Month: November 2010

In past relationships I always wanted to know where I stood and probably a lot of the times I never really did have a good idea of where I was in terms of the guy I was seeing. It really was a simpler time back in fourth grade when I got a note passed to me asking the simple question of “Will you go with me?” with the ever popular multiple choices that I could choose from and send back to the little red headed boy.

Of course now we have Facebook, where you can put a label on yourself for all your friends to see. The boy got on FB after we had been seeing each other for quite some time. I remember cringing when I changed the status from “In a relationship with. . . ” to “Single.” By the time I changed it though most of my friends knew that I had walked away but I took my sweet time changing it.

Labels can put you in a box and I am an outside the box kind of girl, so after Chandler and I started spending more time with each other, discussing feelings, movies, music and everything else I started to think about the FB labeling debacle.

We were laughing about our quirks and he said, gee, maybe we should date. We giggled about it and I made a flippant comment about nothing is official until it is on FB. Then he did his “I am up to something laugh” and when I asked him what he was up to, he would just respond with nothing. So I picked up my laptop and went to FB. There it was. He was in a relationship. And instead of trying to figure out how to run away and freak out, I changed mine and that was that.

Of course having parents on FB makes everything even more “fun” in terms of my dad likes to be funny and my mom likes to be sweet. Amy sent a text saying my dad almost made her pee from laughing so hard.

And then came the gentle ribbing from friends, from both sides, because neither of us were really looking for anything. And I am very thankful to have such wonderful friends who all looked at me and said FINALLY! The love and support from them mean so much, they also like to rile me up, planning out my life.

And for once I am not having to wonder where in the hell I stand. Maybe I might be figuring all this out now. . .

 

Oh dear, there is a reason why this kind of massive meal is only done a few times a year. Too.Much.Food. I traveled to Nashville to have Thanksgiving with the Queen and the Royal Court. Between us there were two turkeys (one roasted, one fried), mashed potatoes (ten lb bag), sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, squash casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls, gravy, dressing, stuffing and six pies. Umm yeah, there was a lot of food.

As I was driving here yesterday I was reminded about something I said a few years back. I have described my relationship with Bubba as trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And that never works. I am thankful that we have formed a friendship and that we see each other as siblings now.

But, I was thinking about that description and then realized that what I have now with Chandler is nothing like that. It’s easy, comfortable, fun and we can talk to each other. Of course he is really into being right, at all times. Puleeze. You have yet to see the K family stubborn streak come out but if you never see that you will probably be quite happy.

And while I am with my Nashville family for this holiday, it is nice to know that he will be there when I get back. I am enjoying my time catching up with friends whom I love as family. I have cooked to the point where I am tired to the bone and for my mom, I did almost all of the dishes. Yes, I cleaned and nobody asked me to rewash anything.

Tomorrow I will be hitting the sales, nothing in particular, but it is a sport and one that makes me quite happy. I have been through the paper, checking out the sales and have a plan set for my attack. A nap will be on the agenda tomorrow as well as spending time with my BFF Stacey and her husband. I will also be cooking again, this time for them along with Sonia and her husband. I am super excited to see them and feel like this trip is way too short.

But for now, I am taking it all in, spending time with some of best adopted family members I could ever have. I am thankful for them, my parents and to the guy who managed to get me to change my Facebook location, that is kind of a big deal.

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you, I think it is time to take another nap. . .

Being that I am one of those people who tend to let my brain analyze everything that happens around me, it can cause my already overactive brain into overdrive. Looking for clues, insights and whatever else I can dig up.

I share a lot on here about wanting to find the one, creating that life that I see in my head. Of course then when I start to see someone I can come up with a million and one reasons why it won’t work. Why can’t I just allow myself to live in the moment?

Part of it is what I have experienced in my adult life; nothing says happy ending diverted when looking at my past relationships. Part of it is allowing someone in, to really just see me and me not worry about it. And the funniest part is, if I let someone in, what happens when it blows up in my face?

I am such a bundle of optimism aren’t I? I am the biggest cheerleader when it comes to my friends but when it comes to me I forget to do that. I am Type A, plan it all out, revise, analyze, criticize and then analyze all over again. Cute huh?

My napping skills are well known by my friends. I can sleep on and off all day and still not have any issues when it comes time to go to sleep. I had some major sleep issues back in January as it was getting closer to move. I was stressed, sad and anxious.

With a bit of help, I was able to get some sleep and get back into the habit. It creeps up from time to time now but I know how to manage it now and have not let it get into weeks of not sleeping soundly.

This past week I have been having a bit of trouble getting to sleep and staying up way past my bedtime. The problem is I am not stressed about anything. The problem (if you can call it that) is that I am happy, content and like a child who was just told they are going to Disney World, I just can’t wait until the next day.

It is funny how I have had the issue of having my space, my time, etc. and I could care less about it now. I even wrote an entry yesterday evening while he was with me, sitting on the couch, enjoying jammy day. I feel comfortable around him.

And yes, this all still scares the crap out of me because I don’t have a crystal ball that will tell me exactly how this will go. I can’t go to the last couple of pages of the book and skim over it just so I know what will happen. And that is where my brain goes crazy.And this is also where he starts to question exactly how sane I am.

As most things that I try to plan, I tend to bumble them up quite a bit. Today was jammy day, a day of tv watching, naps and just being lazy was on the agenda with Chandler. This was also the beginning of our little deal we made earlier in the week for him to watch SATC and for me to watch Dexter.

Apparently when I moved back in January (with the movers packing everything) I have misplaced the first and fifth seasons of the series. I have looked a few places and even have one theory which he denies. I think that he hid the DVDs in an effort to not have to watch them. Tomorrow I will dig deeper and see where in the world they could have gone to because this is quite frustrating. And if you haven’t heard from me by Monday or Tuesday can you send someone over to see if I am buried under the crap that I own?

But I will admit, I am enjoying Dexter. A bit strange but well paced show and Dexter is a cutie. Just don’t tell him that since he likes it when he is right. And well, I am always right. . .

Last night we went to see Harry Potter, it was great and I cannot wait for the second part. Before we left for the theater he gave me a Peanuts coloring book and I think that is one of the sweetest gestures ever. I have been coloring some today while watching football. He also was kind enough to help put my tree together. There are some places where the lights are not currently on, so I will have to restring some lights but at least the sucker is up.

No one likes to be compared to the other’s exes but I think that through the years I have been able to at least better my situation with each failed relationship. I have learned lessons and also seen the red flags that I should have seen long before I did. I have also learned a lot about myself.

It isn’t about fixing the person or creating a Ken doll to schlep around town with you. It is about sitting in your jammies, watching tv, laughing and being able to have a conversation, to be comfortable with the other person hanging around. I can be difficult to deal with, I also can have issues with sharing my time but as of right now, I can say that it seems to come very easily with him.

I guess I am growing up a bit but I am not sure if I can compare to a McRib. . . yeah, I don’t get it either.

After the hula hoop incident from this past spring, I was advised to have an MRI for my neck. Random no? I have freakishly strong reflexes when tested. I would like to say that this must be some part of my super hero powers but I am doubting that. More than likely, it is yet another quirk that I can add to my unique self.

I wasn’t planning on hitting my deductible this year but after my stint in rehab for my calf. . .well, getting the MRI at this point would be like me buying gum at Target. Cheap. So today I went and did that after work.

But with all the control freak planning I do I did not realize until yesterday that I was taking my last Paxil. And let’s just say yesterday was not the day to run by and pick up my script. So I went sans medication for that little panic attack thing that I have and got to spend quality time with myself in a tube.

I did get to don the oh so fashionable hospital gown this afternoon but this was the new and improved hospital gown. This one prevents one’s backside from making an unwanted appearance. Once I got settled onto what has to be the most uncomfortable table the tech put the ear plugs in, gave me a panic button and got me all situated before heading off to take all kinds of pictures of my neck.

As I was traveling into the tube I decided that it would be best to keep my eyes closed. I tried to daydream or even nod off but the noise was loud, even with ear plugs. I thought about my plans for this weekend, Harry Potter in a short 24 hours and then it hit. I was starving. Yep, when ever I have a medical procedure done all I think about is food.

I opened my eyes a few times in the tube but managed not to freak out. It was nice and cool in there and while I felt like I was in there for what seemed like hours, it was over before I knew it. My neck, while it hasn’t really bothered me was a bit stiff once I was brought back out. Laying still isn’t one of my strong suits. . .

I raced out once it was done and headed to get my script and pick up some food. Chandler kindly reminded me that I was to rearrange my furniture before the tree comes out, so I did that while watching A Charlie Thanksgiving on DVD.

But that time in the tube gave me time to think about everything because, well, I am a girl. And if I can’t over analyze every single thing from the Sonic Diet Cherry Coke that I didn’t get this morning to world peace then what am I supposed to do? So I thought and thought and thought some more.

Hmm, Harry Potter tomorrow night! Yayyyy! Jammy day on Saturday, yayyyy! Potential kudzu growing near me. . .yeah, kind of like that, not going to lie. And I would venture a guess that this surprises all parties involved.

So now I am tired, my neck hurts (staying still is hard work people) and the cat is snoozing away while I type away on the laptop. At least I am not laying in that stupid tube anymore, I might have ended up at the funny farm had it taken longer. . .

Editors note: no one was coerced into the agreement that was made just a bit ago, on my couch. Also, no animals were hurt while “discussing” the arrangement of said deal.

Chandler stopped by after I got off of work today to visit before his rocking night with friends playing Rock Band. We were talking about various movies when a commercial for Love and Other Drugs came on the tv. He kind of mocked me when he asked if I wanted to see that. Of course I would like to but more than likely it will be on my list of ones to watch when it comes out on DVD or HBO.

This leads to the debate about different genres of movies when I remember that I have now watched two films that he suggested and loved versus my one that we have watched. Umm, not adding up is it? So after an intense debate which led to me raising my voice and attempting to teach him about math, he finally agreed that it doesn’t matter if I like the movie or not, it is about who suggests what and that it should be even.

And then he started on about Dexter and I kind of got glassy eyed (not really) and offered up that I would watch his show if he would watch. . . SEX AND THE CITY (all six seasons plus the two movies). I could see the fear in his eyes, his brain whirling like a hamster hoped up on speed on his little wheel and he tried to come up with an alternative.

It didn’t work. We shook on it and currently I think he is trying to come up with a really good excuse to bail. But sorry Chanedler Bong, you will be watching my series! And here comes the Snoopy dance (I waited until he left to perform it). And I will be watching yours. If I have nightmares, it will all be on your head.

And Mater–I was told about circle time. Cute. You two crack me up.

 

I will admit it, I love them. At one point I had them up in my bedroom and spent more time in there because it just seemed so, sigh, happy. My obsession had to have started when I was little.

I remember when I was little, leaving Granny and Popa’s house, driving back up to the Missionary Ridge Tunnel and looking out on the lights in downtown twinkling. And I think that is where my love of big cities come from since the bigger the city, the more lights you can see.

It takes me back to my childhood when everything was innocent and carefree. I had yet to make the many mistakes I have made. So with each visit to NYC I take in a ride up to the top of the Empire State Building at night just to enjoy the peace and quiet while looking out over the city.

I now have finally, after what seems like years of saying I would, hung lights on my deck. I Googled the whole indoor/outdoor lights thing and have yet to find an answer as to why they don’t shock me if I touch them while wet. But I will continue my Google frenzy because now I just want to know.

This Friday, after I go see Harry Potter with Chandler, we are throwing my tree together. No ornaments yet but seeing as I am going home for a visit during Thanksgiving, I want to give myself a head start in getting everything out. Last year I forced myself to get the tree up but this year, I am going to and be thankful for all that I have. And the poor guy who volunteered to help me will get to see my anal retentive, control freak nature come out while I obsess with the amount of twinkle lights the thing has on it.

The poor tree has been through the ringer. Wookie, love of my life, has kindly chewed through many of the lower strands of my very nice, very expensive pre lit tree. So each year I must add more strands to it to make it light up the way I want it to.

And as a final update on my Harry Potter reread. I finished this past weekend. Could have started a week later than I did but hey, it is all good! Now I am waiting for Friday! I am so freaking excited it is not even funny.

Now I am off to stare at my twinkle lights some more before going to bed. I set a goal of hitting the sack by 9:30 at the latest. I got to bed late last night and am paying for it now.

As a thirty something, never been married girl I have gotten into a routine. It is filled with lots of me time, clothes on the floor and cereal for dinner. The crap on the floor gets picked up when I finally can no longer stand it. Leftovers and takeout are also a well known go to when it comes to dinner.

The boy, when we were dating, mentioned that he was set in his ways. He was a bit surprised when I said I understood seeing as how neither of us had been married. I am very protective of my me time. I need that downtime to recharge, deal with whatever and have quality time with Wookie.

It hit me the other night that I am a confirmed bacherlorette. It isn’t that I don’t want to get married and have kids; it all comes down to I have been on my own for quite some time. Sharing my time freaks me out; it is a power struggle in terms of trying to see someone new.

Then if I peel a few more layers back, it all comes down to what has happened in my past. Can I let go of my control freak nature in order to let someone in? If I let someone in, can I handle it and still focus on the goals that I have? Trusting someone enough to allow them into my life scares the crap out of me.

I can hear Bubba’s voice in my head some times and I have to shake my head until it kind of falls out of one of my ears. That voice doesn’t come back as often as it used to but the insecurities that were gained with each failed relationship cause me to pause. The baggage I carry isn’t cute and pretty. It also comes with a heaping side of stubborn. It is as if I am daring someone to try to come into my world.

I remember hearing some friends complain about their boyfriends years ago and joined right in on the guy time. The time where they just want to be guys, watch sports, burp and fart. Well, something that I didn’t realize then was there was also girl time. And here I sit today trying to balance out my me time versus spending time with a guy that has blindsided me.

And I feel for him, because I am not easy to deal with. I have my routine, one that I have done for years now. And with each new guy that comes into my life I feel that internal struggle of trying to open up and let him in.

And while I don’t want to share a whole bunch about this one, I will say this, he makes me laugh, he is sarcastic and he is Chandler. And since I have been accused of being Monica more often than not, well. . . he is sweet and I might just be smitten but I am also scared. Because I know my track record with relationships but I am going to try and not be a total control freak.

And yes, I will cook you a Thanksgiving feast, just give me a few weeks before I bang that one out.

 

As I read my friends’ journals and Facebook statuses, I see lots of mentions about what each of them is thankful for. New jobs, marriages, relationships, children, family; you name it, it has been posted, all in just the first few days of November. I am thankful for my family even if we have spats from time to time. They mean the world to me but my friends, well, they are the loud, dysfunctional family I have never had. Growing up basically an only child, it has been a wonderful experience to grow close to my friends and call them my family.

And when I lived two hours away from my family, those friends were there for me. Through breakups, changing of jobs, Sex and the City and panic attacks. If you were to take a peek into my apartment during one of my Christmas dinner parties, you would think it was one of the craziest looking groups sitting in there. We come from all different walks of life, our beliefs vary as well as our humor but we have one thing in common: we all love each other and have a ball whenever we are together.

So here is just a small list of those friends who became family over the course of the years:

• Robin, aka Bird, the oldest of my friendships, she represents to me many of the qualities that my mom has. We always laugh about it because we are so different. She has been there through thick and thin and now I normally threaten her with me teaching the girls things that she doesn’t ever want them to know
• Stacey, my BFF who has come to my rescue and sat in the ER with me when I finally had a panic attack that I could not manage. She is the epitome of grace and kindness. And with her, I have learned how to do many home improvement projects. Her hubby is the little brother I never had and his taunts remind me why it is kind of good to be the only kid!
• Marti, aka The Queen, not only has she taken care of me after surgery, she has helped me along the way in terms of wanting and acquiring all things Tiffany! I have mastered the whine from her and why Spanxs are a must in terms of dressing. But she has also given me a friendship that makes me squeal in excitement and reminds me that you are never to old to love on your friends.
• Amy, aka my twin, no matter where we go, we cause chaos. Never full of grace, we tend to walk into walls, trip over carpet and we both laugh incessantly when the other gets injured; not in a cruel way but in the way of, “yep, I could so do that to!” She had the daunting task of listening to me go on and on about food the day of my surgery. As well as trying to explain it all to me while I was higher than a kite. Thanks for the cherry popsicles!
• The Marketing Ladies ~ with all the hen pecking you all do, well, it is a wonder I am still here! Thanks for the laughs, the lectures as well as letting me share with you some of the not printable on this blog kind of stuff. And thanks for the wild weekend that you spent with me. My cat, my apartment nor my neighbors will be the same!
• Sonia! We were bonded as sisters the day I joined the sorority and I am so glad I did it. I always love hearing whatever it is you are going to say because more than likely it will be shocking. And I cannot wait to meet your little one this spring. And thank you for the line, “I’m not going to lie. . . ” because it is a great little line to use when I am going for the comedy bit in my life.

There are plenty others but this little group has become a fun little family to be around. You laugh at my jokes, we laugh at my love life and because we are all so different, I, at least learn so much from each of you.

So an early Happy Thanksgiving to my friends, you all have made an impact on my life and I thank you. Thank you for putting up with me and if Sonia is correct, I will continue to cook for you if that means you will stick around!

I have, for quite some time, been really bad about multitasking. It is a great ability to have (my former boss would try and try only to end up with typos out the wazoo, he has never mastered it) but at times it can also be a determinant.

If I am watching tv, I am either surfing the net, reading a book or a magazine. It takes a lot for me to just stop and actually direct my attention 100% to the show I have on. But this weekend proved that maybe multitasking shouldn’t be done at all times.

I am in the process of rereading all the Harry Potter books (just started Year Seven) and decided I needed to watch the movies again as well. Apparently my brain cannot take reading say, Year Six while watching the first movie. I kept getting all the plots mixed up, forgetting what I was reading or thinking that a scene from a much later movie. Umm, yeah, need to take a step back I think.

So I have watched the first five movies again, taking a break from reading the books since I know that I can read the last book quickly enough with the 12 days I have left until the movie.

But it did get me to stop and think about why I am always doing about ten things at once. I am not sure where this little habit came from but trying to break the habit, at least some of the time is difficult. It has helped in my professional work, I tend to do several tasks at the same time, effectively parring my to do list in a very timely fashion. I will cook and talk on the phone without thinking twice about it and have been known to read and watch football at the same time since, hey, it gets things done. They even have a nifty channel called Red Zone that allows me to watch all the games at once. That is a dream come true! And cheaper than sitting in a bar all day catching all of the games.

But I have been known to be at the boy’s place a few years ago, watching a game, reading and talking to him. Is that quality time spent together? Or is it my way of getting everything done that I want to get done in one swoop? I am going with the latter and I blame my brain on this. I know that having your brain on at full speed 99% of the time is tiring and probably why I love my naps on the weekends. I also know that running this fast is yet another reason why it is so difficult for me to get to sleep at night and the cause of waking up at some point only to realize I should be sleeping instead of thinking about whatever is on my brain.

My former boss and I used to laugh about the ideas we would get, always while we were in the shower (not together people). It seems to me that I allow myself that time to let my mind wander through things. Good, bad, dramatic and the like. Whatever is really heavy on my heart or brain, gets analyzed there and I can come up with an all together new to do list of things that need to be done.

And this my friends, along with getting older, is the main reason why I am always tired. And then I add on the whole, I am just a family of one (plus the cat) so how in the world could I handle a spouse and kids?! After living on my own for so long it makes me question my ability to have a normal, loving relationship. I like to do things my way, I have things I like to do and there are nights when I simply say screw it, napping at 5 in the evening sounds delightful so I am going to do it! I don’t have to worry if there is no milk in the fridge or what’s for dinner. But then I hear my friends talking about their families and well, I long for that.

So I think I will at least try to slow down in order to keep myself from making arrangements to crazy house. Because just as I am writing this I am pondering a number of things and realize that yep, I am doing it again. Cannot focus on one thought at a time. And my friends wonder why I am single? Ha! I could give them a list but I won’t because that ADD thing is something I am trying to hide.