I was talking to a friend today and she inspired me to think about something that is an attribute in me. I am strong willed, stubborn to a fault and a control freak. Part of it apparently comes from my mom’s side of the family, I like to think some of it comes from me being the youngest and the final part comes from a comment my dad has said plenty of times to me while growing up. That comment apparently shaped me as a person and it is. . .
Only rely upon yourself, never count on others to support you.
I am paraphrasing it since I can’t remember the whole lecture word by word. But it is something dad always said to me, which could be the driving force in my relationship history. I took it literally and while, yes, I do lean on my friends from time to time, I always tried to make sure that I could support myself when it came to guys in my life. It makes sense to always be able to take care of yourself, knowing that whatever crap comes your way, you can handle it.
I am a grown woman, I know what I like and prefer to pick and chose what I like, whether it is activities, eating, watching tv or what I read. People tend to see my strong willed nature and roll their eyes. I know, sometimes even I can see that I am too much to deal with. I have steamrolled friends, boyfriends and even my parents from time to time. In the back of my head, I can see that I might be pushing a little too hard and should back off but sometimes that little voice isn’t quite loud enough to take me down a notch.
I question those actions sometimes. I know I basically barked demands off to Stacey and J the day Liam passed. Taking them to eat, look for clothes and getting them back home. I made that call to the funeral home and accompanied them. I hope that my behavior wasn’t horrible but I just felt like at that point in time that putting one foot in front of the other, just getting the basics done was what they needed. They never said an ill word to me about it though, so I am hoping that I didn’t step on their feet. Because I felt like if I were in their shoes, I probably would have needed someone to tell me what to do and when.
Dating has always been interesting to me. It is part dread, part questioning everything and part, I hope this is it. But I have dated guys in the past that I have battled with in terms of what to do, when to do it and how. I didn’t with Mike and bless his heart, he now deals with Amy the friend, who tells him that he is paying for dinner, deals with the whining (at least when we were in the same city) when I want a malt from Bobbie’s and other random demands that I throw out there. For us, this works in our friendship and it may have to do with the past more than anything.
I don’t want to be with someone that I can steamroll but I also don’t want the asshole who determines what I am going to eat, etc. It bothers me. I like a challenge but I also like when that guy respects me enough to let me handle things in my own way. The boy used to mention my cleaning skills, it was a playful thing, not harsh; but I retaliated by writing hello and my name in the dust that was on his furniture. He got to see a side of me that had not been shown before when we were dating. Mainly just the blunt, this is what this is, these are your issues, etc. conversation that left me feeling better but left him filing that conversation in a file titled “Thoughts to Avoid.”
There have been times when after spending time with a guy, I have left, scared to death that he just might have my number. Other times when I realized, yep, not going to happen and more times than not, just downright confused by the whole thing. Mixed signals, comments in jest or the inability to just be honest seem to be the defining factor in most guys I have dated.
Here is the reality, sometimes being honest is going to hurt someone’s feelings; sometimes the way you feel may scare you but isn’t that what it is about, getting through the fear and finding something great; or knowing that all it will ever be is just friends, so keeping it light is the only way to go. If I am really interested in a guy, then well, the game is over for me. I don’t like games anyway but after a history of dating and doing the three date max, well, it helped me see at least what I didn’t want.
I might have a lot of armor on but past these walls, there is a heart on my sleeve that can get hurt easily And yes, I am strong willed, stubborn and a control freak but those are my quirks that I get to deal with not a challenge to a guy to see if he can break me. One ex did that and the scars from that are still there. It took a long time to get over but I did. And thank goodness because he is a dear friend and it all comes from the ugly that was within our relationship.
I have only been in love twice and each time I was met with disappointment. But I learned quite a bit on the way and can easily say, I wouldn’t change a thing. So yes, I maybe a pain in the ass sometimes but I have only good intentions. I step back from time to time when I am not sure what direction I am going in and sometimes I just jump in without looking. But more often than not, I opt to look and see since I like to know what the deal is.
Mostly, my quirks can be attributed to my mom’s side of the family. But I love that within my control freak nature that is one uncontrollable factor, panic attacks. Thank you dad’s side of the family for that one. Take one control freak, get her going on her course of life and then throw in random panic attacks just for fun, no reason at all and you get me.
And some of my parents’ friends wonder why I am still single???