Tuesday Randomness

Well, well, well, hello Tuesday and can I say thank you for allowing me not to be in too much, over the top pain this morning? Let me do a little Snoopy dance for everyone while I work out the stiff muscles.

  • It seems my life now revolves around aches and pains, and I fully blame my trainer for this. . .
  • I was talking to my twin today when I asked her if she would carry me around when I am up in Nashville a few weeks from now, she said the chances of destroying businesses and falling would increase dramatically.
  • I asked her if there was a special event insurance coverage we could take out for the day, sadly I really think there is such a thing
  • The Queen is sick, as in, she is actually at home resting, not running around like a crazy person
  • This almost never happens, she is more like a watch that takes a beating and keeps on ticking
  • I had her in stitches last night discussing my hurt tush as well as the normal pain from working out, she laughed while begging me to stop. She then promptly coughed up a lung.
  • She also paid me one of the best compliments in the world, apparently Kristen Bell is on a Showtime show and her character reminds the Queen of ME!
  • I didn’t pay her to say that either. . .
  • I had to fess up that my toes are looking kind of sad and she begged me to not send her a picture. . . yes I have sent many a nasty looking foot picture in the past.
  • I got to love on a brand new baby this evening, my sweet neighbor finally had her little boy! He is a cutie and man, his sisters are all about him. . .
  • I seemed to have gained a couple of pounds back but I am hoping that is the muscles being built up and the fat going away
  • Wookie has taken being the baby to new levels, this morning he sat by the bed waiting for me to pick him up and put him on there before I left for work
  • This could be why I don’t have kids, if I can let a little grey monster dictate my life I don’t need munchkins!
  • Mom has her Darth Vadar machine now, otherwise known as a CPAP. Apparently the cat that I still maintain doesn’t really exist checks on her throughout the night.
  • A few weeks ago I picked up some Cornish Game Hens for dad, since then he has harassed me about them. I finally got them to their house, along with a ton of peanut butter and coffee.
  • Tomorrow is another personal training day, oh dear, I hope I can make it through it!
  • Although I am loving the whole, “Rest the next day,” instructions, yes sir! I will not work out!

And now I must get ready and hit the hay. I guess working out hard has helped with the whole sleeping thing. And I have to start drinking a lot more water because I have been slacking.

The One Where I Fall on My Tush

Why yes, if there is a way to harm myself, I seem to find it. This time, thankfully, it was a graceful fall, per my trainer who I am still convinced is quite evil. The gym was packed today and we kept to one area while doing a portion of my session.

I was doing what I guess you would call some type of squat. I start by laying on the mat, do a crunch, grab the bar and stand up. The whole point of this exercise is to strengthen my tummy and legs. I get through two of them and my trainer is saying, good job, great form! Yeah! I am doing something right!

Unfortunately number three was when the bar popped up and I landed firmly on my tush. He did compliment me saying that had I not yelped in shock it would have looked like I hadn’t fallen. I may have an ample tush but that little fall hurt.

I am really liking the whole hiring a trainer although it takes days for me to feel normal again. My walk looks all kinds of wonky and no matter how hard I try, I tend to flop onto the toilet seat because my legs are killing me.

Oh and I smell like an old man. For those that know me, I have a serious soft spot for little old men. I think they are adorable. But let’s just say that the scent of Icy Hot is not one of my favorite things to smell. I got desperate last Thursday evening after hurting so bad that even ibuprofen wasn’t helping and picked up a bottle of that stuff. It doesn’t mesh well with Amazing Grace by Philosophy. Just saying.

The rest of the workout went smoothly until I told him I was thinking not so nice things about him. Thank goodness this kid has a sense of humor. After the torture of the treadmill (with an incline of 13, seriously, that is just wrong) he had me hit the elliptical for seven minutes. He even got on the one next to me and we watched Tim Tebow say he was excited about playing for the Jets 45 times. I asked him if he thought Tebow was excited and then figured it might have been his word for the day.

Now I am off to basically bathe in the Icy Hot and pray that I can walk tomorrow. Or be able to lift Wookie to the bed without dropping him tonight. All I can say is, I can’t wait to start seeing some results because this has to be one of the most sadistic ways I have spent money, ever.

Tuesday Randomness

If you heard crying last night, it was probably coming from my direction. Funny how gaining weight isn’t painful but losing it is beyond painful. Another Tuesday and while I am wishing for a massage and someone to carry my stuff everywhere, I will work through the pain of typing because it is time for more randomness. . .

  • First personal training session done and let’s just say that while my trainer said I did a good job I feel like I failed all my tests yesterday.
  • I remember the Presidential Fitness test thing we had to do in school, I remember barely getting the minimum number of pull ups to past that portion. . .my upper body strength never improved since then. Let’s just say that by number 36 of my pushups I went face first into the mat. He gave me number 37.
  • I hate pushups, pullups and the rope climbing drill.
  • I may have a food baby (that is getting smaller by the week, THANK GOODNESS!) but I can do crunches all day long, do not ask my why I can manage that. . .
  • The air conditioner was not working at the Y yesterday which made for a really interesting workout
  • Have I ever mentioned how my face turns beet red when I do any type of physical activity? I was rocking the super red face with pink shirt yesterday. . .
  • Need to stick with grey shirts, pink and red do not work well together
  • Some girls may glisten but I all out sweat, pouring buckets, it really is a great look on me
  • I finished rereading The Hunger Games and now I am onto the second book, can’t wait to see the movie
  • Thanks to my mommy, I got an Amazon gift card last week. I love getting Amazon boxes on my doorstep. And it is all thanks to still believing in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Leprechaun and even the Daylight Savings Time Fairy! Dude, I will keep on believing just so I can get those little surprises, I have no shame.
  • My arms still feel like jello, I am hoping to have some stabilization by the weekend, who cares if I collapse on my face several times tomorrow during my next session?
  • I passed out last night at ten, woke up at some point really early this morning with a grey furball sprawled over me. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
  • Speaking of the Wookster, I washed my sheets and comforter this past weekend. I am now the proud owner of ten fur kittens. He is a short haired, how is this possible?
  • Last week he was treated to deck time while I brushed him, I think I managed to get at least five fur kittens then.
  • After having Pollo Caprese at Macaroni Grill last week I made my own version of it Sunday. Let’s just say I rocked it out.
  • I was laughing with my twin today about the Great Surgery of 2009. Poor thing had to listen to me yap about food the whole time she was around. To be fair, I was going on day two of no food and dog food would have sounded good.
  • And yes, when I was little I told my mom I was so hungry that I would eat dog food. I did, well, I spit it out as quickly as I bit into it. I will never live that down.
  • I have this issue with the trucks that carry all the live chickens crammed on it. Chandler had the same issue. Last week I was rolling down the interstate, kept seeing white things float by and then realized it was a chicken truck producing the white things (um, feathers). I started laughing, looked up through my sunroof and said, “Thanks Chandler!!!”
  • And that is why I only by the organic, free range chicken now, it makes me sad to see the chicken truck.

Well, tomorrow is another training day for me, let’s hope I can raise my arms when my trainer is done with me. And if you happen to see a very red faced blonde, don’t panic, that part is normal. Just open the doors for her and offer to carry her crap to the car.

The One Where I Tell You My Weight

Well, of I wasn’t convinced before that the dating pool is merely a shallow puddle, I am about to make it so and possibly make it one tiny little drop of rain. Deep breathes people. . .

At the end of the summer last year I was floating around 215/225. I knew that for my health I had to do something. So I joined the Y, got started on a routine and kept going. I had a few stumbles along the way, like everyone. But I also knew that I had to deal with that was at the core of my health issues. Clothes not fitting, feet swelling, sweating when all I was doing was running through the mall.

I was a mess and that kept me moving forward. Really working out on the elliptical, lifting weights and trying to control what I put in my mouth. It’s a hard road to go down because there is no workout buddy with you, there are days that after working on something so difficult at work, the last thing you want to do is hit the gym.

The boy offered up an incentive which helped a bit but it seemed like nothing was working. Am I supposed to be this fat forever???? Will there be anyone who can see past the fat to really see me? Plus, I want to maybe side swipe the health issues my parents have so I don’t have to deal with them. I’ll keep the anxiety if all the other stuff will stay away from me.

At my last checkup I was convinced that my thyroid had finally met it’s match. Wonky thyroids are all over both sides of my family. Maybe this little organ is causing all of my issues. Nope because that bugger hates me. The doctor didn’t like my cholesterol up, even though it is the good kind that bumps the total over. So I take a pill for that but the surprising point is the meds I have been taking for anxiety. Everyone is anxious about something at one point in their lives. Unfortunately my anxiety stays with me, hanging out waiting to surprise me.  I know how to treat them and I have a back up med I can take when my ways do not work. And those are rarely used.

Unfortunately, Paxil has a couple of side effects that are quite prominent in me. . . one is the unending need for food. I need it, all the time. When we sat down and did the math, I started taking Paxil in August 2007. Best drug ever! Since then we have had to adjust from time to time. I looked at the doctor this time and said, look, I love this drug but I have gained closed to 75 lbs on this, help me.

Long story short, the new meds help with anxiety AND the weight is coming off. Since January I have lost 25 lbs. I am at 190 which still makes me cringe, my self esteem is in the toilet for numerous things and well, the past couple of years have been really tough.

Tomorrow is my first day with the trainer. I told him I need accountability, help, encourangement, a variety of exercises, basically someone controlling me a couple hours a week to ensure that I am doing this. End of summer goal, 60 lbs down by June at least 25 of those 60 gone.

I don’t want to be the skinny bitch. I want to look good, be happy and healthy. I also know that even though I am as tall as the Olson twins I cannot maintain their miniscule weight. Also, I love food.

So Yes, I weighed 215/225 last fall with it coming off slowly, very slowly. Since then I have managed to get 25 off in the new year. I can do this. I can do this. Someone may be carrying up to my apartment though. I am a bit nervous. But bring it on.Cause I am ready for this, ready to reclaim my old clothes.





Tuesday Randomness

What happened to winter? I want my snow!!!! 78* on a Tuesday in early March is not acceptable. . .

  • I am a huge fan of technology, I really am but my office now has the ability to video conference. . .talk about wanting to crawl under your desk! Was not prepared for that this morning!
  • I spent part of the evening with my parents, dinner and shoe shopping. Sadly the shoes were for mom, not me. . .
  • I need to come up with a great present to myself once I lose another 25 pounds. . .clothes? Something from Tiffany’s? Oh the possibilities. . .
  • The kids in my apartment building got wise and got rid of one of the puppies! Yeah! I think they finally realized how much work and money it was going to be for two.
  • I let Wook out on the deck this evening, he promptly snuggled up in the chair and let his nose take in all the wondrous outdoor smells. I worked on trying to get some excess fur off of him.
  • Bird thought it would be a good idea to suggest a two hour Zumba thing for St Patrick’s Day, nice thought but I am thinking no. I am not that coordinated.
  • I believe I am starting my personal training this Thursday. . . please send money to help me pay for this! Just kidding.
  • But if you know of a money tree within a two to three hour drive, let me know, it would be worth the time and gas money.
  • I may not be able to walk Friday but at least I will be a bit closer to getting into those skinny jeans.
  • I could really go for some French food at either Miel or Table 3, in Nashville. . . with cheese, lots of cheese. . .
  • And some tapas, preferably from Jose Andres but at this point I am not picky. . .chorizo, cheese, sangria and paella.
  • I am rereading Kitchen Confidential which is not helping me when it comes to wanting really good food
  • All this talk of food makes me think I should really do three personal training sessions a week, all so I can eat all of that rich, yummy food.
  • Tomorrow I am supposed to finally get my permanent crown, here is hoping that is the case. . .

Now I am going to go and drool over menus to places that are at least a couple hours away from me. Sigh. Maybe I need to hit Atlanta Saturday, IKEA! and a really good restaurant. . .um, Bird, you want to road trip?


I Love Me Some Spanx

First, the last post has all kinds of spelling errors and I apologize, my laptop is acting up and I was using a mini notebook and well, typing isn’t all that easy. While my laptop’s keys do not work (well, a good portion of them) I finally got around to dragging out a spare keyboard so I can actually type without too many errors.

And because I have no shame, a story from a few years ago. . .

The Queen is all about looking smart. Girlfriend is always dressed nicely, accessorized down to the jewelry, shoes and purses. During a golf tournament I was working, we sat chatting with another friend and the topic of Spanx came up. I listened intently as they discussed the finer points up the suck em in pants, nodding and making a mental note that I should get a pair to try. The interesting part about all of this is, when my hose would start to wear and tear, I would cut them off around the thigh area and wear them under skirts. And I had done that since my Ann Taylor days back in the late ’90s.

I hit up Dillards looking for the oh so important, you have to have them Spanx. Unfortunately the sticker shock made me rethink getting them. I would occasionally look at them when at the mall but never did buy them. For my birthday the Queen was ever so nice and spoiled me like she normally does, this time it was in the form of Spanx.

I was down in her office, chatting with her, she gave me my gift and I knew right then and there I had to try them on. Unfortunately I had on tights and realized I would have to take them off, put the Spanx on and then put the tights back on. . .

Having no shame, I stripped down in her office with the door closed and someone standing in front of the section that was glass. I got them to my knees and thought, man, this is going to be great. Those suck em in pants had a different plan though. The Queen had bought what she thought would fit me but as we kept on trying to get them up and over my butt, we realized that they were too small.

The Queen tried to help me from behind, which looked like a bad use of the Heimlich maneuver, we tried me on the floor pulling on them like you might do with really tight jeans, we went with the let’s try to get it all the way up on one leg and then the other and who knows how many other ways.

There was laughter, tears, shaking until we couldn’t contain ourselves; oh and half the women in her department sauntered into her office trying to figure out what in the world was going on. It was a case of the wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall? And all this while my dress is almost over my head, tights laying on the floor and the Spanx being wrestled into submission.

Once we all dried our tears and stopped laughing, I calmly put my tights back on, pulled my dress back down and stuffed the ill fitting Spanx back into the package. I finally got the correct size and am now a card carrying member in the suck em in pants group but. . .

That story has followed me for a few years now, normally when I completely forget about the story, the Queen has someone come up to me and ask about the Spanx story. Carrier reps, coworkers and other offices have heard about me and the day it all went wrong.

But I have no shame and was reminded of that story the other week when I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. She was in the Chattanooga office, we squealed with delight when we saw each other and then she threw out the Spanx story for other ladies to hear.

Thank goodness there are no pictures and while I would kill to weigh what I did then, you still would not have wanted to see that mess.

Oh and just for Monday, since I dislike it so. . . I am now down 25 pounds. It took changing medication to finally get the weight to come off consistently but woo hoo! Come on skinny jeans, get ready because I am working my way down to wear you again. Spanx included.

Living in a Tunnel

I would like to blame most of this foggy living on being sick but there are a few more factors in play. My vacation to DC was supposed to be great, full of food, laughing, talking and sightseeing, Unfortunately I was still sick as a dog. This plays a huge part in terms of wakling around a city with the weather changing every five minutes. I knew that being out in the elements was not a good thing. I paid for it dearly when I finally got back to my apartment.

The boy, while we have many things in common, can let things into his life that consume him. We all have this happen from time to time, It’s just we both needed this vacation, a way to be away from everything and just enjoy. Cool man, his friend that is practically a brother to him has adictions that basically rule his life. It is horible to be trapped in such an adiction. I remember watching Bubba deal with it years ago and it didn’t matter what I said or did, he would stop when he wanted to because no amount of reasoning would convince him that life could be better, different.

In a very un Amy life stance, I began to drown out what the boy was say about his friend or the conversations with his sister and friend. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was more like, put the phone down and take advantage of this great city we are in! Enjoy it! This is our vacation. Sadly, my thoughts on the matter were met with the you don’t understand.

When I learned about Chandler, I was in schoke. I couldn’t believe it, in fact when I dreamed that first night, it was all Chandler talking to me and saying this was all a joke, he wanted to push me out so I didn’t have to deal with it. I went through the maze trying to catch him and reason with him. I finally got up and looked at my phone to confirm that yes, he was gone.

As I tried to talk to the boy about it, he shut down. I don’t know if it was me talking about and reacting about the loss of a great guy I had dated or if he just didn’t have the skill set to deal with me. But I lent an ear and listened to him repeat the latest texts, conference calls, ect about the cool boy. I was once again forced to admit to myself that the boy wouldn’t change, that his drama was first and mine had to fall by the wayside. Frustrating and disappointed is all I can describe the vacation that was supposed to allow both of us to relax and enjoy the city.

I have only had a few true loves in my life, Jorge (thanks for the kick ass diet when you left), the boy (I left him and regretted it, now we dance around the subject adnasuem until I am over it and walk, again) and Chandler who did what he thought he needed by pushing me away.

Looking at 40 barrelling down so quickly I have to do the gut check. Can I be okay on my own? I know I can, I can handle pretty much everything or as dad has always said, you don’t need a man to get far in life. I want one in my life but I don’t need one.

But this tunnel is a pain in my ass. The darkness, the random tears and go over what I have done in the past scream out at me. People joke about the padded rooms and going to a pysch ward but I get it. Sometimes the thoughts in our heads won’t shutup and those are the times you just want peace. I can feel the snotty crude trying to make a comeback and wonder just how long I can live in this tunnel before I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I almost made a rash decision to invite myself up to a freind’s place in Chicago for St Paddy’s Day but knew that price of teh ticket would make me think twice. And running away has never made the situation better. I know others are worse off than me and I should be thankful for what I have in the here and now. But sometimes you just want one good thing to happen to you instead of getting the feeling that no matter what you do, you get knocked down. I really should be about 5’8″ but years of being knock down (some of my own doing) I have shrunk.

I am going to get back on that horse though, I am going to take personal training sessions and I am going to focus on me. I want to get better, feel better and in turn be able to harass my parents into getting healthy. I may have had a shitty few weeks but I can learn from them and move on.

And that my friends is how I am going to get out of this tunnel. I am going to fight it every step of the way and maybe, just maybe through that two piece in my bag and go swimming without a care in the world.

Tuesday Randomness

Oh sweet Tuesday, sometimes you take forever to get here. This post is brought to you by novicane, temps and multiple dental visits.

  • I feel like my life revolves around going to the dentist. What was supposed to be my last visit for a nice long time last month ended up being rescheduled. . . then I forgot about that appointment. Life happened and I finally got back there today only to learn that the lab still messed up my crown. Seriously?
  • I have a brand new temp on the tooth and if the stars align, I hop on one leg while curling my tongue, I just might get the permanent one next week.
  • For good measure, the dentist opted to numb me up to deal with this troublesome tooth. .  .back on the soup diet again.
  • Chattanooga is in love with the roundabout even though most people don’t understand them. I had the pleasure of driving through one that is still an all sides stop last night. Apparently dude in Camry didn’t think he should have to stop, neither did the two cars before him. He didn’t like me laying on the horn but I am a bit like a New York taxi driver, you cut me off, almost hit me or anything that might seem unpleasent to me and I will lay on it until you turn red.
  • We may have found the answer to mom’s health issues and it all has to do with how she sleeps. She took her first sleep study last night and they said it was terrible. I think I shall start calling her Darth Vadar. . .
  • It is great to know that it isn’t her heart but it is scary to think that in just a few short months she went from doing most of the yard work to walking across the house or running errands caused her to feel really out of breath and tired. That is not my mother. In fact, had she been feeling better a few weeks ago I could only imagine how clean she would have gotten my place to look.
  • Changing my meds seems to be working in terms of weight. Currently I have dropped 23 lbs only, umm, let’s see, 50 to 60 more to go. Why can’t my Dyson help me out with this issue. I am also going to through some money at the isse and take on a personal trainer at the Y. I need someone pushing me, yelling at me. I want to be in my little clothes this summer. I have some things to prove to myself.
  • I haven’t been eating a ton due to being sick and that horrible dark hole that is trying to get me to crawl into it. I don’t want to go there but I see myself retreating. Friends, don’t worry, I will get out of the funk, you just have to let me feel it, work through it and accept it.
  • I found the cutest Lilly Pullitzer patchwork dress on ebay that I most have. . . This is going to be the year of cute clothes, no back fat, more writing, visiting Sonia in Baltimire as well as a visit to Chicgao to visit Candy, I may not make a ton of money but I want to get out there, walk around, emerse myself and write. Oh and hit a few restaurants that make me giddy.
  • After we get mom’s breathing/sleeping situation handled, we will then be planning our girls trip down to St Pete. This isn’t my kind of trip, but mommy loves it, Robin loves it and somewhere in the mix of things I am allowed to drink at night.
  • Some mornings I wake up thinking it was all a bad dream and then I remember it wasn’t. I have good days and bad days. It is more about understanding that those feelings buried deep last summer never went away. I miss him. I should have done better than I did.
  • Each day will get a bit better and my pain is so silly compared to his mom and sisters as well as the kids. I pray for them daily,.
  • I talked to Bubba tonight, what a mess he is. Love him but we both joke how we both dodged that bulliet. He’s happy and doing well. I am so proud of him. Of course he lectured me about choices, I highly believe Bubba and Chandler would have had quite a few laughs at my expense.
  • The crude that I have had for over two weeks now, still here, Maybe it could take me to dinner and a movie, send me tullips at work. A girl can dream.

And now I am off to slumber land. Wook deserves and early bedtime and that means Snuggles!

Pulling Up My Big Girl Panties

Or at least I am going to try. I have buried classmates, grandparents and my BFF’s son, each were tough in their own unique ways. The emotions hit you while dealing with the grief but this time, losing Chandler cut to the heart of the matter. I wasn’t prepared for this, nor was I ready for this. And in the back of my head I keep questioning why this is all hitting me so hard. Chandler pushed me away, we hadn’t spoken in quite some time. For once, this wasn’t the lame excuse of it’s not you, it’s me.

A friend who has dealt with cancer and thankfully beat it shared with me last night that when you are the sick one, knowing that time is limited, she felt it was necessary to shut out the people that cared. It is a defense mechanism that makes them want the people they care about to get some time, distance and hopefully while it hurts in the moment, that maybe the pain will not be there when they leave this earth. I completely botched what she shared with me but after speaking with his mom and one of his sisters, I kind of understand.

Would I have preferred to discuss this opening with him and come to some agreement? Yes. I am not angry with him, I am only heartbroken and sad. There is hope in knowing that maybe he realized that I still cared, still loved him and I hope that was what he was feeling. With all of my desire to move back home to Nashville, the one person who could have kept me here was him. I wanted to be a part of his life. I didn’t care about the fancy things nor the fact that he was unhealthy.

Neither of us had planned on this becoming anything more than just friends. But it shocked both of us, it challenged me to think less about myself and just be in the moment with him. We spent nights laying around talking, talking about anything and everything. The past, our mistakes, books, our issues and finally the words that meant so much to me, he would marry me tomorrow. I should have taken him up on that, ran to the courthouse and said I do. But his best quality has to have been thinking of others. He knew I had never been married, he knew that I wanted something a little more than going to the courthouse,.

I think he starting shutting me out when I had to take him to Vandy for minor surgery. I don’t know what happened but he started closing me out. I don’t know if he was afraid that I would resent him or be scared about what was to come but I wish he would have trusted me. I wanted to be there for the long haul. To be another person in his support system that loved him and wanted to take care of him.

But we ran out of gas. And I don’t know exactly what I could have said or done to make him change his mind. Sure, there were things that drove me crazy about him but I know he could have said the same about me.

Toddy, I loved you for you. You made me smile, laugh and sometimes question my sanity. I felt completely content snuggled up to you. I am going to miss you for a long time. I am thankful that you have a whole family of girls that are willing to listen to me whine from time to time and that they have welcomed me in as they grieve.

So what if I am a crybaby, this just gives you the chance to make jokes up there and tell your dad how silly I can be about things. We may have split up last year but I never wanted to let go of you. And now I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with this. It’s going to be hard and I am going to cry a lot but I am going to do this. And I am going to keep writing and maybe, just maybe one day get a book completed. And it will be all because of your love, support and the endless nagging when it came to writing.

I love you Toddy and I am going to miss you.