P!ink’s song, F@@@in Perfect at the moment. Music has always been one of my escapists routes when I was bored, lonely, sad, happy, you name it, I have found a song that just speaks to me at different phases of my life.
As someone who likes to write (not songs, so not capable of that rhyming thing), music can transport my thoughts to another time. Like senior year of high school, Under the Bridge (at least I think that is the title). That stupid song haunted me, made me think of what I had messed up in my life and losing someone that I thought at the time I was in love with, and yet that song, even now can take me back to those feelings, those memories.
I am not sure when humor became my coping mechanism, but as I was talking to Stace a few weeks ago about my crazy life, I mentioned that I tend to make everything funny, no matter how bad the situation may have been or even embarrassing. I laugh at myself and how sometimes I just don’t learn the lesson with one go around, it normally takes a few times for me to get “it.”
But this new song speaks to me and I hope to others about those silly little voices in our heads. This maybe more of a female thing, but I think as a gender, we tend to beat ourselves up over everything. Our hair, our outfits, our bodies, our lives as a whole. I know that some people don’t get this or probably think I should book a room at the closet mental facility but those voices can do real harm.
If I gave myself a dollar for each negative thought that I hear myself saying (mostly in my head, sometimes I have been known to give myself a good talking to at the mirror), I would probably have enough money to pay off my student loans, buy a house and even take a very nice vacation to somewhere tropical. And I really should start fining myself when I do this but gas has gone up so that won’t be happening anytime soon.
I know I don’t need to be perfect but it is frustrating that I can be so hard on myself. It also doesn’t help when that holiday weight attacked me very hard this year and I always feel icky when I get dressed. I should have started exercising, I should have pushed the chocolate away from me, I should have skipped seconds and thirds. . .
Yeah, it can get ugly when we (general we) stop to think about our choices and realize that sometimes we are our own worst enemies. To me, it doesn’t matter if my boyfriend doesn’t mind the fat rolls, I know my cat doesn’t mind either. It comes down to me feeling gluttonous and greedy.
In an effort to live up to the words of this particular song, I have started (again) to workout. This time I am doing it through Wii Active and have found that these little 20 minute routines keep me focused and I can’t use the excuse of the weather or any other excuse I can find not to exercise.
For me, my mental health and those crazy little voices, tend to quiet down once I am feeling better in my own skin. And I have several outfits that I would love to wear but at the moment can’t get on, so using that as a goal makes me want to work at this. It all goes back to how I look, while I know that there is beauty in everyone, it is more important what you might think when you take a look in the mirror.
Those extra chins and back fat make me uneasy and mad. I am so mad at myself for shoving food down my throat, without a care in the world. I am hoping that I can keep it up this time because this is one thing that allows me to tear myself apart, ten fold.
And I would love to get back to circa 2006 when I was quite skinny but I also know that I really don’t have the focus for that. Right now I would just like to get back into my size ten pants. . .oh and the madras dress that I had to rock as a long top last summer. My ass made it impossible (and possibly illegal) for me to wear it as a dress.