I am working on my annual work event. It’s for charity and I am loving every minute of it. Well. . .except for that huge pink elephant in the room. Last year was a banner year for me. I met the boy, fell in love and even plucked up the courage to tell him so.
This year, as I started to prepare for the event I was jolted by those memories. I have always been bad at communicating with the one I love. Mainly it is the stuff that might be bothering me and then there is that fear. You know the kind of fear that can make your stomach jump through throat and make a made dash to the nearest bathroom. Of course, then there is the fear of sharing with that person how you feel. Rejection is not on the top of anyone’s list, so just putting it out there and it not being returned would be the ultimate rejection. Scary times.
As my event date has drawn near, I began to get flashbacks about what I was doing this time last year. I knew that it would be hard but this has to be one of the hardest things I have ever confronted.
I told the boy I loved him the night before my event last year (22nd). I told him while shaking in my shoes and then grabbing his whiskey for a quick shot in hops that my shaking would stop. I had told him not to respond. That this wasn’t about hearing those words from him, it was about me saying my feelings for him outloud. The next night he told me that he loved me. The over the moon happiness that I felt was and still is indescribable.
Today was day three of a headache I cannot get rid of. Part of it is stress, part of it is reliving those memories and being terribly sad by how things worked out. A coworker stopped to chat with me this morning and I finally said it outloud. I started crying and couldn’t believe that I was still this torn up about the decision that I made. The one that I made that I thought was the right decision. Hindsight? I totally blew it.
If I could bare to contact him, I would. But his mind is made up. I have to get through this week, I have to be strong and I have to understand that I made this mess. I wish he would open back up to me. I wish that he felt the same way still. I wish that maybe, just maybe he remembers this milestone in our relationship. I have a lot wishes don’t I?
The memory is still so fresh, so sweet and at the same time bittersweet.
Stumbling Through Life 