There is this movie, Dance Til Dawn, that was on tv in the 80s; Christina Applegate was in it and all I ever remembered about it was her planning it. It was all about the color puce! So, as any great dork would do, I looked it up on IMDB in order to remember the name and then voila, I hit up YouTube. The cool thing is, the movie is on there, well broken up into 11 parts but hey, I have time on my hands, so I watched it tonight.
It took me back to my younger years and yes, even though I am a dork, I went to prom. Actually, I went to quite a few. . .my junior year, twice my senior year (with a guy who went to my rival high school) and then as luck would have it, one of the guys I hung out with at church camp, I went to his senior prom when I was a freshman in college.
I loved my dress for senior year, black, short with a white ruffle off the shoulder. I think it would still fit in today if I had it and had somewhere to where it. . .my senior year boyfriend was great but alas he dumped me for greener pastures the day I graduated from high school. Yep, that is how I remember graduation. Nice timing huh?
But as with all things in my life, I have learned that sometimes great things happen to you and then other times, crappy things happen to you. I guess that is what life is all about. Especially when you learn to deal with those bad things. I wish I could say that I held my head up and was the picture of grace, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have those coping skills just yet but as that memory faded into a distant memory, I learned that getting serious with a boy at 18 might have been the downfall for me.
I can get worked up over the fact that I am not married and having babies at 35 but then again had I settled down with a boy back then or even in my early 20s; whose to say that I would have met some of the people I know now. Nor would I have experienced some of the things that I can say with a big smile that I have done so far.
I pray nightly that God will lead me to the right man but I know that even in times of begging and despair I have to accept that all of this is on his terms. I can’t push him to make it happen I just have to trust. I trust him but man, the waiting is what kills me. Sometimes I feel like my life is going 100 MPH and then other times I feel like I am sitting still in a traffic jam on 440 at rush hour in the rain, when it looks like I will never make it to my destination.
I went back to the doctor today. He was very pleased with the outcome of the surgery. He told me to get out there, find a boyfriend and have babies (well, I will assume that the good doc wants me to get married first). The thing that struck me though was his kindness. That he wants me out there to have those babies. And if I remember, to have my doctor take a picture of my uterus each time I have a C Section since that will be the only way I can have them safely. I am cool with that! Now I just need to get out there.
I didn’t say it was going to be easy for me though. I still miss the boy, still think of him daily and he is still there in my heart; with my hope that he might get struck by lighting or a light bulb goes off and he realizes that we are meant to be. Now I won’t be holding my breath but sometimes, well, sometimes it is just nice to have that little bit of hope sitting there, looking at me. I am realistic though and understand that he has moved forward, doing the dance he knows so well.
I am just going to keep plugging along. Hoping that one day, the right man will see me and all that I have to offer and will snap me up. A girl has to have dreams you know. . .
Stumbling Through Life 