August 2014 – Stumbling Through Life

I work from home on Wednesdays…it gives me a midweek break in terms of the commute and the distractions at the office. Normally once the flurry of the first 30 minutes of The Today Show goes by I flip the tv to repeats of sitcoms past…I like the background noise of it.

But today I was digging in deep on several projects, preparing for a conference call and didn’t change the channel. Carson Daily interviewed Jennifer Anniston and the often talked about why she doesn’t have kids came up. Then I noticed this evening Tamron Hall had written about it as well. And it reminded me of some comments made to me a few months ago.

I was told by a much younger, greener professional that I didn’t really matter. I got a salary and I was single so no pressures….for he had pressures. He has a house, a spouse and next year a child to add to his list of pressures. It was as if he truly believed that being single meant no responsibilities, no pressures and I assume the opportunity to treat each night as if it was a kegger.

For those of you that know me, you will understand that that went over about as well as someone telling an addict their problems end once they drop the bottle. Why yes, little boy, my life is so fucking easy. No ones life is easy, we all have challenges and issues and pressures that we have to deal with in life.

I am a family of one…I have to provide a roof over my head, food for myself and maintain my car, health and every other normal responsibility. I chose to adopt a cat almost 15 years ago, I must provide him food, shelter and healthcare. If I have a health emergency or even just get sick, it’s all on me. Taking vacations out of the country are a challenge because it is just me, so those are considered extravagant vacations in my book, plus I am just getting used to traveling on my own.

No, I don’t have a spouse nor do I have children, did I want them? Yes, very much so but as of right now, it hasn’t happened and I have to accept it. I have made horrible choices when it comes to men, trusting and giving chances to those who never deserved a second chance yet got many chances from me. I have treated some very nice men like crap, going into something I shouldn’t have, getting scared or just being dumb. I regret hurting those guys and hope that one day, they will forgive me.

I had one very special man in my life who loved me so much that he set me free thinking it was for the best. His way of protecting me. I’ll have a conversation with him when I see him again in heaven.

So while I don’t have a spouse, house or children to call my own, I still matter. I’m Aunt Amy to so many of my friends kids, love them with all my being and some days I think, maybe just maybe I still might get all that I would like to experience.

I read my newsfeed on Facebook and yes, I get twinges of jealousy when engagements happen or babies arrive but I also am happy for them. I also watch as others complain so much about their lot in life when really they are blessed but are so bogged down they can’t see the forest for the trees.

But what I really want to say is there are some people that just don’t find their other half or their bodies fail them when it comes to wanting a child but they matter. They have the same concerns and challenges that those families go through. They matter because they are human, they live and breath the same air you do, they feel the same heartbreaks.

I didn’t go to college to get my Mrs. Degree, I went to find myself. Along the way I took a few wrong turns but I’ve learned from it all. And I matter. I’m not a weirdo, a freak or there is something innately wrong with me because I am single and childless. I just didn’t find that path and that’s okay. Because I still care, I still love and I still have all those responsibilities that every single person has in life.

So back off arrogant little boys and girls who pass judgement on those who don’t fit in your cookie cutter world. I am me and I matter. I just went about it differently than you.

I have had a busy summer, one filled with a move, trips and doing things I didn’t think I would ever do. . . I also struggled with writing. Actually, I have struggled with that for over a year. But I have been thinking about Chandler a lot lately and the one thing he constantly said to me was “tell me a story.” So between dealing with a relationship ending, learning what I thought to be real wasn’t, the stress of work and fighting anxiety, I let this outlet fall by the wayside.

I finally left the apartment complex, the one that I have called home for way too long at the beginning of summer. Bird was, as usual, the perfect sister by coming up here to help me with the chaos. I am proud to say that I managed to get the majority of it packed before Bird and her girls arrived. It was a long weekend, filled with anxiety about the Wookster’s ability to go with the flow, traipsing back and forth from the old and new place with clothes, shoes and well, more clothes and shoes as well as trying to offer up a little bit of fun for the girls. With the fabulous help of Henson Moving (I love the friends I met in college, they are still right there when you need them) I got everything thrown into the new place by Sunday.

Between Bird, her girls and Stace, my kitchen and liquor were all released from their boxes and put in their proper place. . . I got the tvs setup (because seriously, I was going a bit crazy with anticipation to actually have Directv) and did a few runs to Lowes. I also ordered my grill, planned to have a garage door opener installed and tried to talk Wook off the ledge. He wasn’t happy with me. Boxes are a norm for him, getting in the car is also a norm but between everyone running in and out, boxes galore and a routine that had been shot to shit, he was coming unglued.

I haven’t hung my pictures or finished a few things that need to be done but overall, the place is put together enough to have company over. Wook has transitioned fairly well giving me a scare about a month after we got settled in. .. I was a mess, crying and worrying about what would happen. He had a virus and with some shots and a very, umm, protective eye on him, he is on the mend. His doctor has also noted on his chart to never put him in a cage. Even when he felt really bad, he let them know his disapproval of being placed in something that he felt was beneath him.

As I have gotten older, I have found that I have set limitations for myself. Some probably make sense, others are purely from the anxiety I deal with on a regular basis. I challenged myself to run a 5K and then asked a friend to join me. Once she stopped laughing at me, she said she would think about it. I wanted to do the run so I could say I did a 5K, it was for St Jude’s and it was an opportunity to wear a tutu. I completed the Bacon Chase in Chicago in June with said laughing friend in tow. I also got to eat bacon while running and then have a boat of bacon after. .. I enjoyed myself.

I also got to visit Chicago for the first time and spend time with some friends who moved up there a few years ago. I loved it and there were plenty of times when I thought about Chandler and his beloved Chicago. I walked by Wrigley Field a million times, visited the Bean and saw most of downtown. I was beat between all the walking and the race but it was so much fun. And of course, I put the city on my list of places I want to move to and let’s face it. . . the requirements are simple: big city, public transportation, professional sports and a great vibe. The plus to Chicago for this NYC girl is that it is on Central time. I don’t think I can live on Eastern time again.

Why yes, I traipsed all over Chicago in my tutu, ears and pig tail. . .

The bloody mary was watered down but it worked as well as the bacon. . .

Because you have to take a picture when you go to The Bean

Next up was a work trip to Boston. . . my travels normally confine me to the southeast, so this was an out of the norm trip for me but I was ready, willing and excited about eating all kinds of seafood. I got to take a tour of Fenway Park, roamed all over the downtown/water area and even got to walk onto the field at Fenway. Sadly, I didn’t really get to hear that great Boston accent but it was a super quick trip.

I stayed at The Lenox, just a block away from the Boston Marathon finish line

Cocktails go a long way when it comes to me and baseball.

While the Royals were warming up, I got a tour of Fenway and got to take a gander at the field and the Green Monster.

And then. . . then I went back to where I grew-up and did two things that I have never done before. . . I rafted down the Ocoee River and I did the zip line course with Ocoee Outdoors. As I had to explain to what seemed like all the whole universe, no I have never been down the river before and no, I don’t really know why it took me this long to do it. It was always something I wanted to do but just never got around to it. Now the zip line thing, that was a completely different story. I am scared of heights and realized that my anxious little self wasn’t so fearless a few years ago after a bad experience on the swing along bridge at Rock City. So in a moment of insanity I agreed to do the activity, not really understanding what I had just agreed to. But in the end, I learned that going first instead of waiting for a few people to take the line meant that my anxiety didn’t have time to build and by the end I was having a blast and wanted to do it all again.

By far the scariest thing I did was the head first slide down the upside down raft in the Ocoee. It was fun but man it is a testament to waiting and anticipating, I was scared to death when I finally did it. And the most anticipated rapid, Hells Hole lied up to my expectations. I may have never been down the river before but I know that river, the rapids the stories and I have walked in it when it was practically empty during winter. I loved it and will say waiting until August is the best because it is so stinking hot and that super cold river is nice.

I think I spent most of my time backwards on all of the zip lines. . .

Me, blue helmet and can barely see because the silly thing was a bit big.

Cheesy paddle high five but man it was a lot of fun.

So that was my summer, filled with a lot of new things and challenging myself to face fears. Sometimes getting out of that comfort zone is the kick in the pants you need. Up next, doing another 5K. And who knows what else. . . I even let Stace try to set me up on a blind date, I reached out and he blew me off with the “I’m just so busy but maybe at the end up the month we can meet up for a drink after work.” My response. . . none. When a guy is actually interested in a female they will move heaven and earth to make it happen, trust me, I have had boyfriends cheat on me, all under my nose, stating just how “busy” they are so they couldn’t possibly cheat. . . umm yeah, he just wasn’t into me and that’s cool but don’t pull the douche card by saying you are booked solid for three weeks and maybe we can meet up then. Just be honest.

So the dating thing might not me on my list of things to do since I have had enough rejection to last a lifetime but I will find other things that challenge me and do them. And I am going to find my writing mojo again. Hopefully.