I remember in high school the urge to be the same as others. I wanted to look the same, act the same and treated the same. I picked out a really cool backpack from Benetton and even some clothes. Laura Ashley dresses, yep had some of those too. I longed to be a part of the cool kid’s table. To be invited out to their parties, to be accepted my them.
I never was and while there were moments where I was convinced I did not have a friend in the world; I soon discovered that it didn’t matter so much. I had friends, friends that if you put us in a line up together, you would wonder what connected us. But we found our little group was good. We laughed, shared stories and dreamed about what life would be like after high school.
I somehow managed to go to two proms my senior year; which only happens when the guy you are dating goes to the rival high school. I think I enjoyed his prom more than mine. Of course my graduation present from him was ending the relationship, something that could have been dealt with a bit better. My night of graduation consisted of begging for another chance, ugly cries and soon, curled up in my bed, sobbing on the phone with a friend.
Junior college was a bit different. Somehow I got noticed and got lucky. I wrote for our school newspaper and then by default ended up editing the thing. It was a challenge but all of the sudden I was standing out because I took control of a paper and my name got out there. I was a member of homecoming court (seriously, this is one of the funnier things that happened, me? on court? So not me.) A friend was my escort and as the Queen was crowned, I breathed a sigh of relief. Never fitting into the mold meant that I had ducked (even if it was really a miniscule chance) becoming Queen. But I noticed someone there, someone that had hit a nerve, He drove a red Miata and his tag was his last name. Bit flashy for me. . .
We dated, learned about each other and even about how life is supposed to go. I was fitting in, on the verge of going away to college. I made a tough decision to let the guy go not because I didn’t love him but because for the first time in my life, I would be moving to a new town, my parents wouldn’t be there and I was ready to spread my wings and fly.
That was 1995 and in those 16 years I have found that I am someone who prefers to melt back into the scenery. I love to come up with ideas, share them, implement them but overall, I want to be behind the scenes because standing out scares me. I have my own style, my own humor and the need to nice to everyone.
I think this feeling drives my need to be in a larger city, you aren’t noticed, you can take in the day, learn so much yet there isn’t someone there saying, Oh I know this girl.
At times I feel like a failure in terms of money, career, family, friends and that one special person that according to last week’s fortune cookie, I am deserving of this great love.
While I want to have that love in my life, I also know that I am tired of disappointment, false hope and a whole lot thrown in just for fun. I remember the boy spouting off that is has always been me, that I am the one for him, that he loves me. He also called back the following day, sharing that he might have had a little too much to drink, he needs some time to wrap his head around it, etc. and for me not to get too excited. I wasn’t all that thrilled with his announcement the next day but what got me was I didn’t need to get too excited.
Living the life I have lived so far, that is one thing that I can guarantee, the boy has been up and down for over a year now. And the fact that my feelings are about blah at this time must mean that I could care less anymore. If his actions spoke louder than his words I would work up some excitement.
Working on me has been my goal for quite sometime. I want to lose weight so I can sound crazy when I say I look fat. I want to continue writing, pulling from the depths of me in hopes that I learn something new. And I also want to figure out how to stand out, even if it is just for a moment, without the desire to puke everywhere. This brain was built for the behind the scenes, not on the stage to shine.
I want to prove to myself that there really is someone out there that wants to be with me, through thick and thin. That understands me, encourages me and makes me laugh,
But right now, I morn the loss of a great friend/boyfriend, Chandler let me see that even I deserved all of this and more. But I have a feeling I just wasn’t strong of enough to carry us both through the crappy stuff. I think about him often but know that is was the right decision.
And maybe, one of these days I will be able to stand out and shine, even for just a brief moment. Maybe it will touch the lives of other young girls who are convinced that those true moments of love and happiness are just pipe dreams but see that they do come true.
Stumbling Through Life 