Month: October 2009

Our party at work. I was Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) from Saturday Night Live.

 

Some friends and I, the Blues Brothers and Rosanne Rosannadanna

 

I just got finished cleaning my place. Now, it is small but you have to understand. I hate to clean and it takes me forever and I have clutter so it takes a small miracle for me to get motivated. My motivation this time was partly to attempt to get everything ready for when the holidays get here. I think I might have a place for the tree but it is going to be cramped. The other motivation, Wookie has gone on a binge and purge spree as of late. I am so tired of cleaning up cat puke.

So, everything has been dusted, vacuumed and even mopped. Of course, give it the weekend and it will probably look like crap again. I really could use a housekeeper. Those skills just aren’t there for me . . .even getting the laundry done is a challenge. Cooking though? Please, request what you want and I will have dinner ready this evening.

As I was cleaning, I came across things that reminded me of the boy. Of course it doesn’t help when the movie based on the book (Blind Side) about Michael Oher is coming out in a few short weeks. That would have been a great date night. And apparently my hormones are raging because everytime that silly commercial is on I bawl.

My time off has been okay, I could have used some time to just be a bum but I always put off cleaning to the last minute. At least I can spend the rest of the afternoon lazing about. Or at least try. . .I still need to return Stacey’s vacuum cleaner, drop some stuff off at Goodwill and get a script filled. I guess I will get cleaned up first since I look like a ragamuffin. And nobody likes to see a ragamuffin running about.

And that is how I feel right about now. . . except instead of waiting on my food bowl I am that loser waiting on the boy.

This is way too funny not to post. I saw this on a few sites and had to giggle. Really? I used to think Brad Pitt was cute and I loved his movies. Now? Well since he hooked up with Angelina I kind of lost that feeling. There is just something about them and how they got together that makes me not like either of them. Sure I don’t know them personally but would I want to hang with them for a night out? Nope.

But this picture is priceless. I love tattoos but this one? I know that some guys love them on girls but me as a female looking at a guy with one of these? Not so appealing.

A friend of mine has a little dog, Elly, that I keep from time to time. I love her and so does my cat! We have known each other since college and he is just as funny now as he was then. Our common ground? The fraternity that he belonged to and the guy I dated who was a member. I spent many a night out there drinking at the house. Fun times, not great for the GPA but I had a ball.

We have chatted about the old days as he has dropped off Elly or picked her up but other than that we haven’t spent any time around each other. He has always been gracious and wanted to repay me for keeping Elly. To me, it was no big deal to keep her. She likes to snuggle, run around the apartment and sleep.

So tonight I met up with him for a drink and dinner. And I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. The stories from college are still funny. His first toga party ended up with him wearing his toga to class the next day. The cruise that my ex and some of the guys went on during their first year in college, OMG! those were beyond funny and some I hadn’t even heard of before.

Parts of college were rough for me. I was struggling with insecurities and lack of money and then the drama of being with the ex but those guys were always great to me. It was a fun place to go and the memories and friends will always bring a smile to my face.

Homecoming was this past weekend and I am kicking myself for not going. They tailgate now and from what I have heard, my little alma mater  actually is starting to look like a real college on game day. I opted not to go because, well, I didn’t want to go alone. Even though I would be among friends once I got there, I felt like I would be the goober that would be there alone.

But sitting with an old friend, laughing about college and all the parties that we went to, that is priceless.

Update: Well, the gravy needs a bit of help. But then again, I have never been a gravy type of person, so I will have to practice my gravy making skills a bit more to make it just right. The pork, delicious! The veggies? Yummy! Now all I have to sit here and think about is why I can’t find a mate for my life? I mean, I can cook! I thought that was the way to a man’s heart? And while I am on that thought, several people that I know have jumped from man to man to man. No problems whatsoever. . .they even get engaged and have babies! Me, I couldn’t pay for a date, let alone a relationship if my life depended upon it. Help a girl out! Where can I find a nice, considerate, willing to do some of the things I want to do, watches football and likes gutter humor?????? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

 

Cooking is probably one of my favorite things to do. Being able to create something by cutting up some carrots, onions and garlic and throwing in some spices, wine and broth really brings a smile to my face. Especially when my apartment begins to smell like all of that goodness as it is cooking.

I have gotten more comfortable cooking with wine as of late and I will say it adds so much to a dish. The biggest challenge is going to be when I pull the pork roast out later and make gravy with the wine, broth and the juicy goodness of the roast. I remember watching the boy do this by mixing flour and butter together, then putting it in with the liquid but I haven’t done it on my own yet, so fingers crossed that I will be able to manage it.

I will be making my yummy, too good to be true, everybody loves them mashed potatoes. Nothing says yummy like a stick of butter, milk and so taters. Add to that blanched green beans with a little drizzle of lemon and I will be patting my belly and sighing after eating tonight. Of course, one of the issues I am going to have is, I had a really late lunch; so not sure if I will be eating any of this tonight.

With all of this cooking, I am reminded that I really need to take a walk this evening to keep up my exercise routine. I know I need to but I am kind of tired. Not sure why though. I have had an easy kind of day. Went to the chiropractor this morning for some more ultrasound therapy for my lower back. I don’t really care for all the cracking and popping since one needs to be completely relaxed and I’ll be honest, the past six or so months have not been so relaxing. I am kind of tense most of the time.

I also ran some errands, borrowed my friend’s vacuum cleaner and took a nap. Tomorrow’s schedule is a bit better. I have an appointment at the dermatologist in the morning to deal with some  moles (fun times) and then I will be back home to clean, nap and possibly think of something to make for Halloween (office party).

I also am in need of some sort of home makeover, i.e., move my furniture around in order to make room for my Christmas tree come Thanksgiving. I have a few thoughts about how to rearrange but until I start moving everything around I won’t really know what works. Plus, I have this great oversized chair that I never get to take advantage of since it is sitting right next to the tv. I would love to get things arranged so I can take up residence there!

So my time off is kind of boring but I am enjoying it and would love to be able to take more time off but I will take what I can get. And if this time allows me to do more cooking, that will make me just as happy.

Wow, I guess I was really worn out from the week’s activities! I napped a ton yesterday, with football playing in the background. My night out didn’t happen and we are hoping (fingers and toes crossed) that this coming Saturday will work out better. I know Amy and I both need a night out to let our hair down and just giggle, gossip and people watch.

Today I met up with Amy and Braden. And every time I with Amy and her son, I crack up at what a flirt he is. We went for a walk at Radnor Lake and Mr. B said hello to everyone. I even got a couple of kisses blown to me from the cute little guy. After a lunch date with them, I went to the mall to pick up my face soap and browse a bit. Oh I wish I had money! I found several things that I would love to buy but that will be for another time.

I stopped by Stacey’s to say hi and check on her and the baby. Since this isn’t my story to tell, I will simply ask for prayers for Stacey, her husband and baby L. They received some news this past week at their weekly ultrasound appointment that was not so positive and confusing. Please pray that Baby L will make it to term and be born healthy, happy and full of trouble making nonsense that will make his mama and daddy giddy.

Stace and I also chatted about my bad luck with men and of course the boy. I cried a bit, which seems to be the status quo as of late. I ran to the grocery and picked up a pork roast and plan on cooking it up while I am off. As well as the good intention of cleaning my place up. We will see how well those plans work out. Part of me just wants to take the whole week off but I know I have a ton on my desk and need to go back on Thursday. At least it will be a short week and then I can do the countdown to Thanksgiving break.

I came home, read a bit and napped (I really love to nap), talked to mom and then got a call from Eliot. He is a follower of Kiss (don’t ask, I don’t) and he will be in Atlanta tomorrow night for the show. He should have come up here for the show on Wednesday because then we could have hung out. Well, before he put the makeup on (yep, he is one of those people). Finally, we got off the phone and I am contemplating going to bed.

At least I can sleep in tomorrow. . . well I have a few things to do but sleeping until 8 or so will be okay. Now I am kind of kicking myself for making appointments for tomorrow and Tuesday. Being a hermit would have been a great thing! I also got an email from a friend needing my dog sitting services for this weekend. Miss Elly will be here for the weekend, so I will be preparing the Wookster for our impending guest. I am also meeting up with Elly’s dad for a drink Tuesday since he wanted to repay my kindness for keeping her (doesn’t he know that keeping her is a lot of fun and I could care less about payment?!).

So this weekend has been spent napping, running errands, napping, hanging with some friends and napping. Aww, the good life! Now off to bedfordshire!

I would say vacation but since there is no money in the vacation pot, a break I will take. I was happily surprised earlier this month when I was picked as a Team Member of the Month. With this little nod to my helpfulness with another department I earned a 3 o’clock Friday. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to take advantage of this little perk until today. But it was all for a good cause, so working all the hours I did the past two weeks made me look really forward to taking this and a bit more!

I am also taking the first part of the week off next week to just sit, relax and try to catch up on my sleep. Throw in a couple of doctors appointments and I am sure that the time will fly by quickly but hey, at least it isn’t me having surgery and being cooped up in my apartment.

The event went off with only a minor hitch. Somehow the fire alarm was tripped during the event. No harm, no foul but still, I was mortified and running in three inch heels trying to get everyone to leave the buffet and the bars to get outside. Seriously? They wouldn’t leave. But we raised some decent money and had offers of auction donations for next year! That made me smile.

With the end of the event, packing up everything and then trying with all of my might to get everything home I finally broke down. I was talking to a friend that had met me at my place after to help me carry a few things in/out and to the trash. I started to cry and in true form, all he said was, it’s just in your head Amy. Well, he isn’t the greatest when it comes to emotions and love so I laughed it off until I could come in and cry by myself.

I also decided that after having my hair done up for the event that I would sleep with it like that so I could get one more day out of it. It is beautiful and let’s face it, my hair is very fine so it never looks like I have a lot, but when Heather does this to my hair? It makes me look like I have a lot!

Here it is–

The Amys smooching on our wonderful coworker J! He is a doll and my lunch buddy. If you need to know about a meat and three in Nashville, he knows all about it.

And this year the decorating went off without a hitch, thanks in no small part to some wonderful coworkers who really stepped up, ignored my anal retentive, control freak ways and helped out. Making me feel like setting up was a breeze. I could not have asked for a better team. Of course, poor Amy is stuck with me again next year! She has already been asked to help me out again and girlfriend was on vacation this week and was there for me anyway.

A few more after we setup, I was going for bright, simple and fun. I hope it comes across in the pictures. And forgive me, these are not edited and I had fun using the angles instead of just boring strait forward camera angles.

It was a great evening. The only thing missing? The boy. . .

I am going to relish the time off although on my way home I remembered that I have a report that was should have been completed today, so I will have to pop in and grab my laptop this weekend so I can get it done but oh well. Things happen. The fact that I get to sleep in for five glorious days will make up for it.

And some football will be on the agenda. And a night out with Amy so we can hang, laugh and just be silly. Something that we both need!

I am working on my annual work event. It’s for charity and I am loving every minute of it. Well. . .except for that huge pink elephant in the room. Last year was a banner year for me. I met the boy, fell in love and even plucked up the courage to tell him so.

This year, as I started to prepare for the event I was jolted by those memories. I have always been bad at communicating with the one I love. Mainly it is the stuff that might be bothering me and then there is that fear. You know the kind of fear that can make your stomach jump through throat and make a made dash to the nearest bathroom. Of course, then there is the fear of sharing with that person how you feel. Rejection is not on the top of anyone’s list, so just putting it out there and it not being returned would be the ultimate rejection. Scary times.

As my event date has drawn near, I began to get flashbacks about what I was doing this time last year. I knew that it would be hard but this has to be one of the hardest things I have ever confronted.

I told the boy I loved him the night before my event last year (22nd). I told him while shaking in my shoes and then grabbing his whiskey for a quick shot in hops that my shaking would stop. I had told him not to respond. That this wasn’t about hearing those words from him, it was about me saying my feelings for him outloud. The next night he told me that he loved me. The over the moon happiness that I felt was and still is indescribable.

Today was day three of a headache I cannot get rid of. Part of it is stress, part of it is reliving those memories and being terribly sad by how things worked out. A coworker stopped to chat with me this morning and I finally said it outloud. I started crying and couldn’t believe that I was still this torn up about the decision that I made.  The one that I made that I thought was the right decision. Hindsight? I totally blew it.

If I could bare to contact him, I would. But his mind is made up. I have to get through this week, I have to be strong and I have to understand that I made this mess. I wish he would open back up to me. I wish that he felt the same way still. I wish that maybe, just maybe he remembers this milestone in our relationship. I have a lot wishes don’t I?

The memory is still so fresh, so sweet and at the same time bittersweet.

Finally, I finally got my butt off the couch today and I walked two miles. It’s one of my normal walks that takes me down the road from where I live and loop back. It was chilly but not too bad. In fact, a short sleeved shirt under my jacket would have worked instead of the long sleeved one but I decided to keep walking as opposed to turning back and giving myself an out.

I listened to my Ipod and could have kicked myself for not bringing the arm band holder home from work. I filled it with mostly 80s tunes and used that as my escape. The thoughts are always there, the questions, the regrets, the mistakes that I have made but I kept on walking. Letting myself get lost in the thoughts and the what might have beens.

It’s funny how a simple walk, listening to music can accomplish a brief moment of peacefulness. I don’t have any answers nor did a bright light pop on leading me in a different direction but I didn’t feel as hopeless as I have been. There are plenty of wishes and begging on my part but I get it. I can’t force life to happen to me. I have to move forward. And as it will be for a long time to come, two steps forward and about 100 back but that is what my life is like now.

I listened to each song, to the words, to the meaning of each and it allowed me to just be in the moment. I listened to Poison’s Every Rose Has It’s Thorn and yes, I am well aware that it is a hair band from the 80s but I love that music and will embrace it, even if others look at me like I am a strange bird. The song was written by Brett Michaels (thank you Behind the Music for this next tidbit) about his love for a girlfriend that had since left. Michaels said in an interview that as the band’s career was taking off, his love life was falling apart. He didn’t really write this for the band or for a hit, it was his pain at the loss of this love. But it did turn into a hit and I have always loved it but today, it brought a deeper meaning to it.

I know that I need to take care of me, that I need to create goals and meet them. I was raised to know that I needed to count on me and no one else. I understand now that while it is a great concept and I will continue with that thought I also need to show anyone in my life that I will ask for help when needed. I also need to show my love for them and to be honest with them when I am upset about something.

I learned most of that from the boy. I should have spoke up more. As my friend Amy says, I am not all that demanding when it comes to having a boyfriend in my life. I don’t demand that we go and do something that I want to do. I ask and when it is shrugged off, I don’t push. I learned that one from an ex who constantly told me that I was selfish and too needy. He said a lot of horrible things to me, things that were nowhere near the truth. So I took what I learned from that and decided not to be too demanding. Unfortunately I took those opinions too literally and never pushed. George tried to say that too me about a month before he dumped me. I am slow to get the hint.

So from someone who has yet to get it right in a relationship and basically screws up everyone I am ever in, please listen to your mate. Offer support, be willing to grin and nod when he/she asks to do something you might not like to do. And if something is bothering you, tell them. Communicating is the key. I was always afraid to do that. It maybe too late for me but take my advice and run with it. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even though it breaks my heart that the boy has erased me from his life and would never for even on second consider coming back, I hope that he has found someone that will love him like I do, to listen to him, to be supportive and to even cheer on his beloved football team. I know I still do.

This past week has been trying. I feel like I am walking a very slow pace while time is running by like it just had a shot of Red Bull. And it isn’t pretty.

A coworker loaned me a book this week. The Purpose Driven Life. I have been instructed to read it daily, one chapter at a time. That is hard for me to do. I am that person that reads a book from cover to cover in a day and a half.

But Chapter One has proved to be bigger than me. Because it isn’t about me. It is about our purpose, God’s plan that was designed way before I ever came into this world. It got me thinking though.

As I visited a local charity this past week, the point was driven in a harder than I was expecting. Along with a charity drive at work that had me in tears when I got back to my desk. People have it worse than me. I know that, have always known that but the reality is, we all tend to focus on what is wrong in our lives instead of be grateful for what we have.

Sure, I don’t have a spouse or a house nor do I have one of those high paying fab jobs. But I do have a job, one that I enjoy. I can pay the bills and sometimes even splurge on some great new clothes. I wish I could donate money to all the charities but instead I should just push myself to volunteer my time.

I have read numerous blogs that discuss their struggles. Struggling to get pregnant, struggling to bring their sick baby home or worse, having to bury their child, loss of jobs, homes, etc. These women handle it all with grace and determination.

And here I am feeling like a big ole loser because I can’t find a date. I couldn’t buy a date if my life depended on it. How can I turn my life around? How can I make it through my issues with grace like I have seen others do?

I was in the shower this morning and thinking (apparently I get all of my great ideas in there). I started to do that laugh/cry thing. And it was all about the boy. Delusional would be the best description of me, in the shower, this morning. I was having this conversation in my head that the boy had realized that I was missing in his life and that he wanted to work it out.

Yep, go ahead and laugh. Like I said, I am delusional. And then after pulling myself together I repeated “It’s not all about me.” It isn’t and I have to learn and accept that. I have to figure out how to make me happy and accept that having a family might not happen.

Of course it doesn’t help when I am talking to mom on the phone that I mention I am getting toliet bowl cleaner. Since I rarely clean (really, no one comes over, it is just me and the cat-like he cares) mom makes sure to point out that maybe that is why I don’t have a boyfriend. Yep, that has to be the reason. . .

Just keep chanting, it’s not all about me, it’s not all about me. . .