The One Where I Revist the Past

I just finished Me Before You and while I have had a few friends give me the look and ask why would I do this, I can say that I needed to read it and it kind of helped.

Same but different situation but I had the same feels as Lou, the questions, the helplessness, the guilt. . . I don’t really like talking a lot about the process after losing Chandler. It is one thing when I talk to his Ma or his sisters or even his bestie because, well, we are all in the same boat. I lost him twice and to this day I feel guilty. I should have fought for us, I should have pushed him, I should have. . . well you get the picture.

Assisted suicide. ¬†. .I get it but I just can’t, at least right now I just can’t get behind it. But then again you are reading a 42 year old never been married adult who is terrified of having to deal with Wook getting older and it showing. I can’t make those decisions and am frozen in fear about am I doing the right thing for him. Quality vs quantity

After the Allan debacle I decided (after limping through football season and ignoring the start of hockey) that I wanted to travel. I wanted to do things for me. And then I decided that when I hit DC I would revisit a boyfriend from the past. I am not sure what I was looking for other than maybe some confirmation that my 21 year old self made the right decision. I did and while he is a nice guy we are two very different people. And he still saw me as a naive little town girl and the tip he left the server after we had drinks kind of rubbed me the wrong way. So I at least felt better about that decision from a million years ago.

I ended up seeing my high school boyfriend the following month. It was interesting. With time I let go of the hurt from being dumped the night I graduated high school but hanging out with his friends and having 20+ years of experience since then, it was nice. We laughed and drank, told stories, listened to music and smoked meat.

When I knew I was going to visit him I dubbed it the year of visiting boyfriends past. . . I would probably be up for seeing some of the guys I dated from camp, possibly one from my post college days but to go through a visit with each and every one of them? Nah, those relationships ended because they needed to and most I have no desire to see again.

I finally turned hockey back on, it was almost the end of the season. I went to two post season games and ended up buying a half season because I missed it so much. I saw Allan there both times, across the way, each time I was thankful that he did me the favor of cheating, again. They are perfect for each other and while his family liked me what mattered was his feelings. I finally admitted that I could never help him nor could I ever save him. You can’t fix people, no matter how much you try or how much you love them.

For me? I am counting down the days until football season starts as well as hockey season. I am trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I even signed up for a dating app. . . we will see if anything comes of it. I am kind of in that place that it is going to take someone really special for me to be willing to let my guard down.

The book was really good, I loved the story but I will admit, reading that was the emotional equivalent of cutting. And the movie will be released this Friday. Yes I am going to see it, yes I will be bawling again but I am drawn to it, I can’t not see it.