. The inferi were not like I had imagined and I could have used a little more meat to the drinking scene where Dumbledore cries, begs not to be made to drink anymore of the potion. I was on the edge of my seat though because I thought the big fight scene would be coming up. Alas, that did not happen. It left me wanting for more in terms of the drama, the connection of Dumbledore to Harry, etc. It was touching to see Snape being forced to please kill Dumbledore and the music and effects when Dumbledore falls off the tower was touching. I cried big, fat sobbing tears.

Overall, I did enjoy the movie but as with all HP films, I need to see it again (and many times over on DVD) to be able to fully enjoy the film and accept that sometimes, JK Rowling’s writing is just too much in terms of making a film. And one final note, I love Luna Lovegood! The actress is brilliant and brings that oddball we all knew in school to life.

Feeling A Bit Better

I tend to be a gluten for punishment. I can’t help it. I am quite stubborn you know. After learning the hard way that the boy was back on the dating market, I was devastated to say the least. But when I woke up this morning, I was mad. As in, I gave the relationship my all and he didn’t see it or he just didn’t appreciate it. Kind of sucks but I guess that is why you kiss frogs, in hopes that one just might be your prince. And while I am still upset over the things that happened, I can say without a doubt that he was a nice guy, it just didn’t fit like I wanted to.

Which brings me to my next step, dating. AGAIN. I have gone back to the site that at least matched me with someone that I have tons of things in common with and trying it all over again. Will it work this time? I don’t know but I do know (and here comes the ultimate “that is such a chick thing to say”) that time is not on my side. Meaning that at 35, if I want kids, taking a couple years off to heal, learn from past mistakes. . .well that doesn’t work out in my mathematical world.

I still do the what ifs, my stomach stays in knots but if I don’t leap now, I probably won’t. Why? Well, let’s just say, sitting in my apartment and going to work gets kind of comfy. And when that happens, trying to even get me out for drinks and dinner is harder than leading a horse to water.

I don’t know what the future holds but I have to start feeling better before I really do become the crazy cat lady.

Done

It amazes me how I always pick the wrong guy. The boy was a perfect match from eHarmony. The only problem was that while the site promoted committed, marriage and happily ever after. . .the boy didn’t want that. He’s back on there now and the lowest of lows, defriended me on Facebook. Seriously?

I feel like such a fool, a loser. Someone who is destined to be the nicest, most supportive girlfriend but at the end of the day, umm, not so fast Amy. The ultimate commitment is not to be found and it breaks my heart. What did I ever do to deserve this? Even with the weight loss, I still feel like fat Amy, unable to find the guy that will love me for me, take care of me and be honest with me.

My stomach is beyond torn up and the thought of putting on a happy face is so difficult. I don’t want to get my heart broken again, I am barely making it day to day. And the cherry on the top? Our second date was at Chappy’s and where am I going tomorrow for a work lunch? Chappy’s.

Yeah, my stomach is really going to be thanking me for that one tomorrow. I just want to disappear in a hole and when I reemerge that everything will be better.

I love the boy and now I am questioning if he ever loved me. Thanks. I appreciate it and feel even worse.

Running and the Invitable Onslaught of Thoughts

I have to give myself some props, I have actually managed to run a portion of my 2 1/2 mile walk without wanting to collaspe. This is quite a milestone for me because I hate to run, my joints remind me why I don’t run and oh, yeah, I HATE to run. But pushing myself, driving myself to the edge is something that I do best when I am upset.

And while my IPod is playing some of my favorite songs, songs that become the soundtrack to my life, I go into that dark space. The space that says I am a loser, no one wants to be with me and God forbid if the thought of being in a happy, committed relationship comes across my mind. I must be damaged in a way that even I can’t see and I wish that I could because maybe I could fix it.

I am not clingy, nor bossy. I tend to keep hurt feelings to myself or feel the need to throwup while trying to share those hurt feelings with others. I may never get it or understand why me, little ole goofy me, can’t find someone that can just love me unconditionally. Apparently the joke I used to share about being a disaster is quite true and who really wants to step into that mess?

I have one friend who has offered to set me up on blind dates. . . umm, think I will pass on that one. Part of it is, I hate to date but the biggest reason is my heart still belongs to someone else. I wish I could get it back, kind of like the stuff I left there, forgot to get and now they are probably in the trash bin.

And the final thought I had as I was finishing up my little exercise routine yesterday morning, I don’t want to trust anyone else, again. While I may seem like this big, fluffy puppy dog, ready to jump on you and love you, I am quite a mess on the inside. So scared to go forward but terified to be left behind. I am terribly insecure and letting myself believe that someone loved me and then proves that umm, not really, leaves me in a puddle of tears. And the only way to make myself feel better is to push my muscles to the extreme, exercise like it is going out of style and worrying about every little bity thing I put in my mouth.

I may feel like crap on the inside but at least I can be skinny again. . .