One of the biggest life lessons that I learned this year was this:
Sometimes doing the right thing is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.
I started 2009 with love, great hope and a few dreams that I thought would come true. As many of you know, that love was gone in May. I stood up for myself, what I thought I deserved and what was the right thing to do. Something that just a few years ago, I would never have had the guts to do. Do I still regret it? Yes, because I still miss the boy but the reality is my love for him was more than he felt of me. It doesn’t make me the bad guy, just that it didn’t fit. With that love lost, the hopes and dreams I had for the year disappeared as well.
I also watched my best friend go through something, so adult, so unfair, cruel and heartbreaking. Bitter? Yes, I am. Because while crappy things can happen to me, I don’t ever want them to happen to my friends. Especially to Stacey and her husband. We have all cried, laughed and been angry together. In a way, after we all lost Liam, I became lost. While I understand that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, I am a bit miffed at him for taking that precious little boy from our lives.
I grew up. I started to feel old. And I finally came to the very bitter realization that the love of my life just might not be out there. I have given up because I just can’t go on anymore. The first dates, the what ifs and could this be it? feelings have aged me to the point that I just don’t want my heart broken again. My heart crumbled as I walked away from the boy but it completely broke when I had to say goodbye to Liam. A child that wasn’t even mine but my heart knew a love I had never felt before he came to us.
I have seen friends bury their in-laws, deal with horrible relationships and everything in between. And to be very honest, I hate 2009 and I can’t wait to see it fade into the past. This has been a hard year for so many of my friends. At times, it can make just getting through the day a challenge.
As for my job, it looks like, unless there is a miracle, I will be leaving Nashville, my home. I have cried so much over the past few weeks and I just want to be able to be at peace. My deepest desire is to stay here. Because as much as my parents and friends back in east TN would love for me to be there, I know that I would be unhappy there. I love the city and I love my friends here. I love my friends there, don’t get me wrong but this is where I belong.
If I have to go, I will. I will put my big girl panties on and make the most of it. But sometimes I just get frustrated with the fact that I do the right things, am a nice person but nothing ever works out for me. Am I doing something wrong?
So goodbye 2009, hello 2010!