It has been one of those weeks, filled with tons of work, catching up on sleep and actually getting out on a school night. Life has been kind of crazy this summer, which makes me long for the simpler times when I was in Nashville. But some good memories have been made and also I have learned a lot, so it can’t be all bad right?
Sometimes I wonder what my life looks like, all planned out but we don’t get to see it ahead of time, only as it unfolds. Which kind of sucks for a control freak like myself. I like knowing, not interpreting, so dealing with anything that is not planned out causes me to panic. I know, living your life in the moment is the best way to live. I try, I really do.
I have done that this week and it has been freeing. I have learned a great deal about myself just in a short amount of time. I also know that walls that have been up for years at a time take awhile to tear down. Butting heads with a friend this week made me see that sometimes while fun, everything must be put into perspective.
I talked to the boy the other night. That was interesting. He says he knows how to deal with me when I am irritated at him. But the reality is, sticking your head in the sand doesn’t make the problem go away. He is who he is and while there are times when I feel sorry for him, I know that I shouldn’t waste my time. But I still pick up the phone when he calls.
I had drinks last night with a coworker and talked to QB. He met us there as we were winding down and we hung out talking. I can always use another friend but sometimes even I get frustrated. I read on a message board the other day about whether the internet has been a blessing or a curse. We can catch up with people we haven’t seen in years via Facebook, email, text and basically forgo actual conversations. But the written word can be misconstrued all too often. Comments meant in a teasing tone can be taken as insults or just normal day to day, how are you doing type texts, can be perceived as something more than just the common courtesy.
It is interesting how technology has come this far yet the problems, questions and simple miscommunication can cause all sorts of problems. There have been times when I have made a comment on someone’s journal, blog or FB that ended up with an email or phone call asking me what the hell was I talking about.
I have a degree in Mass Communications and even I screw up when it comes to communicating my thoughts. It is hard to be open and honest with those that are near us, even harder when it comes to the opposite sex. And I always had more guy friends than girl friends! One would think that having my degree in communications and being raised around a bunch of guys that I would have this down pat but I don’t. There is a fine line between being honest and just being blunt. And after so many failed relationships, I tend to just throw everything out there because if that guy is the one for me, he won’t run from the quirks of me being honest.
I won’t lie, it kind of felt good when I was talking to the boy and the conversation went to the other weekend. He expected my normal answer of I didn’t do anything, just sat around. Did it bug him that I was out until the wee hours of the morning. Doubtful, probably more like shock. There is that horrible part of me that wants him to feel the hurt that I felt last summer. But I can’t do it.
I am not sure where my life is heading but I am trying to loosen the reins a bit so I don’t go completely over the edge. I also need to understand that sometimes I don’t get my way and that I have to be okay with that too.
There are some great things going on around me and I want to share in all of my friends’ joy. Also, I have managed to put myself out there a bit and while I am still stumbling along, it is kind of fun. Like when I used to actually ride roller coasters and my stomach would flip as we were hurtling down the track. Those stomach flips are nice to feel, whether they are really real or not doesn’t matter. And maybe I will get to feel a few more of them in the coming months because that can put a smile on my face.
Stumbling Through Life 