It has been raining here, all week and while I do love seeing the rain, I enjoy it more when I can be at home, on the couch hitting those sleepy pockets in between reading and watching tv. Being in the office, yawning and wondering when it is bedtime is well. . .not ideal to say the least.
After another really long day in the office I realized that tomorrow is Friday!!! Yipee! I am going to enjoy the weekend full of those lazy naps, watching bad tv and some football. I am also going to try and clean the rest of my place. The nice thing is last Sunday I got the urge to clean and managed to pick up all of my clothes that were, let’s say, stratigically placed throughout my little home. I got everything on hangers, organized my closet and actually put things up that had not made it to their rightful home since I had moved. Did I mention that cleaning isn’t my strong suit? Umm, yeah, I can’t help it and since it is just me and the cat than really who cares right?
I have also been teased at work about a little crush I have on a guy who works in the same bulding. Will it go anywhere? Doubtful, I am so not forward and having yet learned had to say goodbye (at least in my heart) to the boy makes me fearful of starting over, yet again. So while it is nice to blush, no let me rephrase that, to turn blood red when this guy crosses my path and my friends tease me about it is very scary for me.
The thought of closing the door on the boy is very hard, I think of him often and sometimes think, maybe, just maybe he will come up on his white horse and say that he can’t stand being away from me and that no matter what, he wants to work things out. Dreaming yes, hell freezing over, that is an even better discription of it.
Friends are having babies left, right and center and here I sit wondering will it ever happen for me? I am great with kids, love them but is it written in God’s story book for me? I have doubts about that and try to strong in terms of trusting Him and knowing that He has everything planned for me and that it will all be a okay.
Work has been stressful and tiring and well, these are the times that I really could use the boy in my life, to talk to him about it. I used to listen to him anout his job, his worries and just be there for him. I often wonder if we were still together if he would have done the same. I like to think so, I like to think that he would sit there, let me vent, smile and say it is all going to work out. I like to think that I could have called him after work tonight and just whisper, I need you, come hold me and he would rush over because if that was what I needed, he would give it to me.
My friends are some of the greatest people I know and I know that when times get tough, they are here for me. But sometimes, just having that special someone that will be there, to say the right things and just hold you are what you need more than anything else.
I am conflicted yet know that it is over but why am I having such a tough time letting go? He let go a long time ago and it breaks my heart. Why do I keep repeating my mistakes? And when will I get my chance to have a happy ending with the person I love and want to be with for the rest of my life? I just want answers.
Stumbling Through Life 