If I didn’t know better, I would think I was ADD. I am constantly thinking, analyzing my life, planning and dreaming of the future. Those voices are the reason I also seem to be a blur to most people and probably the reason why I am always so exhausted.
I try to block them out with music but sometimes they just get louder. Does this make me crazy? I hope not. I know that it is not healthy to constantly analyze, criticize and think of the what ifs.
On the outside, I hope that appear somewhat normal. I know that my new coworkers think I am just this quiet person who keeps to herself. In truth, I hate to say that I don’t really care for them. As coworkers, yes, they are fine. We have had bumps in the road, miscommunication galore and my heart isn’t in it. The work is challenging, I am learning a lot and it is nice that I was wanted in a different agency when my job was on the chopping block but. . .
BUT, the reality is, I go in, do my job and I go home. During that time at the office, I work hard to not make mistakes, to ask questions and on the special occasion, I get to talk to my former boss, while we are making plans for the work event. I get to use my creativity then and that is what happened today. I am good at excel, I am not a numbers person by any means but I do like seeing if there is a problem and figuring out how to fix the problem. BUT, I miss being able to brainstorm with my former boss, playing in design software and talking to my friends daily.
There is a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had taken that chance and stayed up there, would I have been able to find another job? Would I have been able to dodge the bullet in terms of a real panic attack that equaled upping my dosage? Would I have been able to forgo the sleeping pills I needed just a few months back because my brain was so overloaded I couldn’t sleep.
I am sure there is a shrink somewhere salivating at the thought of working with me. I like to call my issues quirks. That makes them seem kind of special instead of well, weird or problematic. I know that it doesn’t matter where I live, the voices will still be there. Of course, I would be happier dealing with them in Nashville but hey, I am doing what needs to be done.
The distraction of QB the other week was nice but just a distraction. Sometimes meeting up with old friends makes you see them in a new light and then you analyze that. For now, I will work on me. I will deal with the voices in my head and maybe next summer, I will be sitting on my deck with friends that only live ten minutes away. Laughing about my choice in men and realizing that just having those friends there is enough.
Stumbling Through Life 