Tuesday Randomness

**Thinking about all my friends up and down the east coast today. I hope you all made it safely through Hurricane Sandy and if you are without power, I hope it comes back quickly. 

The temps have dropped and now I am anxiously awaiting some snow. Yes, I am that person that loves the snow. Once again it is Tuesday (the lemonade moment, at least it isn’t Monday) and here are my random thoughts for the day.

  • I am finally using Twitter now. . .signed up a long time ago, forgot about it, then I would remember it. . .vicious cycle
  • I do love some of the random people I am following, some tweets make me smile and others make me cringe. . . social networking at its best
  • I also finally figured out how to edit via my computer my contacts on the iPhone, during one of the many transfers of phones in the past my contact list duplicated
  • I also ended up downloading two games for my phone, those are nice time sucks
  • One of my coworkers suggested we hand out Mucinex for Halloween to our office, the sniffles are in full force around here
  • I let my apartment get really messy last week and realized Friday night that it annoyed me
  • I never thought that would happen, I must have a fever
  • I got it all put back together Saturday while watching Game Day
  • My car is showing her super power abilities again, heading into the office yesterday morning I almost had the front half ripped off by a driver that didn’t realize there are other cars on the road
  • I channeled my NYC taxi driver in order to be noticed, he still couldn’t understand why I was laying on the horn
  • Seriously?
  • My heart finally went back into my chest by the time I got to work
  • Heart racing out of my chest is not a good thing for someone with anxiety
  • I am once again thankful that I didn’t get the job in NC; I have an aversion to hurricanes
  • It took years for me to adjust but I can handle tornadoes now, so I think I will stay landlocked
  • I have to buy a bed for my guestroom in the next couple of weeks
  • I found one for the rock bottom price of $299, mom’s question–is it comfortable?
  • My response–does it really matter?
  • But before I get the bed I have to deal with the plastic totes of crap in the spare room. . .
  • I guess I know what I am doing this weekend
  • There are times when I would give my eye teeth for a fireplace but then I realize that it would take up a wall that is desperately needed for my furniture
  • A rule that I completely forgot about. . .don’t date a friend. . .bit me in the tush. . .I miss my friend
  • I also hate the what could have been
  • This is why I don’t date and am looking into convents
  • I think I would make a pretty sassy nun
  • But would they let me bring Wook with me?
  • That could be the deal breaker
  • After squeezing myself in my size ten jeans last week, buying a scale and getting serious about getting the weight off, I can proudly say that I have lost a total of 14lbs
  • Of course I wish that could have been on top of what I lost when working with my trainer
  • But I was a bit busy when I first moved back and some of that is poundage is redundant
  • The skinny jeans are back on the door, staring at me anytime I go to my bedroom

And that my friends is all my poor, little brain can handle right now. I think I will continue playing Three Blind Mice and DK Quiz instead of reading tonight. My focus is kind of shot when it comes to reading at the moment. It happens but I hope it doesn’t last long because there are a few books on my list to read.

Instagraming Your Life

I got an iPhone this past summer, my first one because I was waiting for my carrier of choice to offer them and then had to wait for my upgrade. But after years of drooling over the iPhone, I got it. While I was using my Droid (which I really did love) I starting playing with Instagram and other photography apps. Taking it over to the iPhone seemed to take it to the next level and that might be my mind playing tricks on me. I do have a soft spot for Apple products though. . .

Instagram is a cool little app that will let you lay a filter on top of the picture, it can be framed, muted, blurred. . .and then you post it for all the world to see. Those tricks to make a photograph look artistic, better or more dramatic didn’t change the actual picture. It’s still a picture of my cat, Radnor Lake or the sky. With a click of the camera and a swipe at the effect, I have made a so so fall afternoon at Radnor look like an outtake from the woods of Maine. All crisp yellows, reds and oranges glowing as if someone took a paintbrush to it. And then I realized, I have been instagraming the crap out of old memories.

It reminded me of a comment made by a friend years ago; when talking about my love for NYC (at the ripe old age of 17) he said I viewed the city through rose colored glasses. My mother agreed. I, on the other hand, did not agree, even to this day, I love NYC. I also don’t see the mess, as my mother pointed out to me often, it’s just not in my nature.

I think we all go around from time to time, remembering the past with a filter on it causing it to blur, become muted and sitting there like a pretty little package waiting to be torn open on Christmas morning. I have been guilty of this when it comes to old flames or crushes.

Case in point. . . the little red headed boy. He was my first boyfriend, way back in fourth grade. He even gave me a necklace and candy on Valentine’s Day. And it all started with a note asking me to go with him by checking yes or no (George Strait has nothing on me). It was a love affair for the ages. Well, until I decided that I didn’t want to go with him anymore. It ended, he took up with my best friend and I gave her the stuff he gave me. As we got older, the little red headed boy and I became friends. Such good friends that I believe we got in trouble for tying the phone line up one evening yapping to each other (long before the days of call waiting).

When you are that young, kids don’t understand how you could be friends instead of just dating. To us, it made sense. And I also had ADD when it came to boys back then as well as a horrible habit of going for the bad boy. But we spent a lot of time around each other, talking, laughing and then having to explain what the deal was with us. This played out throughout school until graduation.

I never thought of that little red headed boy in a romantic way until one night we hung out when he was in town from college. As we always did when he came into town, we went out. We caught each other up on our lives, talked about former classmates and made fun of each other. Solid friend hanging out time. At the end of a long night hanging out, he kissed me. I was surprised when he did, shocked that I really liked it and confused as to what in the world did it all mean. Then reality set in, he lived two hours away, we had different things going on and what could have been was not going to happen.

Once I transferred to the same college he was at, we tried again but by this point I was ready to get out, meet people and ended up spending a chunk of quality time at the fraternity house. Timing was always off and deep down I think we both knew that those two little kids passing notes in Mrs. Baker’s class were very different people now. We grew up and moved on; it happens.

But here comes the fun part. . . I have instagramed the crap out of that little red headed boy since college. Pulling out tidbits of blurred memories, dressing them up, muting them to just the right color and swearing up and down that he must be the boy for me. I believe he was my fallback each and every time Bubba and I would sign on for WWIII. My 38 year old self sees that now and will openly admit that while I will always have a soft spot for that little red headed boy, we are really two very different people now. We both changed during college and I am sure I went to a more wilder side than him but it was those fun memories of when we were young that made me think that it would work.

While that example isn’t all that bad, I bring out my next exhibit. . . Bubba. Dear Lord, I instagramed that relationship from hell to the point that it looked like soft, fuzzy kittens were playing in a field. We brought out the worst in each other, he spent more time and energy trying to come up with ways to push me and I fell right into the trap. Things would be great, he would be sweet and then bam! he had his tongue down some girl’s throat and it wasn’t mine. He would party hard and flirt but if a guy happened to pass in front of me he would blow up. He would say horrible things to me, tearing me down, piece by piece until I was convinced I was lucky to have him. Then we would break up. . .

And I would start to instagram the memories, blurring the times he had thrown himself at other women, making it into a huge misunderstanding or I would put a dreamy filter on the ones where he told me I was fat so I could remember it as he really only cared about my health. Sounds like an amazing relationship huh? I spent seven and a half years playing this horrible game of cat and mouse with him. I still have the scars from our time together but Bubba and I finally got the memo that we would never, ever work as a couple.

And then I instagramed Jorge and the boy. . . yeah, I could fill pages up of how not to chose a guy. The boy was shallow, so I would have to put nice shiny, bright filters on my memories with him. Dressing up memories that really weren’t suited to see the light of day the first time around. Blurring out the indifference that Jorge had for the relationship, sharpening the few where he babied me when I was sick to make those really stand out. Like I said, I have a real knack for picking them!

It is hard sometimes to look back and force myself to see the memories without all the airbrushing. I have to admit that I was part of the destructive cycle with Bubba and with the others, simply ignoring the red flags and pretending that it was all perfect. And while I do like to soften the memories up a bit, just like I enjoy playing with the different looks on Instagram, the reality is summed up as this: it is what it is. I can’t change how I was treated, how I treated them or make the memory better. I can’t go back and touch up a moment in hopes that making it look better will make it work now.

The fact that I prefer to see the good in people instead of the bad immediately does tend to translate into either I am not that smart, naive or just see things through rose colored glasses. The reality is I just want to think that people in general are not inherently bad people. This part of my personality does tend to open me up to being surprised quite often. I have also become more cynical as I have gotten older when it comes to relationships which in turn causes me to throw every wall around me up.

Chandler got to deal with my walls and bless him for being patient with me. I was so paranoid about me time, being my own person, etc. that I almost missed out on probably one of the better relationships I have experienced. I can remember him calling me one night when he got home, he wanted to analyze my mood and what we had talked about earlier in the evening. He said I had to talk to him for it to work. Such a novel concept. And that sometimes, those moments are ones that you need to frame and hang on your wall.

For now, I will try to keep my instagraming strictly to pictures and accept that good or bad, the friends, boyfriends, relationships and the kitchen sink from my past are in my past. That none of us are those kids from 20 years ago and photoshopping the past doesn’t make the present or future better. Often times it only means that I am copying the picture in hopes that the outcome is different this time. Kind of like when I kept shoving that square peg into the round hole known as Bubba.

I am thankful that I might actually be learning a few things, finally. My thick skull makes it hard for me to learn new things. I like to blame that on my dad but that is as much a K family trait as it is a C family trait. And that trait makes for great stories for friends to laugh at when we are together. Which is really the reason why they keep me around. . .

Tuesday Randomness

I’m a slacker, what can I say? But it’s Tuesday and I probably have a ton of randomness sitting in my head, so here it goes. . .

  • I am so over 80* weather around here, it’s late October, I want fall, pretty leaves, layers and not having to dress like it is still summer
  • I have kind of gotten back on the wagon in terms of weight loss and I am still considering using my Dyson for liposuction
  • I hit Radnor Lake Sunday morning, I think it took longer to find a place to park than it did to walk
  • I was focused on the walk, my iPod kicking out Def Leppard tunes and finished the almost three miles in 50 minutes
  • Considering how horrible I have been in terms of watching what I eat and exercising, I will take that time. . . for now
  • There are moments in my life when I think I have been kicked back into a high school drama
  • All I have to say is, when you hit your 30s it is time to grow up
  • Just like Charlie Brown, I will, someday, some how, kick that $u&*ing football, watch out Lucy
  • There is only one downfall to my job, the paper that I use to print everything out on. . . I have a small forest in my office
  • A Christmas miracle happened, I got reservations at Catbird Seat
  • I CANNOT wait to go, the Queen will be my date for the evening!
  • I got my Scentsy stuff this past weekend, it smells so yummy!
  • I voted today, I have done my civic duty. . .
  • And it makes me even more official as a Davidson County resident

Well, apparently I had a brain fart and can’t remember the rest! That kind of figures but I guess sometimes you just need a break when it comes to writing. Now let’s hope that I can get back into the grove. Until then, Go Steelers!

The One Where I Dissect My Love Life

I joke a lot about my taste in men and it is comical once the dust has settled. I just wouldn’t joke about it while I am deep in it. As cynical as I can be when it comes to life, I am still a hopeless romantic deep down. It doesn’t help matters that when I am out with the guys I am just as crude as they are, screaming as loud as them at the TV and joking about our collective failures . . . well, my failures.

I didn’t date after Chandler because my heart wasn’t in it. I starting talking to the boy again knowing that it wouldn’t work out because in his shallow heart, I would never be good enough. And maybe that is why I didn’t try as hard as I should have trying to shed the weight. I knew that we could get along decently, we had a few things in common and he wouldn’t make an effort, on anything. My self-preservation is interesting, trust me. Looking back on that whole disaster in the making I just shrug and thank God that he happens to be a selfish, shallow kind of guy.

What I don’t have in a love life, I make up for tenfold with my guy friends. The boys have been there to question my judgment, tease me about sticking around so long in a horrible relationship and of course, talk obsessively about football. It always baffled my Granny as to why I always hung out with guys but for whatever reason my parents never saw it as odd.

I have always firmly believed there is a fine line between that friendship and something more. I have always stood firmly on the side of friendship until a stupid incident a few years ago with Hyde. Hyde was a good friend, between him and Reb; there were a lot of times hanging either at a sports bar or my place watching football and playing Scrabble. I liked Hyde, he was kind, funny and we got along really well. Unfortunately since I am blind when it comes to seeing if a guy is interested in me, I didn’t have a clue that he had a crush.

We crossed the line one weekend, blurring it and making me instantly regret it. It was just a kiss but to me it felt wrong. I tried to hash it out in my brain but nothing could make that one decision disappear. I finally saw that he was in fact, interested in me. We tried on three separate occasions to take the friendship to the next level but I failed miserably. I wasn’t comfortable, I was skittish and to be honest with myself, I wasn’t interested.

But like the time you accidently squeeze out too much toothpaste, you can’t take it back. I tried being honest with him, apologizing over and over for misleading him. There were times I thought if I just tried hard enough, I would learn to be comfortable with him. After I crashed and burned with Hyde, I would occasionally get an email from him full of hate, telling me what a horrible person I was and then listing everything I did to wrong him. Each time I responded without lashing out; I even got Reb to review the emails to make sure I wasn’t hurting him further with my responses.

Our last interaction happened just as I had started seeing the boy. We met for dinner and I was to meet Reb for coffee after this dinner. It was horrible. Once again Hyde went point by point discussing exactly what made me a horrible person. And then to add insult to injury; he continued this when I met Reb for coffee. Instead of taking his cue to say goodbye, we sat awkwardly at Starbucks for the next hour. At that point all I wanted to do was go home without having a moment to actually catch up with Reb.

Of course things didn’t work with the boy; at the time I was devastated because he looked the part of the perfect boyfriend. I had long forgotten that a relationship should be based on unconditional love. I overlooked my needs since he just wasn’t interested in fulfilling them and I sucked it up when I caught him in a lie. Looking back I realize that maybe on the surface the relationship looked fine; but dressing a pig up in designer garb doesn’t change the fact that it is still a pig.

When Chandler caught me by surprise two years ago I started to think about what I wanted in a relationship. I didn’t want games, I wanted someone to be with me because of what is inside and I wanted to be loved. He hit it out of the park. When things ended, I was sad but I had seen it coming. He was pushing me away but I couldn’t figure out why. The only thing I knew was I didn’t want to try again. I was tired of being drug up the hill to see just how wonderful the view was only to be kicked down to the bottom again. It was like a horrible tape playing on loop, reminding me that I didn’t deserve any of it and taking me back to the dark days with Bubba.

I knew when I started talking to the boy again it wouldn’t last; he had unspoken conditions that I would need to meet. Needless to say, I didn’t meet them because I knew I didn’t really want to be with him. And Chandler had one more message for me when I was in DC with the boy and it was to finally see the boy for who he really was, which isn’t much. The ghost of Chandler has stayed with me for a long time and subconsciously I have used him as an excuse not to move forward.

The truth is taking that risk again and again, only to be knocked on my ass gets old. Stace said to me the other day that I have to be the most unlucky person when it comes to love. Her wish, which I know a lot of friends and family members have for me, is that I find love. I don’t put a lot of stock in that wish since all I need to do is look back on my history and see how wonderful it all turned out. . .

It is like Charlie Brown and Lucy with that stupid football. Charlie Brown keeps trying, against his better judgment and Lucy keeps yanking the football away. And if I ever get near Lucy, I am going to smack the poo out of her because Charlie Brown deserves to kick that stupid football.

A Lucky, Lucky Girl

I finally got one of those lives people kept talking about. . . and a funny thing happened when I actually let go and let things happen. Besides my new mantra of making myself get out on a school night, making an effort to spend time with friends and all that other fluffy stuff, I finally admitted something that I had been suppressing for a long time.

In my world, stuffing my emotions into a box and shoving it into the darkest corner of the closet seems to be the best line of action. After all kinds of bad dates, bad relationships and just plain bad luck, I felt that it was much easier to keep any feelings towards someone in that box. To the outside world, I am a funny girl who riffs on her bad choices, laughing all the way to the bank so to speak. I like to act as if I don’t care if I am single or in a relationship and forget about even thinking someone is interested in me.

Those are things I don’t allow myself to believe in order to save face. Is it the right choice? No and I know that, I am old enough to know that what I am doing in order to protect myself will ultimately hurt me. Trust me, I have analyzed this little tidbit to death. And in my world, sharing that I found someone who just might be a perfect fit into my world opens me up to things blowing up in my face. Yes, just like Harry, in When Harry Met Sally, I will read the end of the book just in case and have a warped vision of how things work out in my life.

And the funny part is admitting to myself that a friend could be more, blurring those lines that I use to protect myself and seeing that underneath our very cynical, smart ass personalities, we are both wanting to be appreciated, cared for and most importantly, someone that will sit by you in public and make fun of the dork who walks by. He’s sweet, willing to do things I would never thought he would be willing to do.

And then he brought me a Starbucks. . .yes, lucky is the key word. All the bluntness, honesty, laughs, jokes and everything else under the sun provided a nice little foundation for something more. But in the back of my mind, I go back to Harry and the deep seeded need to read the last couple of the chapters just to see if it works out. Because if it is going to fail, I need to know. I don’t like to get my heart broken, I don’t like putting myself out there and I really don’t like coming in second place.

The One Where I Go Back in Time

It has been 15 years since I was in college. . .sometimes it is crazy to think about all the things that I did while there. The first three years were spent toiling away at a community college while living at home. I didn’t care for it at the time but the reality is my decent GPA there saved my tush when I transferred.

And yes, I could have applied myself more in college but I will say the friends I gained in college and all the fun we had was worth that extra time (and lots of money) that was spent at MTSU. I haven’t been on campus since shortly after graduation. I blame it on the whole living in Nashville and it always take forever to get there and I can be lazy.

But tomorrow I am hitting homecoming, that is if I can figure out where to park and can find the guys. Please say some of my memory comes back when I get on campus. I spent way too much time with the guys at one particular fraternity house (where they did not butt chug, thank you very much). There were a lot of trips to Prontos, way too many parties at the house and a lot of laughs during my time there.

I got a mini reunion earlier this week after getting some horrible news about one of the brothers. While it wasn’t the best of circumstances I was reminded why I loved spending time with these guys. We also laughed about the pool, the parties and some questionable choices made by Bubba.

Tomorrow I get to see them and even the ones that didn’t make it to the pub Tuesday. I can’t wait! It is a lot of fun to remember the fun times but it is also nice knowing that I am a better version of myself now. It also makes you feel good when they wrap you up with a big hug and say they are happy to see you.

Back then it was the dark days with Bubba, the wild and unruly boy that I thought I could tame. I didn’t and probably missed out on a lot of other things while there but being welcomed back into the fold by the boys puts a big smile on my face. And I can’t wait to see them all again.

And while Bear won’t be there, he has requested one small favor. . . apparently he doesn’t like his blog name. He can be a bit of a whiny butt, so in honor of the fact that he looks and acts like the character Allan from The Hangover he will now hence forth be called Allan. He still looks like a bear though. . . and is in desperate need of a mani/pedi ASAP.

Now I need to go figure out the best place to park at MTSU. . . if I don’t show up by 9:30 someone send the search party out. K?