The One Where I Admit. . .

I have a thing for Hallmark Christmas movies, please people, send help. . . cause I have become obsessed with every movie remotely tied to Christmas and now I have a channel that is all cheesy Christmas movies all the time. And I could write these cheesy things. . .

So between football and cheesy movies, my dance card is kind of full. I spend my days working and my evenings curled up on the couch with the Wookster. I have even managed to find sappy books to read, so I may need to be admitted to a self help program at the first of the year. We won’t even talk about what my DVR looks like at the moment.

I have started doing meal prep for a couple of coworkers, it’s so nice cooking for others and yet I don’t have to worry if my house is neat and tidy for dinner guests! Score! I have been working on getting my Christmas gifts bought, unfortunately each time I head out I end up with something I like plus another Star Wars item for Mr. E. Stace and the hubby may end up cutting me off if I continue to buy gifts for my buddy. To be fair, the kid’s birthday is five days after Christmas and a good portion of the stuff is books so. . .

I can’t wait until the 24th. . . I grew up watching Star Wars, I remember coming out of the cinema in Cleveland, being held by my dad, seeing the StarVu drive-in playing The Empire Strikes Back and wanting to see it again after just sitting through it. While mom isn’t that into it, dad and I are going and it is going to be so much fun. Although I will probably be the one paying this time and we will probably have to hit Starbucks before we head to the theater.

I am looking forward to the new year, fresh new plans, goals and experiences. 2016 will be spent making me happy. I have agreed to go out at least once a month with the Queen, I will continue to volunteer at Second Harvest Food Bank and I am going to work hard to get back to 5K shape. Of course, I will also do whatever the Wookster wants me to do as well because he’s the boss.

But for now I will continue to watch football and some sappy Hallmark movies. At least it kind of balances out. .. maybe. . .

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The One Where I Swear I am Fine

Depression affects everyone differently. For me, it is more about trying to function on some level of normalcy while screaming at myself inside my head. At first I couldn’t even do the fake “I am fine” I would sit in silence after crying jags trying with all of my might to look much stronger, normal. Nothing made me smile or laugh, all I could do was offer up a rather lame he just left, said he thought the spark left. Oh and lots of “I’m sorries.”

Seriously hate those words. I delved deeper into depression, barely eating, finding things to occupy my time. Trying to forget what we shared. With Allan walking, I lost his sweet daughter, his family and friends. And all those plans he had made for us.

What made him walk? I haven’t a clue. The spark he mentioned at one point reminded me of those days in my youth when I thought those John Hughes movies really were close to reality. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And some days life does seem a little blah but having someone by your side to support as well as be there during the blah and the fun times is key.

While I shut down, not wanting to be near anyone Allan goes about his life as if the woman was no longer there. He flips the switch. Apparently his mom and I both agree he needs to see someone to talk about this with…

Do I still love him, yes. And I know much of you will scoff at this but let’s remember that after chandler it took me a really long time to get out there. Maybe there isn’t a guy it there for me. Maybe this lonely existence is what I need to get on with life. I am heartbroken, missing Allan who made me laugh, made me feel special, sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I loved him for his humor, his beautiful face and his kindness. Not even the sexist man on earth could turn my head because to me, Allan was all that and a bag of chips.

I force myself to eat, I go workout four times a week, read and go to work. I attempt social settings but I am not that strong right now and it is a challenge. I don’t laugh as often as a should and there are still moments where I lose it and just cry.

I saw the boy lasts Friday at the grocery store, I knew my heart was firmly planted within Allan since I immediately turned my head and picked up the pace.

My writing has taken a beating. So much I wanted to share but I also knew that it wasn’t just me anymore; that I had a few other people to contend with so I didn’t blog. Plus, when you have that wonderful person sitting next to you on the couch, the last thing you want to do is write,

So yeah, once again I have been rejected. Maybe I should change the blog name to that.

Tuesday Randomness

Hockey, hockey, a bit more hockey, throw in some basketball and a side of free agency and you can probably surmise that I have been a tad busy. So let’s get right to it. . .

  • I am digging Thrift Shop by Macklemore, great hook and dude, anyone who gives a shout out to footed pajamas is awesome
  • After hearing a rant about a neighboring county and gasp!  rental property invading the public schools, Allan reminded me that we are Westside 4 Life. . . true dat
  • Best game so far has to go to the Preds vs the Stars because who doesn’t love it when Mr. Underwood gets in a fight. . .
  • Hells Kitchen is back and I am loving it
  • I want to meet Chef Gordon Ramsey just so he can call me a donkey
  • Stu has continued his stellar record of dates disappearing after a couple times out. . .
  • I finally hit up Arnold’s Meat and Three last Friday for the first time in forever–YUM!
  • I really need some more of that
  • I also hit up Bobbie’s Dairy Dip for a malt last week
  • Tried Newk’s for the first time
  • And apparently I should weigh about a ton right now
  • 42 days and counting until Vegas, is it time to leave yet?
  • Free agency and the looming draft for the NFL is making me anxious, I need another Super Bowl for my Steelers
  • I have watched so much hockey lately that I am to the point where I am recognizing the names of the players and not for the Preds, the other teams

And now I must go to finish the rest of Hells Kitchen and then dream of another sweet win by the Preds and then possibly line of places to grab food at the next few days.

Tuesday Randomness on Thursday

I think I need to start paying attention to the calendar more since this is Thursday. . . oops. I would like to blame it on being so busy but I think it has more to do with I went to a hockey game Monday night and I have been trying to catch up on sleep since then. Hey, I am old, what can I say. . .

  • Allan keeps scoring more points with the Queen, which is a good thing, case in point, he went to the season ticket holders fan appreciation last week and got my jersey signed by Terry Crisp!
    Crispy!
    Crispy!

     

  • If that wasn’t enough, he learned on Sunday that he won a contest for two tickets to the VIP suite at the Preds game Monday
  • Which he was nice enough to take me to (who am I kidding, I would have done some serious pouting if I had been left at home)
    Crispy, Moi, Petey
    Crispy, Moi, Petey

     

  • And it also proves that I need to start doing crunches since my gut looks unseemly in that picture
  • No restraining order has been issued for my near obsessive fascination for Crispy
  • We got to listen to hockey commentary from two of the greatest unedited (first game for Pete to not actually call a game)
  • Crispy called it halfway through the third period that Josi would score a goal and we would win 5-4
  • It happened but in overtime
  • I got to see a great fight during the game and really, isn’t that the whole point of hockey?
  • A great view in the suite but while I love what a suite has to offer, I kind of miss being right there in the game
    Let's Go Preds!
    Let’s Go Preds!

     

  • Petey showed us a picture of Crispy from the late 70s in a stellar polyester leisure suit. . . he had modeled that in a Philly fashion show, when asked how many he sold he said ZERO!
  • It’s a good thing that those suits are not back in style, one random ash from a cigarette would equate to that suit going up in flames in under five seconds
  • I have decided that when I am at a game, they win. . . maybe the organization should take this under advisement
  • Mother Nature is still taunting me with snow, I just want one decent snow storm
  • Am I asking for too much here?
  • Hooch has very kindly sent pictures of her house covered in snow
  • It almost makes me consider relocating to Kansas City
  • Almost. . . I still prefer Nashville
  • I loathe NASCAR, from the time I was a little girl I remember the endless Sundays when the only thing allowed on the tv and Granny and Popa’s was the race
  • Five laps in, all of my relatives would be snoring but you couldn’t change the channel!
  • Allan likes NASCAR. . . and since he is such an avid fantasy (enter your sport here) player, he is in a NASCAR fantasy league
  • I was informed that I would have a team, I would like to welcome my drives to the Mullet Mafia. . .
  • I am currently in eighth place, Allan is in 14th
  • Don’t ask a competitive girl to play in a league where she knows nothing
  • She will win
  • I am ready for a vacation. . .
  • Unfortunately that vacation doesn’t happen until late April

So my week has consisted of hockey, NASCAR, hockey, hockey and some food. The occasional whine about no snow was thrown in for good measure. I am off to turn my jammies inside out and do all the other stuff that needs to be done to get some snow. Does anyone know of a good dance to get the snow to start falling?

Tuesday Randomness

Last week was a blur and not in a good way, I got the crud which turned into an almost week long nap. Good times. . . today was the first day I woke up and didn’t feel like I was in a tunnel. Improvement! But let’s get to it people, maybe I can scrounge a few random thoughts together. . . at least I hope I can because my poor brain took a beating from being sick.

  • I was completely set, excited and ready to cheer on the Fighting Irish in Chandler’s memory last week but he must have known I would take the game way too seriously since I passed out after Bama scored their second TD.
  • I know Chandler was enjoying the game from probably the best seats, with his dad, up in heaven and wouldn’t care who won.
  • Being couped up in the house for the majority of the week wasn’t really all that fun and even more frustrating was the fact that I needed a nap after a round trip to the kitchen to get a drink.
  • Before the sickness, I had a Saturday out with my BFF Stace, a lot of fun browsing through stores, chatting and one minor moment where we both agreed that I might have had a wee bit of bitterness shining through my Year in Review post. . .
  • But even after debating it in my head, I stand by that post and those raw emotions that I did feel when I went through some of it
  • I also learned that Bubba blocked me on FB (oh! the horror! the horror! um, when did this happen?) the other week and I can only assume it had to do with very old photos, paranoia and a relative of his
  • As I said to my mom when she questioned why I posted many years ago photos of the two of us on FB, “he was a huge chunk of my life, especially during college and if I were to edit that history out of my life, a very large part of seven and a half years would be missing”
  • In the end, once I figured out that all of this went down (I am slow on the up take) I deleted those pictures because I was pissed, apparently even having memories of my past must mean something! (said with sarcasm)
  • And while I am on it, if I have to erase every memory, picture, story, thought and/or emotion I have felt in the past because (insert whichever guy’s name) might get upset for me thinking, remembering, writing or anything else under the sun than hell, I could only talk about grade school and even then it might be questionable because there was the little red headed boy I went with in 4th grade, Billy Bob who I have known since we were little who I went with in 5th I believe and let us not forget my very first ever kiss way back when I was a little kid and the neighbor boy gave me a quick peck on the lips!
  • Those are my memories to share as I see fit and those who aren’t even remotely innocent will always be protected by me (even if they don’t deserve it because I can be a doormat, way too nice. . . ) but damn, if you have an issue or you happen to be paranoid about something I post using words actually are more helpful than sticking your head in the sand.
  • It never pays for me to be sick, stuck in the house and way too much time on my hands. . .
  • I did get a nice surprise last week. . .there was this hat I found at Target while visiting my parents, I never saw it here though. While my parents made fun of me and the ridiculousness of the hat, I have to say, it kept me quite warm today thankyouverymuch!
  • Meet Fluffy. . .

fluffy1 fluffy2

  • Wook is having a few issues with Fluffy. Lined in pink, little pockets to stick your hands at the end of the scarf part, ears on top equates to being warm when it is cold and rainy outside. I love it and it only adds to my goofiness, so it works.
  • I have a thing for hats
  • I am now currently waiting for some snow and at this point I would even take a bit of ice just to make all this rain worth it
  • Instead I may end up crafting a boat
  • I gained four pounds during the holidays, must get back on wagon. . .

With that, I will take my cranky pants to bed and try not to imitate Waldorf and Stadler at least for a few weeks. . .

Tuesday Randomness

Let’s just jump right into this week’s randomness shall we?

  • I am over the almost Sybil like weather around here, pick a season and stick with it. Between trying to pick out something to wear daily, my sinuses/allergies cannot take this much longer. 
  • While cheesy, I did enjoy The Mistletones Sunday evening but I beg Tori Spelling to lay off of the fillers or whatever she is doing to her face. It was so puffy and at least to me, that isn’t an attractive look.
  • Confession: I purchased Taylor Swift’s song “I knew you were trouble” over the weekend. I have probably just lost about 100 cool points for that.
  • I have lost my baking mojo. . . I feel like a total failure.
  • I had to say goodbye to my stinky boyfriend, aka Shadow, my BFF’s dog over the weekend. I was keeping E while she and her hubby went out for a bit and Shadow had a seizure. A horrible, full on seizure.
  • I can handle about 98% of things good and bad but this fell into that 2% category. I felt helpless, scared, freaked out and most importantly, not in control. A kid gets sick? I know what to do and how to handle it. A dog that I love very much and know he is very sick but can’t tell me anything, I can’t handle it.
  • He has been my date for New Year’s Eve and a sundry of other things over the years. I loved my stinky as much as I love Wook.
  • It feels like everyone I love and care about leave.
  • I get that this isn’t really the truth but it seems like that is all I have been doing the past few years and that gets old.
  • And I already know that He doesn’t give you more than you can really handle but geeze, really? I am starting to think there is a black cloud floating over my head.
  • How the Steelers lost Sunday, I haven’t a clue; I finally took a nap-haven’t done that in awhile.
  • Facetime with Son and Snug always makes me smile
  • I have finally managed to go into Tiffany’s to browse and come out with not one thing marked to add to my wish list. . .
  • Of course to balance that out, I have fallen in love with several pairs of drool worthy shoes
  • In the world of weight loss. . .if I go by what I weighed when I started all of this a year and a half ago, I have lost almost 40lbs but if I go by where I was in September/October of this year (since I stalled and gained some back) I have lost almost 30lbs.
  • I will take either number though because I am below 180
  • Looking at old pictures from college over the weekend. . .umm, I cannot believe I thought I needed to lose weight. Holy cow, I wish I was that skinny again! Apparently after college I felt the need to eat for ten people at times. . .
  • Researching flights and costs for London. . . doesn’t anyone have frequent flyer miles they want to donate to me? Dear lord, this is going to be pricey. I don’t mind the cramped seat from Nashville to wherever I fly out to London but I would prefer to have the room when I fly over the ocean. Must start researching gambling or how to pick winning lottery numbers.

Now I must get back to figuring out what to get mom for Christmas, she is the hardest person to shop for. . .well besides Wook.

Tuesday Randomness

After some interesting games this past weekend I figured I would be in the clear for an uneventful week. But like with most things in my life, something odd always pops up.

  • After running a few errands Saturday, I came home and camped out on the couch for football. . .it was a sad day, Texas and Georgia lost
  • I kept staring at the tree, trying to pluck up the energy to get the rest of the ornaments on
  • And then I rubbed my eye. . .
  • It was sore, really sore. I went to the bathroom, removed my makeup and inspected my eye.
  • Nothing was amiss, no bloodshot eyes, no eye boogies, anything; the soreness could best be explained as it felt like a bruise
  • I tried to keep my hands off of my eye and got ready for bed
  • I woke up the next morning, the corner of my eye was still really sore but the pain jutted up the nose and around to the start of my eyebrow. . .HUH?
  • There was some bruising but again, the eye itself was fine. I popped some ibuprofen, got ready and headed out to pick up Stace for the football game
  • All I can say about the Titans/Texans game is, well the seats were awesome and the weather was perfect but the consistency of the Titans was lacking
  • Towards the end of the game the pain had gone down and around my cheek. This is all on the right side of my face.
  • After a restless night of trying to keep enough ibuprofen in me, I broke down and called my doctor
  • This pain just isn’t normal, I have had a million sinus infections but this was nothing like those in the past
  • A visit to my doctor, where I stumped her, they threw out possibilities of very few options, none of which sounded appealing, starting with a CT Scan
  • Finally I walked out with a round of antibiotics with a promise to monitor the pain and let them know what was going on Wednesday
  • Two days of antibiotics down and I feel much better, I am still tender, the swelling has gone down and the bruising is not noticible
  • I am beginning to think I need to become a science experiement
  • Dad added another item to his Christmas list. . . I believe I know where I get this from
  • I am finally below 180lbs. . . I now weigh 179
  • I still have a lot of work to do but I am losing it and that helps me feel better
  • I have to make peanut butter chocolate balls for Bird, these might be the death of me
  • I am also making a birthday cake for my BFF, I can’t wait to see how I do with the frosting–it has been awhile
  • I am watching all kinds of Christmas movies in between football, I am also getting a bit sad that football is winding down
  • The sad panda face might be coming out soon

And I am begging Mother Nature to please, please get the weather under control. It needs to be much cooler than it is. . . I don’t want to wear shorts and flip flops now. So bring on the snow!

Tuesday Randomness

The turkey is done, most of the leftovers have been picked over and the tree is up. . .which means that my parents trek up to Nashville was successful. Oh and Wook is still alive, despite my dad’s threat of hurting him should he show attitude.

  • I have now proven to my mom that I can actually keep my place neat
  • My guest room is now spiffed up and even comes with a tv, so Bird, it is time for a big girls weekend
  • I pulled a lazy Amy moment after Christmas last year by not packing my ornaments back into their respective boxes, this should be interesting when I pull them out tomorrow night
  • The tree is up and of course I have at least one strand of lights not working
  • Wook has become reacquainted with the black pepper. . .it is the only thing that makes him stop chewing on the tree
  • I tried the bitter apple spray as well as Tabasco, he loved them both
  • I have a neurotic cat
  • I was half watching DWTS last night and was once again reminded why I dislike Derek. The pro is known for breaking rules and is rewarded time and again for this. Sometimes it seems like those who do not play by the rules, cheat or lie win.
  • If Big Ben doesn’t play this Sunday, I may just cry. I need the Steelers to win, more importantly, I want the Ravens to lose
  • Ole Miss won the Egg Bowl this past weekend, Notre Dame is still undefeated and my fantasy football is limping into the final stretch
  • I have a million and one Christmas movies and specials I must watch this season
  • I finally retired my size 16 (ouch! How did I manage to get that big???) jeans after a rather embarrassing day at work last week.
  • I don’t get how Justin Beiber can walk around with his pants that low all the time
  • I now fit comfortably in my old size ten jeans and picked up another pair on Black Friday
  • Next up, I need to deal with my stomach. I shouldn’t have the mom pooch, I’ve never had a kid!
  • My dad is now the proud owner of an iPhone 4S, this is going to be interesting
  • I have managed to end up with a Pittsburgh Steelers player follow me on Twitter. . .

And with visions of a Pittsburgh win this Sunday, I am going to hit the hay. I am also going to dream of snow, a cozy fire and a couple of classic Christmas movies. Crap, I need to grab the pepper and head off the cat before he gets into the tree again. . .

The One Where I Tell You My Weight

Well, of I wasn’t convinced before that the dating pool is merely a shallow puddle, I am about to make it so and possibly make it one tiny little drop of rain. Deep breathes people. . .

At the end of the summer last year I was floating around 215/225. I knew that for my health I had to do something. So I joined the Y, got started on a routine and kept going. I had a few stumbles along the way, like everyone. But I also knew that I had to deal with that was at the core of my health issues. Clothes not fitting, feet swelling, sweating when all I was doing was running through the mall.

I was a mess and that kept me moving forward. Really working out on the elliptical, lifting weights and trying to control what I put in my mouth. It’s a hard road to go down because there is no workout buddy with you, there are days that after working on something so difficult at work, the last thing you want to do is hit the gym.

The boy offered up an incentive which helped a bit but it seemed like nothing was working. Am I supposed to be this fat forever???? Will there be anyone who can see past the fat to really see me? Plus, I want to maybe side swipe the health issues my parents have so I don’t have to deal with them. I’ll keep the anxiety if all the other stuff will stay away from me.

At my last checkup I was convinced that my thyroid had finally met it’s match. Wonky thyroids are all over both sides of my family. Maybe this little organ is causing all of my issues. Nope because that bugger hates me. The doctor didn’t like my cholesterol up, even though it is the good kind that bumps the total over. So I take a pill for that but the surprising point is the meds I have been taking for anxiety. Everyone is anxious about something at one point in their lives. Unfortunately my anxiety stays with me, hanging out waiting to surprise me.  I know how to treat them and I have a back up med I can take when my ways do not work. And those are rarely used.

Unfortunately, Paxil has a couple of side effects that are quite prominent in me. . . one is the unending need for food. I need it, all the time. When we sat down and did the math, I started taking Paxil in August 2007. Best drug ever! Since then we have had to adjust from time to time. I looked at the doctor this time and said, look, I love this drug but I have gained closed to 75 lbs on this, help me.

Long story short, the new meds help with anxiety AND the weight is coming off. Since January I have lost 25 lbs. I am at 190 which still makes me cringe, my self esteem is in the toilet for numerous things and well, the past couple of years have been really tough.

Tomorrow is my first day with the trainer. I told him I need accountability, help, encourangement, a variety of exercises, basically someone controlling me a couple hours a week to ensure that I am doing this. End of summer goal, 60 lbs down by June at least 25 of those 60 gone.

I don’t want to be the skinny bitch. I want to look good, be happy and healthy. I also know that even though I am as tall as the Olson twins I cannot maintain their miniscule weight. Also, I love food.

So Yes, I weighed 215/225 last fall with it coming off slowly, very slowly. Since then I have managed to get 25 off in the new year. I can do this. I can do this. Someone may be carrying up to my apartment though. I am a bit nervous. But bring it on.Cause I am ready for this, ready to reclaim my old clothes.

 

 

 

 

I Love Me Some Spanx

First, the last post has all kinds of spelling errors and I apologize, my laptop is acting up and I was using a mini notebook and well, typing isn’t all that easy. While my laptop’s keys do not work (well, a good portion of them) I finally got around to dragging out a spare keyboard so I can actually type without too many errors.

And because I have no shame, a story from a few years ago. . .

The Queen is all about looking smart. Girlfriend is always dressed nicely, accessorized down to the jewelry, shoes and purses. During a golf tournament I was working, we sat chatting with another friend and the topic of Spanx came up. I listened intently as they discussed the finer points up the suck em in pants, nodding and making a mental note that I should get a pair to try. The interesting part about all of this is, when my hose would start to wear and tear, I would cut them off around the thigh area and wear them under skirts. And I had done that since my Ann Taylor days back in the late ’90s.

I hit up Dillards looking for the oh so important, you have to have them Spanx. Unfortunately the sticker shock made me rethink getting them. I would occasionally look at them when at the mall but never did buy them. For my birthday the Queen was ever so nice and spoiled me like she normally does, this time it was in the form of Spanx.

I was down in her office, chatting with her, she gave me my gift and I knew right then and there I had to try them on. Unfortunately I had on tights and realized I would have to take them off, put the Spanx on and then put the tights back on. . .

Having no shame, I stripped down in her office with the door closed and someone standing in front of the section that was glass. I got them to my knees and thought, man, this is going to be great. Those suck em in pants had a different plan though. The Queen had bought what she thought would fit me but as we kept on trying to get them up and over my butt, we realized that they were too small.

The Queen tried to help me from behind, which looked like a bad use of the Heimlich maneuver, we tried me on the floor pulling on them like you might do with really tight jeans, we went with the let’s try to get it all the way up on one leg and then the other and who knows how many other ways.

There was laughter, tears, shaking until we couldn’t contain ourselves; oh and half the women in her department sauntered into her office trying to figure out what in the world was going on. It was a case of the wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall? And all this while my dress is almost over my head, tights laying on the floor and the Spanx being wrestled into submission.

Once we all dried our tears and stopped laughing, I calmly put my tights back on, pulled my dress back down and stuffed the ill fitting Spanx back into the package. I finally got the correct size and am now a card carrying member in the suck em in pants group but. . .

That story has followed me for a few years now, normally when I completely forget about the story, the Queen has someone come up to me and ask about the Spanx story. Carrier reps, coworkers and other offices have heard about me and the day it all went wrong.

But I have no shame and was reminded of that story the other week when I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. She was in the Chattanooga office, we squealed with delight when we saw each other and then she threw out the Spanx story for other ladies to hear.

Thank goodness there are no pictures and while I would kill to weigh what I did then, you still would not have wanted to see that mess.

Oh and just for Monday, since I dislike it so. . . I am now down 25 pounds. It took changing medication to finally get the weight to come off consistently but woo hoo! Come on skinny jeans, get ready because I am working my way down to wear you again. Spanx included.