If I didn’t know better, I would think I was ADD. I am constantly thinking, analyzing my life, planning and dreaming of the future. Those voices are the reason I also seem to be a blur to most people and probably the reason why I am always so exhausted.
I try to block them out with music but sometimes they just get louder. Does this make me crazy? I hope not. I know that it is not healthy to constantly analyze, criticize and think of the what ifs.
On the outside, I hope that appear somewhat normal. I know that my new coworkers think I am just this quiet person who keeps to herself. In truth, I hate to say that I don’t really care for them. As coworkers, yes, they are fine. We have had bumps in the road, miscommunication galore and my heart isn’t in it. The work is challenging, I am learning a lot and it is nice that I was wanted in a different agency when my job was on the chopping block but. . .
BUT, the reality is, I go in, do my job and I go home. During that time at the office, I work hard to not make mistakes, to ask questions and on the special occasion, I get to talk to my former boss, while we are making plans for the work event. I get to use my creativity then and that is what happened today. I am good at excel, I am not a numbers person by any means but I do like seeing if there is a problem and figuring out how to fix the problem. BUT, I miss being able to brainstorm with my former boss, playing in design software and talking to my friends daily.
There is a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had taken that chance and stayed up there, would I have been able to find another job? Would I have been able to dodge the bullet in terms of a real panic attack that equaled upping my dosage? Would I have been able to forgo the sleeping pills I needed just a few months back because my brain was so overloaded I couldn’t sleep.
I am sure there is a shrink somewhere salivating at the thought of working with me. I like to call my issues quirks. That makes them seem kind of special instead of well, weird or problematic. I know that it doesn’t matter where I live, the voices will still be there. Of course, I would be happier dealing with them in Nashville but hey, I am doing what needs to be done.
The distraction of QB the other week was nice but just a distraction. Sometimes meeting up with old friends makes you see them in a new light and then you analyze that. For now, I will work on me. I will deal with the voices in my head and maybe next summer, I will be sitting on my deck with friends that only live ten minutes away. Laughing about my choice in men and realizing that just having those friends there is enough.