A line from a song; one that I just discovered on ITunes by Kelly Clarkson. Sure, the song is part of the mainstream pop music, off the latest disc from the first American Idol winner that dropped, umm, a while ago. Yeah, so not hip anymore when it comes to music.
But the song got me thinking. About dealing with a broken heart. Dealing with disappointment. Dealing with failure. There are times in one’s life where it seems like all hope is lost. And dear readers, that is where I am at. At a loss, begging and crying at times, asking, is it over yet?
Love is one of those things that when you are younger, well, you just think it happens and off you go, into the sunset with your special someone. And I blew through quite a few guys when I was younger, taking for granted that finding someone of the opposite sex would actually find me interesting.
I got lucky the first time around on eHarmony. I met one guy who was prissier than me and then I met the boy. I wasn’t ready to go back to the well but I did in haste last month. I think it was more of a reaction to an action of being deeply hurt. I stupidly thought that maybe the boy, in not talking to me, healing was his choice of word, that he wasn’t going to jump back into the dating pool. But I was wrong and I jumped back in just to, well spite him. No, I didn’t tell him, I really didn’t tell a lot of people. I just did it, not thinking that this wasn’t the best thing to do at that point and time.
The guys I met were nice but had no interest in taking it any further than the first meeting. A great way to stroke my ego. In fact, it has almost solidified my belief that I am hopeless in the world of love and quite frankly, I am the buddy for guys, not the lover.
Like the song, Cry, I try to put on a brave face. I simply say we went our separate ways, that we wanted different things. But when you get to the heart of the matter, well. . .here comes the corny:
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
So yeah, I see my coworkers look at me and I try to be a okay about the choices that I have made but honestly, I screwed up, on a lot of things. This isn’t just about the boy, I have gone down so many wrong paths I don’t know how to get back to where I started. I always try to prove that I don’t need anyone in my life, that I can handle anything that is thrown at me. Then I crumble when I get home. Doesn’t anyone see how hard this is? Does anyone get that while I can stand there and scream that I got this; I really don’t.
I had so many dreams and the older you get, the harder it is to go after them. At some point I guess we all have to grow up and move forward. I am doing a dreadful job at it but as Freddie Mercury said,
The show must go on. . .