Last year, about this time, I had made a statement to a friend that if things didn’t work out with the boy that I really needed to move elsewhere. As in, leave Nashville. As my bad luck would have it. . .it didn’t work out. I was only a few short months into my new lease and was thinking well, maybe things will work back out and the need to move won’t happen.
I have been miserable for almost six months now. I have spent probably more time crying and beating myself up over this failure than I have anything else in my life. My close group of friends have busy lives and I don’t fit into their lifestyles anymore. I don’t blame them, I am certainly not mad at them but I am miserable. If I am not at work, I am at home, alone. I don’t like this feeling, sick of just sitting there and even more tired of hearing, it will happen. Or, get back online. Or, you made the right decision.
I didn’t make the right decision and I am finding myself go deeper into that horrible hole of despair. I am not sure how to overcome any of this. Reaching out to the boy is a no go. He has made it very clear with his silence that I am yesterday’s news.
So, yesterday, after having a friend disappear without a word on a night when we were going out, I sat there and thought. Thought about what changes I could make, what I could do to try to stop this freefall into depression. I started looking at jobs within my company that are located elsewhere.
I think I might have found one I want to apply to, now I just need to really think about it, talk to my boss to let him know what I am considering and then pull the triger. It would be back in a small town, but different state. It would put me closer to a city I adore and the money would be a bit better as well as cost of living looks to be lower than here.
It may sound like I am running away from my problems but I feel like there is nothing and no one here in this city that I can turn to or should an emergency arise, I could get a hold of them. I have always used the excuse that I am so tied down to Nashville, so I could never move. Often thinking of friends and then thinking that they would be so sad to see me go (sure, they might but their worlds aren’t going to fall apart, mine? There isn’t much left of it).
I am scared to pull the triger, I am terrified of change and part of me still clinges in that delusional sort of way to the hope that the boy still loves me. But the other side of the coin is, I literally would be less than three hours from DC, I could spend weekends there, traipsing through the museums. I could hit Reston for the shopping and I could even consider a trip via the train in DC to NYC. Bringing me a little bit closer to my all time favorite city.
So off to ponder, pray and cry about it. I swear, my eyes have gotten quite the workout as of late, puffyness doesn’t pay.
Stumbling Through Life 