I Do Matter


I work from home on Wednesdays…it gives me a midweek break in terms of the commute and the distractions at the office. Normally once the flurry of the first 30 minutes of The Today Show goes by I flip the tv to repeats of sitcoms past…I like the background noise of it.

But today I was digging in deep on several projects, preparing for a conference call and didn’t change the channel. Carson Daily interviewed Jennifer Anniston and the often talked about why she doesn’t have kids came up. Then I noticed this evening Tamron Hall had written about it as well. And it reminded me of some comments made to me a few months ago.

I was told by a much younger, greener professional that I didn’t really matter. I got a salary and I was single so no pressures….for he had pressures. He has a house, a spouse and next year a child to add to his list of pressures. It was as if he truly believed that being single meant no responsibilities, no pressures and I assume the opportunity to treat each night as if it was a kegger.

For those of you that know me, you will understand that that went over about as well as someone telling an addict their problems end once they drop the bottle. Why yes, little boy, my life is so fucking easy. No ones life is easy, we all have challenges and issues and pressures that we have to deal with in life.

I am a family of one…I have to provide a roof over my head, food for myself and maintain my car, health and every other normal responsibility. I chose to adopt a cat almost 15 years ago, I must provide him food, shelter and healthcare. If I have a health emergency or even just get sick, it’s all on me. Taking vacations out of the country are a challenge because it is just me, so those are considered extravagant vacations in my book, plus I am just getting used to traveling on my own.

No, I don’t have a spouse nor do I have children, did I want them? Yes, very much so but as of right now, it hasn’t happened and I have to accept it. I have made horrible choices when it comes to men, trusting and giving chances to those who never deserved a second chance yet got many chances from me. I have treated some very nice men like crap, going into something I shouldn’t have, getting scared or just being dumb. I regret hurting those guys and hope that one day, they will forgive me.

I had one very special man in my life who loved me so much that he set me free thinking it was for the best. His way of protecting me. I’ll have a conversation with him when I see him again in heaven.

So while I don’t have a spouse, house or children to call my own, I still matter. I’m Aunt Amy to so many of my friends kids, love them with all my being and some days I think, maybe just maybe I still might get all that I would like to experience.

I read my newsfeed on Facebook and yes, I get twinges of jealousy when engagements happen or babies arrive but I also am happy for them. I also watch as others complain so much about their lot in life when really they are blessed but are so bogged down they can’t see the forest for the trees.

But what I really want to say is there are some people that just don’t find their other half or their bodies fail them when it comes to wanting a child but they matter. They have the same concerns and challenges that those families go through. They matter because they are human, they live and breath the same air you do, they feel the same heartbreaks.

I didn’t go to college to get my Mrs. Degree, I went to find myself. Along the way I took a few wrong turns but I’ve learned from it all. And I matter. I’m not a weirdo, a freak or there is something innately wrong with me because I am single and childless. I just didn’t find that path and that’s okay. Because I still care, I still love and I still have all those responsibilities that every single person has in life.

So back off arrogant little boys and girls who pass judgement on those who don’t fit in your cookie cutter world. I am me and I matter. I just went about it differently than you.

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