Mother Nature Needs an Attitude Adjustment

Seriously, how in the world can it go from 70s to snow in two days? I am so confused at to what to wear in the mornings that it is making me rush off to work. Today it was warm again but with that came the sinus headache. I don’t like spring all that much when it does that. Can’t we all get along around here?

But with the warmer weather (for at least today, never know if we will get hit with another snow storm tomorrow) my mood brightens up and my feet are happy wearing my sandals. How I love business casual!

It is kind of quiet around these parts, just prepping for my next visit home to see everyone. Trying to maintain a somewhat clean and organize home. I know, that is really scary for me. But my friends would be proud.

I did a preliminary search on plane tickets to NYC for this December. Looks like my best bet is driving to Nashville and flying out there. No complaints from me on that! I just need to figure out the logistics and start saving money. I plan on really doing it up this time, Christmas shopping there and shipping it back here. And I have some friends in the area that I will get to visit with while I am there plus sweet Marti will be meeting me towards the end of the week to have a girls weekend in the city. Watch out Fifth Avenue, she has mad shopping skills!

I am also going to make it a point to go to my former youth minister’s church this weekend. Partly because I need to get back into church and partly to lessen the guilt I feel whenever I talk to mom. What can I say, I am a 36 year old woman who still feels mom’s guilt. And being in closer proximity to her makes it stronger. But I love Curt to death and he was the one who, with one phone call from me saying, “I need you,” came up to Nashville for Liam’s service right after Thanksgiving.

Other than Mother Nature and I not getting along, life is going okay. It could be better but I do have a lot to be thankful for. And for those still reading along, can you say a prayer for Stacey and Jason? They are doing as well as can be expected but I could do with a nice miracle in the form of a healthy baby to add to their family. I maybe a cynic but sometimes holding out hope and being optimistic does creep in and it does when it comes to my friends.

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The List

I get questions from time to time of what do I want in a mate and the response from those hearing it is, “Really? That’s all? You are not asking for much.” Yep, I am kind of easy like that. Of course, my list of qualities was much longer when I was younger but hey, after a couple of heartbreaks, you start to find yourself whittling the list down to the basics.

So here is my list:

  • Nice
  • Respectful
  • Funny
  • Dorky/Geeky/Nerdy
  • Bonus if he dresses preppy/classic but I have had Ken doll boyfriends before, so I can dress them
  • Willing to go to church
  • Wants to get married
  • More importantly, wants to marry me
  • Wants kids

That is it in a nutshell. I have a type, I can’t help it. It is what I am attracted to but Stacey’s husband did have a request the last time I was in Nashville, he must have hair. I don’t mind either way though.

The guy that comes into my life needs to understand I am not perfect, quite silly, burp often and that I have the humor of an adolescent boy. I can’t help it. My friend Ethan destroyed my brain growing up, so I do giggle at gutter humor. I like to have me time (reading and watching tv is my thing), spend time with friends and cook. So he needn’t not worry about his figure. I need to get into shape, so if that guy was willing to walk with me and coax me into jogging from time to time, then that is a bonus for me. I also want someone who isn’t afraid of trying new things, food or traveling but I think if I could get those basics from the list, the rest will work itself out.

Oh, while I am a girly girl, I love football but not the Tennessee Vols. Sorry, I can’t handle the orange and white. Had too much of that growing up. But I can bend a bit on that, just don’t expect me to go to a game. Been there, done that and I thought I was going to have to go take a long, hot shower to get the smell off. It’s my thing, hating Tennessee.

So there you have it, I used to have a much longer list, with details and all but if I could come home to a loving mate, who laughs with me and at me, understands that sometimes I will be grouchy and that my cat will be hogging the bed, please apply or send your applicants my way. I just want someone to share my life with and to grow old together. And the upside, when he starts to lose his hearing he won’t hear me burping all the time!

How to Pick Mr. Right (Well, maybe not. . . )

Well, this is going to be more like, how not to pick Mr. Right. Since my track record is rather stellar in that department, I can at least share with you what not to do when dating. If you put ten men in the room with me, I would pick the one that has the most issues and would spend the next year or so trying to bend over backwards to make sure those issues were made into non-issues.

I don’t have the confidence that I did when I was younger (so wasted on the young) nor is my body the same as it was ten years ago. I often get that “your crazy talking” look when I say that I am shy. I have a naturally bubbly personality but when I get into a situation where I know few people, I get quiet and become worried that I will say something that screams “oh yes, the dumb blonde!” I am also quite the dork and it takes very special people to really get my humor and understand that my missteps make me laugh just as much as it makes them laugh. At least I have that down, right?

I have been learning (albeit slowly) how to assert myself when in a relationship. Now, I am pretty good about saying I need some me time. Living on your own for years will do that to you. But when my mate does something that hurts my feelings, I used to just let it ride, not say anything and then, well, then a fight starts. I also used to hear an ex’s voice in my head telling me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.

The boy was really bad about making sure everything was about him. And per my friends, talked down to me. Now this is the second guy that has been accused of that and I guess I will have to train myself to see when this happens. He also was big on labels. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some labels. But I also have to be realistic in the fact that I don’t have tons of money to indulge like I would want to, so I pick and choose, save up for the big purchases or just dream of owning it at some point down the road. I don’t judge people by the labels they wear or carry. He even had Polo underwear for goodness sakes! He was generous at gift giving times but while things are nice, they are just things. I would have given my eye teeth for the chance to go somewhere, watch something or just spend a weekend lazing around on my terms but normally, it was his call.

I also forgive easily when I am in love. Mike was keen on this because he could go be bad and knew that when things got boring, tough or lonely, I would be there waiting. How sad is that? He did offer up an apology years later and that is the only reason I nurtured the friendship we now have and I am grateful for it too, because I can always get a good laugh out of his daily escapades.

Which leads me to a month ago; the boy wanted to talk, after many months of not talking. I should have been leery of this and I should have just ignored the request but I have a big heart and was curious. He too offered up an apology and his appreciation of how good of a girlfriend I had been to him. We talked a couple of times for several hours and he wanted to take me out for dinner when I was up in Nashville. The kicker was he had just been diagnosed as severely depressed, broken up a a very immature and kind of crazy girl. That was a red flag that I didn’t want to see. I wanted to see him, I wanted to hang out with him and take care of him. That is what I do. I like to nurture people and sometimes that need to do that tends to get me hurt. He called a few days later, stating how sorry he was, he wanted to work it out with the girl because she promised she would get therapy and she wouldn’t behave like that again. I told him no worries and kept my head held high because you know what? It is not my place to fix him or take care of him. And with that I finally got around to deleting everything that had his information. I don’t want to hear from him again and more than likely will not. It was closure for me and I got to say, the boy just did me a huge favor by doing that.

My best story of all times has to be when I was dating George. . .we dated for two and a half years and at least from my perspective things were going well. We went to NYC shortly before Valentine’s Day, had a great time and I thought he was going to propose. Nope but two weeks later he dumped me. I went into a deep depression, lost a lot a weight, had a fling with a much younger guy, got a bit wild and then settled back into my boring life. But not before he called me up (again, hadn’t even spoken to him in many months) while I was at work to tell me that he got this girl pregnant shortly after they started dating and they were getting married. And I was his first call, not his family, not his friends but me. I was a bit baffled by that one but the only reasoning I can put together was that maybe he wanted to turn the knife a bit or maybe he just thought I should know the news from him and not others.

I also tend to compare the new guy to the old one, petrified that I will make the same mistakes all over again. I don’t know how I got here but looking at 40 rolling around in four short years I am starting to panic. Those dreams of getting married and having children are disappearing very quickly. I have also gotten to a place in my life where just sitting at home seems to be the thing to do.

I hear my friends talk about how they were proposed to, watched them get married and go on to start a family and I feel very disconnected to the whole thing. Not once have I ever been proposed to or come close and the rest is like a pipe dream.

I do have things to be thankful for and I truly am. I just wish I had the wisdom to put it all together, come out of my shell and trust a man. To open up and forget about those bad habits that I have created in the past. The good news is I pulled the plug on the boy before we hit the year and a half mark. I did tell him when he hurt my feelings and I was very honest about wanting to get married and have a family. So there might be hope for me but don’t hold your breath! I am pretty bad at figuring out the right path!

Rainbows

I have a thing for Wizard of Oz, the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow, is just beautiful. Then Liam was born and I kept seeing rainbows. I took that as a sign that my friend’s precious little boy was going to be okay. I haven’t blogged about those days after his passing because I have never really found the right words that would honor his passing. I couldn’t put what my heart felt as it broke watching my friends do the unthinkable.

As I left the hospital that day I knew that life had changed. I held him, kissed him, cried for him, his parents and everyone that had been praying for him. Stacey’s inlaws left shortly after I did to give them some time to say their private goodbyes. I headed home to grab a few things and then made my way back to their home. Where I told their furbabies that their little brother was gone.

We handled details after they got home, I made some calls and we met up with some friends for a bit just to delay going back to their home. The next day I picked up Stacey’s parents from the airport, dropped them off and headed home to rest before going back over to cook and spend time with family. I also met up with their photographer Gina, who volunteers for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to pick up the disc of final pictures and the DVD she created that would be shown at Liam’s service.

I couldn’t watch it but Stacey did shortly before we headed to the funeral home. She told me that the last song playing on the CD in the hospital was Somewhere Over the Rainbow (the guitar version) and that Gina put it on the DVD. The thing is, me with the rainbows, the song and Liam, none of this was discussed with the nurses or Gina. I guess God just wanted to keep on trying to tell us that even in the darkest of times, He is still there.

I only saw a portion during the service and saw the tail end of it at their home that night. I have yet to see it in it’s entirety.

But as I was going to bed the other night I had been drawn into the whole Jason and Molly get married! show. This time as the bride was walking down the isle, Jason Castro was singing the song. And I cried. I haven’t heard that song since Liam left us and all of the sudden, just a few cords in I am crying.

I can’t imagine what they deal with on a daily basis but I know that it has to difficult. This child was only with us for 20 days and I am not a blood member of this family, yet Liam is in my heart, forever. And with each rainbow I see or each time I hear that song, I will remember those times with him and miss what could have been had he proven us all wrong and was still here.

Liam, I love you and I thank you for making me remember to tell those I love that I love them and make the most out of each day. You taught me a lot in your short time here. I am forever grateful.

Trying to Find a Routine

As silly as I can be sometimes or even laid back there is a part of me that craves routine. I wish I could be that person that just rolls with it and never worries about what the day might bring. I am a planner and even that can be overwhelming at times.

Since my move, it seems like my life revolves around trying to find that rhythm to make it just a bit easier to handle all of the change. The hardest part is definitely the time change.  Having lived on Central time for the past ten years has been like a little slice of heaven. It is weird that I grew up on Eastern time but am having the hardest time adjusting back. My shows now come on at 8 and that just messes my whole life up. I was also used to a different work schedule where I would be done and out the door at 4 instead of 4:30. And to add to the messiness that is my life now, I have a much longer commute that eats away at my time.

I am slowly getting back into cooking dinner for myself. When I lived in my much smaller apartment, the kitchen was tiny. It wasn’t a haven to cook in and more often than not, I found myself picking up dinner or eating something so easy that cooking was the last thing I wanted to do. Now my new kitchen is much larger, easy to prepare the Julia recipes when I am in the mood but I still feel like picking up dinner is easier. Cooking helps me relax but I find myself in a bit of depression since I am no longer home.

I have also been obsessed with planning my trips back home. It is looking like I will be going back monthly just so I can feel “normal” for a brief moment. Mom actually got onto me for not trying here and focusing so much attention on visits home. In fact, it was all about me needing to make friends here. I am sure I will at some point but those friends in Nashville, my home? Those are the people that I spent ten years with, the ones that have seen me at my best and my worst. They have laughed with me, at me and cried with me as well. There is a lot of history and love there and leaving was beyond the hardest thing I have had to do as of late.

I did get a call from the boy a couple of weeks ago, in short, he said something that I had been waiting for but it all came from a place where the girl he is now with has been horrible. Of course, he wanted to see me when I was up for a visit but then changed his mind after a million promises were made by said girl to be better. Umm, yeah, good luck with that. There is a reason I am not with a my friend that is an ex anymore. They don’t change. But what he failed to realize was those hours of conversation and then his change of heart gave me closure. And made me see him in a light that isn’t all that positive. Thank you for that, because that is what I needed to close the door, erase the memories and move forward.

But my routine? It is all over the place. I am working on trying to come up with a somewhat set schedule that allows me the time to get things done, relax and on occasion stumble through life. Work is nice but it isn’t the same as when I was home. And that warm, fuzzy feeling I had when I was there started the moment I walked in for the interview. It didn’t take time and it wasn’t something that just grew on me, it was the instant I walked into the door and met my boss.

I did manage to get out yesterday, visit Granny and Eliot. It was nice seeing both but as I was driving to Eliot’s place of employment I felt like a stranger in my new city. Sure, I can find my way around and all of it is slowly coming back to me but it felt weird.

I am expecting guests the next couple of weekends, a little bit of home brought to me by loving friends. I am excited to see them, to venture out to see what this place has to offer as well as spending time with each of them. I am also quite ready to go home for a visit. To see everyone, to laugh till my stomach hurts but mainly just to sit back, relax, smile and know that I still belong in that big city.

And here is hoping that my new routine includes me sitting down more often to blog. While I may not have a ton of readers, this is a great outlet for me. And if you have any thoughts you would like to share, leave a comment. I do enjoy reading them.