I’m ready for November 6th, the Peanuts movie is coming out. . . I wonder if the Wookster would like to go with me?
The final Hunger Games movie comes out next month AND then of course Star Wars comes out in December. So excited! Of course I will need to take a loan out for all of the movies I want to go see.
I also need to pick up the original Star Wars on BluRay, always on my list and keep forgetting to get them
I am currently kicking butts and taking names with fantasy football, still not sure how that has happened but I will take it
My Steelers need an infusion of something, not sure what but we need something
I went with Stace and her family to a pumpkin patch a week and a half ago, we were there exactly 15 minutes and Mr. E hurt himself, as in, let’s take a trip to the ER.
OMG, I just wanted to trade places with him since little man is such a cutie. I offered all kinds of matchbox cars, Stace said no.
Lots of interesting people watching in the ER on a Saturday night, also met a really nice Lyft driver who took me home when we realized that after several hours we were going to be there a few more hours.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked a guy if he wanted to get a coffee. . . well, it was a FB message and I totally tried to sound laid-back, like no biggie. . . his reply? Thanks but no thanks
To be fair, I was thinking of it as more of a, “this is a great way to get out and do something” but it is what it is
I have already planned my birthday (yes, the one in January) going to Chicago to visit friends
I also have some more traveling to do, so I need to plan, plan, plan
I also want to look into taking some cooking classes
And make fresh pasta (why does the KitchenAid attachment cost so much???)
Would it be inappropriate to start a GoFundMe for my trip to London? I mean, I have made all kinds of bad choices in my life but I am a 41, never been married girl, so surely that’s something. .. .
Now I must go obsess over my team cause it’s not looking pretty right now.
I used to say that Popa was like a Timex watch, he took a licking and kept on ticking. It came from the multiple health issues during the last few years of his life. Whatever happened, he still smiled and kept plugging away. Even when we had to take food (one of his favorite things) away from him. Between the feeding tube and his walker, you would think that would have slowed him down, but nope, the man could move lightening quick and very quietly when he really had a hankering for something more than his nutrition shakes.
I admired how he was always happy, willing to see the bright side to every situation. There are times that I love to think that I have even an inkling of his attitude. And there are times where I am quite sure he would be disappointed in me because I go into my hole.
My good friend Cherry reminded me of this hole I like to crawl in from time to time. It is a coping mechanism for me. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t do anything to cause the bad situation, I beat myself up. I look back at the decisions and realize I haven’t learned a damn thing.
Depression and anxiety sucks, I have dealt with it since I was 33. I have made jokes about it, I have talked openly about it and I have tried to share with my friends in order to help them when they find themselves trying to dig into a hole.
The whole Allan thing (again) really knocked the wind out of me. While I know it was the right decision and I am happier than I had been, it is still hard. I still have moments where I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I still care about him and the bug. I still worry about them and I pray that his decisions are for his kid as opposed to what he wants. But I can’t control the situation and I can’t compete with his desire to have constant drama in his life. The “I’m sorry I pulled you into my mess” excuse grated on my nerves last time and this time it just set me off.
We all have to take responsibility for our “messes” instead of dragging others in or using that as an excuse when the grass looks greener on the other side. We also have to respect those we have in our lives.
I am taking responsibility for my contribution to “the mess” by finding simple pleasures in my day to day life. I take time each morning to be grateful for the day, I love on the Wookster and I truly appreciate the job I go to daily. Sure, Monday kicked my ass and I am sure there will be plenty more of those but I love the fact that I don’t have a sense of dread when walking into the office. That I have nice coworkers and a boss who has decorated my cubicle with plants (those poor things, I cannot promise anything due to my black thumb).
I am fighting back against the running commentary in my head about what I could have done or should have done. I am fighting against those voices that tell me I was not good enough for him. And yes, there are times where I just want to sit and cry at yet another failure but for the most part, I find happiness in each day. There are triggers and I am learning to cope with those, just as I have learned to cope with my depression and anxiety.
I may not be throwing back mass quantities of Jack Daniels and partying all night but life is kind of okay. I can look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am being honest with myself, my friends and my family. I don’t have to hide anything or pretend that things are one way when they are really another.
I am realizing how I have taken my friends for granted and I don’t ever want to do that. They are family and I love each and every one of them. All I ask is for patience as I work through this and yes, there will be times when I don’t feel like going out or I agree but then back out. But I will get there.
In the meantime, I will be working on getting me back, losing some weight and actually keeping a tidy house. I am also going to get back to telling that story because with each failed relationship I am reminded of someone who loved me way more than I deserved.
There are times in my life when I think things can’t get any better and then times when I think life can’t get any shittier. This is a post about both, at the same time, because this is my life we are talking about. . .
I moved back home (Nashville) a little over three years ago, taking a position with a company that I was very familiar with and had thought, gee, I would really love to work there. While I loved my job, my coworkers, etc. my boss was umm, a challenge. The boss kind of reminded me of my orthodontist. . . I wouldn’t wear my rubber bands on my braces and my next visit would be, Wow! Great job! but then the following month I would wear them and he would say, This is horrible!. Yes, someone talking out of both sides of their mouth yet not really making any sense. That was my boss. In the end, after much back and forth I took a leap of faith and ended up with a job that I feel like is a better fit for me.
I have had bad bosses before, I have had coworkers who were bullies and I have also had the pleasure of working for family (something I don’t recommend). But with each challenge I have always kept plugging away because, well my parents aren’t wealthy and even if they were, I was cutoff a while back. I have always taken away with me new lessons, reminders to always be kind and grace to not burn bridges.
But the personal side of my life has taken a hit as well. One week before I start my new job I am relearning how to be on my own. Trying to not beat myself up too much but I do feel like an idiot. While I don’t believe I did anything wrong, I am embarrassed. Maybe that is a gene Allan didn’t get when the good Lord was passing out feelings. The Bug took the news okay, at least that is what he told me. I opted out of that discussion.
I pray that whatever it is he is looking for he finds it but I don’t want him darkening my doorstep with apologies.
It is hard to find yourself feeling so grateful for having this little family to call your own and then it is gone the next day. I remember several times when we were spending time with his siblings and their significant others, feeling overwhelmed that these were my people. That I had lucked into such a warm, opening family, cause let’s face it. . . I have had the opposite experience before (umm, Bubba’s family?!).
So here is to new beginnings on all fronts of my life because hey, when it comes to really stinking up the joint, I do a great job.
15 years later and that brief moment where our country came together is now a distant memory. Today everyone hates everyone, someone is to blame for someone else’s lot in life, our political system is broken and it’s all just sad.
I will stress this little lesson I learned when I was kid, there are always bad apples in every bushel. Can we please stop making blanket statements about people based on the color of their skin, the religious or sexual preference? There are good people in this world, lets shine the light on them, let’s respect each other and understand that there are a lot of ways to get from point a to point b.
For those who lost their lives on 9/11, they were just going about their lives. They died because someone hated us enough to high jack planes and crash them into buildings. Think about that, what can we do to make the world a better place? Because this is a piece of history I do not want to see repeated.
14 years later and I still don’t have the words to express how much this one moment in time touched me. The attacks on New York City, Washington DC and Shanksville, PA made me realize that we were not immune to such senseless acts of violence.
14 years later our nation still struggles with how we treat others: race, sexuality, religious beliefs. . . we are all still at each others’ throats because neighbor A doesn’t fit into our box of beliefs and neighbor C puts their trashcan on the right side of their driveway. Yet people are still dying because one party believes they have been wronged by the other party.
Did we not learn anything from 9/11?
But today, let us put all of our differences aside and remember those who lost their lives and to those who have sine passed. Hold tight the ones you love and always be thankful that you are here another day.
Last year I decided I was going to figure out how to make pasta sauce. .. I am such a fan of going to the farmer’s market and while I am not the healthiest of eaters, making food from scratch helps offset the addiction to chocolate.
Then I realized that I would either need to start feeding the entire neighborhood or freeze the sauce. So every weekend I would hit up the local markets, buy all kinds of colorful tomatoes and cook. Basically, my weekends consisted of football and cooking. But I had a problem, the whole getting the sauce in ziplock bags was messy and I ended up with limited space in my very small freezer.
Enter canning: okay here’s the deal, my granny used to do this canning thing. I don’t remember it but I remember my mom saying that it was tricky and well, mom did have a full time job and family back then, so no canning. I first went to Google, aka my bestie, to figure out what was needed, what I would need to do and the most important part, not harming myself or others with this little venture.
I had no interest in using a pressure cooker because, hello, I am a disaster waiting to happen. After consulting a few people here and there, I came up with the tools needed to can and tried it one weekend this past summer. I have learned that it gets very hot in the kitchen while trying to can and that no amount of cold air will keep you from sweating.
I was a bit miffed when the first few batches came out and I only yielded about seven jars of sauce. But I just keep marching forward, buying more tomatoes, bell peppers and onions. The Green Door Grocery loves seeing me pull in on Saturdays because they know I am about to have a field day with their produce.
Yesterday I made my weekly visit and went big this time. . . 20 pounds of maters for about $1 a pound. These are the seconds, the ones that don’t make it into their CSA baskets. To me, they are just fine to cook with, so let me grab several boxes! Just kidding, I believe one box per weekend will keep me busy.
This morning I quartered tomatoes, bell peppers and onions. . .dumped my seasonings and olive oil in to three stock pots and let them loose on the world. I also made salsa (thank you Alton Brown for the recipe, PERFECT!), This weekend’s yield: 15 jars of sauce. . .
People, I still have several more weekends of fetching maters, put your name in for some sauce. I think at some point I will try canning salsa and while I am at it, my BBQ sauce. I really should branch out more but I only have limited counter space for prep work.
The most satisfying part of this is hearing that little POP! when the suction has completed. My mom even likes my sauce. Who knew?
Doing some really rough math, each jar of sauce costs me about three bucks, which is about on target with the sauce at the grocery store but doesn’t have the preservatives and junk in them.
So yes, I have a problem, I can’t stop buying tomatoes and making sauce. I would apologize but I do feel like this is a great use of my free time. Maybe one day I will show up on Food Network hawking my skills. Or maybe I will just hope to have my dream kitchen at some point.
For a self-professed writer, clearly I suck. . . at least the past few years, when it comes to blogging. And each year as I renew my site I always say, I really need to get back on here and write. And I do, for about a week and then I get lazy. It is what it is but I am going to try to navigate the latest changes in my life and share them.
Allan came back into my life and after really working through letting him go and moving on, I ended up saying. . . okay. But of course it is a lot deeper than that and the process of really letting go made it possible for me to forgive him. I was really struggling with what I should do back in January.
But then Chandler came to me in my dreams and told me it was going to be okay, that he gave me his blessing (for lack of a better explanation). I have always loved it when he visits me because I always feel such peace and love when I wake up. A few days after his visit I told Allan about it. Of course he was thinking, “she is cray cray” however he also knows the back history with Chandler and knows how much he meant to me. I believe his reaction was more of fear because he knew those were some really big shoes to fill.
The past almost nine months have been fun, challenging, maddening and happy. We have also watched while good friends dealt with relationships ending which brought to the forefront the hurt that defined us before. In the end, we started discussing our future, what we both wanted and didn’t want; discussions that had never really happened before. We decided to take the leap and shack up together.
We had long discussions about it, we had talks about some concerns I had and we also had to take into consideration his daughter (from here on out called Bug). Because the last thing either of us wanted was creating more drama and upheavel for a ten year old.
The hardest adjustment for me is that beautiful, smart kid. I have never made a secret of the fact that I wanted a child of my own. But life happened and at my age I knew that having my own wasn’t in the cards. But life is kind of funny and I ended up with this ten year old who challenges me, can drive me crazy yet I still love so much. And some of the things that she does is God’s way of saying, “you did this to your mom, enjoy the challenge!”
There are days when I feel like a big, fat failure when it comes to the Bug and there are days when all I want to do is take a nap but I am reminded that my life is not my own now, I have to share it with two people that I love very much. It’s about compromise, understanding and explaining why we have to pick up after ourselves.
And biggest challenge is writing about my life now because there are others in it and while sharing the latest about Allan is completely fine, the Bug didn’t ask to be fodder for blog content. So the balancing act will be interesting because this isn’t about raising a kid, it’s about me stumbling through life and I am probably the last person that should give parenting advice.
But I will share this. . . football. . .it is almost here and I am so ready for it. This year we have ramped up our game. . . we now have three permanent tvs in the living room, Sunday Ticket has been purchased and standing invites have been sent to some of our friends. We are ready to kickoff the college football season on Thursday. Of course I scheduled the last of my dental work that afternoon, three crowns and the long, drawn out process should be completed. I should be a ball of fun that evening but I did manage to think ahead and am taking Friday off.
So I am still here, stumbling around and I am holding Allan responsible to making sure I blog. Because I can come up with a million reasons to not pull out this ridicuoulsy expensive Macbook and not write.
It is no secret that I have a huge crush on cold weather and snow, I like to think of it as making up for my dad’s decidedly negativeness towards his hometown (Shoutout to the Bronx). I get giddy as the crisp fall days turn into those bone chilling days when all you want is a huge bowl of soup.
And all I really want is a couple of good snows each winter and my desire to pack it up and move north is tempered. This year is the first year that I have heard of that stupid hashtag #snowdome which apparently is very real in Nashville. The forecast looked promising, with accumulation ranging from 6-8″ of snow greeting us by Monday morning. But then a warm front had to join the cold front and the next thing I see is sleet. Lots of sleet. .. if I posted a picture of it, you would think it was snow. But it’s all ice, as far as the eye could see.
Like any wannabe northerner, I stocked up, prepared by charging all gadgets and carted my work laptop home. I was disappointed yesterday morning when i was greeted with just ice but at this point, I will take anything that the North Pole will give me. Of course there was a small panic when I realized that with this storm came no driving for me (my streets are still covered and my slightly inclined driveway is a skating rink) and a Chick Fil A addiction that cannot be sated. I believe this is the longest I have gone without that chicken goodness since I moved to my new neighborhood.
But this is what I did do. . . I went sledding. That skating rink of a driveway is perfect for sledding. I also ended up worrying a bit too much about the limbs of the surrounding trees falling and me being without power. I dealt with that during the Blizzard of ’93 and let me just say, hanging out with dad for a few days while mom was carted off to work still makes me twice.
Important items needed for Ice/Snow storms:
Portable charging devices that will keep cell phone and iPad charged just in case
Julia Child’s Beef Burgundy
Chips, crackers, cheese
Black yoga pants
Sister Schubert Cinnamon Rolls and Sausage Rolls
They are calling for snow tonight and hopefully we will get some. While others may complain, I am loving the weather. I will be stir crazy by the time I make it out of the driveway, but that’s okay. I can still remember those 100* plus days chock full of humidity from last summer, so give my snow and cold weather and I will keep my trap shut when it summer hits.
My fellow countrymen, lend me your ears. . .it’s a new year, a new slate and since I bought that fancy Macbook last year I guess I should use it. This week’s Tuesday Randomness is brought to you by John Boehner’s tan, Joe Biden’s Words with Friends and Anderson Cooper’s “people won’t listen if you talk over each other” mantra. Oh yes, The State of the Union is here! I just want to be the Sergeant of Arms so I can yell, “The President of the United States!” But then again, I am a huge fan of ˆThe American President and that was one of the greatest scenes. I digress, let’s just get on with it.
Snow, where the hell is it? I want snow, I need snow and I deserve snow, I have been good all year, I promise.
I already miss football, it’s going to be a long off season
At least my Preds are doing well. . . I needed it after my end of the football season collapsed in a blaze of glory
My old man crush, Crispy (Terry Crisp, former color commentator for all of the Preds game) is still going strong. I bumped into him last fall in Whole Foods but managed to control myself. I did however stalk him at the game a couple of weeks ago and got another picture with him.
Gnash also kissed my hand that night
I am currently training for the Hot Chocolate 5K
I have also learned that training in the neighborhood as opposed to hitting the treadmill at the Y is better
I am a bit apprehensive of this race since this will only be my second race as well as my first on my own. . . I know what works and doesn’t. . . so hopefully I can hit my goal of under 45 minutes (I’m really slow)
I finally watched The Other Woman. . .I pink puffy heart Leslie Mann, she is a rock star comedic actress
My DVR is struggling to keep up with all of the shows I have programed to record but I will blame the football season for that
I discovered onion jam. . . yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is such a thing. . . after a quick Google search for pastrami I discovered this little concoction and it is GOOD!
I am still in love with DirecTV and am saving for Sunday Ticket this year after my first year with it.
The temptation to get Center Ice is there but if I had to prioritize Sunday Ticket will always win
The Wookster is still a spoiled mess and has now discovered the wonderfulness of laying on the vents when it gets cold
I am jonesing for a visit to NYC and DC. .. too many places and too little money
Santa was very good to me, I am now the proud owner of the professional grade KitchenAid Stand Mixer, it’s big, shiny and red, I call it Big Red
The 20th anniversary of my 21st birthday is coming up soon, such memories. Kids, don’t binge drink, it isn’t worth it
While I appreciate some of the documentaries that Michael Moore has produced, I have to say this, snipers are not cowards. Anyone who is willing to go into harms way for my right to say what I want with no guarantee of coming back in one piece is a hero.
Did I mention I really could go for a good snow. . . .just one, preferably when I have my work laptop with me
And there you go kids, I believe the political spin doctors are still blowing hot air up the collective news medias’ tushes but it’s time for me to hit the hay. After all, I am close to the 20th anniversary of my 21st birthday. .. .
I like no LOVE the Steelers. It happened years ago, I was abducted by a family of Steeler fans and given the kool-aid. I haven’t been the same since, which is fine because while it may seem a bit strange to live in the middle of TN Titans country, I have crossed paths with some really cool people since adopting them as my team. I still cheer the Titans on except when we play them. I think that is fair.
So the past few years when they have played in Nashville I have gone and they have lost. . . as in, let’s find a way to really stink it up lose. I was so nervous going into last night’s game because we needed that win and my track record has been, well horrible. So here it is, a hundred below freezing, flurries, bitter wind and oh yeah, me, the cursed one. I am well aware of my track record when it comes to men and relationships and you know, I am okay with that losing streak but not my Steelers. Leave them alone.
Last week I was invited to a meet and greet sponsored by the Steeler’s newest app for the organization: Steeler Nation Unite. I met Craig Wolfey (former Steeler and voice of the team) as well as some front office staffers. I caught a glimpse of the Monday Night Football team and Coach Tomlin. That was Sunday night and I was beyond giddy at this point because I tried on a Super Bowl Ring, got to meet other Steeler fans and geeked out on all things football.
I drove home from the meet and greet dreaming of a win and a job offer from the Steelers. . . I never said I was rational when it came to my dreams. So Monday morning it was cold, snowing and did I mention cold? I layered up for work. . . making sure I had my bumble bee socks on for all to see. If I thought I could get away with wearing my jersey to work, I would have trust me. The morning flew by but then at about 1:30 the clock just stopped. Ugh, longest afternoon of my life.
And then I found out I got a field pass. It was better than Christmas morning around here. It was a good news/bad news type of thing though. They only had one and my inner selfish football crazy girl came out and said, “oh my friend doesn’t like the Steelers so no worries, mine, mine, mine!!!!” He didn’t care, in fact he was still coming up with ways to end my life because of this very cold evening of football. My only request was that he would hold off on offing me after the game. I have priorities.
I walked out onto the field and from that moment on I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know which way to look, what to take pictures of and I wanted pictures of the players but I didn’t want to bother them. So I probably looked like a fish with my mouth wide open. But it was one of the coolest things I have ever done and I got to observe how a team gets ready for the game.
Oh and don’t mind me gawking. . . that’s just Mr. Rooney walking in front of me. . .
My true nerdy self got all dorky with a selfie in front of the MNF team. . . they really wanted to be in the picture.
I’m cold, I can’t feel my tush but I am beyond happy to be watching my team play and swinging that Terrible Towel.
And while the first wave of people who sat behind us were mostly Steelers’ fans, they kept spilling their beer on my jacket and their token Titans fan friend about took a head dive into our row. So it was with great joy that a group of guys ended up showing up late and reclaimed their seats behind us. They were all cute but there was one that I wanted to trip all over myself to talk to. . . translation. . . I grinned like a dork and said a handful of words to, including, “you have pretty eyes.” If anyone wondered how I have managed to stay single for so long, wonder no more. I chatted up the rest of the guys, they called me honey bee and bumble bee, teased me for my choice in football teams, swatted their Titans towels at my shoulder and bought me drinks but the one that I thought was cute I barely talked to and certainly didn’t ask him his name. But blue eyes said I looked like his best friend and that I would look better in blue instead of black and gold and I said. . . you have pretty eyes.
I meant it but I also wanted to say, you have the kindest eyes ever and I am so awkward but damn, you are cute. . . are you dating anyone? I like football, hockey and can cook like nobody’s business and have the humor of an adolescent boy, wanna go out? But I just blushed, stole quick glances and gave probably some of the stupidest faces to him. All the while hopping up and down trying to stay warm.
After the half they never came back, well one of them did and he said he was messaging them to come back but never heard anything. I repel men. . . see. And just when it looked like the curse was very real I told my friend I was ready to hang it up, the third quarter was almost up, I couldn’t feel my tush or my legs and my team was down. I was a sad panda. So we grabbed our stuff, I told the guy to tell his buddy thanks for the drinks and that blue eyed boy had really pretty eyes (yep, LAME) and we hauled it out of the stadium.
By the way, that curse is really real cause when we got to the car, they scored a TD and by the time I got home we were up and we won. Crisis averted, my Steelers WON!!!!! I can’t feel most of my body, I met a guy that I thought was cute (it’s been way to long) and I think I may of made a fool of myself BUT I got to try on a Super Bowl ring, meet some cool people, hang out on the field and geek out getting to see Steelers players up close and personal.
While mom still rolls her eyes and gets a bit huffy about my little change, I have to say. . . it kicks ass. I have always wanted to try being a red head but money, fear and trusting that one person who could make it look either really great or bless your heart good. So last week I walked into William Edge, sat down and looked up at Niffer. I said, well, I kind of want to go red.
After googling (people, please use the correct search words, I was schooled) I settle on a shade pointing to it with a smile on my face. I trust Niffer, she rocks and seeing as she is also a friend, if this wasn’t going to look good, she would have said no.
I am loving it, a bit of a shock from time to time. I also have to adjust my clothing to go with the tone but overall, I love it. It’s sassy. And I will always be a blonde, I just wanted a change.
And with this hair color change has come a few more items i want to do. . . I need to touch up my ZTA tattoo on my ankle, there is a small heart i want on the inside of my wrist, on my rib cage I want two things. . . one “tell me a story” so that Chandler is always with me but the other one is my Popa’s initials, he wrote on everything. So on the other side I want LEK in his handwriting. I think I will be cool after i add these tattoos. . .lol
The week is flying by (thank goodness) and my girls are coming over for dinner tomorrow night, fair warning to my neighbors. And Bird is coming up for a girls weekend. I can’t wait to hand out with her minus her girls. They don’t find the stores we like to look at as interesting. Hopefully some thumb print cookies will be making there was up here as well.