Downsizing anything in life can be difficult but this past spring, in an effort to cut my housing costs, I went back into a one bedroom apartment. With this decision, came the cutting of a dining area and gaining a garage that I should be using for my car but at the moment it has all of my Christmas decorations, table and a few items that I could not fit into my new, smaller home. Oh well, I can just sell the bulk and drag the boxes of decorations to my place and store in my patio closet.
Good plans but have I done that yet? Umm, no. Great intentions plus hot weather plus surgery equals lack of motivation to get the ball rolling. But, as I was sitting on my deck (right next to the pool, good move actually) last night I could feel the chill in the air. Sure I was shivering and wiser people would have either thrown a sweater on or gone inside but I adore sitting on my deck, reading websites or writing.
While I love summer for the warmth of the sun and the time spent by the pool I LOVE fall. The crisp leaves falling to the ground, the wonderful clothing that hides my thighs and football. I don’t know when I became such a fan of fall but it has to be one of my favorite times of year.
Gearing up for fantasy football, gathering with friends to keep up with our teams, the soups (OMG! the soups!) and watching more and more football; sigh, such heartwarming times. Of course I will miss tailgating this year, something I did for the first time last year. I forgot how nice it was to have a Jack and diet on a crisp fall morning. Sure, I could do that here but that seems a little sad and drinking alone has never been my thing.
Of course, being such a fanatic about food, I have earmarked a few recipes from Julia to make once it really starts getting chilly. And my love of Starbucks will change from iced mochas to hot ones and that wonderful day when I hit Starbucks to see. . . the holiday cups. Yes, I am a dork and when I see those cups all lined up ready to be handed out to the sheep that all go with me to pay for overpriced coffees. Sigh. . .
But this afternoon as I was heading out from work, I could smell it in the air. With the windows rolled down I headed home with a smile on my face. One that isn’t there too terribly often these past few months. This was also the time that I realized how I felt about the boy. Knowing that I was falling in love with him and finally telling him after working one of the longest days of my life, it makes me smile.
I was facing the night before my first big event that I had planned on my own, devising a charity event in conjunction with honoring our clients. It was such a huge task to take on and I took such a huge leap of faith that I would pull it off and my boss would be proud of the work. After going to Michael’s for what seems to be the hundredth time in three weeks I stopped by the boy’s home. I was never one to call, call and call when he didn’t answer but I felt led to utter those words to him, that night. Exhausted, heart racing to the point I thought a panic attack would come on and scared I let myself in. He was on the phone but ushered me in with a smile. Surprised and happy to see me since I was all over the place the week leading up to the party.
After he got off the phone, which I made him go to the other part of his home to finish. He paces when he talks and it was making me even more nervous. We stepped out on his deck (I must have a thing for decks) to chat. I could feel my heart in my throat and finally said, umm, I need to tell you something. He thought this was bad. I said no, just let me get it out. After saying it in my head a million times I so blundered the whole thing, saying I didn’t need a response, it was just how I was feeling. And when I was looking at my feet, I said, “I love you.” Then thought about throwing up. I have never just put it out there and this scared me because I loved him, well I still do but hey, I screwed the pooch on that one.
He took me into his arms and hugged me. Overwhelmed with my declaration of love. . . to my feet. It was sweet and we share a very sweet evening until I finally stopped shaking. Then I went home because hey, I have this HUGE event tomorrow and OMG! I am scared shitless that I am going to FAIL!
The next evening went off with only a few minor hiccups. The boy came, I beamed with him there and then he had to go home to prepare for an interview trip the following day. I called him when I got home, we talked for a few minutes and then he said. . .
Hey, Amy. . .I love you.
It was the sweetest words I have ever heard, in the sweetest voice and I whispered, Really?
Yep, for all of the nerves, it came off without a hitch. I was so thrilled that the boy I fell in love with loved me too.
And sure, those memories, those days will be coming up sooner than I am ready for and this year I will be without him. It makes me sad but he added something to fall last year. Actually, he added a whole lot to my life while we were together.
I can smell fall and dearly wish that I could hear him say those words to me again. I wish I could have a do over but in life, you don’t get do overs. And if you do, I need to find out how you get them.
Stumbling Through Life 