The One Where I Cringe

Let’s take a moment and go back to 2006; in February I went to NYC with Jorge as a Christmas/Birthday/Valentine’s Day thing. It was a sweet gesture that I was more than excited about; a chance to go back to my favorite city as well as spending that time with my boyfriend. We had been dating for a couple of years at this point. While some friends thought maybe I would come back with an engagement ring I was just happy to be going to the city.

Fast forward two weeks after that. . . a phone call from him saying we needed to talk, me guessing he was dumping me and the beginning spiral into depression. I was devastated. I was in shock and couldn’t understand how we got to this point after such an amazing trip and some very sweet sentiments from him even after the trip.

I slept a lot but couldn’t eat. Me, a person that loves food a bit too much couldn’t stomach food. I went about two weeks not really eating (well, if memory serves right, I don’t think I did eat) and then after that barely ate. At some point I started to walk, kind of like Forrest Gump and his running. I walked and walked and walked. Around the complex, around my neighborhood, around the parks in Nashville.

As I got further depressed about it I couldn’t get my brain to stop running. So to combat that I begged my parents for an iPod Shuffle. With the music blaring into my ears and walking, all the thoughts would quiet down. I also noticed that my fluffy self started to lose weight. And being a control freak caused me to see that while I couldn’t control my love life, I could certainly control what I ate and how much I exercised.

I celebrated two months later with a completely new wardrobe for my new skinny self and a trip to DC with a friend. I was so in shape that I was loving all the walking we were doing in DC. I indulged a bit with food but between the walking and hot weather, the scale still went down. I then came home, got a new job and continued to obsess over my new skinny self.

Later that summer I treated myself again, because hey, I was skinny! I loved that everything I tried on looked just right! This time I treated myself to some uber expensive jeans, jeans that I swore I couldn’t get into but they fit! I was thrilled and took my new uber expensive jeans out on the town often with friends.

Then life went on, a few pounds went on and then I hit depression again. This time it wasn’t because of some guy (thank goodness) but merely a job transfer that took me from home back to were I was raised. I had already been dealing with things by binging but I went to a new low. And more weight packed on, my fat clothes no longer fit so I had to find new clothes I could designate as fat clothes. Now some of those are getting tight.

This is where I am today. I am fat. This isn’t an image problem because my stomach and chins are quite clear. If I walk around outside or even shopping, I am sweating. It is nasty. I think I finally hit bottom though. At least this better be bottom. I was talking to dad about joining the Y and while I would prefer not to spend that money every month at this point it is necessary. Dad said in such a kind way that I needed to get control of this. This meaning my weight. While he doesn’t have much room to talk with regards to weight, I do understand where he is coming from. He is a diabetic and has had triple bypass surgery.

So after going out last night to watch a documentary I came home and took my new jeans off of me. I held them up in front of me in the mirror. And I thought “Holy crap! My ass is HUGE!” I stared at them, wondering how I got to this point. Being 5’1″ tends to make weight gain a lot more noticeable. . . .

Yep, those are my big girl jeans and even they are a bit snug. Then I went to my closet, got out my skinny jeans because when you pay a lot for them you keep them, even if you can’t get one calf into them. I held them up in front of me at the mirror and thought “Damn! I had a great ass!” And then I put them both together just to see how much I have grown physically. . .

While these jeans are just that jeans, they represent what has happened in the last five years. I had another what I thought to be good relationship but realized that the boy wasn’t for me. He didn’t what the things I wanted. Then I had to make a decision about my job and moved.

I haven’t adjusted, I have just compensated for what I miss. I have compensated with food. Lots and lots of food. So last night I realized I had to change. I had to not think of this as a diet, not think of this as a way to get back into those jeans but just get healthy.

I haven’t been drinking too much Diet Coke, in fact I think I last had some Monday. And it was just a little bit. I have three two liters of it that I bought on Saturday and I have yet to open them. I am drinking a lot of water, I am peeing a lot. Seriously, I can’t get my work done because I am always jumping up to go to the bathroom! I am also watching what I am eating.

Next week I will start at the Y. I know it isn’t going to be pretty or easy but I want this fat off of me. I keep waiting for someone to ask when the baby is due when all that is in my stomach is food. I weigh more now that I ever have and I cannot stand it.

So while I will indulge in chocolate because if I tell myself I can’t have it, I will binge on it. I am going to stock up on Raspberry Ice mix for my water so at lunch I can at least have something with some taste. And while my sugar and other blood work looks okay, I want to make sure that I don’t end up with every ailment known to man.

I cringed last night because I finally saw the chins, the stomach and the back fat for what it is, depression about the location that I happen to be in right now. I am going to work on what I do best and I am going to make sure I get out a bit. This isn’t my favorite place but I do have friends and family so I will make do until I can figure out my next step. Until then I am going to workout, watch what I eat and watch the scale go down.

And mom and dad, I challenge you to do this to. Go for walks, join the Y and let’s get rid of this fat. Plus I really want to get into my bikini again, I mean I can now but I would prefer not to scare people with it right now!