Living in a Tunnel

I would like to blame most of this foggy living on being sick but there are a few more factors in play. My vacation to DC was supposed to be great, full of food, laughing, talking and sightseeing, Unfortunately I was still sick as a dog. This plays a huge part in terms of wakling around a city with the weather changing every five minutes. I knew that being out in the elements was not a good thing. I paid for it dearly when I finally got back to my apartment.

The boy, while we have many things in common, can let things into his life that consume him. We all have this happen from time to time, It’s just we both needed this vacation, a way to be away from everything and just enjoy. Cool man, his friend that is practically a brother to him has adictions that basically rule his life. It is horible to be trapped in such an adiction. I remember watching Bubba deal with it years ago and it didn’t matter what I said or did, he would stop when he wanted to because no amount of reasoning would convince him that life could be better, different.

In a very un Amy life stance, I began to drown out what the boy was say about his friend or the conversations with his sister and friend. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was more like, put the phone down and take advantage of this great city we are in! Enjoy it! This is our vacation. Sadly, my thoughts on the matter were met with the you don’t understand.

When I learned about Chandler, I was in schoke. I couldn’t believe it, in fact when I dreamed that first night, it was all Chandler talking to me and saying this was all a joke, he wanted to push me out so I didn’t have to deal with it. I went through the maze trying to catch him and reason with him. I finally got up and looked at my phone to confirm that yes, he was gone.

As I tried to talk to the boy about it, he shut down. I don’t know if it was me talking about and reacting about the loss of a great guy I had dated or if he just didn’t have the skill set to deal with me. But I lent an ear and listened to him repeat the latest texts, conference calls, ect about the cool boy. I was once again forced to admit to myself that the boy wouldn’t change, that his drama was first and mine had to fall by the wayside. Frustrating and disappointed is all I can describe the vacation that was supposed to allow both of us to relax and enjoy the city.

I have only had a few true loves in my life, Jorge (thanks for the kick ass diet when you left), the boy (I left him and regretted it, now we dance around the subject adnasuem until I am over it and walk, again) and Chandler who did what he thought he needed by pushing me away.

Looking at 40 barrelling down so quickly I have to do the gut check. Can I be okay on my own? I know I can, I can handle pretty much everything or as dad has always said, you don’t need a man to get far in life. I want one in my life but I don’t need one.

But this tunnel is a pain in my ass. The darkness, the random tears and go over what I have done in the past scream out at me. People joke about the padded rooms and going to a pysch ward but I get it. Sometimes the thoughts in our heads won’t shutup and those are the times you just want peace. I can feel the snotty crude trying to make a comeback and wonder just how long I can live in this tunnel before I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I almost made a rash decision to invite myself up to a freind’s place in Chicago for St Paddy’s Day but knew that price of teh ticket would make me think twice. And running away has never made the situation better. I know others are worse off than me and I should be thankful for what I have in the here and now. But sometimes you just want one good thing to happen to you instead of getting the feeling that no matter what you do, you get knocked down. I really should be about 5’8″ but years of being knock down (some of my own doing) I have shrunk.

I am going to get back on that horse though, I am going to take personal training sessions and I am going to focus on me. I want to get better, feel better and in turn be able to harass my parents into getting healthy. I may have had a shitty few weeks but I can learn from them and move on.

And that my friends is how I am going to get out of this tunnel. I am going to fight it every step of the way and maybe, just maybe through that two piece in my bag and go swimming without a care in the world.

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Into the Dark

Three years ago I went into a funk and if I were really being honest, it was more like depression. The kind where getting out of bed and going about your daily tasks were beyond difficult. I slept all the time, forced myself every so often to visit friends but for the most part indulged in the fact that I just couldn’t do it. Plaster on the fake smile and pretend that life was okay. I took meds for six months and while there are those who think that taking a pill daily is the easy way out, it was only part of my self-induced therapy.

The reason for the tailspin was my failure to see that the person I loved didn’t love me, at least not in the way I loved him. He did what he needed to do and I spent a long time criticizing myself; pointing out every single flaw. Then I started to go for walks, got an IPod and tried to drown out the voices in my head. All the what-ifs, what could of beens and how I had failed in that relationship.

And to me, I felt like such a failure. It didn’t matter that the reality was that guy had a ton of issues nor that while he questioned his feelings for me, he never talked to me about his fears or his hopes for the future. I was devastated that at 32 I was single again.

I also became a control freak in the only area I knew I could control. My eating. While my stomach revolted when I tried to eat, I also noticed the weight coming off and with each pound lost and another mile walked, I kept on. I was on lockdown when it came to eating. I would pick healthy foods, forget my love of sweets and would downright refuse to any craving the would result in binge eating. For while I am a one woman binge machine at times, I hate to throw up; hence the yo-yo weight gain.

And by the time I started a new job and started hanging out with my friends again, I was a skinny minnie. And I loved it, I loved the small clothes, the looks from others and my friends praising me for that surprising weight loss. I even thought (stupidly) that being skinny would win back that love. I was wrong on the front and am actually thankful that things worked out the way they did.

Then once I finally found myself happy again, I gained the weight back. All of it. My granny even called me out at Christmas this past year, saying I REALLY needed to lose some weight. I knew that I did, really wanted to but I was happy. I was with the boy and he could cook. But I was embarrassed by how I looked. Mortified and ashamed that I had taken to binge eating yet again, I strived to eat better and exercise. But I have the attention span of a gnat, so the weight barely budge.

Walking away from the boy and stresses from recent health concerns caused my stomach to revolt and behave as it did three years ago. The weight has started to fall off, albeit a bit more slowly this go around. I still find myself quite controlling when it comes to food and have found myself lost in thoughts of what could have been and if onlys.

That darkness that I felt those three short years ago have crept back in but I do make it out of bed, go to work and from time to time, grudgingly hang with friends. I have find myself going back to my IPod and walking. Although it is much easier now that I have 16 pounds off and don’t feel like a beached whale in gym shorts.

I thought I saw the boy yesterday running down the main road where we both live. I was on my way to Sonic for my usual Diet Cherry Coke for the pool and saw him. Immediately my stomach hit my throat, my thoughts were all over the place and I just wanted to cry. I threw in my copy of Motley Crue and turned the volume up to try and drown out all the voices that run wild in my brain. I didn’t even want to be at the pool once I saw him but I managed to get out there and worked out; running many laps in the pool in the hope that maybe I could find a way to control the out of control emotions I was having at the time.

Once I hit the shower, I fell apart. Sobbing those horrible sobs that I hadn’t done in awhile. I miss him and all that went with him. I went to bed early in the hopes that I could somehow wake up feeling better. Then I dreamed about him, fighting for him, for us and woke up realizing that the face to face meeting was only a dream.

I know that I will eventually get out of the darkness and this time I don’t have the meds like last time. Maybe I am more in control than I think but I also know that if I could, if I were brave enough, I would show up on his doorstep to talk to him. I know that I won’t because really, my pride might be in tatters but I can’t see myself embarrassing more than I already have.

It is just so hard to put everything in perspective, to see if what I chose to do was the right thing to do. The darkness isn’t nearly as scary as it was last time but that could be that having been there, done that, I get what I have to do.

I took a walk this morning, partly because I just couldn’t handle doing the Shred this morning and partly because I needed to get out there, walk, feel the heat, the sweat and get lost in my thoughts while listening to my IPod. I thought I saw the boy, in his car, but didn’t dare try to get a good look. If it was him, he was heading to the park to run. And then my thoughts turned to, does he think about me, does he miss me, does he want to work things out but pride and hurt are getting in his way? The pessimist in me says nah. But I hope that one day things will be better and maybe just maybe, he can forgive me and be willing to work things out.