Letting Go


There are times in your life where you have been hurt, it could have been from a family member, a friend or someone that you once loved. Your support system rallies behind you in an effort to get back up and move on with life. They point out the wrongs, they make you laugh and from time to time, they just sit with you while you have a cry.

Bubba clearly had earned my hostility years ago when we finally, for the very last time split up. For the longest time I held onto the hurt and wouldn’t even utter his name. I had a new name for him, one that my friends knew and even used. . . dip shit. And then I started to let go of the anger, the resentment and the hurt when he started sending me Christmas cards. It was his way of admitting that we were not good for each other and that the hurt was caused by him.

By the time Jorge up and dumped me I began to get a bit of perspective in terms of Bubba. I eventually contacted him and the rest is history. He apologized and we became friends, good friends. And after the shock wore off of my friends, he came into that circle and was there for me when I fell down.

Jorge and the surprise breakup of 2006 was a completely different situation. I refused to say anything bad about him. I was devastated. And there was really no explanation as to why he decided to leave. I was left with most of his crap at my place and forced to do what he refused to do, collect it and take it to his place. This took about a month and I was livid about having to see his stuff laying around. He wanted to send a mutual friend to clean up his mess but I thought that was the easy way out.

He was the first guy I actually really loved and looking back, that wasn’t the complete, everything is wonderful and I can’t stop smiling kind of love. It was love but not intense. We got into a routine and did that for two and a half years. He clearly wasn’t that in love with me but never felt like it was something to discuss. I was yearning for a more solid commitment and it never came. I also refused to look at the red flags that were there.

There were times since our split where I was angry with him but it never lasted long. I held out hope that he would come back. But I finally saw the writing on the wall and began to let it go. I might have moments where I still might say something not so kind but I think it comes from that place in your heart where you just want answers. I could learn from those mistakes and move forward. I took what little knowledge I had about the failed relationship, made notes and when I felt like I could really move on, I began to search for a new relationship.

And this is where I went wrong. I had some fun, challenged myself to be more transparent in future relationships but I was still trying to make a relationship happen. I met the boy online and while we did get along great, there was something that wasn’t quite right. I would be at his place and be itching to get home. I missed him when either one of us was out of town but it wasn’t really missing him. I didn’t talk to him all the time when we were apart, I just kept up my routine of being single.

I didn’t think I had learned that much from the boy, in terms of relationships but after just recently settling into my single life in a new city I was blindsided by Chandler. And now I get it. I get why my friends are all about spending time with their other half. I became that person that spent a majority of my time out of town last week talking to him. And I couldn’t wait to get back here to see him.

As Stacey’s husband teased me Saturday morning I finally had to fess up that I was excited to get home, not to Nashville but to Chattanooga. And all those past hurts from guys faded away. I just didn’t care anymore. And I found someone when I wasn’t even looking, just like they all said I would.

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