The One About Dating

*Fair warning: parents, friends of parents, kids I used to babysit but are now grown: adult content ahead and I am human. No judgements or comments. . . K? Thanks

Dating 101

In an effort to move forward (and not become a hermit. . . oops, too late) I have forced myself to create an online dating profile. Sadly, I feel like this will be an exercise in an overabundance of writing material as opposed to the dinner and a movie type dates.

On a whim last year (i.e. I felt like mocking the app) I signed up for Tinder. I am by no means a sweet, innocent girl BUT waking up to this message one Sunday morning sent me to the edge:

dude: So hungover. . .
me: sorry about that
dude: know what cures a hangover?
me: umm, hair of the dog?
dude: nah, you blowing me
me: Delete! Swipe Left! Erase! Erase! Erase

 Is that all there is? A horrible pick up line (if you can call it that) about being hungover and needing an oral? Oh and this was the first ever interaction with this dude. Next!

After that shocking exchange, I decided to be, let’s say, a bit more candid and upfront in my profile message.

If you are looking for sex, swipe left–I need more than “yo, drop your drawers” to even talk to you.

I guess I am a bit more old fashioned than I thought. Also, I grew up with male friends, spent quite a bit of time at a fraternity house and I can promise you, I have heard it all and have yet to fall for most of those lines. I can also make a sailor blush, so please put more effort into getting to know me before propositioning me.

What sent me over the edge with Tinder happened shortly after that disaster. I was matched with Stu, a friend since college who is bitchier than me. That match just seemed wrong. I texted our buddy Arch, told him what happened and he laughed. I deleted the app.

After breakup number I lost count with a double side of high school drama, I opted to have a relationship with my tv and go all hermit crab. I even looked at becoming a nun but I’m not Catholic, it would take time to convert and well I have the patience of a gnat. So I did what any single gal who had about two drops of water in her dating pool, I Googled “dating sites” and they have one for pretty much everyone, well except me, out there. Some are not safe for even my eyes.

I settled on OKCupid for now figuring that these things are time sucks and I’m lazy. . . who wants to spend several nights typing in the answer to “why I’m single and looking?” My preference would be to simply yet honestly say this:

I’m 41, never been married, no kids, disease free, overweight but trying to get back to an acceptable size (per my doctor, not a tabloid magazine). I have issues, I left my first real love because i wanted to “have fun” and have made some really bad choices since then but my 20s were hella fun minus the pill popping ex who loved to tell me exactly what was wrong with me (Yay! Emotional abuse!)

Got my second chance at love with someone who just never talked about his issues with me, after dating 2 1/2 years, he took me to NYC for the weekend (which most of my friends thought was going to be the location he would pop the question) and two weeks later he dumped me. Never saw it coming. His cousin had a crush on me and I was in a horrible place mentally, emotionally but not physically. Yes sir! I got on the being dumped diet (best diet ever!) and lost a ton of weight. Stumbled around trying to figure out what was wrong with me, had some fun with a much younger guy and attended a party where the ex and his new girl came as well and it is rumored conceived their kid in our mutual friend’s driveway. To be fair, he did call to tell me he had a kid on the way (before his family knew. . . although I guess I was the one who shared the news with his cousin). Tailspin right into cousin and knew it was wrong, shouldn’t lead him on, etc. but I wasn’t in a good place and I hurt him badly. I wouldn’t be shocked if he still was angry with me (he was really good at holding grudges). But in the end, the ex and I exchange emails about football annually, so there’s that. . . Opted to take advantage of the early 30s and skinny. HAD. A. BLAST.

Finally broke down and tried match.com, horrible meat market. Then eHarmony which begat the boy, dated him for awhile and lost my shit when he went two days before letting me know he had arrived safely in Portland. I know I dumped him for more than that but seriously, how hard is a text that says, “I’m here! Talk to you soon!”? I don’t need a play by play or crawling up my ass but letting someone know (that loves you) that you arrived safely isn’t asking for too much. I made that shallow boy cry though.

We tangled as friends a couple more times but I’m not skinny enough for him. All I can say is, I can lose weight, but that hair transplant didn’t work sweetie.

Then came Chandler, who came out of the blue and left almost as quickly. He showed me just how much he loved me by setting me free. I still regret being in DC with the boy when he passed away. But he gave me one more present. . . a very clear view of the boy’s true personality.

And finally, the past three years I have spent (off and on) with a selfish guy who has way too many vices/addictions, who only thought of himself. I never really understood people who are happier when they are miserable but he really fits that description. The drama, the need to cause upheaval and the lack of respect. . .well I got that in spades. And I kept on forgiving him and welcoming him back into my life. Love is deaf, dumb and blind. . .

So yeah, I’ve lived, had some interesting experiences but what I want is to be happy. Find that other half that is willing to be a partner, make me laugh, doesn’t cheat, lie, do drugs or have more vices than limbs. And no, I am not going to fall over and exclaim, “take me now!” I like fancy dinners but I also like grabbing Krystals. I like a cocktail from time to time but the days of tying one on are long gone (the hangovers are so not worth it anymore). I love sports, sappy movies and crude jokes. I prefer large cities, public transportation and finding the soundbites when politicos start yapping.

But for some reason I don’t think I would get many hits with that profile. So umm, let’s try this:

Goofy blonde with the humor of a 12 year old boy, loves football, hockey and soccer. I like most kinds of music, not a fan of surprises or florist flowers. I am shy until I get comfortable in the situation and I am extremely gun shy when it comes to dating. I am independent and stubborn. My friends are very important to me and if they don’t like you, hit the door jack. . .

Or maybe I should just ask how a hangover is cured. . . .

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Let’s Beat This Dead Horse. . .

Well, clearly I have been busy and at times in a stupor caused by happiness but this is me and my life is not a fairy tale. Allan decided this past summer that he just missed me terribly and wanted to work things out. . .

Having been there, done that with Bubba for years, I shoulda jumped under the nearest rock in the hopes that would protect me from foolish decisions. I woulda avoided the heartache and embarrassment and I coulda actually tried to be open to a relationship with someone else but again, really? This is me and quite frankly when I am happy I can’t write. . . I mean, who wants a happy writer?

But I allowed my heart to make the decision and after getting incredibly close to his family and his kid, it all blew up in my face. And with all his hemming and hawing it brewed down to he can’t allow himself to be happy. Okay. Take your shit and leave, blocked your number, defriended you on Facebook and opted to use my brain instead of my heart. No tears just anger because while I am a big girl and can deal with getting hurt, he did this to his kid again.

After a response of you really need to get your shit together and see a therapist, he did and then wanted to come back. . . to work on everything and pretending that what he had done shortly after Christmas hadn’t really happened.

And after making a big show of my birthday with flowers and cupcakes from my favorite NYC bakery he said he just couldn’t. . . you see, it’s him, not me. . . at least that was his line along with I’m sorry. . .

Motherf*cker, I already had enough issues with turning 40, I have equated florist flowers with guilt for years and you just took my NYC bakery and tied them to something shitty. Thanks. But then again, serves me right. I knew better, I knew that until you got yourself straightened out it wouldn’t work, my bad. But let’s drag the kid through it again and your family and all of our friends because really, in the end, it is all about you.

A friend said last month that even with all that she has been through in terms of dating, she still believed in happily ever after. After I stopped laughing, I told her that from my vantage point, that it doesn’t happen for everyone. And you know, I am okay with that, not thrilled but okay because I know I don’t need a man in my life, I would like to have one to share my life with, travel, talk about our days, etc. but in all actuality, I am fine on my own. And maybe that is where things fall apart when it comes to me and men. . . I don’t need to be saved, I don’t need a man to fix my dryer or check my tires. . . I can do all of that. I even have my own toolset now. . . thanks Allan.

I dated someone many years ago, I guess he was my first real love in college. He was super nice, kind, thoughtful and would drive through the middle of the night to get to me. I walked because I knew I had to experience more. . . more life, college, living away from my parents, finding myself. And I still feel like had I stayed and not wanted more that I would have found myself searching for more down the road. Besides Chandler, he was the only normal relationship I had. . . and in ways, I have always made choices that get in the way of me having that nice, normal life.

But don’t cry for me or feel sorry for me. . . in the end I will be okay. I love Allen and his kid (and family) but I also love me and right now, I love me more. I have been in a slump losing weight (well, if you sit on the couch and shove food in your mouth. . . ) but changing it up at the gym has kick started it, I am going to try to get out of my comfort zone in terms of being a bit more outgoing and of course I have my crazy cat to pay attention to. . . but if you want to set me up on a blind date. . . umm. . . well, I am 40 years old, dorky, still love hair metal music, rap and everything in between, am left of center, LOVE football, hockey, NYC, DC and yes, Vegas. . . I can be appropriate when it is called for, a huge foodie (hello weight gain), love to cook, am ridiculously loyal and a nurturer, a smart ass and well, I am me. . . and apparently suck at choosing men (with exception of two men).

And this is the moment when I wish I could write songs ala Taylor Swift because there are more than a few albums that could be filled with my stories.

The One Where I Try to Suck it Up

There are days where I could give my effort a solid C. My job is going well, it just sucks everything out of me, I am working out anywhere from five days a week to three….largely due to work which sometimes changes things up.

While I am feeling more settled in terms being alone dealing with the broken heart, there are times when I feel like the crying jag is just around the corner, I never know what will set it up. I don’t smile like I used to and sometimes I feel like it takes a huge effort. Of course as I see friends they do the head tilt thing while asking me how I am doing. Um, hanging in there.

I know my friends and family are worried and just want me to be happy…it’s just how do I do that? Working out daily really does help get the frustration out or at least takes it down a notch. In the end, I know I shut down.

I have been researching the eating clean which I think I will modify. It gives me something to do, I have been reading as well, a little of this and a little of that. And with football season just around the corner so I am hoping that that will help put things in place. I miss him but I can’t chase him and debate this. He made up his mind and cut me out.

And I believe that in life not everyone ends up with someone. It makes me sad but I guess the big man upstairs has other plans for me. I just never thought it would focus on me being alone.

The One Where I Swear I am Fine

Depression affects everyone differently. For me, it is more about trying to function on some level of normalcy while screaming at myself inside my head. At first I couldn’t even do the fake “I am fine” I would sit in silence after crying jags trying with all of my might to look much stronger, normal. Nothing made me smile or laugh, all I could do was offer up a rather lame he just left, said he thought the spark left. Oh and lots of “I’m sorries.”

Seriously hate those words. I delved deeper into depression, barely eating, finding things to occupy my time. Trying to forget what we shared. With Allan walking, I lost his sweet daughter, his family and friends. And all those plans he had made for us.

What made him walk? I haven’t a clue. The spark he mentioned at one point reminded me of those days in my youth when I thought those John Hughes movies really were close to reality. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And some days life does seem a little blah but having someone by your side to support as well as be there during the blah and the fun times is key.

While I shut down, not wanting to be near anyone Allan goes about his life as if the woman was no longer there. He flips the switch. Apparently his mom and I both agree he needs to see someone to talk about this with…

Do I still love him, yes. And I know much of you will scoff at this but let’s remember that after chandler it took me a really long time to get out there. Maybe there isn’t a guy it there for me. Maybe this lonely existence is what I need to get on with life. I am heartbroken, missing Allan who made me laugh, made me feel special, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I loved him for his humor, his beautiful face and his kindness. Not even the sexist man on earth could turn my head because to me, Allan was all that and a bag of chips.

I force myself to eat, I go workout four times a week, read and go to work. I attempt social settings but I am not that strong right now and it is a challenge. I don’t laugh as often as a should and there are still moments where I lose it and just cry.

I saw the boy lasts Friday at the grocery store, I knew my heart was firmly planted within Allan since I immediately turned my head and picked up the pace.

My writing has taken a beating. So much I wanted to share but I also knew that it wasn’t just me anymore; that I had a few other people to contend with so I didn’t blog. Plus, when you have that wonderful person sitting next to you on the couch, the last thing you want to do is write,

So yeah, once again I have been rejected. Maybe I should change the blog name to that.

The One Where I Got a Life

You know how people, when in an argument, will say, “Get a life”? Um, yeah, I got one and have been struggling to write since my life took an unexpected, yet very happy turn. Life with Allan is fun, busy, never stop with lots of eating to break up the monotonous tone. A couple of weeks he mentioned he hadn’t seen a post of any kind and told me to get on it. Then he asked about it last week and tonight I thought he might hold my dinner hostage if I didn’t write, so finally, I am sitting down to mark this off my to do list.

Where to start? Do I snark on how Reese Witherspoon got mouthy in Atlanta and got her tush thrown in jail? Or the ever klassy Kim Kardashian and the divorce proceedings that lasted well past her marriage? Do I comment on how stupid I think the brothers in Boston were last week when they decided to take their hatred out on their adoptive country?

For now, since I have missed out on so many opportunities dealing with current events and pop culture, I will just hit the highlights in my world.

  • After Wook’s constant binging and purging a few weeks ago, I finally got brave and took him to the vet. All is good, he just likes to binge and purge (all for the low, low cost of $189)
  • At the vet everyone commented on just how pretty my baby is and what a gentle giant he is
  • Allan offered to donate him to the vet. . .
  • At the one year mark of Chandler’s passing and his birthday, Allan has managed to say something to make me smile, understanding that he was such a special part of my life
  • While telling Allan not to engage the ass at a hockey game the other week I ended up being the one mouthing off to said ass
  • Walking into Target a few weeks ago to meet Stace I came face to face with the boy, without even missing a beat, I sped up, flipped my hair into my face and kept on walking
  • I have watched many a hockey game, can even name players and understand most terminology
  • I still just go for the fights and Crispy
  • I was talked into joining a fantasy NASCAR league, I don’t know the first thing about this so called sport but really, how hard is it to turn left?
  • My team, Mullet Mafia, is currently ranked seventh
  • I watched the Masters for the first time in a million years it seems, I still prefer playing but Allan won big betting on it
  • Who knew you could bet on golf?
  • Allan is taking me to Vegas this week, my first trip, his tenth. . .
  • Vegas to Allan = Amy to NYC
  • While he is in his conference I will be lounging at the pool. . . it’s a rough life but I will take it

Life is good, I am a very lucky girl and have been spoiled to death by him. There are days where I pinch myself because if you had asked me after the October debacle that things would work out I would have laughed but I guess sometimes you have to go through a bunch of crap to get to the good stuff.

The snarky, pessimistic girl is still here but for once, I am making sure that I enjoy the good times. But I will say the best line ever uttered to a police officer goes to Reese Witherspoon. . . you may have won an Oscar sweetie, but not everyone cares or knows who you are. . . bless her heart.

I will try to post while in Vegas because I really want to document this trip and I have to collect a few slapper cards. . .

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, a bit more hockey, throw in some basketball and a side of free agency and you can probably surmise that I have been a tad busy. So let’s get right to it. . .

  • I am digging Thrift Shop by Macklemore, great hook and dude, anyone who gives a shout out to footed pajamas is awesome
  • After hearing a rant about a neighboring county and gasp!  rental property invading the public schools, Allan reminded me that we are Westside 4 Life. . . true dat
  • Best game so far has to go to the Preds vs the Stars because who doesn’t love it when Mr. Underwood gets in a fight. . .
  • Hells Kitchen is back and I am loving it
  • I want to meet Chef Gordon Ramsey just so he can call me a donkey
  • Stu has continued his stellar record of dates disappearing after a couple times out. . .
  • I finally hit up Arnold’s Meat and Three last Friday for the first time in forever–YUM!
  • I really need some more of that
  • I also hit up Bobbie’s Dairy Dip for a malt last week
  • Tried Newk’s for the first time
  • And apparently I should weigh about a ton right now
  • 42 days and counting until Vegas, is it time to leave yet?
  • Free agency and the looming draft for the NFL is making me anxious, I need another Super Bowl for my Steelers
  • I have watched so much hockey lately that I am to the point where I am recognizing the names of the players and not for the Preds, the other teams

And now I must go to finish the rest of Hells Kitchen and then dream of another sweet win by the Preds and then possibly line of places to grab food at the next few days.

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, hockey. . . that pretty much sums it up around here. But since it is Tuesday and it would be kind of a dull read if all I did was talk about hockey, here’s some randomness. . .

  • I love me some hockey just don’t tell football, I kind of feel like I am cheating on it
  • After what seems like a million years, I finally got to go to an actual game last week
  • Besides it being a pretty awesome Valentine’s date, I forgot how much I enjoyed all the chants
  • And fights. . .
  • I am going to be tortured Sunday by Allan, he likes to watch NASCAR
  • Yeah, I don’t get it either
  • Stace’s little man E now says my name, all of the time! So exciting and I love his giggle
  • We also share a very big love of Despicable Me
  • I am gearing up for my Vegas trip by reviewing any and all restaurant menus
  • The Queen has been teasing me about my hair for a while now
  • I guess it didn’t help matters that the last time I got my hair cut and highlighted it was, um, last May
  • I finally got it done this evening, a big shout out to Jennifer at William Edge Nashville
  • I have loved Aveda’s products for years now and it seems to agree with my hair texture
  • Dimensional color and a great cut makes me happy
  • It is also great for additional ways to make fun of myself
  • Case in point~

    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .
    I really thought about just leaving the salon like this. . .
  • But thankfully common sense prevailed~

    All better!
    All better!
  • I’m a blonde again! Yay!
  • Wook thought it would be a cute idea to chew on my tulips
  • After a few choice words, I believe I conveyed the seriousness of his transgression
  • I still miss football
  • I will probably get a great nap in Sunday as well as get some reading done!
  • I kind of feel bad that I just can’t get into the sport (seriously, I could do what they do)

Aaaaannnnnndddddd, it is bedtime. The Preds won (although I thought I was going to need some oxygen), my hair is all kinds of pretty and for some reason employers think you should work five days a week. Silly people.

The One Where I Talk About Valentine’s Day

I haven’t been a huge fan of the Hallmark holiday in many, many years. It was great when I was little, more presents! Yipee! Then junior high came and so did the sending of a carnation. . . would I get one? And of course high school hits and everyone is smiling as they get their note that they have something in the office for them. I did get something one time.

By the time I was in the working world I noticed that we had regressed to teenagers again, gloating when getting flowers and sneering if you are single. I started to despise the day simply because coworkers would gloat that their SO sent them flowers when in reality, that SO was probably cringing at the thought of the cost, waste and the forced merriment of the day. And no story would be complete without a Bubba story. . .

The year I finally pulled the plug on the horrible dating cycle with him I got flowers sent to me at work not once but twice! Seeing as how my birthday is two weeks before Cupid comes to shoot everyone down I thought I had hit the jackpot. Huge arrangements that would have probably fed an entire village in a third world country. I was so lucky!!!! Isn’t MY boyfriend the best?!

Oh, did I mention that while he stated to me that he was way too busy with work and me to possibly cheat, he was in fact making plenty of room in his schedule to cheat. And those really expensive, large arrangements? Guilt flowers. To ease his guilt he wasted money (and my time) in order to not feel as guilty for his behavior. After that I became a HUGE fan of grocery store flowers if my guy wants to give me flowers. Cheap, thoughtful and no guilt to be eased.

I also wasn’t a big fan for going out on that night, another little result of my time with Bubba. Fights, tears and disappointment made me want to just ignore any kind of holiday because really, can’t a fight that ends in tears happen on just a random night? I was already used to dealing with my luck at guys disappointing me or breaking my heart at huge junctures in my life, at least give me decent holidays to celebrate.

As a result, boyfriends post Bubba ended up getting off really easily. . . a CD, a nice card, grocery store flowers, dinner cooked together at home. . . sign me up! That is what I did with Jorge, the boy and Chandler. They were all decent experiences in terms of the Hallmark holiday. And if you had asked me at the start of the new year what I would be doing this year, I would have said I was picking up something decadent to cook, watch a double feature of chick flicks and call it a night.

But I got a nice surprise shortly before my birthday and think I gave him a really nice surprise in return. We talked about Valentine’s day and I said I wanted to go to the hockey game. Fancy dinner? Nope. Flowers delivered? Nope. Just give me some hockey, gumbo at a local bar and time spent with him and I would be a happy girl. And that is what we did and it was probably one of the best Valentine’s days ever. Simple, fun and no drama. Who knew?

Allan and I both said a few times that this was one of the best Valentine’s ever…why? All of the above plus he listened to me about what I liked and disliked. I am thankful that the days of wanting the outlandish, unattainable John Hughes experience has gone. I guess in a way I have to thank the crappy boyfriends of the past for the all the letdowns and Chandler for reminding me to appreciate the small gestures.

Now the best holiday is coming up, no presents needed. . . St. Patrick’s Day. . . to be celebrated in a pub or preferably in NYC because who doesn’t want to spend the whole of the parade with New York’s finest. . .

Tuesday Randomness

I have been teased by Mother Nature quite a bit lately and I am close to channeling Stace’s little one’s terrible two tantrums if I don’t get snow soon. I am also quite proud of the little guy for really giving it his all! Having observed countless two year old behaviour in my friends’ kids I have to admit I am kind of thankful that Wook’s outbursts can be dealt with by simply giving him catnip. That noise you hear? That is the lynch mob courtesy of my friends for me laughing while this happens.

  •  I learned Sunday that Wook has a huge aversion to hot pockets. . . as in the snack food. Or at least the word. Stu set him off while talking about meeting up with some people heating one up in the middle of the night at a hotel. Wook’s rage was only calmed by some catnip and his safe space away from Stu.
  • Stu can cause interesting reactions in my cat as well as women. . .
  • I enjoyed the tweets about the Super Dome losing power as much as I enjoyed the actual game
  • In what has to be one of the best surprises, I ended up getting my birthday wish. Allan is back and while I still have moments of fear when it comes to what happened before I am taking a leap of faith.
  • Being friends first is probably one of the best ways to build a relationship
  • I finally watched Ted last week, I think we need to have more vulgar teddy bears in the world
  • I am getting a firm grasp on the game of hockey, while it isn’t football, it will work
  • I am still counting down until preseason though
  • Besides a horrible obsession with Candy Crush, I have find another time suck courtesy of myVegas. . .this might end up being intervention worthy

Short and sweet this week, I have a million and one thoughts unfortunately I am spent and my really comfy bed is calling my name.