The One With the Buffalo Sauce

My cat happens to have more than nine lives…my furry little man has chewed through wires more times than I can remember, chewed on my fake Christmas tree and has had a thing for hot sauce or other deterrents when it comes to his need to chew on things.

The Wookster has never really been all about people food and with this tidbit in mind, I have never minded him sniffing my food. He normally sniffs for a second and then moves on. Sure, he had a thing for the water chestnuts in my five flavor chicken before but 99% of my food he has not had an interest in…until Friday night.

I was eating some buffalo chicken bites and being the sauce whore that I am; I had a side dish of sauce too. Wook decided he wanted to sniff at it, no biggie, I let him. Then I look down and see him licking it up as if it were water. I pulled it away quickly and then panicked. He jumped down and started breathing heavy. And then he puked and kept up the heavy breathing while I came close to breaking down. I was terrified that I had killed him and didn’t know what to do. I offered him milk but he wasn’t interested. After a quick visit to his litter box he finally got back to normal.

Well, kind of…his meow was scratchy and he gave me a withering look. He was back to his old self the next day but even now I am mortified that it happened. That’s my little man and basically I tried to kill him with buffalo sauce. Oh the guilt…

The One Where I Try to Suck it Up

There are days where I could give my effort a solid C. My job is going well, it just sucks everything out of me, I am working out anywhere from five days a week to three….largely due to work which sometimes changes things up.

While I am feeling more settled in terms being alone dealing with the broken heart, there are times when I feel like the crying jag is just around the corner, I never know what will set it up. I don’t smile like I used to and sometimes I feel like it takes a huge effort. Of course as I see friends they do the head tilt thing while asking me how I am doing. Um, hanging in there.

I know my friends and family are worried and just want me to be happy…it’s just how do I do that? Working out daily really does help get the frustration out or at least takes it down a notch. In the end, I know I shut down.

I have been researching the eating clean which I think I will modify. It gives me something to do, I have been reading as well, a little of this and a little of that. And with football season just around the corner so I am hoping that that will help put things in place. I miss him but I can’t chase him and debate this. He made up his mind and cut me out.

And I believe that in life not everyone ends up with someone. It makes me sad but I guess the big man upstairs has other plans for me. I just never thought it would focus on me being alone.

The One Where I Swear I am Fine

Depression affects everyone differently. For me, it is more about trying to function on some level of normalcy while screaming at myself inside my head. At first I couldn’t even do the fake “I am fine” I would sit in silence after crying jags trying with all of my might to look much stronger, normal. Nothing made me smile or laugh, all I could do was offer up a rather lame he just left, said he thought the spark left. Oh and lots of “I’m sorries.”

Seriously hate those words. I delved deeper into depression, barely eating, finding things to occupy my time. Trying to forget what we shared. With Allan walking, I lost his sweet daughter, his family and friends. And all those plans he had made for us.

What made him walk? I haven’t a clue. The spark he mentioned at one point reminded me of those days in my youth when I thought those John Hughes movies really were close to reality. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And some days life does seem a little blah but having someone by your side to support as well as be there during the blah and the fun times is key.

While I shut down, not wanting to be near anyone Allan goes about his life as if the woman was no longer there. He flips the switch. Apparently his mom and I both agree he needs to see someone to talk about this with…

Do I still love him, yes. And I know much of you will scoff at this but let’s remember that after chandler it took me a really long time to get out there. Maybe there isn’t a guy it there for me. Maybe this lonely existence is what I need to get on with life. I am heartbroken, missing Allan who made me laugh, made me feel special, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I loved him for his humor, his beautiful face and his kindness. Not even the sexist man on earth could turn my head because to me, Allan was all that and a bag of chips.

I force myself to eat, I go workout four times a week, read and go to work. I attempt social settings but I am not that strong right now and it is a challenge. I don’t laugh as often as a should and there are still moments where I lose it and just cry.

I saw the boy lasts Friday at the grocery store, I knew my heart was firmly planted within Allan since I immediately turned my head and picked up the pace.

My writing has taken a beating. So much I wanted to share but I also knew that it wasn’t just me anymore; that I had a few other people to contend with so I didn’t blog. Plus, when you have that wonderful person sitting next to you on the couch, the last thing you want to do is write,

So yeah, once again I have been rejected. Maybe I should change the blog name to that.