2012: A Year in Review

There were some great things that happened in 2012 and like most people, some shitty things happened as well. I am guilty of diving deep into the crap and allowing it to rule my life. I think that is a natural reaction to life. But I have also been able to step back, acknowledge the bad but still be thankful for what I do have in my life. I haven’t gotten all Pollyanna on you, trust me.

The good? Well, I ended up spending a few days with the Queen in Atlanta leading up to my birthday. Good food, great times with the Queen, IKEA! and a guy even hitting on me in IKEA! I followed that little trip up with a weekend in Nashville. Again, great food, friends and some quality time at Green Hills Mall.

I was a bit delusional when it came to the boy, thinking that our little road trip to DC might put things back on track in February. I also dealt with guilt for not reaching out to Chandler after a conversation with his sister. The shoulda, woulda, couldas have come in waves throughout the year and I have to hope within my heart of hearts that Chandler did know that he was always on my mind. Chandler gave me one final gift when he passed, he opened my eyes to see the boy for who he truly is and that helped me close the door for good on that mistake. Thank you Chandler for pointing out what everyone else could see.

Saying goodbye to Chandler at the end of February was probably the hardest thing I have had to do. For a time I didn’t want to be around happy people, going to the mall pissed me off and the idea of having to even be somewhat social seemed more like torture. I held close the memories we had created together but also knew it was time for me to really focus on getting back home, getting in shape and finding me again.

Apparently in March I tried to find some humor and offered up my embarrassing Spanx story, shared with you my weight (I had already shared my big girl jeans vs. my skinny jeans with you the previous fall) and the time I fell on my tush while working out with my trainer. I also sprinkled in random thoughts throughout the year with Tuesday Randomness. While these may seem a bit boring or um, redundant, it has forced me to write something, anything every week (although I have missed a few. . .).

April reminded me just how great I have it in terms of friends, I spent a weekend at the Queen’s house, met up with a bunch of mother hens for drinks, caught up with an old friend and really thought long and hard about an opportunity in Raleigh. I also got to deal with an allergic reaction to who knows what to my skin. The itching was out of control and the only thing the doctor could come up with was I happened to be allergic to something blowing in the wind. Yes folks, for the price of a copay or two, I learned that my skin was sensitive. Sadly, I have known that since I was a little kid.

I continued to workout with my trainer in May, offered up an explanation as to why I suck at dating and admitted that I was a dork. I also decided after reading an article that I really needed to make a statement and just go ahead and marry myself. If everyone else gets celebrated for every milestone under the sun, why should I let the inability to get a guy to commit to me make me miss out on those milestones? I ended up not going through with it but I will keep it in the back of my head.

June brought hot weather and my impatience at finding anything in Nashville career-wise. I was unhappy with my job, location and lot in life. I did manage to sucker Stace into going to the Def Leppard concert at the beginning of July and lucked into two job interviews while I was in town. I headed to The Trousdale School’s annual musical grinning ear to ear with what was coming up the following week; a concert, two interviews and spending time with friends.

I was a mess after my second interview, kind of feeling like I do most times I go on a date; thinking it went well but never hearing from them ever again. Then I did the phone interview with the recruiter. . .oh July you could have gone either way but on the 13th (my lucky number) I was offered the job and was planning my move back home, to Nashville in under two weeks. I dealt with packing, roped Bird into packing my kitchen, mom helped tons and dad made sure the chair didn’t move while they were there. Wook looked at me like I had lost my mind but agreed to deal with the car ride and chaos a move brings. I started my new job, met my new coworkers and instantly knew I was going to like it here.

I challenged myself to appreciate all the move brought to me, going out with friends, working on myself and doing my very best at my job. A text to Allan one evening led to me meeting John Corbitt and breaking the unspoken rule in Nashville: don’t bother the famous people. Thankfully he was really nice and Allan is probably still shouting he doesn’t know that guy. I also got to warm up in terms of watching football. Oh dear, if the football season could be year round I would be a happy girl.

September came and went in a blur, a lot of football, a lot of time hanging out with the guys and random sightings of the boy as I would head home from work. I was counting down until MTSU’s homecoming, ended up seeing some great guys I hadn’t seen since college and remembering the campus as if I had just left it the day before. Millions of texts to and from Allan seemed to be the norm and I admitted to two friends that I might just have a crush on him. Allan had also voiced his dislike of his first blog name and for the first time in history, I changed someone’s name. That should have been my sign.

I realized I must be bad luck for my beloved Steelers after witnessing first hand the loss to the Titans, one of the worst teams in the league. One of the crudest lines I have ever uttered was finally yelled back at me courtesy of Allan. Text messages flew in after the game and the next day from friends teasing me about the loss. Yeah, I know and we shouldn’t have lost. A fateful weekend spent with Allan caused us to cross the line in our friendship. I was thrilled, very happy and couldn’t believe my luck. I was back home, I had a great job and somehow ended up with a guy whom I considered to be in the best friend circle as something more. All of the sudden, tons of plans were made for parties, trips, football and everything else under the sun.

Then high school drama happened, I saw a side of my friend that I didn’t realize was there and a girl pulled a very childish stunt in order to get her way. I fought for him and then realized that he was in my shoes from years ago with Bubba. I offered him one last piece of advice, do not ever ask me why I stayed with Bubba for so long when everyone knew it was bad. Pot meet kettle. Square peg in round hole still won’t fit. Roller coaster, high school drama still doesn’t make a relationship. And finally, my favorite thought, people change and sometimes it isn’t for the better. Oh and always, always question someone who tries to lay blame on others for their mistakes.

The rest of October was hard, I was in a complete and total funk. I was also very angry at myself for letting someone in when I know how it always ends for me. I refocused on my weight, working out and eating habits. I managed to get into a pair of size ten jeans. I also somehow managed to take the higher road when Allan stated on Facebook he was now in a relationship. I am not a saint, I have said some really not so kind things about the whole situation and I won’t even get into what has gone on in my head. Yes, I was a bit on the bitter side but I still want to know why the one who follows the rules, is nice, responsible and well. . . ends up with the short end of the stick.

November rushed in and I had to get my place in order for my parents’ visit during Thanksgiving. As I have admitted to them, I did prepare myself for a last minute cancellation but that didn’t happen and we had a great time. I ended up with an early Christmas present (a HUGE tv), they got to meet my BFF Stace’s little boy E, Rach’s kids and husband and I think I drug mom around a good portion of Davidson and Williamson counties on Black Friday. It was also the month that dad got an iPhone. I think I have converted him. . . at least I hope so!

I realized in December why I have had such a hard time getting everything Christmas up and out. I haven’t held my dinner party since 2008, which means that I haven’t had a deadline to deal with the tree. I got the tree up this year and some decorations out but waited until the last minute to make the peanut butter chocolate balls for Bird. I watched a ton of Christmas movies, continued my weight loss, watched way too much football, brought bad luck to the Titans when I went to the game at the beginning of the month and watched Mr. E on several occasions.

I also had to say goodbye to my stinky boyfriend, Shadow. I felt horrible for Stace and her husband as well as felt beyond helpless. I have always been proud of the fact that I can handle most anything life hands me (even if I cry or shut down at some point, I have managed to deal with it) but Shadow’s passing shined a light on a weakness about myself.

I headed to my hometown to spend Christmas with the parents and Bird. Her girls still aren’t 100% happy for my move but I am hopeful that when they are older, they will understand. It turned out to be a low key visit, which I enjoyed. I also probably sent mom over the edge introducing beef tenderloin as a great holiday meal since dad is now convinced they should have it monthly. I have also given the gift of Starbucks addiction to dad. At least the barista at his local place doesn’t know his name and order. . . I don’t have to utter a word now if I don’t feel like it.

I also got to visit with Chandler’s mom and sisters while I was there. While the tears do not come as often or quickly, as soon as I see them I am a blubbering mess. I would give anything for Chandler to be back with them, even if it meant we were not meant to be. I still think of him often, love him dearly and talk about him with my friends. As I was getting ready to leave, his mom asked Bri to take me to his room to pick out a couple of things. With each step down the stairs, the tears came faster. . .to be able to see things just as they were when I left made me smile but miss him terribly. I will always wear his Notre Dame shirt with pride and love (and cheer for them too!) as well as his Cubbies hat.

I ended the year on my own instead of going out or hanging with friends. Part of it was I just didn’t want to be around others but the other part was, I was tired, overwhelmed with what I have experienced this past year and the biggest part, who doesn’t want to ring in the new year with the most neurotic cat ever? Plus, NYE is amateur night. I would prefer not to share the road with the crazies. Instead I Facetimed with Son, Snug and T, my parents and chatted briefly with Stace, offering up the I am a loser and this headache is driving me insane (which it has been for several weeks now).

Here’s to 2013, may all your wishes come true and if I ever start talking excitedly about a guy, please smack me. And then point me to my blog.

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Tuesday Randomness

The turkey is done, most of the leftovers have been picked over and the tree is up. . .which means that my parents trek up to Nashville was successful. Oh and Wook is still alive, despite my dad’s threat of hurting him should he show attitude.

  • I have now proven to my mom that I can actually keep my place neat
  • My guest room is now spiffed up and even comes with a tv, so Bird, it is time for a big girls weekend
  • I pulled a lazy Amy moment after Christmas last year by not packing my ornaments back into their respective boxes, this should be interesting when I pull them out tomorrow night
  • The tree is up and of course I have at least one strand of lights not working
  • Wook has become reacquainted with the black pepper. . .it is the only thing that makes him stop chewing on the tree
  • I tried the bitter apple spray as well as Tabasco, he loved them both
  • I have a neurotic cat
  • I was half watching DWTS last night and was once again reminded why I dislike Derek. The pro is known for breaking rules and is rewarded time and again for this. Sometimes it seems like those who do not play by the rules, cheat or lie win.
  • If Big Ben doesn’t play this Sunday, I may just cry. I need the Steelers to win, more importantly, I want the Ravens to lose
  • Ole Miss won the Egg Bowl this past weekend, Notre Dame is still undefeated and my fantasy football is limping into the final stretch
  • I have a million and one Christmas movies and specials I must watch this season
  • I finally retired my size 16 (ouch! How did I manage to get that big???) jeans after a rather embarrassing day at work last week.
  • I don’t get how Justin Beiber can walk around with his pants that low all the time
  • I now fit comfortably in my old size ten jeans and picked up another pair on Black Friday
  • Next up, I need to deal with my stomach. I shouldn’t have the mom pooch, I’ve never had a kid!
  • My dad is now the proud owner of an iPhone 4S, this is going to be interesting
  • I have managed to end up with a Pittsburgh Steelers player follow me on Twitter. . .

And with visions of a Pittsburgh win this Sunday, I am going to hit the hay. I am also going to dream of snow, a cozy fire and a couple of classic Christmas movies. Crap, I need to grab the pepper and head off the cat before he gets into the tree again. . .

Tuesday Randomness

What happened to winter? I want my snow!!!! 78* on a Tuesday in early March is not acceptable. . .

  • I am a huge fan of technology, I really am but my office now has the ability to video conference. . .talk about wanting to crawl under your desk! Was not prepared for that this morning!
  • I spent part of the evening with my parents, dinner and shoe shopping. Sadly the shoes were for mom, not me. . .
  • I need to come up with a great present to myself once I lose another 25 pounds. . .clothes? Something from Tiffany’s? Oh the possibilities. . .
  • The kids in my apartment building got wise and got rid of one of the puppies! Yeah! I think they finally realized how much work and money it was going to be for two.
  • I let Wook out on the deck this evening, he promptly snuggled up in the chair and let his nose take in all the wondrous outdoor smells. I worked on trying to get some excess fur off of him.
  • Bird thought it would be a good idea to suggest a two hour Zumba thing for St Patrick’s Day, nice thought but I am thinking no. I am not that coordinated.
  • I believe I am starting my personal training this Thursday. . . please send money to help me pay for this! Just kidding.
  • But if you know of a money tree within a two to three hour drive, let me know, it would be worth the time and gas money.
  • I may not be able to walk Friday but at least I will be a bit closer to getting into those skinny jeans.
  • I could really go for some French food at either Miel or Table 3, in Nashville. . . with cheese, lots of cheese. . .
  • And some tapas, preferably from Jose Andres but at this point I am not picky. . .chorizo, cheese, sangria and paella.
  • I am rereading¬†Kitchen Confidential which is not helping me when it comes to wanting really good food
  • All this talk of food makes me think I should really do three personal training sessions a week, all so I can eat all of that rich, yummy food.
  • Tomorrow I am supposed to finally get my permanent crown, here is hoping that is the case. . .

Now I am going to go and drool over menus to places that are at least a couple hours away from me. Sigh. Maybe I need to hit Atlanta Saturday, IKEA! and a really good restaurant. . .um, Bird, you want to road trip?

 

The One Where I Cringe

Let’s take a moment and go back to 2006; in February I went to NYC with Jorge as a Christmas/Birthday/Valentine’s Day thing. It was a sweet gesture that I was more than excited about; a chance to go back to my favorite city as well as spending that time with my boyfriend. We had been dating for a couple of years at this point. While some friends thought maybe I would come back with an engagement ring I was just happy to be going to the city.

Fast forward two weeks after that. . . a phone call from him saying we needed to talk, me guessing he was dumping me and the beginning spiral into depression. I was devastated. I was in shock and couldn’t understand how we got to this point after such an amazing trip and some very sweet sentiments from him even after the trip.

I slept a lot but couldn’t eat. Me, a person that loves food a bit too much couldn’t stomach food. I went about two weeks not really eating (well, if memory serves right, I don’t think I did eat) and then after that barely ate. At some point I started to walk, kind of like Forrest Gump and his running. I walked and walked and walked. Around the complex, around my neighborhood, around the parks in Nashville.

As I got further depressed about it I couldn’t get my brain to stop running. So to combat that I begged my parents for an iPod Shuffle. With the music blaring into my ears and walking, all the thoughts would quiet down. I also noticed that my fluffy self started to lose weight. And being a control freak caused me to see that while I couldn’t control my love life, I could certainly control what I ate and how much I exercised.

I celebrated two months later with a completely new wardrobe for my new skinny self and a trip to DC with a friend. I was so in shape that I was loving all the walking we were doing in DC. I indulged a bit with food but between the walking and hot weather, the scale still went down. I then came home, got a new job and continued to obsess over my new skinny self.

Later that summer I treated myself again, because hey, I was skinny! I loved that everything I tried on looked just right! This time I treated myself to some uber expensive jeans, jeans that I swore I couldn’t get into but they fit! I was thrilled and took my new uber expensive jeans out on the town often with friends.

Then life went on, a few pounds went on and then I hit depression again. This time it wasn’t because of some guy (thank goodness) but merely a job transfer that took me from home back to were I was raised. I had already been dealing with things by binging but I went to a new low. And more weight packed on, my fat clothes no longer fit so I had to find new clothes I could designate as fat clothes. Now some of those are getting tight.

This is where I am today. I am fat. This isn’t an image problem because my stomach and chins are quite clear. If I walk around outside or even shopping, I am sweating. It is nasty. I think I finally hit bottom though. At least this better be bottom. I was talking to dad about joining the Y and while I would prefer not to spend that money every month at this point it is necessary. Dad said in such a kind way that I needed to get control of this. This meaning my weight. While he doesn’t have much room to talk with regards to weight, I do understand where he is coming from. He is a diabetic and has had triple bypass surgery.

So after going out last night to watch a documentary I came home and took my new jeans off of me. I held them up in front of me in the mirror. And I thought “Holy crap! My ass is HUGE!” I stared at them, wondering how I got to this point. Being 5’1″ tends to make weight gain a lot more noticeable. . . .

Just slap wide load on the back and we are good to go!

Yep, those are my big girl jeans and even they are a bit snug. Then I went to my closet, got out my skinny jeans because when you pay a lot for them you keep them, even if you can’t get one calf into them. I held them up in front of me at the mirror and thought “Damn! I had a great ass!” And then I put them both together just to see how much I have grown physically. . .

I remember these! I also remember the nights out I had in them!
Skinny jeans on top and my fat jeans "trying" to hide behind them. Umm, I am gonna need more denim.

While these jeans are just that jeans, they represent what has happened in the last five years. I had another what I thought to be good relationship but realized that the boy wasn’t for me. He didn’t what the things I wanted. Then I had to make a decision about my job and moved.

I haven’t adjusted, I have just compensated for what I miss. I have compensated with food. Lots and lots of food. So last night I realized I had to change. I had to not think of this as a diet, not think of this as a way to get back into those jeans but just get healthy.

I haven’t been drinking too much Diet Coke, in fact I think I last had some Monday. And it was just a little bit. I have three two liters of it that I bought on Saturday and I have yet to open them. I am drinking a lot of water, I am peeing a lot. Seriously, I can’t get my work done because I am always jumping up to go to the bathroom! I am also watching what I am eating.

Next week I will start at the Y. I know it isn’t going to be pretty or easy but I want this fat off of me. I keep waiting for someone to ask when the baby is due when all that is in my stomach is food. I weigh more now that I ever have and I cannot stand it.

So while I will indulge in chocolate because if I tell myself I can’t have it, I will binge on it. I am going to stock up on Raspberry Ice mix for my water so at lunch I can at least have something with some taste. And while my sugar and other blood work looks okay, I want to make sure that I don’t end up with every ailment known to man.

I cringed last night because I finally saw the chins, the stomach and the back fat for what it is, depression about the location that I happen to be in right now. I am going to work on what I do best and I am going to make sure I get out a bit. This isn’t my favorite place but I do have friends and family so I will make do until I can figure out my next step. Until then I am going to workout, watch what I eat and watch the scale go down.

And mom and dad, I challenge you to do this to. Go for walks, join the Y and let’s get rid of this fat. Plus I really want to get into my bikini again, I mean I can now but I would prefer not to scare people with it right now!