The Time Machine

I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing, overanalyzing any and everything. It could be a disagreement with an old boyfriend or that time I watched a parent be a horrible human being in the grocery store. I tend to think that part of the reason I am always in my head is my personality while I am sure my anxiety, depression issues play a part in it too. And, I always want to be right (such a bad personality trait).

I’ve been finding quotes daily (for the most part) that puts life in perspective, to be grateful and to maybe get out of my head. This morning I came across this one. . .

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.

Gilda Radner wrote that and she is one of my personal heroes. Taking her ordinary looks and her ability to make people laugh to the next level. From her characters in Saturday Night Live to her quirky roles in movies to the most epic love story ever told. . . her love for Gentlemen Wilder and their life together.

I was raised on a healthy diet of fairytales, Disney movies and how the Prince Charming comes in the end to tie up that beautiful love story with that perfect bow. I understood that they were just stories but what wonderful stories they were! I am grateful my charmed childhood was balanced out with the neighbor kids my age being boys though. I was willing to get dirty, play with my matchbox cars as much as I was putting a dress on and playing with my dolls.

I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing my choices and playing out all the what ifs and I wishes. . . hey I have a lot of time on my hands when there is a lull between sports. I did the boyfriends of the past tour last year and while it was probably a 50/50 outcome, it did allow me to say, yep, that was the right decision. Even if I didn’t want it to end or I did because I wanted to spread my wings.

Every success and every mistake I’ve made is what makes me me. Take it or leave it, I am a non-drama kind of girl that rarely gets jealous, has guy friends and will be blunt without thinking if that hurts someone’s feelings.

I’ve experienced the weird tightrope of being friends after the relationship ended years before and I’ve also felt the pull of unfinished business. It’s strange to have a conversation and you just automatically finish their thoughts. Or automatically revert back to that person that takes care of the other one. Or those times when you look up and he is looking at you and unspoken words are exchanged. It leaves you with a “did that just happen? OR Was I just imagining things just because?”

Since I have overanalyzed most of my adult life, I will say that I tend to just lean towards it all being in my head. For better or worse, I am my own worst critic. I may have that perfect ending sitting in my head but normally my stories are all over the map, make little to no sense or huge mistakes on my part where I completely embarrassed myself.

No one has a perfect fairytale story and that is okay. I’ve also managed to write my own endings. The ones where I finally decided to stop waiting around for Prince Charming to whisk me off my feet and see the world. It is terribly freeing when you let go of what society thinks you should be doing and make it up as you go along.

I’ve expanded my sports knowledge, introduced hockey to my dad, traveled to some of my favorite cities in the US, worked on me (a lot) and learned to be a better friend and auntie. I’ve even gotten back to my love of music, taking in quite a few concerts this year.

So what if my stories doesn’t rhyme or have clear beginnings, middles and ends. . . those stories create a sum total of me. Life’s messy and I suck at all things domsetic (except cooking) so I accept the mess and keep moving.

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The One Where I Went on a Blind Date

A lot has changed in the world of dating. Ten years ago it was a big freakin deal to even do the internet dating. Now there is an app for any and all kinds of dating. Wanna hook up? Wanna date a Jew? A farmer? Looking for same sex options? You name it, they have it.

Which begs the question, why didn’t I major in program development? But I digress… I work with some young kids. I am often reminded of what my life used to look like as well as what it would look like if I were their age. I’ll pass on both options. They did suggest Bumble, a dating app that makes the female reach it first once a match is made. Think Tinder but less sleazy.

Ive tried it off and on in the past year, with little success. There was one guy, Bradley, that seemed cool but it never went anywhere. I think he was hedging his bets with multiple options and instead of saying, hey, I’m dating someone, he just poofed. Another guy I kind of got to know was interesting but I just couldn’t pull the trigger to met him. Too much time to think about it which makes it virtually impossible for me to follow through.

And then this joker…moved here a year ago from Alabama, my age…not necessarily my type but since I’m not getting any younger and I’m no longer that tiny little thing from ten years ago, I kept an open mind. He seemed funny and the online chatting seemed to be easy. He asked to meet up for a drink that evening. Ok, not giving me time to analyze so I say ok.

First impressions…no spark. He was funny but red flags starting flying. We are at a place on my side of town. He doesn’t offer to pay for my drink, no problem. We sit and start chatting when one of his buddies walks by and they start to chat. Weird vibes as they talk and then both start asking if I have single friends for a double date.

Nashville is no longer a small big town, bumping into people you know, especially when you are across town from where you live doesn’t happen often. And these two jokers are chatting, sizing me up and just all around weird with red flags flying. His friend finally leaves and guy starts asking a ton of questions. But the best part was when he explained he felt like I was a red flag because I haven’t been married nor had children by 43. He decided to give me a chance though. Wow, how charitable.

When I explained that while I had really wanted to get married and have kids, it just hadn’t happened, he began asking what was wrong with me. Umm, ok. I guess the only real mark against me is my taste in men. I have heard stories of women giving ultimatums, manipulating the situation to get their own way as well as guys just relenting and saying, well, we’ve dated this long, guess this is the next step.

Do you know where most of those examples are now? Divorced.

When I asked him about his time being married and his kids, the only response I got was, they’re grown. He refused to give any details that pertained to him. But he felt comfortable enough to discuss how I was dressed, that I needed to wear heels,  be more feminine and what size I was in actual clothing. Nice eh?

I knew it was time to cut and run. He kept asking if he could come to my house to watch hockey. Umm no, I just met you. He then walked me to my car, tried to kiss me, when I stepped back he asked to come back to my place again and then tried to kiss me again. Short of knocking him out cold, I told him I barely knew him, he was not welcome in my home nor was I interesting kissing him.

I drove off, ran a couple of errands and cringed at what a horrible experience it had been. The next day he texted twice and called once. I politely responded with the following, “you e given me plenty to think about as I didn’t realize my lack of marriages and kids were red flags. At this time, I am going to work on me. Thanks.” And then I blocked him and deleted the app.

What did I learn? That apparently as long as you can say you were married it doesn’t matter. Settle up ladies and gents! Because those divorcées will judge you if you haven’t been married and had kids with a variety of people.

Umm yeah, I think I’ll just wait and if it happens, great. If not, at least I’m alone for the right reasons and not in a relationship for the wrong reasons. And those with multiple exes can judge me. Cheers!

 

Because It Could Only Happen to Me

There are times when I truly think my life should be one of those cheesy romantic comedies. .. well, light on the romantic, heavy on the comedy. I’ve joked before about exes popping back up in my life. I even did a brief tour to visit boyfriends from the past last year.

Of course, nothing could prepare me for the boy coming back into my life. Sure, we live less than five miles from each other, our offices are less than a mile away but running into him? Nah. In fact I had put the boy in the file marked old history. My trip through the past last year allowed me to go back to DC and make peace with what I considered a disaster of a trip.

Of course every time you think that your past is in fact comfortably sitting in the past, it does like to pop up. As usual, the boy didn’t have my phone number but he had my email address. Something tragic had happened and he needed a friend. He knew he didn’t deserve it but he was asking anyway. So I called.

He told me what happened and some of it went right over my head because I was in shock. I was having a hard time putting it all together and could only say I was sorry to hear that. The boy apologized for being an asshole to me, being a shitty friend, all the stuff that Bubba had said all those years ago. He went on to say that he would appreciate meeting up for a drink at some point but then prefaced it with he didn’t want me to think he was using me and that he wasn’t just leaning on me because it’s easy (well something to that effect, it’s been a few months). And in perfect self defense mode (ala making fun of myself so there would be no way I could ever be rejected) I explained that I had gained a lot of weight and that there wouldn’t be one ounce of attraction for me. . .

Then in a small voice he said, I just want you to be healthy.

Maybe his reading my blog made him see some things, maybe it didn’t. Maybe the women who came after me made he learn a lesson. I don’t know but that was the very first time he responded with a neutral comment about my health and not something about losing weight or some kind of goal I should have for myself.

After watching DC guy react to how I looked last year I was at least prepared for some kind of reaction from the boy. I mean, this isn’t a few extra pounds, it is quite a bit and it affects everything in my life now. To his credit, he didn’t let his reaction show. Now I can come up with all kinds of things probably running through his mind however I torture myself enough with the harsh words, so we will skip this part.

We talked on the phone, texted, met for a drink and when the shit would hit the fan, he leaned on me to vent. I may suck at romantic relationships but I rock the friend one. And just like that, it was as if no time had passed and we were old friends. I will say, I have some bitterness with eHarmony because the boy was a perfect match. We got along, had tons in common, could talk for hours but (because there is always a but) where I was flexible (to the point of being steamrolled by almost any guy I dated) he was rigid. If I willingly gave up control of the tv for a program he rarely did so for me. The boy let me in to a degree when we were dating but kept some walls up.

And maybe that is why by the time Chandler got me, he had a lot of demo work to do. Why let someone in, be so open, showing everything about you when the other person only shows snippets? You don’t get as hurt that way.

The boy has grown as a person and I now have that relationship I had with Bubba with him. I can be honest, tell him that I think something is stupid because I don’t have anything to lose. I am probably quite mean to him when it comes to being blunt. Its a gift that was born out of the rubble from the Bubba debacle.

We’ve hit that nice stretch where we are friends, we will go to dinner, talk about concerts and sports. It is nice. I watched his face when we were at Iron Maiden last month. Pure joy to be seeing one of his favorite bands. It’s the look I imagined I had for most of my trip to NYC last Christmas, when something you love so much becomes a reality.

I hate that the reason he popped back into my life was because of a tragedy within his life but I guess when you need friends, you need them. Hopefully he will find peace and happiness in the future. As for now, I will enjoy talking food and sports with him.