Life is kind of funny you know. I had all kinds of dreams when I was younger. Once, during a homecoming queen court interview (junior college, I was the representative for the student newspaper) I was asked what my dreams were five years from then. At twenty, I was thinking I would write for a paper, find the man of my dreams, get married and have a couple of babies.
Sadly, I don’t recognize that girl anymore. That girl dumped her boyfriend as she was preparing to leave to go to MTSU. She made that choice because she knew that she needed to be on her own, to meet people and not be someone that was only looking forward to a weekend here or there to travel to Fairfax to see her boyfriend. She wanted to go to fraternity parties, be a part of a sorority and just have fun.
I did have fun, met some great people but I also met my downfall. The ex was intoxicating, I can’t even explain it. As time went on, I allowed him to tell me who I was as a person. I lost my self esteem courtesy of the ex. He cheated on me numerous times and while his fraternity brothers joke, asking why I stayed with him for so long, I still can’t answer them. I allowed him to tear me down, piece by piece. While I finally walked away, managed two ill-fated relationships, that secure girl that was talking about the future back in college has only shown little glimpses of return.
But I don’t think I will ever get her back, to be so secure in myself. . .I have improved, I stood up to my last relationship, fighting for what I wanted. Of course, I question everything nowadays. I don’t get how someone like me, who is nice, thoughtful, willing to go the extra mile can’t seem to find the right man. And that is where I start working through everything. I have to be happy with what I have and accept that I just might not be the one any man is willing to be fully committed to. It is now when I really start to hear all those hurtful things said by the ex and think, maybe he was right. Even he has now found someone whom he wouldn’t mind being with forever.
I guess I can at least hold my head up high and say that while I am alone, I didn’t settle. I didn’t just stay with someone because I could I have a boyfriend. I want a man who will fight for me, love me and do whatever it takes to make me happy. I want a man who can be a man and not hide behind the line that he is the way he is, set in his ways. I can appreciate that because I am to a certain degree but I would be willing to bend a bit. Because loving someone and being loved in return is one of those great things that he doesn’t get. And he lost me in the process.
So I will be thankful for great friends, family, job and the craziest little cat that gives me cuddles every night. It might not be the most thrilling but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I have at least been truthful. So I am going to work out those crazy kinks, try with all my might to forget those crazy voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough and I should really lose more weight. At least I am going to try.
Stumbling Through Life 