As a thirty something, never been married girl I have gotten into a routine. It is filled with lots of me time, clothes on the floor and cereal for dinner. The crap on the floor gets picked up when I finally can no longer stand it. Leftovers and takeout are also a well known go to when it comes to dinner.
The boy, when we were dating, mentioned that he was set in his ways. He was a bit surprised when I said I understood seeing as how neither of us had been married. I am very protective of my me time. I need that downtime to recharge, deal with whatever and have quality time with Wookie.
It hit me the other night that I am a confirmed bacherlorette. It isn’t that I don’t want to get married and have kids; it all comes down to I have been on my own for quite some time. Sharing my time freaks me out; it is a power struggle in terms of trying to see someone new.
Then if I peel a few more layers back, it all comes down to what has happened in my past. Can I let go of my control freak nature in order to let someone in? If I let someone in, can I handle it and still focus on the goals that I have? Trusting someone enough to allow them into my life scares the crap out of me.
I can hear Bubba’s voice in my head some times and I have to shake my head until it kind of falls out of one of my ears. That voice doesn’t come back as often as it used to but the insecurities that were gained with each failed relationship cause me to pause. The baggage I carry isn’t cute and pretty. It also comes with a heaping side of stubborn. It is as if I am daring someone to try to come into my world.
I remember hearing some friends complain about their boyfriends years ago and joined right in on the guy time. The time where they just want to be guys, watch sports, burp and fart. Well, something that I didn’t realize then was there was also girl time. And here I sit today trying to balance out my me time versus spending time with a guy that has blindsided me.
And I feel for him, because I am not easy to deal with. I have my routine, one that I have done for years now. And with each new guy that comes into my life I feel that internal struggle of trying to open up and let him in.
And while I don’t want to share a whole bunch about this one, I will say this, he makes me laugh, he is sarcastic and he is Chandler. And since I have been accused of being Monica more often than not, well. . . he is sweet and I might just be smitten but I am also scared. Because I know my track record with relationships but I am going to try and not be a total control freak.
And yes, I will cook you a Thanksgiving feast, just give me a few weeks before I bang that one out.