Finally, I finally got my butt off the couch today and I walked two miles. It’s one of my normal walks that takes me down the road from where I live and loop back. It was chilly but not too bad. In fact, a short sleeved shirt under my jacket would have worked instead of the long sleeved one but I decided to keep walking as opposed to turning back and giving myself an out.
I listened to my Ipod and could have kicked myself for not bringing the arm band holder home from work. I filled it with mostly 80s tunes and used that as my escape. The thoughts are always there, the questions, the regrets, the mistakes that I have made but I kept on walking. Letting myself get lost in the thoughts and the what might have beens.
It’s funny how a simple walk, listening to music can accomplish a brief moment of peacefulness. I don’t have any answers nor did a bright light pop on leading me in a different direction but I didn’t feel as hopeless as I have been. There are plenty of wishes and begging on my part but I get it. I can’t force life to happen to me. I have to move forward. And as it will be for a long time to come, two steps forward and about 100 back but that is what my life is like now.
I listened to each song, to the words, to the meaning of each and it allowed me to just be in the moment. I listened to Poison’s Every Rose Has It’s Thorn and yes, I am well aware that it is a hair band from the 80s but I love that music and will embrace it, even if others look at me like I am a strange bird. The song was written by Brett Michaels (thank you Behind the Music for this next tidbit) about his love for a girlfriend that had since left. Michaels said in an interview that as the band’s career was taking off, his love life was falling apart. He didn’t really write this for the band or for a hit, it was his pain at the loss of this love. But it did turn into a hit and I have always loved it but today, it brought a deeper meaning to it.
I know that I need to take care of me, that I need to create goals and meet them. I was raised to know that I needed to count on me and no one else. I understand now that while it is a great concept and I will continue with that thought I also need to show anyone in my life that I will ask for help when needed. I also need to show my love for them and to be honest with them when I am upset about something.
I learned most of that from the boy. I should have spoke up more. As my friend Amy says, I am not all that demanding when it comes to having a boyfriend in my life. I don’t demand that we go and do something that I want to do. I ask and when it is shrugged off, I don’t push. I learned that one from an ex who constantly told me that I was selfish and too needy. He said a lot of horrible things to me, things that were nowhere near the truth. So I took what I learned from that and decided not to be too demanding. Unfortunately I took those opinions too literally and never pushed. George tried to say that too me about a month before he dumped me. I am slow to get the hint.
So from someone who has yet to get it right in a relationship and basically screws up everyone I am ever in, please listen to your mate. Offer support, be willing to grin and nod when he/she asks to do something you might not like to do. And if something is bothering you, tell them. Communicating is the key. I was always afraid to do that. It maybe too late for me but take my advice and run with it. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even though it breaks my heart that the boy has erased me from his life and would never for even on second consider coming back, I hope that he has found someone that will love him like I do, to listen to him, to be supportive and to even cheer on his beloved football team. I know I still do.
Stumbling Through Life 