Getting Older: The One Where I Am Bitter (Kind Of, Not Really)

I have a birthday looming. . . I remember when I was getting ready to turn 30; I was thrilled, excited and couldn’t wait until that day. Turning 30 allowed me to become really comfortable in my own skin and subsequent birthdays didn’t bother me either. Well, until I hit 35, something about 35 felt like a slap in the face. Since then, it has been kind of downhill.

I am not the biggest fan of celebrating my birthday but the reality is I should take full advantage of my birthday. One of the cons of being single is you get your birthday, that is about it. So while I read about my friends celebrating anniversaries, kids’ birthdays, etc. I stick with just this one celebration. Things happen and sometimes they don’t go as you planned them.

In my 20s I thought I would be married by the time I was in my mid 30s. Oops. I wasn’t in a hurry to walk down the aisle but I thought that it would be reasonable to think that I would get married in my 30s. Then a course of bad choices, some heartbreaking experiences and of course more bad choices led me to “I will be 40 in a year’s time and have yet to get engaged, married or even successfully date someone for any length of time.” So yes, there is some bitterness but in all seriousness, I can only point a finger in my direction. I can’t blame anyone else for the choices I have made. I guess that is one of the pluses of getting older, you figure out that most of the time those sucky moments are all your fault.

But I think the worst part about getting older is all the crap I see being advertised for “us getting older folk.” As I embrace getting closer to 40, I am looking forward to the following items showing up on my “to buy” list:

Gray Away

Going gray? Spray a bit of color on your hair to hide that dirty little fact!

Reacher Pick-up And Reach Tool

Since we older folk tend to shrink as we get older and climbing on chairs and stools are not the safest option, grab The Reacher! It makes getting those calcium pills, water pills, antacids and other items a lot easier.

Invisi Ear

Huh? What? Can you say that again? I will now sleep better knowing that I can pick up one of these bad boys before going to see a movie. I will be able to hear my shows without having to tap on the cat to ask what was just said. . .oh, not available in California.

Portable Shower Arm

Like many others before me, I want to make sure I can bath safely yet move the shower head around. Visiting friends? Bring it with you! No one should have to manipulate their body while trying to shower.

Long Reach Comfort Wipe

And it goes without saying that the older one gets, the harder it is to poop. Why add to the challenge with the inability to reach around to wipe? This handy dandy tool allows you to attach toilet paper or even wet wipes to it so you too can still wipe your own tush.

Roll-A-Lotion Buy 1 Get 1 FREE

If you can’t reach to wipe, more than likely you are having a time getting the lotion on after your shower. This tool can help you reach any body part you can’t reach with just your hands.

Dream Look Instant Eye Lift

Don’t want to age gracefully yet don’t want to fill your face with Botox? Try this out! Because it is completely normal for 80 year old women to have eyebrows that are really close to the hairline.

Air Compression Leg Wraps

Legs bothering you when you try to sleep at night? Hook these bad boys up and that circulation problem with be a thing of yesterday!

Nyloxin - Pain Relief for Chronic Arthritis and Joint Pain

As many of you know, I am not a fan of smelling like IcyHot, with a squirt into my mouth I can have chronic joint pain relief! Never mind that if this really did the trick every doctor across the states would be screaming about it from the rooftops.

Shingles Treatment

 

Got Shingles? This potion will make things all better! Who knew?!

And finally, the items I couldn’t find online but I do know about. . .

Poise Pads-“oops, I peed my pants!” will no longer be in your vocabulary

iFlash/iCool Pads-I can’t remember the name of these little life savers but I hear that those hot flashes are mean little buggers; slap one of these cooling pads on for a sweat free night’s sleep

The Hurrycane-it will stand even when you can’t! Impress everyone at the senior center with this amazing cane, gone are the days when you needed to worry about where to place your cane while sitting.

Who knew there were so many products out there for the aging crowd?! I will also get to take advantage of the senior discount at movie theaters, airlines, grocery stores and Captain Ds. The alternative is to be six feet under so I guess I will accept this getting older thing and deal with it. But word of warning to my friends, do not buy this crap for me. I think I am going to fight the inevitable by refusing to grow up and have moments where I still think I am in my 20s. The best part? Thank God for the wonderful genes I inherited from my Popa. . . I maybe just a hop, skip and a jump from 40 but I don’t look it!

The One With the Birthday

Officially I am now 38, in fantasy land I am 35 and to strangers who see me sans makeup and work clothes I am probably 12. Let’s just say that the closer I get to 40 the more delusional I seem to get because while I welcomed 30 with open arms and a countdown I am not feeling 40.

I got to say though, this past weekend was great. I highly recommend taking off the Friday and Monday around your birthday. I am still dragging a bit but I am going to blame the old age for that one.

Thursday night was spent on the road with the Queen barreling down 75 to Atlanta. Sister cracks me up. We went to Atlantic Station, a nice mix of food and shops where we met a fabulous girl working a boutique who is headed to NYC for her dream soon. So jealous of her moving to NYC as well as the fearless leap she is taking with this dream. We also hit up Strip–Steak & Sushi. Let’s just say that in my foodie little world, this was just to die for because everything I tasted was wonderful!

Friday was spent wandering around Atlanta while the Queen was at a luncheon. IKEA! was the first place I hit and again, it didn’t disappoint. I browsed around, picked up a few things, drooled over a few things and then hit the cafe. As I was getting a refill a cute boy with long hair (this would be my high school self drooling) smiles so I smile back. As I was leaving the cafe to get my cart and finish my whirlwind tour of IKEA! he says hi, asks what I am doing and what I am doing later. When I said I was heading back to Nashville he asked if I would sit and talk with him for a bit. Besides the fact I was beet red, shocked that he was flirting with me and of all places for this to happen, IKEA! I was more concerned with my shopping.

You heard that right, instead of sitting down for thirty minutes to chat with a cute boy I said I had to finish my shopping. This would be my version of “I carried a watermelon.” And again, people wonder why I am still single? Then I promptly updated my FB status with this little gem because I had to remember this for posterity’s sake.

After hitting up Atlantic Station one more time I finally made it back to where the Queen was to pick her up and then we were barreling back up 75 to Chattanooga to pick up my car. The drive to Nashville was quick until I hit traffic before Murfreesboro. One of the many wrecks in Nashville for the night. The boy and I had reservations at Miel for 7:15 and I still needed to slap some makeup on and change clothes. I did manage to make it to his place at 6:29, ran in and heard him mumbling something about you’re a girl when I said I would get ready quickly.

Dude, I got ready in no time flat and was still waiting on him to get changed. But let’s just say I enjoyed the whole cowboy boots that he was wearing. I couldn’t stop giggling and I think I finally stopped when he gave me the “it’s not that funny” look when I asked if I could call him cowboy. Maybe that is why he is listed in my phone as Sour Puss. . .

Miel was beyond ridiculously good. I finally understood how the rat felt in Ratatouille and yes, I just referenced a rodent in a cartoon.  Two nights, two great meals. I can feel the fat growing. . .

Saturday was a blur of exercising, meeting up with a very sweet friend, shopping with the boy, eating at another French restaurant and then to cap off a great day in the city I call home, dinner with four fab friends. And way too much food. But just for giggles I got sung to by the staff (while a napkin was over my head, I was red then too) while our chef was banging on a drum. Good times.

After spending a bit more time in Nashville on Sunday I reluctantly came back here and was lectured by a certain cat named Wookie. He is never happy when I am not in his presence.

Today I slept in and then heard my phone go off way too many times with notifications of birthday wishes on FB. After lunch with the parental unit, shoe shopping and getting my hair done, I am finishing up laundry and then will take these old bones to bed.

What a birthday weekend, so blessed, thankful and full of delusion because there is no way I am 38. That just seems. . . wrong.