I kind of figured this would happen. I was hurt, upset and bound to do something rash. . .and then I realized before I even walked out the door that I wasn’t ready to date again. At least new guys.
I met up with a match for coffee but as I was getting ready I started crying. He wasn’t the boy. There were no butterflies, our conversation was nothing like the first ones I had with the boy and I was miserable. The whole time I felt like I was cheating on him, wishing that the time would come and I could jump up, run to my car and get home.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I am not ready to move forward. I wish it were easy for me like it seems to be for the boy. I know my friends are wishing that I could just be swept off my feet only so they didn’t have to deal with pissy ole me.
As you get older, dating becomes tougher. I used to have a blast dating, meeting new people but I have become a stick in the mud. I have my routine and I like it thank you very much. Then you realize that everyone you know is married, building their families and here you are, sitting in your place, watching tv, deciding between eating ceral for dinner or actually cooking.
Life is a bit messy at this point, I am constantly battling between my heart and what it feels and my pride; because let’s face it, I am the one who messed everything up. I was told the other day by someone that I must miss the relationship, not the boy. I can say this, I have been alone before and while that is not on the top of my to do list, I can deal with it. I miss the boy. I miss what he brought to my life, he opened my eyes to new things and he drove me a bit crazy when it came to watching tv but I miss it all. The good and the bad, I miss it. And damn it, I watched a Gangland marathon Sunday morning, seriously? Oh yes I did but I was waiting for our favorite character to show up but he didn’t in any of the ones I watched.
Stumbling Through Life 