I finally got one of those lives people kept talking about. . . and a funny thing happened when I actually let go and let things happen. Besides my new mantra of making myself get out on a school night, making an effort to spend time with friends and all that other fluffy stuff, I finally admitted something that I had been suppressing for a long time.
In my world, stuffing my emotions into a box and shoving it into the darkest corner of the closet seems to be the best line of action. After all kinds of bad dates, bad relationships and just plain bad luck, I felt that it was much easier to keep any feelings towards someone in that box. To the outside world, I am a funny girl who riffs on her bad choices, laughing all the way to the bank so to speak. I like to act as if I don’t care if I am single or in a relationship and forget about even thinking someone is interested in me.
Those are things I don’t allow myself to believe in order to save face. Is it the right choice? No and I know that, I am old enough to know that what I am doing in order to protect myself will ultimately hurt me. Trust me, I have analyzed this little tidbit to death. And in my world, sharing that I found someone who just might be a perfect fit into my world opens me up to things blowing up in my face. Yes, just like Harry, in When Harry Met Sally, I will read the end of the book just in case and have a warped vision of how things work out in my life.
And the funny part is admitting to myself that a friend could be more, blurring those lines that I use to protect myself and seeing that underneath our very cynical, smart ass personalities, we are both wanting to be appreciated, cared for and most importantly, someone that will sit by you in public and make fun of the dork who walks by. He’s sweet, willing to do things I would never thought he would be willing to do.
And then he brought me a Starbucks. . .yes, lucky is the key word. All the bluntness, honesty, laughs, jokes and everything else under the sun provided a nice little foundation for something more. But in the back of my mind, I go back to Harry and the deep seeded need to read the last couple of the chapters just to see if it works out. Because if it is going to fail, I need to know. I don’t like to get my heart broken, I don’t like putting myself out there and I really don’t like coming in second place.
Stumbling Through Life 