This past week has been a blur, actually I don’t even know if I can call it that. Monday was one of the longest days ending with a date with my toilet. I was hungry and jello did nothing for the hunger pains I felt. I focused on getting through the day at the office and coming home to drink what has to be the vilest drink ever created.
Tuesday was my date with my doctor to evict Charlie (aka the mean fibroid) and one of my wonderful friends came with me on this little journey. I think I talked about food non-stop until they put the Verced (valium’s cousin) in and after that, well I don’t remember anything. In fact, if anyone wants any details on my surgery, you would have to ask Amy, she talked to my doctor, asked questions and conveyed the details to family and friends. I have pictures too! Of course I can’t really explain them since I really don’t have a clue. I did learn that Charlie had a friend, Dexter, who was kicked out as well as a random staple from a gallbladder surgery six years ago on my right ovary. I can point that picture out for you if you would like to see that one.
In fact, it has only been in the past couple of days that I can actually string words together and they make sense to anyone besides myself. I have been avoiding the phone most of the time, staring at the television, napping and pushing myself to hard. I have been taken out once by another wonderful friend and halfway through our little trip she could tell I was fading fast. Then I opted to hit Target yesterday, felt moments of weakness while in the store and stopped off to visit friends. Then back home for a nap.
In all of this, the one thing I was counting on (naive, stupid, foolish, insert whatever adjective you would like) the boy to check in on me. He knew about the surgery but not once did he check in to see if I was okay. It was a sign that I had been begging God for for quite some time.
Loving someone is something very special and should be treated as such but sometimes, that love is not returned. The reasons can be endless but sometimes they are as simple as the person just didn’t have the capability to love the depth and breadth that the other person has given them. I cried tonight for the first time in quite some time about this, all the while holding my bloated belly to minimize the pain.
I now have to listen to my friends and understand that they saw the boy in a light that I could not see him in and accept that I did my best. While I am healing from surgery, I will also be mending my heart. All I can say to anyone out there dating, if you talk of a future, marriage, children or even utter I love you, please mean it with all of your heart. This is not a game, being in a relationship is special and it is not about what you drive, the labels you wear or the college you went to; it is about growing with someone, sharing yourself with someone and accepting the good, bad and ugly. It is also about being honest with yourself. When you hide aspects of your life, it becomes more difficult to maneuver around the longer you date one person. I was willing to share everything yet you ducked and ran for cover. I hope that all of this time has allowed you to heal but I suspect you started your cycle again with another and hopefully she won’t ask questions.
I asked, I got; now to move forward.