For a self-professed writer, clearly I suck. . . at least the past few years, when it comes to blogging. And each year as I renew my site I always say, I really need to get back on here and write. And I do, for about a week and then I get lazy. It is what it is but I am going to try to navigate the latest changes in my life and share them.
Allan came back into my life and after really working through letting him go and moving on, I ended up saying. . . okay. But of course it is a lot deeper than that and the process of really letting go made it possible for me to forgive him. I was really struggling with what I should do back in January.
But then Chandler came to me in my dreams and told me it was going to be okay, that he gave me his blessing (for lack of a better explanation). I have always loved it when he visits me because I always feel such peace and love when I wake up. A few days after his visit I told Allan about it. Of course he was thinking, “she is cray cray” however he also knows the back history with Chandler and knows how much he meant to me. I believe his reaction was more of fear because he knew those were some really big shoes to fill.
The past almost nine months have been fun, challenging, maddening and happy. We have also watched while good friends dealt with relationships ending which brought to the forefront the hurt that defined us before. In the end, we started discussing our future, what we both wanted and didn’t want; discussions that had never really happened before. We decided to take the leap and shack up together.
We had long discussions about it, we had talks about some concerns I had and we also had to take into consideration his daughter (from here on out called Bug). Because the last thing either of us wanted was creating more drama and upheavel for a ten year old.
The hardest adjustment for me is that beautiful, smart kid. I have never made a secret of the fact that I wanted a child of my own. But life happened and at my age I knew that having my own wasn’t in the cards. But life is kind of funny and I ended up with this ten year old who challenges me, can drive me crazy yet I still love so much. And some of the things that she does is God’s way of saying, “you did this to your mom, enjoy the challenge!”
There are days when I feel like a big, fat failure when it comes to the Bug and there are days when all I want to do is take a nap but I am reminded that my life is not my own now, I have to share it with two people that I love very much. It’s about compromise, understanding and explaining why we have to pick up after ourselves.
And biggest challenge is writing about my life now because there are others in it and while sharing the latest about Allan is completely fine, the Bug didn’t ask to be fodder for blog content. So the balancing act will be interesting because this isn’t about raising a kid, it’s about me stumbling through life and I am probably the last person that should give parenting advice.
But I will share this. . . football. . .it is almost here and I am so ready for it. This year we have ramped up our game. . . we now have three permanent tvs in the living room, Sunday Ticket has been purchased and standing invites have been sent to some of our friends. We are ready to kickoff the college football season on Thursday. Of course I scheduled the last of my dental work that afternoon, three crowns and the long, drawn out process should be completed. I should be a ball of fun that evening but I did manage to think ahead and am taking Friday off.
So I am still here, stumbling around and I am holding Allan responsible to making sure I blog. Because I can come up with a million reasons to not pull out this ridicuoulsy expensive Macbook and not write.