I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing, overanalyzing any and everything. It could be a disagreement with an old boyfriend or that time I watched a parent be a horrible human being in the grocery store. I tend to think that part of the reason I am always in my head is my personality while I am sure my anxiety, depression issues play a part in it too. And, I always want to be right (such a bad personality trait).
I’ve been finding quotes daily (for the most part) that puts life in perspective, to be grateful and to maybe get out of my head. This morning I came across this one. . .
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end.
Gilda Radner wrote that and she is one of my personal heroes. Taking her ordinary looks and her ability to make people laugh to the next level. From her characters in Saturday Night Live to her quirky roles in movies to the most epic love story ever told. . . her love for Gentlemen Wilder and their life together.
I was raised on a healthy diet of fairytales, Disney movies and how the Prince Charming comes in the end to tie up that beautiful love story with that perfect bow. I understood that they were just stories but what wonderful stories they were! I am grateful my charmed childhood was balanced out with the neighbor kids my age being boys though. I was willing to get dirty, play with my matchbox cars as much as I was putting a dress on and playing with my dolls.
I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing my choices and playing out all the what ifs and I wishes. . . hey I have a lot of time on my hands when there is a lull between sports. I did the boyfriends of the past tour last year and while it was probably a 50/50 outcome, it did allow me to say, yep, that was the right decision. Even if I didn’t want it to end or I did because I wanted to spread my wings.
Every success and every mistake I’ve made is what makes me me. Take it or leave it, I am a non-drama kind of girl that rarely gets jealous, has guy friends and will be blunt without thinking if that hurts someone’s feelings.
I’ve experienced the weird tightrope of being friends after the relationship ended years before and I’ve also felt the pull of unfinished business. It’s strange to have a conversation and you just automatically finish their thoughts. Or automatically revert back to that person that takes care of the other one. Or those times when you look up and he is looking at you and unspoken words are exchanged. It leaves you with a “did that just happen? OR Was I just imagining things just because?”
Since I have overanalyzed most of my adult life, I will say that I tend to just lean towards it all being in my head. For better or worse, I am my own worst critic. I may have that perfect ending sitting in my head but normally my stories are all over the map, make little to no sense or huge mistakes on my part where I completely embarrassed myself.
No one has a perfect fairytale story and that is okay. I’ve also managed to write my own endings. The ones where I finally decided to stop waiting around for Prince Charming to whisk me off my feet and see the world. It is terribly freeing when you let go of what society thinks you should be doing and make it up as you go along.
I’ve expanded my sports knowledge, introduced hockey to my dad, traveled to some of my favorite cities in the US, worked on me (a lot) and learned to be a better friend and auntie. I’ve even gotten back to my love of music, taking in quite a few concerts this year.
So what if my stories doesn’t rhyme or have clear beginnings, middles and ends. . . those stories create a sum total of me. Life’s messy and I suck at all things domsetic (except cooking) so I accept the mess and keep moving.