Things I Should Never Do Myself. . .


As I have mentioned before, there are a few things I am good at, like cooking and writing, even being funny. BUT there are some things that I should always leave to the professionals or end up looking like a fool.

Manis and Pedis~okay ladies, we all love to be pampered right? A big, fat yes sir is the answer! But on the more economical side of things, there are women out there that prefer to take care of their hands and tootsies themselves. Especially when the economy is still dragging, spending the cash for this pampered treatment can fall to the side.

Me? Well I kind of failed the whole color neatly, cut straight lines in kindergarten so I think we all know that doing my own nails tends to look like someone hacked at them with a knife and a paint brush ten sizes too big. I am a disaster at doing my toes, the polish gets on the nails but also gets on the skin and I then take the approach of it will wash off in a few days. . .meet Messy Martha! I only get manis on very special occasions, if that, because I am a klutz and the chipped look is so wrong. If I trim my toenails then I end up cutting them too short and my Flintstone feet look even worse than normal.

Hair color~due to genetics I lucked out and kept my blonde hair once I hit puberty. Mom’s turned in junior high to brown and Dad’s hair (what is left of it) is still blonde, blonder than mine. So many years ago I began to get my hair highlighted. Most of the time I can manage a trip to the salon once a year, sometimes longer (depending on how long I spend at the pool during the summer) for this little lift of color. My hair is still blonde yet to me it looks brown and a dull brown at that.

When I was very poor, right out of college, I took drastic measures and opted to do it myself. Box color does not work that well on me. First, a little secret I learned from a stylist years ago, my hair takes the color so well that I don’t need it to stay on that long. Second, that brassy, yellow color? Not a pretty look for my skin tone. Third, if I can butcher my nails what do you think the outcome is when I try doing my hair?

Unfortunately I thought that with some advancements in the box colors, the new highlighting kits and all those great reviews in magazines equaled easy, peasey, even I can’t screw this up color. I was wrong. . .I am not capable of separating out my hair to highlight. I get antsy and then ready to move on to something else. I learned this on Super Bowl Sunday. I wanted to refresh my hair and look extra special for Chandler. I am now sporting some bleached out spots on my roots at the crown. Nice huh? He laughed.

Waxing~my brows are light but I have issues with their unruly way so I get them waxed. Not too often but I like to get them done from time to time and feel all put together. I tried once at home to do it, with wax. I was pulling wax out of my brows for a week. Speaking of pulling out wax, I even tried the bikini wax one summer. I have had it done professionally in the past, but in an effort to save money one summer I tried the at home kits.

Ladies, this is not for the faint of heart. Once you get that stuff on, down there, you have to rip it off. I counted, I tried to be one with the sheet, I even tried to get into the mindset of the pro but try as I may I couldn’t just pull it off. I kept gently trying to take it off. Do you see the problem? If you pull gently the hair doesn’t come off. It was a disaster and my panties stuck in places for a week thereafter. So I went back to shaving which causes its own problems, so I have learned to discretely scratch when it starts to grow back and I haven’t groomed.

Housekeeping~I am Pig Pen. I am a messy person, thankfully friends still love me (that is why I cook for them as often as I can). I pick up when it gets bad, I move dishes from the sink to the dishwasher back to the sink (because honestly, half the time I fail to unload the stupid thing). I do this with clothes too. The dust stacks up until I can’t take it anymore and then I move it around as well. Vacuuming? Only when there is dirt, fur and leftover cat puke do I use it and I have a really nice, expensive vacuum cleaner that I love but I hate to do it. So cleaning ends up looking like a mess when I get done and then that makes me question why I even attempt the tasks. One of these days I will have money to pay for someone else to clean. Not weekly, hell, I would be thrilled if it was only once a month!

But I am good at whipping up dinner, I can be funny, I can write and dammit, if any one of my friends need me in the middle of the night, I am there to care for them. I will even wipe the snot off of your face onto my shirt if I don’t have a tissue. Cause that is the love I have for you, just don’t ask me to clean or anything else from my list. You might just live to regret it.

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