Have you ever justified your actions to a friend? It could be as simple as why you are buying those really expensive shoes all the way to why you are ignoring the reality in order to be with someone.
I will raise my hand, I have done this numerous times. And there is one thing that should be known, don’t try to justify your actions to someone who has spent many a year justifying their own. Why? Well, I for one can say, I can see through you. I said the same things you are saying to me right now. Been there, done that and will probably do it again.
When I was in the thick of things with an ex, I would justify why I was taking him back. It could have been the night before when I was crying, saying no more. I have to get rid of him, yada, yada and even more yada. Yep, I said it all. Each time I was left with more crow to eat as this ex disappointed me again.
When I contacted him after not speaking to him for three years, I was a bit worried. I didn’t want my friends to be mad at me, I didn’t want them to raise their hands up and say “I give up!” But the reality was that this time it was different. That ex and I had finally managed to become friends. And since then, we have managed to stay friends. I love that kid. He is funny, country and bit off. He still drives me crazy but it doesn’t matter because we are different people now. We care for each other and want happiness in the other’s life. So after some hand wringing from my friends, they relaxed, laughed and realized that really, we were just friends.
I then started to think of ways to justify my feelings for the boy. He had called off and on after I moved. But then I started to hear statements from him about his life that sounded very familiar. Yep, now he was the one justifying his actions to me. I get where he is coming from and said so. No need to justify anything to me. We feel the way we feel. My hope is that those feelings he has right now go one for the long amount of time that I did the justifying dance with Bubba.
It is funny in a way, I justify why I pig out or why I don’t workout. I justify why I don’t get out there and meet people here. It is all about change or doing what is right for us. It is hard to just let go and just be. To say to others, hey, I am new here, terribly shy and would like to hang out sometime.
Or my weakness of spending money when I should be putting it back for a rainy day. I need clothes for work or if I got a new pair of workout clothes, I would workout.
I sometimes think that is my weakness, to justify my actions to others when the only person I need to answer to is the big guy upstairs. It is hard to let go of my control freak nature. And it is hard to just say, hey I could use a friend nearby. I have been so independent for so long, that relying on others seems weak. I am stubborn to a fault and would much rather prefer to keep beating my head against the wall in the hopes that a door would open rather than asking someone to open the door for me.
The truth is, the quiet time that I have on my own is nice. Sometimes those thoughts in my head get going and that can drive me crazy. But I like it, I like that my cat crawls up on me, snuggles in and just wants to sit. He doesn’t ask for much and I like it that way.
Sonia challenged me with taking this year to concentrate on me, to find something to do and not to focus on doing my 200% nurturing everyone else. I dealt with a breakup last year of my own doing, watched my best friend and her husband lose their child and then the straw that broke the camel’s back, was transferred for my job, leaving my home that I loved so much. It really is a lot to deal with and I justified focusing on everyone and everything instead of just dealing with what was in front of me.
She gave me that nudge to deal with everything instead of finding something else to do. I justified my actions for talking to the boy when really I needn’t do so. I know that my friends are going to love me no matter what. So besides doing a little craft project that will keep me busy, I am also challenging myself not to justify my actions. To live in the moment and just be.