The Time Machine

I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing, overanalyzing any and everything. It could be a disagreement with an old boyfriend or that time I watched a parent be a horrible human being in the grocery store. I tend to think that part of the reason I am always in my head is my personality while I am sure my anxiety, depression issues play a part in it too. And, I always want to be right (such a bad personality trait).

I’ve been finding quotes daily (for the most part) that puts life in perspective, to be grateful and to maybe get out of my head. This morning I came across this one. . .

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.

Gilda Radner wrote that and she is one of my personal heroes. Taking her ordinary looks and her ability to make people laugh to the next level. From her characters in Saturday Night Live to her quirky roles in movies to the most epic love story ever told. . . her love for Gentlemen Wilder and their life together.

I was raised on a healthy diet of fairytales, Disney movies and how the Prince Charming comes in the end to tie up that beautiful love story with that perfect bow. I understood that they were just stories but what wonderful stories they were! I am grateful my charmed childhood was balanced out with the neighbor kids my age being boys though. I was willing to get dirty, play with my matchbox cars as much as I was putting a dress on and playing with my dolls.

I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing my choices and playing out all the what ifs and I wishes. . . hey I have a lot of time on my hands when there is a lull between sports. I did the boyfriends of the past tour last year and while it was probably a 50/50 outcome, it did allow me to say, yep, that was the right decision. Even if I didn’t want it to end or I did because I wanted to spread my wings.

Every success and every mistake I’ve made is what makes me me. Take it or leave it, I am a non-drama kind of girl that rarely gets jealous, has guy friends and will be blunt without thinking if that hurts someone’s feelings.

I’ve experienced the weird tightrope of being friends after the relationship ended years before and I’ve also felt the pull of unfinished business. It’s strange to have a conversation and you just automatically finish their thoughts. Or automatically revert back to that person that takes care of the other one. Or those times when you look up and he is looking at you and unspoken words are exchanged. It leaves you with a “did that just happen? OR Was I just imagining things just because?”

Since I have overanalyzed most of my adult life, I will say that I tend to just lean towards it all being in my head. For better or worse, I am my own worst critic. I may have that perfect ending sitting in my head but normally my stories are all over the map, make little to no sense or huge mistakes on my part where I completely embarrassed myself.

No one has a perfect fairytale story and that is okay. I’ve also managed to write my own endings. The ones where I finally decided to stop waiting around for Prince Charming to whisk me off my feet and see the world. It is terribly freeing when you let go of what society thinks you should be doing and make it up as you go along.

I’ve expanded my sports knowledge, introduced hockey to my dad, traveled to some of my favorite cities in the US, worked on me (a lot) and learned to be a better friend and auntie. I’ve even gotten back to my love of music, taking in quite a few concerts this year.

So what if my stories doesn’t rhyme or have clear beginnings, middles and ends. . . those stories create a sum total of me. Life’s messy and I suck at all things domsetic (except cooking) so I accept the mess and keep moving.

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2017

A new year, a new me? Nah, resolutions never seem to stick. But I can say that I took last year to regroup, refocus and to challenge myself.

I started a new tradition by traveling to Chicago for my birthday, this year it will be Vegas. I struck out on my own the following month by going back to DC. It had been a few years since I had been and it was a great way to get my feet wet in terms of traveling by myself. A girls trip to Vegas later in the spring and finally, going to see the big tree in NYC.

I have always loved to travel but traveling for work was, well, work…if I had the time I didn’t have the money, if I had the money, I didn’t have the time…and then the whole fairytale of wouldn’t it be great to travel with my significant other? And since that was a solid yes I would delay a trip just in case. So I finally woke up and accepted that that stupid Prince Charming wasn’t coming and screw it if he did, I can do this by myself.

And you know something? I love traveling by myself! I can cram everything in that I want to do, shift it around, change it up and at no point do I have explain why to anyone. So I’m planning trips with friends and without them this year. If they want to come along for the ride, great.

As it has been for the past ten years or so, I’m battling with my weight. But I’ve finally come up with a plan that should work. It’s realistic, small goals and it’s about me becoming healthy, not fitting into a pair of jeans. I meal prep for the week, I switch out at least one soda for water and make myself eat breakfast. Since I love to cook, I spend more time going through the peremiter of the grocery and culling down my use of processed food. I love soda however I’ve managed to quit diet sodas so that’s a plus.

I’m spending more time stretching, walking and being realistic about working out. If I fall down, I just get back up, no big deal. Now if I could just figure out how the ladies in NYC look flawless coming in and out of the subway without looking like a sweaty mess during the winter I would be thrilled.

Love life? Hahahahahaha, you know I’ve tried to put myself out there but I think for now I’m happy with just being on my own. My judgement sucks (clearly) but I’m more concerned about being happy. It’s all about finding the good in life. Sure, some days suck and it can be frustrating but I try to remember that it’s just a day.

The Wookster is 17 and just slays me with his crotchety old self. He’s the best thing since sliced bread. He keeps me on my toes with his demands of routine and whatever is pissing him off at that particular moment.

So yeah, 2017 is about making strides to be a better person and I think I can do that…

Tuesday Randomness

Last week was a blur and not in a good way, I got the crud which turned into an almost week long nap. Good times. . . today was the first day I woke up and didn’t feel like I was in a tunnel. Improvement! But let’s get to it people, maybe I can scrounge a few random thoughts together. . . at least I hope I can because my poor brain took a beating from being sick.

  • I was completely set, excited and ready to cheer on the Fighting Irish in Chandler’s memory last week but he must have known I would take the game way too seriously since I passed out after Bama scored their second TD.
  • I know Chandler was enjoying the game from probably the best seats, with his dad, up in heaven and wouldn’t care who won.
  • Being couped up in the house for the majority of the week wasn’t really all that fun and even more frustrating was the fact that I needed a nap after a round trip to the kitchen to get a drink.
  • Before the sickness, I had a Saturday out with my BFF Stace, a lot of fun browsing through stores, chatting and one minor moment where we both agreed that I might have had a wee bit of bitterness shining through my Year in Review post. . .
  • But even after debating it in my head, I stand by that post and those raw emotions that I did feel when I went through some of it
  • I also learned that Bubba blocked me on FB (oh! the horror! the horror! um, when did this happen?) the other week and I can only assume it had to do with very old photos, paranoia and a relative of his
  • As I said to my mom when she questioned why I posted many years ago photos of the two of us on FB, “he was a huge chunk of my life, especially during college and if I were to edit that history out of my life, a very large part of seven and a half years would be missing”
  • In the end, once I figured out that all of this went down (I am slow on the up take) I deleted those pictures because I was pissed, apparently even having memories of my past must mean something! (said with sarcasm)
  • And while I am on it, if I have to erase every memory, picture, story, thought and/or emotion I have felt in the past because (insert whichever guy’s name) might get upset for me thinking, remembering, writing or anything else under the sun than hell, I could only talk about grade school and even then it might be questionable because there was the little red headed boy I went with in 4th grade, Billy Bob who I have known since we were little who I went with in 5th I believe and let us not forget my very first ever kiss way back when I was a little kid and the neighbor boy gave me a quick peck on the lips!
  • Those are my memories to share as I see fit and those who aren’t even remotely innocent will always be protected by me (even if they don’t deserve it because I can be a doormat, way too nice. . . ) but damn, if you have an issue or you happen to be paranoid about something I post using words actually are more helpful than sticking your head in the sand.
  • It never pays for me to be sick, stuck in the house and way too much time on my hands. . .
  • I did get a nice surprise last week. . .there was this hat I found at Target while visiting my parents, I never saw it here though. While my parents made fun of me and the ridiculousness of the hat, I have to say, it kept me quite warm today thankyouverymuch!
  • Meet Fluffy. . .

fluffy1 fluffy2

  • Wook is having a few issues with Fluffy. Lined in pink, little pockets to stick your hands at the end of the scarf part, ears on top equates to being warm when it is cold and rainy outside. I love it and it only adds to my goofiness, so it works.
  • I have a thing for hats
  • I am now currently waiting for some snow and at this point I would even take a bit of ice just to make all this rain worth it
  • Instead I may end up crafting a boat
  • I gained four pounds during the holidays, must get back on wagon. . .

With that, I will take my cranky pants to bed and try not to imitate Waldorf and Stadler at least for a few weeks. . .

Tuesday Randomness

Let’s just jump right into this week’s randomness shall we?

  • I am over the almost Sybil like weather around here, pick a season and stick with it. Between trying to pick out something to wear daily, my sinuses/allergies cannot take this much longer. 
  • While cheesy, I did enjoy The Mistletones Sunday evening but I beg Tori Spelling to lay off of the fillers or whatever she is doing to her face. It was so puffy and at least to me, that isn’t an attractive look.
  • Confession: I purchased Taylor Swift’s song “I knew you were trouble” over the weekend. I have probably just lost about 100 cool points for that.
  • I have lost my baking mojo. . . I feel like a total failure.
  • I had to say goodbye to my stinky boyfriend, aka Shadow, my BFF’s dog over the weekend. I was keeping E while she and her hubby went out for a bit and Shadow had a seizure. A horrible, full on seizure.
  • I can handle about 98% of things good and bad but this fell into that 2% category. I felt helpless, scared, freaked out and most importantly, not in control. A kid gets sick? I know what to do and how to handle it. A dog that I love very much and know he is very sick but can’t tell me anything, I can’t handle it.
  • He has been my date for New Year’s Eve and a sundry of other things over the years. I loved my stinky as much as I love Wook.
  • It feels like everyone I love and care about leave.
  • I get that this isn’t really the truth but it seems like that is all I have been doing the past few years and that gets old.
  • And I already know that He doesn’t give you more than you can really handle but geeze, really? I am starting to think there is a black cloud floating over my head.
  • How the Steelers lost Sunday, I haven’t a clue; I finally took a nap-haven’t done that in awhile.
  • Facetime with Son and Snug always makes me smile
  • I have finally managed to go into Tiffany’s to browse and come out with not one thing marked to add to my wish list. . .
  • Of course to balance that out, I have fallen in love with several pairs of drool worthy shoes
  • In the world of weight loss. . .if I go by what I weighed when I started all of this a year and a half ago, I have lost almost 40lbs but if I go by where I was in September/October of this year (since I stalled and gained some back) I have lost almost 30lbs.
  • I will take either number though because I am below 180
  • Looking at old pictures from college over the weekend. . .umm, I cannot believe I thought I needed to lose weight. Holy cow, I wish I was that skinny again! Apparently after college I felt the need to eat for ten people at times. . .
  • Researching flights and costs for London. . . doesn’t anyone have frequent flyer miles they want to donate to me? Dear lord, this is going to be pricey. I don’t mind the cramped seat from Nashville to wherever I fly out to London but I would prefer to have the room when I fly over the ocean. Must start researching gambling or how to pick winning lottery numbers.

Now I must get back to figuring out what to get mom for Christmas, she is the hardest person to shop for. . .well besides Wook.

What Men Want. . .

I still take issue with Mel Gibson and his rants but I do enjoy watching What Women Want from time to time. I thought about that movie when I read a column last night in The Daily Mail UK. Tracey Cox, a columnist for the paper, has had a couple of interesting topics in the past week. The first one I read discussed the age old question; can men and women really be friends? while yesterday’s column was discussed what men wanted in women.

I could write volumes on my experiences with men as friends and as well as my thoughts on what they want in a mate. Actually, scratch that, I could write volumes on what NOT to do when it comes to the opposite sex. As Stace says, I have the most rotten luck when it comes to dating.

But let’s focus on the column Ms. Cox wrote . . . I have always been in the camp that believed most men wanted leggy model types. The reality shows us that the world isn’t overrun with model types but after years of watching movies, tv shows and perusing magazines we have forgotten this tidbit. Instead, we pluck, shave, highlight and diet 98% of our lives away. We strive to become these characters we watch and read forgetting that they have the help of a trainer, stylist, lots of money, lighting and the all important airbrushing.

Per Ms. Cox, several studies have been conducted to find out what it is exactly that men want in women. I was actually speechless when I read that most men are interested in the spark, an emotional connection instead of sexiness. I have been operating under the guise that it was looks first, then personality. While I will never be sexy (kind of hard when you look like you are 12 years old without makeup) my personality is kind of kick ass. Well, my personality works well with a guy’s guy. The bluntness and crassness seems to be polarizing to some guys but I won’t change my personality just to make them more comfortable.

It turns out that there are guys out there that want the nice girl. Of course if we were simply surveying the guys in my past the results would be different. I am completely honest about my penchant for bad boys. While I have grown up and moved on from that, it seems I still can’t pick a guy to save my life. Even when things *seem* perfect; the relationship ends, sometimes by my doing and sometimes their doing.

A blip on my relationship radar recently has reinforced that just maybe I am not meant to have that other half. He was a great friend, we spent a lot of time together just hanging out. As usual, I was the last to know that he might be interested. As Bubba put it, “Gee, I didn’t see that coming out of left field,”  dripping with sarcasm. Apparently everyone who knew us saw it coming, why no one clued me in on this little tidbit I will never know.

Unfortunately, just as quickly as it happened it ended. An ex-girlfriend came back into the picture and he went running back. Of course, there is a lot more to the story but I will refrain. I had heard a lot about their relationship from him and I likened it to the one I had with Bubba. A drama filled, roller coaster relationship where each person brought out the worst in the other with a lot of the past times that were once good thrown in for good measure. Needless to say, this knocked me on my ass and confirmed my thoughts on dating.

I guess the worst part has to be I was completely content being single when I moved back home. I was just so freakin’ happy to be back, with my circle of friends and everything that I loved that I didn’t really care about being single. I loved being around my guy friends, being myself (that kick ass personality that per the article stated men cared more about) that I didn’t care that nights out meant coming home to only a cat. None of that matter because I had forgotten what it was like to have someone around in that way. And really, what you don’t know is missing will not be missed.

We both shared there had been flashes of something *more* but he wanted to be completely done with his ex before moving forward. Me? I didn’t know what I was missing and I didn’t think he would be interested. He told me one night that it was over, he was done with the roller coaster; I took it in, not really knowing what to think or say. Then it happened and since we already knew each other’s story . . . we skipped that whole awkward beginning of a relationship. And I was happy, disgustingly happy. He was surprisingly open, kind, sweet and thoughtful. Sure, I knew what kind of guy he was before but when you cross the friend line, you see a whole other level.

Since I hadn’t seen this coming a mile away, I most definitely did not see what was coming next. The drama roller coaster came skidding up in front of him and he hopped right back on board. I was knocked down, just like Charlie Brown while trying to kick the football and lost a great guy and a friend. The real kick in the pants comes from my personal experience with the on again, off again relationship. I know that nothing I say will make a difference. He’s stubborn like me and will keep trying to shove that square peg into the round hole. I also see what my friends saw when I was going through this a million years ago. As a friend, I feel completely helpless because I can’t make him see reason. Actually, you do see reason, even agree with it but you keep waiting for the same effort to return a different result. Square peg, round hole.

As a more than a friend, I am heartbroken that this destroyed our friendship, I miss him and once again wish that none of it had happened. Now knowing how fun it was, how it just made sense and that it was actually very easy to cross that line makes me mad and disappointed in myself. I knew better but for once I had been completely willing to be open, no prying necessary.

So I did giggle when I started reading Ms. Cox’s columns . . . friends of the opposite sex can be friends but you both have to respect that the line is there for a reason, if you risk crossing that line, you have to be willing to sacrifice that friendship and while it has been assumed that you need to be perfect, men are just looking for what we are looking for. . . a nice person that you can connect with, have fun and be comfortable around. And here I have been so worried that I couldn’t pull off the sexy vibe.

And yes, I still wish that our mutual friends would have smacked me upside the head so I would have seen any and all of this coming. He was quite unexpected and I think that is what cuts the deepest. Good times. And probably by tomorrow, men will decide they want something totally different. I happen to think they are worse than women in some aspects.

Friends

Disclaimer:This post is for some of my Nashville ladies, this is no way implies that these ladies are better than my other Nashville ladies though. I love you all, I just happened to warn these special friends that the pictures I took would end up here. . .

I read Bloom by Kelle Hampton earlier this month, between the tears, laughter and sweetness of Hampton’s words and pictures; I finally figured out how to describe those precious friends I have in Nashville.

So, to borrow from Hampton, these people, these wonderful friends are a part of my net. The net that catches me when I fall or have a bad day. They make me laugh uncontrollably and accept that I am quite silly. With a simple, one sentence email from any of them, I know I need to rally the troops, tell them I love them and offer up virtual hugs until we can get in the same zip code. And then? Amid the talk, laughter and my silliness, ample hugs and I love yous.

They were there for me when I was dealing with female problems and had to have Charlie and Dexter (the only two things to come out of my uterus and yes, I named them) removed. I always joke about their mother hen tendencies but even now, having not seen them daily for two years, having them all cluck around me makes me quite happy.

Lady, Tuby Ruesday, Debbie Do, Cherry, Shy & The Queen

We talk about our lives, our jobs, family and normally the stories of how I consistently pick the wrong man. I take Chandler out of this list because I am still quite protective of him. What happened between us could not be helped. As much as I like to fix things and make them all better.

We also talked about dreams, possibilities as well as a very wild trip that Cherry and her family took the other month. These ladies have been my net for a good portion of my life in Nashville. I have a motley crew of friends and each one means so much to me. Who can say that their BFF opted out of a quiet evening reading Harry Potter in order to sit in the ER while I was freaking out. Or the moment Jorge dumped me without me seeing it coming, two sweet friends came running with food, wine and hugs.

I have been very lucky and blessed to have so many friends that have always willing to catch me as I was falling. What ever happens in the future, what zip codes we life in, you will all mean so terrible much to me. I will be there for hugs, love and food.

I love each of you and my Queen, my life would be princess less had you not adopted me into your royal court. I owe so much to you. My only suggest is when we go traipsing out is to maybe cut the conversation for a bit until we make the right turns. And mom, I know my way around Nashville, it is just kind of difficult when you get the Queen and I together.

To my ladies, I love you each. You may tease me all you like because if you didn’t it would mean you no longer cared.

I Am in Love

with Jason Segal. . . okay, so this is one of those silly crushes that one gets that is not realistic BUT I have to give him some love. He gave me some of my most favorite childhood memories a dusting off by writing a new Muppets movie. And he did this by showing his love and respect for the Muppets. Every article I have read about the making of this movie, the history of the Muppets and why he wanted to do this matches with probably most Generation X’s love for this genre.

Sure there is no fancy technology but puppetry is an art form that I wish today’s kids could understand. I watched Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas last night on Netflix (OMG, they have a whole holiday section so I can watch all I want without having to change the discs in the DVD player). Sure I saw the cables from time to time but I didn’t care because the magic of the story, the characters and of course my memories of it from my childhood erases those cables faster than some CGI expert.

I have been on Christmas overload the past couple of days, working on rearranging my furniture, putting the tree up, fighting with Wookie over not chewing on the tree while watching every classic holiday movie that has been produced. I have also gone back to crafting, something that I love to do but have failed to do the past couple of years. I am working on ornaments for friends and family (and a very special Tiffany themed one for myself. . . ) while looking at my tree. Not all the ornaments have made it onto the tree yet, I guess this will be a multi-day kind of project but that is okay because I am enjoying taking my time.

I have things to bake too but that will come a few weeks down the road. . .I just don’t have the time nor energy to stand in the kitchen dealing with that hot mess. But I will make my list, check it twice and then spend quality time with all of my Kitchen Aid appliances. . .I also have some presents to wrap.

But for now I am going to enjoy the mess of ornaments all around me, the twinkling lights and the fact that now I can show the can of black pepper to Wook and he quickly runs from the tree. After many trials and errors of bitter apple spray, water, tabasco sauce on the tree (all of which he likes) black pepper seems to be the only deterrent for little man.

Now who wants to come over and help me get the rest of my ornaments on the tree???? Come on, I will cook for you. And if you are ever so bold, you are more than welcome to dust or vacuum. . . see, Christmas is the season of giving. . .