Month: December 2009

One of the biggest life lessons that I learned this year was this:

Sometimes doing the right thing is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

I started 2009 with love, great hope and a few dreams that I thought would come true. As many of you know, that love was gone in May. I stood up for myself, what I thought I deserved and what was the right thing to do. Something that just a few years ago, I would never have had the guts to do. Do I still regret it? Yes, because I still miss the boy but the reality is my love for him was more than he felt of me. It doesn’t make me the bad guy, just that it didn’t fit. With that love lost, the hopes and dreams I had for the year disappeared as well.

I also watched my best friend go through something, so adult, so unfair, cruel and heartbreaking. Bitter? Yes, I am. Because while crappy things can happen to me, I don’t ever want them to happen to my friends. Especially to Stacey and her husband. We have all cried, laughed and been angry together. In a way, after we all lost Liam, I became lost. While I understand that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, I am a bit miffed at him for taking that precious little boy from our lives.

I grew up. I started to feel old. And I finally came to the very bitter realization that the love of my life just might not be out there. I have given up because I just can’t go on anymore. The first dates, the what ifs and could this be it? feelings have aged me to the point that I just don’t want my heart broken again. My heart crumbled as I walked away from the boy but it completely broke when I had to say goodbye to Liam. A child that wasn’t even mine but my heart knew a love I had never felt before he came to us.

I have seen friends bury their in-laws, deal with horrible relationships and everything in between. And to be very honest, I hate 2009 and I can’t wait to see it fade into the past. This has been a hard year for so many of my friends. At times, it can make just getting through the day a challenge.

As for my job, it looks like, unless there is a miracle, I will be leaving Nashville, my home. I have cried so much over the past few weeks and I just want to be able to be at peace. My deepest desire is to stay here. Because as much as my parents and friends back in east TN would love for me to be there, I know that I would be unhappy there. I love the city and I love my friends here. I love my friends there, don’t get me wrong but this is where I belong.

If I have to go, I will. I will put my big girl panties on and make the most of it. But sometimes I just get frustrated with the fact that I do the right things, am a nice person but nothing ever works out for me. Am I doing something wrong?

So goodbye 2009, hello 2010!

When I was little, I was raised on a healthy diet of The Muppets, my friend Sonia swears that anything puppet-wise creeps her out. I don’t understand her logic though. My parents enjoyed watching The Muppet Show with me as well as the movies that Jim Henson produced. As an adult, I have watched some of it again and giggle because, OMG, there was adult humor in there. So that’s why they enjoyed it as much as I did. Humor on two levels, I don’t think they make children’s shows like they used to. And if I had to pick now, Stadler and Waldorf are my favorites. They even one up Mr. Berle.

Milton vs. Stadler and Waldorf

Life is kind of funny you know. I had all kinds of dreams when I was younger. Once, during a homecoming queen court interview (junior college, I was the representative for the student newspaper) I was asked what my dreams were five years from then. At twenty, I was thinking I would write for a paper, find the man of my dreams, get married and have a couple of babies.

Sadly, I don’t recognize that girl anymore. That girl dumped her boyfriend as she was preparing to leave to go to MTSU. She made that choice because she knew that she needed to be on her own, to meet people and not be someone that was only looking forward to a weekend here or there to travel to Fairfax to see her boyfriend. She wanted to go to fraternity parties, be a part of a sorority and just have fun.

I did have fun, met some great people but I also met my downfall. The ex was intoxicating, I can’t even explain it. As time went on, I allowed him to tell me who I was as a person. I lost my self esteem courtesy of the ex. He cheated on me numerous times and while his fraternity brothers joke, asking why I stayed with him for so long, I still can’t answer them. I allowed him to tear me down, piece by piece. While I finally walked away, managed two ill-fated relationships, that secure girl that was talking about the future back in college has only shown little glimpses of return.

But I don’t think I will ever get her back, to be so secure in myself. . .I have improved, I stood up to my last relationship, fighting for what I wanted. Of course, I question everything nowadays. I don’t get how someone like me, who is nice, thoughtful, willing to go the extra mile can’t seem to find the right man. And that is where I start working through everything. I have to be happy with what I have and accept that I just might not be the one any man is willing to be fully committed to. It is now when I really start to hear all those hurtful things said by the ex and think, maybe he was right. Even he has now found someone whom he wouldn’t mind being with forever.

I guess I can at least hold my head up high and say that while I am alone, I didn’t settle. I didn’t just stay with someone because I could I have a boyfriend. I want a man who will fight for me, love me and do whatever it takes to make me happy. I want a man who can be a man and not hide behind the line that he is the way he is, set in his ways. I can appreciate that because I am to a certain degree but I would be willing to bend a bit. Because loving someone and being loved in return is one of those great things that he doesn’t get. And he lost me in the process.

So I will be thankful for great friends, family, job and the craziest little cat that gives me cuddles every  night. It might not be the most thrilling but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I have at least been truthful. So I am going to work out those crazy kinks, try with all my might to forget those crazy voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough and I should really lose more weight. At least I am going to try.

I am in a quandry about my career at the moment. I love my job, my boss and most of the people I work with but there is a question about upward mobility. I have talked openly with my boss about this (he is that great of a boss!) and we discussed options along with him be fully supportive of any decision I do make.

An opportunity came up in our sister agency back in SE TN. The job sounds interesting, it certainly would be a challenge and would allow me to further my skill set (not to mention be The Queen of Excel). It would entail a move back home, not in the same city but close enough. I know my parents would love it as well as some other friends BUT. . . do I want to do this? When push comes to shove, do I really want to leave Nashville?

I have met with one manager from there this week and am heading there to meet with several people next week. In the meantime, I have a lot to ponder. There is a reason that I wanted to move back here after moving home the first time within, oh less than three months of being there. It is certainly a smaller pond there, the shopping is nowhere near the level it is here and well, Nashville is home to me. As my dad says, I am a city girl.

I have firmly put the boy in the past, something that should have been done months ago. He was a disappointment and the lack of “fight” for wanting to stay with me was nonexsistent. Of course, with my luck and history, he is probably planning a wedding by now. My exes tend to be willing and ready after they are gone from my life to settle down. In fact, Mike was saying how he loves this girl he is dating now and wouldn’t mind having a kid with her. See? Good enough to date for a bit but DO NOT EVER suggest settling down with me.

I was talking to coworkers about this, trying to find the humor in it all when I realized that I am exactly like Charlie Brown and that stupid football that Lucy insured he would never kick. I am shown the prospect of a long lasting relationship but WAIT! it is snatched away quicker than I can yell go. Charlie Brown only got to kick that football after his creator, Charles Shultz ended the strip. So kiddos, it doesn’t look good for me. Just saying. And to be completely honest, I have given up. I get it and in that dark, scary place that I don’t like to be in, I can safely say that either I don’t deserve it or I am just not good enough for any guy to actually make that kind of commitment to.

I did try to be brave yesterday, the crush at my building. . . I did a bit of investigating (i.e., talking to the security guard) got his name and email address. I sent him an email. I (GASP!) asked if he wanted to get a drink sometime. His response: “I would take you up on it but I have a girlfriend.” That is always the case. He did mention that he liked my Halloween getup, which is bery charitable of him. But that was the sign I needed to just throw in the towel. Done. I. Am. Done. Stick a fork in me because this little feast is over with now.

So here is to making some decisions. At least I have already made one. Now I just have to get used to it.

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