SATC: Butterflies

The last in a series of six quotes that I happen to love from the series. While I am sure I have bored some with my thoughts, it was nice to relive some of the times that I had in my younger days. This happens to be my most favorite quote, at one point it was tacked up on my bulletin board in my apartment.

When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know; some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies..

Sometimes it is really difficult to articulate to others why I am still single. I am that girl that does dream of her wedding day and making a life with that special someone. Subconsciously I didn’t want to marry too young. I felt like I really needed to get to know myself before adding anyone else to the mix on such a permanent basis.

As I grew and learned more about myself I also allowed Bubba into my life and while there were some good times, there were quite a few bad times. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And it is so true. I allowed things that in my right mind I would be irate if others were treated that way but I was “in love” and willing to suck it up instead of standing up for myself.

It took quite a few years to get to that point and even with Jorge I managed to get it wrong quite often. The best learning experience that I had was hitting a dry spell in the dating realm. I got to know me again and look at my past and determine what I was doing wrong. I also started talking to Bubba again and began to let go of the unhappiness that I had had with him. With that friendship blooming and finally becoming more normal I realized that I had repeated some mistakes.

I also had to accept that maybe, just maybe that special someone might not be out there. That feeling comes and goes. For me, it is more important that I accept what is going on in my life right now instead of dreaming of what could be. While the boy and I are working on a friendship I did realize that I had stood up for things that in the past I would have kept my mouth shut about.

I am sure each of us can look at our friends’ relationships and point out flaws; but that is not what they are there for. You might not agree with what Jane does or Joe doesn’t do but the reality is that the relationship you see is not 100% transparent to you. Small acts of kindness maybe hidden behind the door of their relationship.

I have a friend that is struggling right now with her relationship. I believe her fear of being alone negates the red flags that are flying all around her. I get that because I have been there, done that and have a t-shirt for the disaster as well. Is it fun being alone on a Friday night? Nope but then again I wouldn’t trade my lonely Friday nights for settling with a warm body who may or may not respect my wants and needs.

I do understand that the butterflies tend to be less and less often as a relationship matures but having them is nice. What I want may not exist and if that is the case, I am okay with that. It is scary at times to know that there is no significant other on the horizon but I don’t want to settle. I want someone who gets me and doesn’t feel the need to stifle my dreams.

 

SATC: The Single Life

An ongoing series based off the quotes from Sex and the City, this one is one of the funnier ones because there are moments when I do feel like this. But it is normally a fleeting moment that passes quickly and is soon forgotten…until the next shower invitation arrives in my mailbox.

Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you …Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?

This quote also happens to be built around the stolen Manolos that Carrie wears to a baby shower. At the door she is asked to remove her shoes but when she is leaving realizes that her shoes left without her. When the hostess offers and then retracts her offer to replace the shoes, Carrie laments that when you are single, no one celebrates the fact that you are indeed single.

I received the crown of last of the single girls within my group of friends a few years ago. They are very gracious to include the third wheel or have a girls night, to which I am very grateful. Now they are starting to multiple! But I have to admit those little munchkins are quite cute! But throughout the years I have gone to showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, couples showers and wedding receptions excited and ready to celebrate. My checking account sometimes sighs, cries or flat out tells me exactly what I can get off of the registry and sometimes that doesn’t match what I want to give them that I had in mind.

While I have never minded celebrating the couple, the person or the baby, sometimes I do have to wonder what will happen if I simply don’t get married. Can I have a party to celebrate that after years of making the wrong choice in terms of men I finally figured it out and will stay on my own? That would be tacky yet I think that not adding to the divorce rate should be celebrated. Several of my friends have gone through divorce and I understand that people normally don’t go into marriage thinking, well if it sucks I can get a divorce. Hell, my parents were married before they got married and had me, so I do understand that sometimes you cannot avoid it.

While it would be dreamy to have a registry full of Manolos, Kate Spade, Coach and Tiffany, I would be quite happy to just have a night out with the girls celebrating all of my mistakes, making fun of some of the situations I have gotten myself into at an amazing restaurant.

And should the impossible happen and I do end up getting married? I apologize to each and everyone of my friends. I have been single way too long, have most of the stuff I need so if you don’t mind, just buy me a plate from the china I have dreamed about since I was a little girl. Sure it might get a little boring when opening the gifts but just think of the parties I can throw with that china.

And now I am going to peruse all the high end websites to dream, drool and possibly pin on Pinterest. Please, someone make me stay away from the site. I am having too much fun there.

SATC: Older Men

Men in their forties are like the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated, and you’re never really sure you got the right answer.

Most of the men I have dated have either been my age or younger. It may have to do with my immature personality at times that draws me to younger men. The few dates I have had with older men have been awkward to say the least. Going to the symphony, drinking wine and other such grownup things make me feel silly. And I love going to the symphony so I must just like to see how quickly I can mess things up.

As 40 draws closer I have pondered the whole dating an older man thing. I don’t have daddy issues so I certainly don’t need a man to tell me how to do things. I have also been on my own long enough to figure out how to do most things so having a man to take care of me kind of grates on my nerves. Again, people wonder why I am still single?

The closest grownup relationship I have been a part of left me giggling most of the time after each date. Dining at top notch establishments that had multi course meals, cocktails to kick off the meal and a bottle of wine during said meal while really nice also made me feel like a kid playing dress-up. The weird part is I have had these meals with friends while on vacation but for whatever reason when I was on an actual date with the guy I felt like I was a poser.

Overall, the older I get, dating gets more complicated. It is no longer a wait and see because the time for playing around is over. At least in my mind. What I want out of a relationship is for it to be simple, to know where I stand and to let the guy know where he stands. It needs to be Candyland for adults instead of the New York Times Sunday puzzle.

And studies show that women mature faster than men? I still laugh at poop jokes.

SATC: The X Factor

This is the third in a series and yes, I am late with this one but I have a wonderful reason, it is called going to the gym and not coming out until I am completely worn out and sweaty. I think this is one of my favorites (so far) because I speak from experience. . .

Later that night I got to thinking about the x-factor. In mathematics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what’s really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an x. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder… can you be friends with an x?

I wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree when it came to math and it was a struggle to get through statistics in college (and accounting. . . ) but I got a great lesson in the X factor years after college.

Bubba is the guy I had the longest relationship with, ever. We even tried living together which helped nail the coffin shut relationship wise. There were ups and downs, things said and done and a lot of hurt on both sides. But as I have mentioned before, after Jorge, I felt the urge to contact him. I just wanted to see if he was still the same person I had dated years ago.

The upside of seeing him after three years of no communication was, I was all kinds of skinny. As I walked up to where he was waiting for me I watched his jaw drop. It is still a great memory to relive in my mind today. We had dinner, we talked and he apologized.

Our friendship after such a tempestuous relationship was shocking, not only to us but to my friends that remember that version of me when we were together. There were times when we could have fallen back into old habits, temptations to see if the spark was still there but somehow we managed to control ourselves.

I also learned that I could be the bossy one now, the demanding one. As I whined about wanting a malt but didn’t want to drive to Bobbies, he would inevitably give in and come get me. Not only carting my ass to the best malt in West Nashville but would also give in and pay. We started going out for Mexican once a week and he would pay for my meal there as well. The joke became that he was paying penance for all the wrongs against me while we were dating.

As my heart began to heal from the Jorge debacle, I leaned on Bubba as a friend to try to understand what I might be doing wrong in terms of relationships. He was there when I made mistakes with Jorge’s cousin, not once but twice. He was also there when I started dating the boy.

It is interesting to start dating someone and have to explain that you happen to have guys as friends. But that was a piece of cake compared to having to explain to the boy that not only did I have guy friends but I also had an ex that was a friend.

The X factor is interesting because while I can bag on Bubba, no one else is allowed to or at least past a certain point. There were times when the boy was laughing about Bubba’s dating choices and begged me to call him to ask the latest.

Did I ever introduce them? No. It never seemed like the right thing to do. One, they are very different types of guys and two, Bubba would have preferred to go without beer for a month instead of dealing with the guy who taunted him about his choice in women.

When I made the decision to break up with the boy I called Bubba, in tears and defensive. I didn’t want harsh words from him, I wanted support and comfort from a friend. He delivered in his oh so weird way. That October, when I had to deal with my annual work event and the memories of telling the boy I loved him the very first time, Bubba was there. As I was crying from exhaustion from dealing with the event as well as missing the boy, he hugged me and told me the boy wasn’t worth the tears.

Around this time Bubba had started dating someone and I had to learn how to share him. I was used to having him for our weekly dinner at Cancun as well as random moments throughout the week and weekend. I also knew that this must be going somewhere because for once, he didn’t say a lot about her. I was pulling teeth trying to learn about her. As Christmas drew closer I did my normal shopping with him. He leaves it to the last minute, no thoughts on what he should get for his family and this year was the same. I also helped him determine what he should get for his girlfriend.

I did what any shopaholic girly-girl does, I took him to Tiffany’s and introduced him to my world. After picking out a necklace similar to one I had picked out, he pulled out his card to pay. I was giddy as a kid on Christmas morning. No, this wasn’t a gift for me but I knew that his girlfriend would like it, even with the few details he gave me about her. I checked with him after he gave it to her and yep, he did good!

Being friends with an ex is tricky, usually has to be explained to a number of people and the line can be blurred from time to time. But overall, if you have spent several years in a relationship with this person, a friendship can be salvaged from it. I invested a lot of time, heart and soul into this relationship with Bubba. I am happy to say that even today I can call him a friend. He is still blunt, can hurt my feelings from time to time but in the same breath, can make me smile and remember why we are still friends. I still make him pay for dinner, I give him a hard time but at the end of the day, he is someone who knows me very differently than the rest of my friends.

He is also the one that after years of not wanting to commit to anyone, got married and is now telling me I need to settle down soon because I am not getting any younger. Thanks Bubba. . .

Sometimes trying to be friends with an ex is not possible, feelings are still there or there is no foundation to build an actual friendship. Maybe it takes a special person to make it possible to be friends. Maybe being friends was what it was supposed to be from the beginning. Or maybe it is just growing up and realizing that sometimes it was a blessing in disguise that things ended up the way they did. But I will still take issue with him telling me to hurry up and settle down.

SATC: Sexy? Nope! But a Winning Personality? Hells Yeah!

The second in the series of six posts based on quotes for the always entertaining Sex and The City.

Miranda: Smart, yes, sometimes cute, but never sexy. Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.

Oh Miranda, your sarcastic wit, your ability to see that even the fullest glass is half full, kept me in stitches throughout the series. As the series went you, the writers softened you up a bit and then gave you a baby and a husband!

I have always jokes that I am a dork, a big dork. Willing to make fun of myself in the hopes that someone will laugh. Add in the klutz factor and I could be in a sitcom. I also have the humor of an adolescent boy so to be sexy for me would be well, wrong.

I have always been the friend, pat me on the head kind of girl. I remember a guy saying to be many years ago, be sexy. I think I did the snort/laugh combo because that is so not me. I wish I could be that girl that gets dressed up in the perfect skinny jeans, white oxford and killer heels and sashay my way through the room. In reality, I will trip over nothing and knock a glass of red wine down the front of my shirt.

I think my goofy personality is what kills that sexy vibe that might be deep down in me. I remember wearing this really nice black dress (and I have it in red too) that is simple, great to wear in the office and for those that do cocktails after work, dress it up for that. I walked into a coworker’s office a few years ago with it on and she was laughing and saying va va voom! I felt like I was playing dress up in the dress but apparently several people loved that one on me. But while the dress may say va va voom, I am thinking “crap! I hope I don’t fall down or forget to check if it gets tucked into my Spanx.”

So I will go with the personality and hope that at some point I can convey the sexy vibe. Although at the moment I think I am dwindling down on my favorite red lipstick from Clinique (which is no longer made, um, thanks for that) and to me, nothing says sexy like a pouty mouth in Cherry Cola lipstick. Of course I will need to make sure I didn’t rub it on my teeth. . .

SATC: I Am the Flystrip

Carrie: I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me.

Miranda: So what, you’re like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?

Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty, floral ones.

I had completely forgotten about this one and when I read it I couldn’t stop laughing. Let’s put this in real estate terms. . . you have the move in ready houses and then you have the fixer uppers. Seeing as how I have helped a few friends over the years remodel parts of their homes, I totally love the fixer uppers. But that is in real estate.

I have “house broken” quite a few guys who have gone on to meet and marry their true love. Am I bitter? Not really. There is a reason for why things didn’t work out in the past and I am okay with that. My issue seems to stem from the fact that I see so much potential in these guys, put a lot of love, nurturing and effort into the relationship and have t-shirts as party favors.

I have a knack for picking the wrong one, ask my mother. . . while Stacey and I nod in agreement that “this one is the one” with hearts and flowers dancing around our heads her husband J is sitting back shaking his head no. At one point I just wanted to have a first date and take them over to their house and let J do his thing and with a simple gesture be told if I needed to toss this one back.

Last Friday I learned that mom was actually very sad that I had walked away from DC. But it was that defining moment for me, knowing I was going away to school and knew I wanted to be all in instead of one foot in and the other a million miles away. And while my love life hasn’t been a cakewalk, I have learned a lot about myself along the way. Something that one of these days might actually pay the bills. Or it is a pipedream, but hey, I am cool with that.

The biggest reality I am dealing with now is I am in my late thirties, have lived on my own for quite some time and probably would be panicked if I had to share my space with someone all the time. Of course, for the right one, I would deal with it; I am not that stupid.

My history with guys is long, sorted and comical at points. My friends have stories to laugh about and remind me of, least I forget about the jhorts wearing, moving way to fast guy. And I have to battle with both my heart and my brain when it comes to men. I need to be logical and realistic yet my heart wants to leap and when that happens, well, things end up kind of messy.

So yes, I am the flystrip, a pretty one though. Bring all the guys with mama issues, self centered, no drive, treats me crappy my way. I will catch them, housebreak them and release them back out into the water. One of these days, a well adjusted one may show up and I might not freak out. And yes, I have issues. But let’s not delve into that just yet.

Something Old, Something New

I was playing on Pinterest this evening (really, that is a time sucking site, if there ever was one) and remembered I wanted to find a quote from Sex and the City. Yes, it is a girly show and it is only on in repeats now and let’s not even discuss the second movie, k?

I ended up finding several quotes that still make me laugh and thought, well, why not do a small series of blog posts based on the quotes? So there will be one, probably weekly for the next six weeks or so.

Why? While I cannot relate to the fab clothes, shoes, apartments or NYC, the basis of the series is what drew me in and my friends. It all began with an idea of gathering some girlfriends, have dinner and drink wine while watching the show. And boy, did we ever drink wine! I think at one point we could have lined my balcony with the bottles we went through (after a season, not just one or two episodes).

What I could relate to was the relationships; with my friends, with my boyfriends and career challenges. I could also relate to each of the characters (well, Samantha was always a stretch for me, blunt, to the point, crude sometimes, why yes, that is me. Overly friendly with the fellows, not me.) It was a series that finally pointed out that us girls will, at times, have discussions about our relationships and everything that could possibly go one behind closed doors. And who couldn’t relate when Charlotte went out on a date with a perfect on paper guy who was a horrible kisser or the time she dated someone who had anger management issues? Or the many times Carrie went back to Big and she would get hurt, all over again?

While our lives were never that dramatic, we enjoyed being together, laughing, eating and cringing at something that happened in that week’s episode. Ladies, I miss our Sunday nights together! But times have changed and as you spend those nights with your hubbies and babies (and babies to be!) we can all look back on our younger years and smile. We did it up right. . .