Overwhelmed

My thoughts are all over the place and I guess I should be glad that the brick wall I hit happened today instead of Monday. So much to do and deal with but it seems like I never have enough time to get everything done.

I talked to the Queen today and she helped me out a lot. Just throwing every little thought out there sometimes help. I am beyond tired and I guess I am not getting the sleep I need. Figures. As we were talking and planning all I could think of was how much I needed this time away.

I am leaving for Nashville tomorrow and it is with mixed emotions. I want to go, hell I need to go. I have a charity event that I am still planning for my former office and need some face time with others to discuss and organize. I need to see my friends which I consider an extended family. And there is that little meeting with my crush that I am getting excited about.

But, Granny is not doing well. She had a horrible night. They have upped the meds to keep her calm and help her breathe. She is sleeping most of the time. And while this sounds horrible, I don’t think I could handle being there when she does pass. I feel like a heel, a selfish one at that, for leaving town when things aren’t looking great. I know that I am only two hours away if something does happen but still, the guilt that I feel is draining. It isn’t from my family but it is from me.

I am really good at making myself feel guilty. My dad didn’t get to raise his son, so I feel like I have been his only shot at parenting a child to adulthood. My sister. . . well, she moved out as soon as she turned 18 and from what has been told to me, was a bit of a wild child when she did live with us. So then there is me, the one that needs to behave, to be good, to make sacrifices and understand that I while I am not perfect, I don’t want to disappoint. And all of this is in my head. They never really expressed these thoughts or concerns. I even knew that as I grew older that I would be the one to take care of them in their old age. Of course, if dad doesn’t behave I can always throw him into Moccasin Bend here in town.

I know that mom’s main concern is I get to Nashville and have to turn right back around. Dad, in true form, just says, go, we will update you and let you know if you need to come back early.

And I think the most overwhelming thought is that I am being selfish. I could put this off until another weekend but I need this. While the beach was relaxing I need to recharge with my crew, those crazy people who love me. And as Sonia says, I better be thankful for that! Yes Sonia, I am. And I laugh to myself when I hear your voice in my head. And it is usually at a time when I need it most.

So now I am off to pack. I have some madras that needs to come with me, it really bugs Stacey’s husband and as any true sister can be, it is my duty to bug him.